Struggling mentally again at the moment. The Brat came home with two Guinea Pigs(!!!!) having split with his girlfriend again. Possibly this time its for good and now its me looking after the guinea pigs and having the sudden, horrific realisation that he will never go for good, that I'm always going to have him to look after.

And looking after is what it is, its taken him a good month to move the piles of clothes that are on the kitchen floor, the piles of DVD's and CD's and the house is slowly getting messy again. I had hoped - dreamed that this was it, that perhaps I could move J in, in the winter. But three weeks ago, I had a stayaway competition. I left at 5.30 on Saturday morning, got home 6.30 Sunday evening and he'd not flushed the toilet in that entire spell and it was a hot weekend! 

So how can I ask anyone to come live with me in that kinda condition? I know Welshy did but Mother was at home for some of the time and anyway he was sponging off of us - which I realise now - so who gives a shit when we were paying for his food and rent and cleaning?

Speaking quickly of Welshy - guess who's now married! Fuck you, hobbity cunt. 

I have been feeling neglected by my flyball friends in a kinda stroppy teenager way, realising that they were slowly moving away from me, going around Paws without me, finding out after everyone else that one was buying a flat, another getting a new dream job, another dating someone and the two that I'm closest too, the ones that I've vented to about the Boy and Mother both pretty much told me they were bored of hearing about it and to speak to a therapist and not them and then I remember the 7 weeks 4 days of lockdown when no one reached out to me, when I reached out to others and they made excuses as to why they couldn't bubble with me or talk and then THAT cycles further back to the time I tried to tell Mother about being bullied when I was 16/17 and how she just shrugged and said my life was worthless anyway, so very much clammed up there and I'm cautious about how much I say to J in case I get the same reactions.

So its been safe to say I'm struggling and then Mother came home this week, leaving today and I'd built it up in my head to tell her about J and it was making me sick with anxiety, remembering how when I bought Welshy home the first time, she proceeded to remove her jeans to prove she had better legs than me.

And then he was sick both days we arranged to meet and I'm feeling so bitter and resentful thinking about how I struggled on my bad leg to meet his family earlier this year and there was snide comments about if he really existed and I know she was thinking bad about him, even though it was me pushing for the meet and I don't think she's even asked what his name is or anything apart from how it would affect The Brat. Actually thats a lie, she did ask what his job was but that's about it and TBF I'm so wary of her that even if she did ask, I'd be so brief with details that she probably thinks better not to ask and this is how she gets me second guessing myself and doubting everything.

And then I've been making a huge effort to sort the back garden out, buying plants and weeding and digging plants up and spending more money than I can really afford only for her to tell me I'm wasting my time. And even though at the start of this month I'd checked the tyres, somehow they were flat and rubbed to the wire and I genuinely don't know how that happened as two week previous they were fine, but apparently I hadn't looked after the car and I drive it too much and she bought two new tyres so she was pissed with me about that.

And on Friday I took her to an agility show and she caused an accident with Mrs Spaniel because she didn't listen to me asking her to wait so she didn't worry about her and all she did was moan about the wind and the cold and the rain and then dig and dig in the queue pre-accident about how this was going to be a car-crash that the people in front of me turned to give me a sympathetic smile and now I've got to get the physio out early for her as the poor old dog is still stiff and sore. She tried to go onto her usual spiel about The Brat and I cut her off telling her I was bored of hearing it, that he won't have owt to do with her ( he's slept in his car rather than come home this week).

We went to a party in the evening, she's known the family all her life, babysitting them. I grew up three doors down living next to them for 12 years before we moved here. They didnt recognise me, they all asked after The Brat. Even someone that I'd never met. 

Struggling. Struggling so much.

And on Saturday I was trying, trying so hard to make up for being short and arsey with her and J was supposed to meet us for dinner but bailed again so I bought her dinner at the Harvester and then Sunday was flyball training and I finally cracked when Colliedog was naughty and chased other dogs because they ignored me when I tried to tell them it wouldn't work and I finally cracked and spent the whole session in tears in the car and the older people tried to see if I was ok and tell me I can speak to them but I can't because its in the back of my mind all the time that they don't really care, that i'll just be 24 hours gossip.

 That there's no point talking about it because nothing will ever change and one of the girls I mentioned earlier made a huge show of giving me a hug when I did emerge to help pack up and yet, it's 24 hours later and only the old people have reached out to see if I'm ok. None of the ones that I thought were my friends.

And I came home and felt guilty about the way I've acted to Mother and treated her to FrancoMarco's which was expensive and both that and the Harvester meal is out of my budget and J who is TBF useless with contact anyway hasn't got in touch since Sat and I know he went to a Peter Kay gig Sunday and if he could do that, surely he could have seen me? So i'm again acting like a child and not messaging him and really I need some space from him even though he's supposed to be the one I can rely on.

And just to finish this very self-pitying woeful message, I'm awaiting an MRI for my hip and the current thought is that I'm dislocating it or there's a tear in the labral fibres (which I just want to point out, I suggested to the GP in Jan 2021) and there's also a train of thought that this is related to my as a baby being slow to learn to walk about was supposed to be investigated for hip issues then, but no one bothered so its entirely possible that this is a long standing issue and the fall bought it all to the surface and Mother was very gleefully talking about if this meant I'd need a hip replacement.... 

So tired of it all, so tired of always being in pain, so tired of being lonely and so very tired of being broke financially. 

 Wow April. Didn't realise I'd gone so far without updating. March passed well with trips to play Go-Karts and up to London to ride a speedboat down the Thames and back and then to have cocktails.

L has had his op, I went to see him in the hospital and he was a bit groggy and out of it but he's doing well and he said yesterday that the cancer had all gone and would have a small course of Chemo, hopefully a mild dose and all good.

G left us on Saturday to go to Thailand. I'll miss him, its for two years potentially and then she can get a visa to come here, He proposed to her as its something she wanted apparently. Yes Alarm bells are ringing about this whole situation but as J says, there's nowt we can do except hope we're thinking the worst.

Spanieldog went to do an agility show last weekend and came home with her first rosettes - a second and a 5th place after many years of trying hard. She did 4 runs and 4 was too much for her, so when I sign myself up for the next ones, it'll be only 2 or three that I'll do. She's 10 now! Poor old dog. 

 

 Definitely had post holiday blues this week. Realised as well I've actually spent a bit more on credit cards than I'd want considering i'm supposed to be paying them all off and its still a long way till Sept '25 and being debt free! So maybe a few cheap weeks are needed!

Which is depressing as I've got the flyball champs that we've qualified for to try and pay, the car and house all need work as well!

Had a couple of little bombshells this week too. L up in Hull messaged to say he's been diagnosed with cancer although he's sounding hopeful that they've caught it super early and it'll all be good.

And G - the link between me and J is packing it all in to move to Thailand where's he's met some girl. I mean he travels there a lot so its always been in my head that perhaps one day he would go over there to work but yeah. Apparently this is how we roll now. 

 I'm back from Edinburgh!

I wanted to surprise J for his birthday and he'd never been, I hadn't been since possibly 2008 and its such a lovely, quirky city, all higgledy, piggledy and OLD!

So I booked up flights, hotels, a sneaky trip over to Glasgow - first time in Glasgow, been to better Scottish cities although TBF we were just around the train station - and reserved a couple of tables in cool bars and arranged to see TP and TJ as they have moved back up.

The trip was a success! It was such a fun slow burn, letting him guess we were driving to the airport, to take him to the departure board and get him to guess and then tell him what was the plan.

Work hadn't approved my Friday/Monday leave at all so it was a bit of a gamble if I could get away with it but luckily I did!

So Friday, I worked in until about 10.30ish and then we went for an explore and to get our bearings and then went to the castle to explore and then found Edinburgh's smallest bar, Tom Riddell's grave, the Greyfriar's Bobby memorial, back to the hotel for a quick rest and then out to a Frankenstein themed bar in an old church where we tried haggis loaded fries and watched an animatronic Frankenstein slowly lower from the ceiling, "wake up and look around" before lying down and going back up.

We went to another bar where I drank/ate alcoholic ice creams before a nightcap at the hotel.

Saturday we went to Glasgow, found a cool bar with alcoholic milkshakes, went to Celtic Park - in my opinion watching 1st vs 4th, it was more mid-table Championship standard rather than them claiming they'd be competitive in the Premiership.

Back to Edinburgh, a really nice meal in a supposedly alpine themed bar (it didn't seem that way) and another hotel nightcap.

Sunday We had a lie in, breakfast under the castle's walls and then met TP &TJ where we went to Mary Kings Close, an underground street, and then walked to find a giant marshmallow shop for a hot chocolate.

They said goodbye and we played in the hotel pool and sauna for a bit before going out for another meal and then it was a super early flight so I could be logged on as soon as possible - I can't believe that I got away with it!!

It was a lovely trip with good weather for Scotland in Feb, a lovely catch-up with the Twins and nice to just hang out with neither of us feeling the need to rush about to go to work or do dog things or any of the other commitments that we have.   

 Such a full on few days!

The snooker was actually more exciting than I thought it'd be, although it helped that apparently they were two attacking players.

It'd be nice to see Ally Pally in the daylight too I thought, it looks like there's a lovely view from the park and i'm not sure how much of the inside you can see.

It was a late one, not home until midnight though. It was also a bit annoying as my car battery has died with this cold snap despite only being a year old and having a 4 year warranty so i'll have to see if I can get it refunded despite not being able to track down the reciept!

I met up with J again on Friday and we went to a immersive balloon exhibit but it was a bit more just looking rather than interacting so I deffo preferred the bubble thing we all did before Xmas.

He came to mine after and I showed him how to change the car battery and tbh it's nice to have that extra pair of hands to do it as it's such a bloody faffy job!

A lovely lazy Saturday morning hanging out in bed before I took him home and then prepped for the flyball comp on Sunday. First one of the year and the dogs mostly behaved well.

It's been a nice little start to the year, its supposedly Blue Monday but there's still so much to look forward to coming up soon and this is my first full week back at work so it's been a nice slow ease back into life.

And the days are slowly, slowly getting longer too! Tomorrow being first time sun rises before 8am!

 A very belated round up.

Another milestone of remembering that awful day in the hospice, now 18 years ago and quite scary to think that I could soon have outlived him.

Christmas was ok as it always is, I went to J's families for Christmas eve, and on Christmas day I took the dogs to Dungeness for a run around.

J and I had a year anniversary. I still struggle a little with it sometimes, the change from drinking friends to dating, but I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. He's sweet, gentle and thoughtful and I'm loving all the adventures. Its been so long, just existing and not actually living.

We went to see a fireworks display at Leeds Castle, met up with JA and his GF and went to the Bubble Experience which was brilliant fun.

On Thursday I take him to his Christmas present, which is an evening watching snooker. On Friday we're going to some balloon immersive experience thingy. Then I'm out at the first flyball competition of the year.

I've planned a secret holiday for us to go to Edinburgh for his B'day, booked two fun bars and hoping to get tickets to a Celtic game.

The Brat is back with his GF and talking about how he shouldn't really be paying rent etc here when he's not lived here pretty much all year. 

 OMG! OMG! I met up with STF! Which according to this blog, the last time we saw each other was Sept 2010!

J and I got tickets to go to see England play Italy, he'd never been to an England game and after Porto, I was on various priority lists so I applied and we got lucky!

Wasn't the plan at all but he messaged me randomly when I was on the tube on the way up and Yay!

I do think of those boys often, how they saved my sanity when everything was spiraling and so, so bad that last term of uni and I miss them.

England won too! 3-1 which made the very long day well worth it, I and J, JA and J's brother have applied for tickets for the Euro 2024 quarter finals so fingers crossed that we get them and also at least one of them is an England game!

What else is new? Work have now decided I need to go in 3 days a week and start at 8.30, which isn't great because its a very long time to leave the dogs and everyone else gets to stay with the two days.

But on other hand I'll be finishing now at 3.30 on Fridays so there's that at least.

I went to a Flyball friend's wedding end of September and had a great time dancing and drinking.

I've been given hearing aids to make up for covid having stolen my hearing, they're horrible, ugly and I hate them but wear them like a good girl! 

I recently worked my way through the extended LOTR films on at the cinema, one each week. Mother is back in November, The Brat is spending about half the week here and half at his GF's and life cruises on much as it has done but it has really been the absolute best year i've had in a very, very long time!