Ok - let me fill you in on my weekend. As previously mentioned BB appeared mid August and we got heavily flirty, dodgy videos got sent. We made plans to meet up. Do what has been hanging over us 18 years ago. 

(18!!!! Can you believe i've been dicking about with this that long? That means possibly next year is my 20th Blog-versary? Jesus I'm getting old.....)

Lockdown happened and that did nothing to help my already fragile mental state as referred too in the other post. I had been looking forward to it very much.

Fuck it. I decided I had the day off. I'll break lockdown. Drive 143 miles one way to see him. You're allowed with the new rules to see one other person. Single people are allowed to do so... Support Bubbles and all that shit. Yes I was taking it to extreme as i'm sure they mean just visiting people down the road and you're not allowed in their houses. But I needed so, so desperately to get out of this house, to have human contact. The sex I'd been promised, that he'd built up in my head.

So I did. I went to see him. And as my life goes, it never lived up to expectations. Oh I was very careful. I don't obviously leave the house much, apart from riding and the park and I only touch my things there. I didn't go to the supermarket or shops at all in the week leading up to it. 

I had to stop at services halfway through to use the loo, I washed my hands before leaving the car, I only opened the doors using elbows etc, once through the door, I washed them again. I washed them before using the loo, after, before touching the pads when ordering a cheeky macdonalds, (my first since Feb!) once they gave me the food. before leaving services, when eating in my car. I wore my mask. I was as careful and confident as I can be that I took all precautions.

I got to his late, and we hung out in his hot tub, catching up, and yeah, things started to go the way we planned.

He remembers, bless him, how worried and naïve about it all I was, tried to reassure me, although I don't need it any more.... Things were moving on.... His cat got into a fight or something outside and he went to rescue it.... Stopped the mood a bit. Came back and I tried to instigate things again but yeah, it was dead.

We went to bed and things got moving again... but he wasn't fully ready (trying very hard not to be too crude here!!!) He told me he had too much to drink while waiting for me. We cuddled and went to sleep.

Oh God! It was so nice just to be held and kissed and to feel wanted. I didn't need to hold back, not like with FWB. Didn't need to keep my guard up, make sure that I didn't fall. We slipped back into how it was before. Even just cuddling in the morning and during the day, nothing sexual. Just felt wanted for the first time in ages, how much I missed human contact.

His cat kept getting in the way. That bloody animal knew exactly what he was doing. It was funny, and even funny in the morning when we tried again and failed.

We sat and watched TV and in the afternoon I tried to start things up again and we went back upstairs.

"I'm sorry.... I can't... I've not been able to for ages."

I was drunk. I rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up and cried. Just like being in my early 20's again and crying on his shoulder because I was so scared of the future. So sure it was my fault, that he was making excuses for me, that I was broken. That he regretted me being here. That trying to live up to an 18 year old fantasy was so bloody stupid.

He asked me if I was allergic to the cat.

Sunday morning and I didn't have the heart to try again. I just got up, counted down the minutes until I could bolt for freedom, having made plans to go see H2 before driving home.

 I apologised when I got home. He tells me its not my fault. That I did nothing wrong, but I find it so hard to believe. I know its a man thing and pride when it doesn't work but I thought he knew me better than that. That he must have slept with other girls, he hasn't been in a long term relationship for 8 years but he'd had other girls. He must have. 

And I'm so goddamn frustrated that I broke all the rules, went under false pretences and here I am again.

It was a one off. He is too far for it to be a regular thing and to try again, even if I was ready to be humiliated again. I was struggling to get away even before, too many commitments. He's sweet and kind but ever so slightly racist and transphobic and I can't be doing with that shit. 

It was nice to get away, to kinda feel wanted, to spend 24 hours staring at a screen in a completely different environment. To catch up with an old friend, to see H2, even if only briefly as I had to get back to the yard for the horse by 3. 

So here we are again. Slightly refreshed by my weekend away, slightly still mentally broken and adding this trauma onto my list of mental woes. And I've been writing this since 9. Its time I started work.....

 I've struggled. Really struggled mentally with this whole thing. It was ok in the Summer as I could take dogs for long walks after work and ride.

I still work from home, which is brilliant for the dogs, for my being able to save some money, less stress but its hard. God its hard being in this house all day. 

They let us have "bubbles" and I struggled with that. No one would want to be in my bubble, no point asking. I asked people if they wanted to meet up, go for walks, go for a drink. People wanted to be with other friends, see family, I am low on their list. It's fine, I accept that.

Things loosened up a bit, we could start flyball, agility, obedience training. It was the only time I spoke face to face with people. 

Then it got taken away again, the nights are dark when I finish work. I take them out at lunch as well as the morning to get some sunshine.

My work began to suffer, I had an amazingly humiliating meeting about it. I hit rock bottom financially and have cut down my riding days which also lost me some of my routine and safety net. 

People talk about how lonely they are and I think, well this is nothing unusual for me. I can't be bothered to go drag the entry up but two years ago I made a post about walking around Asda just to be around people and repeating to myself that I was not lonely, I was not lonely.

I'd be ok with being on my own if I could just carry on with my activities and I realise just how much my life revolves around the animals, how much I rely on them for my sanity and how much worse I'd be if I didn't have them.

They talk about how they hope for a normal Christmas and I think, well my Christmases are on my own anyway, so that's normal and anyway now I know for definite people only invite me out of pity.

Mum only gets in touch when she needs something from me. One of my boys that I go to football with, hit rock bottom. I was scared he was going to do something silly. I reached out to him. Told him of my own struggles, tried to make him realise he's not on his own. Nothing. 

People only seem to reach out to me when they need something from me and because i'm so desperately lonely I run to help them, to give me meaning in my own life.

E & P's Dad died - not of the Covid, the funeral is next week. i'm going to be off  for it. I suppose I should be glad I'm invited as they're limited to 30 people?