Oh God. Help me make sense of this situation!
So, we all know I have a lot of male friends. And we're talking about my football boys in this tale, the ones that I went to Charlton with, the ones I now meet up with for the internationals.
Anyway. One of them J. split from his long term girlfriend earlier this year. I didn't know or see any of them really this year until the World Cup kicked off, during the brief few weeks of the Group Stages and the Quarter Final, he added me on What's app and was a lot more chatty than normal, my thoughts were gentle flirting but also:
A - We've known each other at least 11 years, so that couldn't be the case
B - I'd either been with Welshy or he'd been with his ex during all this time, so this was the first time we've both been single and perhaps he was just this friendly and hadn't considered it appropriate before?
But a nagging feeling in my head told me this was different and I wasn't/ am still not sure about how I felt about it all.
Last night he invited me to his local to watch the Leicester/Liverpool game (moment of silence pitying Wout Faes who scored two own goals for Leicester condemning them to a 2-1 defeat).
I asked him why I was here and none of the others and "its to get to know each other better", I chose to take it at face value. Closing time and we've both drunk heavily and he invited me back to his and honestly if your alarm bells are ringing at this, then shame on me, who had a moment of "yeah right." And then got swayed by the idea of more drink and reminding myself that he was a long term friend and I was being paranoid.
And there was definite flirting from him, looking back, that I didn't pick up on or deliberately ignored, BECAUSE HE'S MY GODDAMN FRIEND AND WE'RE MATES ALRIGHT?! The casual touching of me, the throwaway comment he made when I said that I liked cuddly men, and that's why I liked Chris Pratt better than any of the other MCU men because he didn't look like he wouldn't snap me, liked drinking and would be fun.
He went to the loo and I casually looked through my Facebook memories and posted a picture of my Flyball Adoped Grandmother who died of Covid. He did the same casual scrolling (shit, how bad is it that people automatically pick up their phones now to avoid using their brains or sitting peacefully in their own thoughts for a bit?) when I went to get more drink.
And he asked me about her, when I returned so I told them how wonderful she was and how I'd take her home from comps and how lonely her husband is without her and how I don't pop over to see him as much as I should, but I do so every couple of months and how I went to breakfast with him a couple of weeks back.
"God. You're such a good person. Most people just do the talk, but you do the actions, what with that and the strikers" I protested that it was just what people did and he was making more out of it as its nothing that any decent person would do.
"its shit like that, that makes me want to kiss you."
I bolted for the safety of the loo to remove myself from this awkward conversation and I came back and he was now moved from his seat to sit next to me. I said I needed to book a cab and he said I could stay, that I could sleep in his bed and he'd be on the sofa. and I know I have no willpower, although I know him well enough to know that he would leave that completely to be my decision and I knew what would be mine and HE'S MY FRIEND AND I DONT WANT TO RUIN THAT! So I said that we both knew I wouldn't spend the entire night alone and getting a cab was best. So we did that and he put his arm around me and then we're kissing and Christ almighty he wasn't a good kisser and I'm kissing maybe not one of my best friends but someone I'm very fond of, if G and Lolly were like brothers, he's probably in cousin territory and WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CHARBY?
He re iterated that I could stay and it would be ok and platonic but I'm so fucking weak willed, I know I wouldn't have left it there and then that could add to this fuck up and I said I didn't want to be his rebound girl or worse someone they joked about in their group chat and he said that, it wasn't like that and he'd already worked the rebounds out of his system.
And the cab came and I went home and he asked me to let him know I got home and I did and I apologised, bantering, about making him miss out on sex and he replied with "I wasn't trying to line you up for a one time fuck, think in time you'll see that. But as long as you're comfortable. We've been honest all night and I'm being that now."
And now its twenty four hours later and i'm still so goddamn confused about the whole situation.
I can't see how you can go from that length of friendship to "yeah I wanna see you naked" And i've NEVER, EVER thought that about ANY of my male friends, from the boys I knocked about with in school, to my uni mates who i'd pass out with in the same bed, to the guys I've worked with, and I've always thought the same about these, thinking the same. So because I can't see how this is possible, I'm jumping to the rebound/FWB thing and i'm not going to be his rebound girl and i'm not going down the FWB route again. I dont want to be treated like an object and I'm kinda hurt that I was.
And then I'm finding excuses to message him, to chat with him and I said to him bluntly last night that I would be more interested, if there wasn't the length of friendship we had as I didn't understand how you can change your opinion like that. And I'm second guessing myself, because I'm so goddamn lonely and its nice to be flirted with and he's safe and seen me throwing up drunk, rocking up to football with straw in my hair, fishing hay out my bra in the loo and stinking of horse shit and sweat so what if I suddenly think that I have feelings for him that I really dont? But what if I do? And the whole thing is a bloody mess and i've suddenly remembered we impulsively bought theatre tickets earlier in the night and ordinarily I wouldn't think twice about this, I've done it before, or gone out for a meal with one or another of them, or to the cinema, or to the pub or even on fucking holiday but now the game has changed and I don't know what I want and I don't know what he wants and this is all a huge cunting mess.