So in March, life was full of hope.

It no longer is, the car requires a lot of work to keep it road worthy, cheaper than buying a new car but yet will take away the cards I've cleared.

I had a huge dent in one of them regardless as I had two flat tyres just before we went away to Wales so I ended up using the money i'd saved for that and then having to hit the cards to survive.

We went to Chester and Wrexham btw. Bit strange being there since Welshy. Place still looks pretty similar, we kayaked over the highest aquaduct in Europe and had a lovely time.

I've met with the hip surgeon, been given a new MRI, new X-rays, a CT scan for first time ever and now on a waiting list to have a procedure under anesthetic before they decide to put me on a surgery waiting list. They prescribed me Tramadol which i'm yet to take as the side effects have put fear of God into me. 

Its stopped any idea of Thailand this year (even if the car wasn't buggered....) and from the face he pulled, I'm guessing next year also iffy.

G did come back for the playoffs - another Wembley win! The '98 play off shirt lucky again!!! Good to see him as well.

Things with J still going really well. Hoping to have a weekend away in August perhaps to co-incide with Bristol away and meet up with CL.

H2 is getting married again in November and hip-dependent we're hoping to go away to Derby for that. So looking forward to it and showing him Our Beloved Friary and other places from all those years ago that still exist.

So yeah, maybe no further abroad trips this year. I'm back to be horrendously broke and already just a few hours after payday, worrying about how I'll make it through the month but hopefully can get those little trips under our belt and it'll be better than nothing and hopefully next update won't be 3 months later and I'll be able to tell you about the procedure and that i'm on the hip replacement waiting list. 

 So here we are in March. I'm trying to organise my finances. I took out a loan hmm, maybe two years ago. Because of Spanielface becoming Piratedog and the car being constantly on life support, i'm not in a position to pay it off like I was hoping to in September.

In fact I'm almost worse off than I was before I took the loan out. But. I've been working hard at it. Thanks to flyball, I've mostly paid off one credit card (took a small dip in it to cover an unexpected outgoing in Morocco and I'd planned to use part of it for J's 40th present) but its minor. 8.99 when I get paid this month.

Another is well on the way - it was 700, i've got it down to 200. I've taken another loan out, which will cover the remainder of Original Loan and leave me 100 a month better off - oh no, it won't because the fucking council tax is now due. But I tell myself at least it wont leave me worse off. 

The goal is to lose those two small cards and then pick another (three other cards and a paypal credit limit) all of which are over a K each.

 Mother and TWMWB came back, I have a lovely new kitchen floor. My back room is almost useable. Spring is finally in the air and my garden will spring into life - i'm now a person who has daffs and crocuses in their lawn instead of bramble.

I'm still (I think this got mentioned in Oct last year's update) working on removing all the paint from the stairs so they can be varnished. My house is slowly starting to look like a house.

I spent a lot of my thirties, depressed, unable to afford food. Finances are still a HUGE HUGE worry, I still hate living at home but I've accepted my fate now and I'm going to damn well outlive him even if its only out of pure spite and I'm going to make this somewhere I want to spend the rest of my life. 

I want to go visit G next year in Thailand. I've spent nearly 10 months saving airmile points for me and J to visit for 300 each. We can hopefully book in May and then spend the rest of the time saving for hotels and adventures. 

I'd like to go away again this year but that's me living in fantasyworld and anyone who's been reading this for a long time knows, that I'm prone to disasters that are beyond my control. 

I have my next hip consultation in two weeks time, I'm not expecting the MRA that I was back in Oct, reality has sunk in and I think it'll be another pointless chat and then the waiting list for the MRA.

I don't know what else to update this with, apart from I veer from sleepless nights worrying about my life to absolute daydreams about backpacking around Thai jungles.

In the real world? God I suppose I should mention Trump being absolutely Batshit, how uneasy Musk makes me. The way it feels inevitable that we are slowly, slowly pulling towards a war, the way everything is so expensive I can barely afford to breathe.

But the sun is almost here, Spring is almost here. I'm ever so slowly going the right way financially and I'm going to carry on day dreaming because that's all I have. 

 Marrakech was awesome! I loved it! It was kinda like a toned down, more sanitised India. We did a sunrise Hot air balloon ride, amazing experience! Quad biking in the Desert - I got mine to at least 42kmph and had no control and drove straight into a bush.
We saw snake charmers and monkey handlers, and had a traditional hamman spa experience (they go EVERYWHERE with their hands!), rode a camel and had ice creams and cocktails and a fabulous time.

4 days was the perfect amount of time to do everything we wanted and made such a change from the -5 to +15! I'm very broke now and will need to be good for a bit as its J's big 40th next month and lifes expensive! 

 19 years guys! 19 years since that call. Insanity really. 

So i'm behind as always and really only doing this for my own benefit but here's my life update!

J and I are still good, two years now! Also insanity. We're going to Marrakech in a fortnight. 

I'm not doing brilliantly financially but equally I'm better than I was the last time I blogged. I paid one card off as mentioned and I'm working on another. I'd like to have paid it off and a decent dent into another by the end of the year. We'll see.

I somehow have missed the hip injury update/s. So I saw a specialist in September. He recommended me a steroid injection. Which worked until the local anaesthetic wore away and then I spent the month in more pain that before, pain sleeping, sitting, standing. It started to affect the other leg and end of Oct I actually went home from work as I couldn't concentrate on anything.

So now i'm in the queue again (April!) for a fancypants MRI with glow in the dark dye to try and see more of whats going on and then I expect after that I'll be on the waiting list for an op and God only knows if that will happen this year!

Spanieldog still manages to compete Flyball, she was out yesterday actually and her team came third and Colliedog's team 2nd.  

I saw CL for the first time in two years and she dropped the bombshell that she and UDOBF had split after 10? ish? maybe slightly more, I can't be arsed to check. Years of marriage. Wow. But it was lovely seeing her and I'd like to do it again. Such a shame everyone is so far away!

Christmas was surprisingly good. The Brat (he's 40 this year - should I give him a more age-appropriate name?) FINALLY got rid of Granddad's car that was sitting on the drive, undriven for 7 years so we could get a skip (Mother - "ooh wasn't he brave to do that, it must have been hard for him to do so" and then several days of follow up questions about if he had spoken about it at all - I mean its a car, not pulling the plug on someone's life support....)
We needed a skip as the kitchen floor decided to collapse so now there's a hole in it. And the back room has just been full of junk and shit he's pulled from other skips for years so we (I) cleared it, I cleared the cupboard under the stairs and a bit into the shed as well. 

I repainted the hallway and bathroom and regrouted the bathroom floor. I'm actually really sad about this as I did it with glittery grout and it looked amazing, until I realised I do not live the lifestyle intended and the glitter collects dog dirt and hair and is now discoloured and worse looking than before.

Sigh.

I found a sander in my tidying and my plan is over next few weeks to sand the stairs as they're half painted, half bare wood and then repaint the skirting.

Finances of course might affect this....

I spent Christmas Eve with J and his family and then on the day itself I took the dogs to Dymchurch and we went to the beach and then on a walk around the edge of Port Lymphe safari park and it was worth the climb in the mud as I got really close to giraffes!

Boxing day J and I went to Charlton and basically I've spent nearly three weeks just drinking alcohol and eating sugar to the point where real food felt like a Rustlers Burger! 

Today is first day back at work and a WFH day so a soft start although it was a shock to the system getting up in the dark! Still just the one week and then holiday! We're hoping to do a hot air balloon ride! 

Somehow forgot to publish the last blog entry but never mind.

Life hit an all time low last week when IdiotCollie ATE my drivers seatbelt while at flyball training. There were many tears and hysterics and yeah somehow now everyone thinks (to be fair not far off) that I'm totally poverty stricken, lent me 500 quid - they say its a gift but I WILL pay it back somehow.
And someone bought me a massive bag of dog food. I'm incredibly grateful as it has paid one of the credit cards off minus something stupid like 5 quid and I've got enough money to get through until payday.

But I hate, LOATHE being thought of as a charity case. Hate sponging off of people. Makes me feel like such a loser. 

 I am SO SO grateful to TP and TJ who got me through September. I told them about Spanieldog and they sent down a care package including a £50 Tesco gift card. They even sent money down so she could have a groom and tidy herself up after all the drama of August.

Its still been a really, really rough month financially, October is still going to be really rough but hopefully we'll get through and November will see it start to ease off although it's going to take quite some time to get myself back to where I was this time last year - even this time in Feb when I was feeling relatively confident that even though I'd overspent a bit, I was still on course to be debt free by Sept '25.

Spanieldog has adapted really well to now being Piratedog, we've had to learn to do things like keep the washing machine door shut and chairs pushed in so she doesn't walk in them and finding her more underfoot than before. She's running flyball a second slower than before but she's still doing it, still happy to do it and still able to do it safely. I'm going to try her indoors in November but if the light and shadow prove too much then she can sit it out until we go outside again. 

I do want to start competive Obedience with her but as of yet haven't managed to get her to any of the classes as life keeps getting in the way.

 This has been one of the WORST August's ever.

I mentioned in previous blog entry that I suspected something was up with Spanieldog's eyes. I wasn't concerned enough to take her to the vets before, there was no rubbing, no irritation, no gunk, so I thought I'd monitor it and bring it up at the vets when she went for her jabs and annual check up.

Big BIG mistake, turned out the poor fucker had a tumour in one eye and would need it removing. They were happy for me to take her to the flyball champs as it had obviously been there some time and yet didn't seem to be causing any issues and I'd book her in on return to have ultrasound and tomography testing.

The jabs were Tuesday, I was going Wednesday to Monday and then I had birthday plans (God this makes me sound so selfish and uncaring!!) so the appointment was made for Friday.

We travelled up to Tamworth ok, checked into the most gorgeous little cottage on Wednesday, Thursday arrived at the venue for speed trials. She arrived at the venue ok, I raced Colliedog, then went to get Spaniel out of the car.

OMG her eye was glued shut and massively, massively swollen with gunk. It didn't seem logical that 48 hours could have made such a difference when the vets had looked at it and deemed her fit to race so I wondered if it was an infection or a sting. She still wanted to run so we let her and over the course of the few days cleared up pretty well.

I went to see H2 on Friday. She ran in the comp Saturday and her team got a 1st place! Sunday Colliedog ran and got a 3rd. 

Came home Monday and confirmed appointment, mentioned the gunk and swelling. Vets still thought she'd be ok for Friday as it was clearing up.

Tuesday I went to Brighton with J, had a lovely time on the coast and came home Weds, checked on her and we went to see Wicked.

Thurs took them for a nice walk, she's still chasing a ball, bullying Colliedog so I'm still not too worried and on Friday she went into the vets and then my world caved in as they said that they thought the other eye was starting to get issues and wasn't sure if the tumour had spread. Well. I know some dogs can lead perfectly nice lives with only one eye but she's not one of them. She loves to be busy and explore and compete so I said if it had, to PTS as it would be kindest, she said that she wasn't 100% convinced it was a tumour but wanted to send to RVC over in Hertfordshire as they obviously have more ways of testing.

I was in bits but agreed so found myself in a traffic jam trying to get through Blackwall Tunnel in order to get her there. Got lost on way. Got her there and all the vets and students are trying to work it out, she's loving the attention and again they mention that it may now be in the other eye. They're wondering if a tick or something has caused all this.

I sit and wait in the reception area while she has various scans and when they tell me its not spread as far as they can tell and the only thing left is to remove it.

It turned out to have caused a massive haemotoma which was starting to press on the other eye, but luckily now its removed her eye is fine and we're all adjusting to life with one eye. Of course it means the end of her agility career but at 10 she was due to retire soon anyway. I'd like to start Competive Obedience with her as she still wants to be out and busy and she seems ok doing flyball outside. 

So I'm 4k down, maxed out all my credit cards. yeah. The ones i've spent ages paying off. Lucky me. And owe The Brat something like 1400 quid, Mother 600 and J  - well he won't tell me what he paid to have the car camchain sorted for me.

And speaking of the car, it only just scraped through the MOT. Its on life support and really should be scrapped but obviously I can't afford to replace it. Can't afford the repair bills. URGH. 

 So it turns out that I have a CAM deformity of the ball part of the hip joint, I have mild osteoarthritis. Its possible that the uneven part of the bone has ground through all the protective material and is grinding on bone.

I have trochanteric bursitis as well. Been referred to a surgeon, possibly might need a hip replacement. Won't know really until I've spoken to them, other options are more physio waiting for it to get worse and need the surgery - been off and on physio for nearly 3 years so enough of that nonsense thank you very much!!

Or having an op like Andy Murray and having the ball shaved smooth. Both operations sound terrifying, both sound like it'll be a good 6 month recovery.

I am in a lot of pain today, The Brat's car broke down so i've been up at 4.30 three days in a row to drive him to work, its a 2 hour round trip through London so not sure if all the gear changing has buggered me.

Very tired lol!

Dogs off to national flyball finals in two weeks, I think this is the end of Mrs Spaniel's career. I'm not sure if she's losing the vision in one of her eyes and she's still not completely right after damaging herself in June.

Things with J are ok, he still makes me very happy and if I could just turn off the internal voices I'm sure i'd be happier! 

 Struggling mentally again at the moment. The Brat came home with two Guinea Pigs(!!!!) having split with his girlfriend again. Possibly this time its for good and now its me looking after the guinea pigs and having the sudden, horrific realisation that he will never go for good, that I'm always going to have him to look after.

And looking after is what it is, its taken him a good month to move the piles of clothes that are on the kitchen floor, the piles of DVD's and CD's and the house is slowly getting messy again. I had hoped - dreamed that this was it, that perhaps I could move J in, in the winter. But three weeks ago, I had a stayaway competition. I left at 5.30 on Saturday morning, got home 6.30 Sunday evening and he'd not flushed the toilet in that entire spell and it was a hot weekend! 

So how can I ask anyone to come live with me in that kinda condition? I know Welshy did but Mother was at home for some of the time and anyway he was sponging off of us - which I realise now - so who gives a shit when we were paying for his food and rent and cleaning?

Speaking quickly of Welshy - guess who's now married! Fuck you, hobbity cunt. 

I have been feeling neglected by my flyball friends in a kinda stroppy teenager way, realising that they were slowly moving away from me, going around Paws without me, finding out after everyone else that one was buying a flat, another getting a new dream job, another dating someone and the two that I'm closest too, the ones that I've vented to about the Boy and Mother both pretty much told me they were bored of hearing about it and to speak to a therapist and not them and then I remember the 7 weeks 4 days of lockdown when no one reached out to me, when I reached out to others and they made excuses as to why they couldn't bubble with me or talk and then THAT cycles further back to the time I tried to tell Mother about being bullied when I was 16/17 and how she just shrugged and said my life was worthless anyway, so very much clammed up there and I'm cautious about how much I say to J in case I get the same reactions.

So its been safe to say I'm struggling and then Mother came home this week, leaving today and I'd built it up in my head to tell her about J and it was making me sick with anxiety, remembering how when I bought Welshy home the first time, she proceeded to remove her jeans to prove she had better legs than me.

And then he was sick both days we arranged to meet and I'm feeling so bitter and resentful thinking about how I struggled on my bad leg to meet his family earlier this year and there was snide comments about if he really existed and I know she was thinking bad about him, even though it was me pushing for the meet and I don't think she's even asked what his name is or anything apart from how it would affect The Brat. Actually thats a lie, she did ask what his job was but that's about it and TBF I'm so wary of her that even if she did ask, I'd be so brief with details that she probably thinks better not to ask and this is how she gets me second guessing myself and doubting everything.

And then I've been making a huge effort to sort the back garden out, buying plants and weeding and digging plants up and spending more money than I can really afford only for her to tell me I'm wasting my time. And even though at the start of this month I'd checked the tyres, somehow they were flat and rubbed to the wire and I genuinely don't know how that happened as two week previous they were fine, but apparently I hadn't looked after the car and I drive it too much and she bought two new tyres so she was pissed with me about that.

And on Friday I took her to an agility show and she caused an accident with Mrs Spaniel because she didn't listen to me asking her to wait so she didn't worry about her and all she did was moan about the wind and the cold and the rain and then dig and dig in the queue pre-accident about how this was going to be a car-crash that the people in front of me turned to give me a sympathetic smile and now I've got to get the physio out early for her as the poor old dog is still stiff and sore. She tried to go onto her usual spiel about The Brat and I cut her off telling her I was bored of hearing it, that he won't have owt to do with her ( he's slept in his car rather than come home this week).

We went to a party in the evening, she's known the family all her life, babysitting them. I grew up three doors down living next to them for 12 years before we moved here. They didnt recognise me, they all asked after The Brat. Even someone that I'd never met. 

Struggling. Struggling so much.

And on Saturday I was trying, trying so hard to make up for being short and arsey with her and J was supposed to meet us for dinner but bailed again so I bought her dinner at the Harvester and then Sunday was flyball training and I finally cracked when Colliedog was naughty and chased other dogs because they ignored me when I tried to tell them it wouldn't work and I finally cracked and spent the whole session in tears in the car and the older people tried to see if I was ok and tell me I can speak to them but I can't because its in the back of my mind all the time that they don't really care, that i'll just be 24 hours gossip.

 That there's no point talking about it because nothing will ever change and one of the girls I mentioned earlier made a huge show of giving me a hug when I did emerge to help pack up and yet, it's 24 hours later and only the old people have reached out to see if I'm ok. None of the ones that I thought were my friends.

And I came home and felt guilty about the way I've acted to Mother and treated her to FrancoMarco's which was expensive and both that and the Harvester meal is out of my budget and J who is TBF useless with contact anyway hasn't got in touch since Sat and I know he went to a Peter Kay gig Sunday and if he could do that, surely he could have seen me? So i'm again acting like a child and not messaging him and really I need some space from him even though he's supposed to be the one I can rely on.

And just to finish this very self-pitying woeful message, I'm awaiting an MRI for my hip and the current thought is that I'm dislocating it or there's a tear in the labral fibres (which I just want to point out, I suggested to the GP in Jan 2021) and there's also a train of thought that this is related to my as a baby being slow to learn to walk about was supposed to be investigated for hip issues then, but no one bothered so its entirely possible that this is a long standing issue and the fall bought it all to the surface and Mother was very gleefully talking about if this meant I'd need a hip replacement.... 

So tired of it all, so tired of always being in pain, so tired of being lonely and so very tired of being broke financially. 

 Wow April. Didn't realise I'd gone so far without updating. March passed well with trips to play Go-Karts and up to London to ride a speedboat down the Thames and back and then to have cocktails.

L has had his op, I went to see him in the hospital and he was a bit groggy and out of it but he's doing well and he said yesterday that the cancer had all gone and would have a small course of Chemo, hopefully a mild dose and all good.

G left us on Saturday to go to Thailand. I'll miss him, its for two years potentially and then she can get a visa to come here, He proposed to her as its something she wanted apparently. Yes Alarm bells are ringing about this whole situation but as J says, there's nowt we can do except hope we're thinking the worst.

Spanieldog went to do an agility show last weekend and came home with her first rosettes - a second and a 5th place after many years of trying hard. She did 4 runs and 4 was too much for her, so when I sign myself up for the next ones, it'll be only 2 or three that I'll do. She's 10 now! Poor old dog. 

 

 Definitely had post holiday blues this week. Realised as well I've actually spent a bit more on credit cards than I'd want considering i'm supposed to be paying them all off and its still a long way till Sept '25 and being debt free! So maybe a few cheap weeks are needed!

Which is depressing as I've got the flyball champs that we've qualified for to try and pay, the car and house all need work as well!

Had a couple of little bombshells this week too. L up in Hull messaged to say he's been diagnosed with cancer although he's sounding hopeful that they've caught it super early and it'll all be good.

And G - the link between me and J is packing it all in to move to Thailand where's he's met some girl. I mean he travels there a lot so its always been in my head that perhaps one day he would go over there to work but yeah. Apparently this is how we roll now. 

 I'm back from Edinburgh!

I wanted to surprise J for his birthday and he'd never been, I hadn't been since possibly 2008 and its such a lovely, quirky city, all higgledy, piggledy and OLD!

So I booked up flights, hotels, a sneaky trip over to Glasgow - first time in Glasgow, been to better Scottish cities although TBF we were just around the train station - and reserved a couple of tables in cool bars and arranged to see TP and TJ as they have moved back up.

The trip was a success! It was such a fun slow burn, letting him guess we were driving to the airport, to take him to the departure board and get him to guess and then tell him what was the plan.

Work hadn't approved my Friday/Monday leave at all so it was a bit of a gamble if I could get away with it but luckily I did!

So Friday, I worked in until about 10.30ish and then we went for an explore and to get our bearings and then went to the castle to explore and then found Edinburgh's smallest bar, Tom Riddell's grave, the Greyfriar's Bobby memorial, back to the hotel for a quick rest and then out to a Frankenstein themed bar in an old church where we tried haggis loaded fries and watched an animatronic Frankenstein slowly lower from the ceiling, "wake up and look around" before lying down and going back up.

We went to another bar where I drank/ate alcoholic ice creams before a nightcap at the hotel.

Saturday we went to Glasgow, found a cool bar with alcoholic milkshakes, went to Celtic Park - in my opinion watching 1st vs 4th, it was more mid-table Championship standard rather than them claiming they'd be competitive in the Premiership.

Back to Edinburgh, a really nice meal in a supposedly alpine themed bar (it didn't seem that way) and another hotel nightcap.

Sunday We had a lie in, breakfast under the castle's walls and then met TP &TJ where we went to Mary Kings Close, an underground street, and then walked to find a giant marshmallow shop for a hot chocolate.

They said goodbye and we played in the hotel pool and sauna for a bit before going out for another meal and then it was a super early flight so I could be logged on as soon as possible - I can't believe that I got away with it!!

It was a lovely trip with good weather for Scotland in Feb, a lovely catch-up with the Twins and nice to just hang out with neither of us feeling the need to rush about to go to work or do dog things or any of the other commitments that we have.   

 Such a full on few days!

The snooker was actually more exciting than I thought it'd be, although it helped that apparently they were two attacking players.

It'd be nice to see Ally Pally in the daylight too I thought, it looks like there's a lovely view from the park and i'm not sure how much of the inside you can see.

It was a late one, not home until midnight though. It was also a bit annoying as my car battery has died with this cold snap despite only being a year old and having a 4 year warranty so i'll have to see if I can get it refunded despite not being able to track down the reciept!

I met up with J again on Friday and we went to a immersive balloon exhibit but it was a bit more just looking rather than interacting so I deffo preferred the bubble thing we all did before Xmas.

He came to mine after and I showed him how to change the car battery and tbh it's nice to have that extra pair of hands to do it as it's such a bloody faffy job!

A lovely lazy Saturday morning hanging out in bed before I took him home and then prepped for the flyball comp on Sunday. First one of the year and the dogs mostly behaved well.

It's been a nice little start to the year, its supposedly Blue Monday but there's still so much to look forward to coming up soon and this is my first full week back at work so it's been a nice slow ease back into life.

And the days are slowly, slowly getting longer too! Tomorrow being first time sun rises before 8am!

 A very belated round up.

Another milestone of remembering that awful day in the hospice, now 18 years ago and quite scary to think that I could soon have outlived him.

Christmas was ok as it always is, I went to J's families for Christmas eve, and on Christmas day I took the dogs to Dungeness for a run around.

J and I had a year anniversary. I still struggle a little with it sometimes, the change from drinking friends to dating, but I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. He's sweet, gentle and thoughtful and I'm loving all the adventures. Its been so long, just existing and not actually living.

We went to see a fireworks display at Leeds Castle, met up with JA and his GF and went to the Bubble Experience which was brilliant fun.

On Thursday I take him to his Christmas present, which is an evening watching snooker. On Friday we're going to some balloon immersive experience thingy. Then I'm out at the first flyball competition of the year.

I've planned a secret holiday for us to go to Edinburgh for his B'day, booked two fun bars and hoping to get tickets to a Celtic game.

The Brat is back with his GF and talking about how he shouldn't really be paying rent etc here when he's not lived here pretty much all year. 

 OMG! OMG! I met up with STF! Which according to this blog, the last time we saw each other was Sept 2010!

J and I got tickets to go to see England play Italy, he'd never been to an England game and after Porto, I was on various priority lists so I applied and we got lucky!

Wasn't the plan at all but he messaged me randomly when I was on the tube on the way up and Yay!

I do think of those boys often, how they saved my sanity when everything was spiraling and so, so bad that last term of uni and I miss them.

England won too! 3-1 which made the very long day well worth it, I and J, JA and J's brother have applied for tickets for the Euro 2024 quarter finals so fingers crossed that we get them and also at least one of them is an England game!

What else is new? Work have now decided I need to go in 3 days a week and start at 8.30, which isn't great because its a very long time to leave the dogs and everyone else gets to stay with the two days.

But on other hand I'll be finishing now at 3.30 on Fridays so there's that at least.

I went to a Flyball friend's wedding end of September and had a great time dancing and drinking.

I've been given hearing aids to make up for covid having stolen my hearing, they're horrible, ugly and I hate them but wear them like a good girl! 

I recently worked my way through the extended LOTR films on at the cinema, one each week. Mother is back in November, The Brat is spending about half the week here and half at his GF's and life cruises on much as it has done but it has really been the absolute best year i've had in a very, very long time!

 So here we are! Well into September now and coming to the end of a late summer heatwave.

Things are still good with me and J, I'm still not sure who does and doesn't know about us but my work Bestie E apparently got quite drunk at the ball pit and decided to take matters into her own hands and told various people, although mostly I think people that already knew.

My wallet and keys were found at the ball pit which was exciting!

J and I have carried on having a few adventures, we went to Deal and ran around a giant inflatable obstable course which proved we were both very unfit!

And this weekend has been awful temperature wise with it being in the 30's, I melted at home Saturday but by the evening I was getting restless and I can't bear the thought of doing nothing at weekends so I impulsively messaged him to see if he fancied going down to the coast (along with the whole of SE London it seemed!)

So we had a lovely day at Joss Bay near Broadstairs and later went over to Margate and played in the arcades, had chips and a HUGE ice cream.

Getting home was a bit of a ballache as everyone was going at same time, so a 1 hour 15 journey took nearly 3 hours and ruined the plan of sorting dogs out, having a quick bath and then going back to his but hopefully there will be Tuesday evening instead.

 Guys - I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm now 40 - like when I started this blog back when dinosaurs still walked the Earth I was in my late teens. This actual blog has existed for 19 years. 

And I want to tell you about how depressed I was about making it to 40. But I have had about the best week possible so i'm gonna tell you about that instead!

So - it all kicked off on Friday 11th when N who has finally aged into being the grumpy, tired, old fat man he's always been decided he couldn't make my actual party but was going to take me to the cricket instead.

Nearest i've got to live Cricket before was Welshy's park team, so I was super excited to be seeing Surrey play Kent at the Oval as well.

And we drank 4 bottles of wine between us and actually got to walk on the pitch at Lunch and have a quick look in the museum.

Surrey won and it was a glorious day out getting wine-drunk and bitching and having a good catch up. I love him.

My Flyball club got together on Sunday 13th and had a little party for me and a collection that I opened on Monday which was lovely of them.

Monday - the Big Day - I didn't do much, the Car needed MOT-ing and I really wanted that out of the way in case I needed to stress about work needing doing, but the good thing got itself through with only a slow puncture to worry about.

The Brat actually remembered and bought me a TV - Mother sent me some goodies and money and J bless him sent me flowers.

Tuesday he was off and took me for a surprise day out. We went to Brunch in Holborn and ate pancakes that were bigger than my car tyre! An Escape Room and then a bar that did social darts of different types and it was such a lovely day, he took me to Giant Waterstones and insisted I chose a book that he could buy me as a present  - read Mexican Gothic if you haven't! - We came back to his and watched the Charlton game, not so lovely!

Wednesday I decided I'd do some sightseeing of the things I've always fancied doing but never got round too before, so I drove down to Hampshire and had again a lovely day out at a bird park and then visiting Jane Austen's House. I drive past maybe once or twice a year going to dog things and always wanted to stop and look around at both.

Thursday I just hung out with the dogs.

Friday - OMG let me tell you about Friday - This was going to be the absolute Pinnacle of my adventure, there is a club in Shoreditch that is also a giant adult's ball pit with all the colours, all the balls and cocktails.

Somehow I scraped together 15 friends from my days at the NMM - Lovely L came down on a whistlestop 24 hour adventure from Hull! - J, his brother and R, JA and G my football boys and girls from flyball and my work bestie and her husband.

It was absolutely amazing, I laughed, danced and drank my way through the night and lost nearly everything I own in the world, wallet, phone, keys. It doesnt matter, that stuff is a ballache but I had fun and took the very zen approach of "I can't do owt about it, why let it spoil my night"

So of course this weekend has been an attempt to try and re-organise and replace my possessions that I lost through being a careless idiot. 

I do have one nagging issue - the vague plan was that J and I would stop being Secret Squirrel and come out to all our mutuals on Friday, but it never happened and as fun as the last 8 months have been having that secret, its now well past the sell by date and I want to go public so to speak and because I'm a neurotic fool, its now playing in my head a little that, there's ulterior motives behind him keeping quiet. That he's like E.2.0 holding out/still pining after his ex. That he's another FWB who thought I wasn't socially acceptable enough to ever date properly.

I need to tell him this next time I see him and, I don't know - find out the best way to open up and open up ASAP  

 Urgh,

Its been a bad few days, so there's been all the upheaval and depression that comes with The Brat moving back in and realising that once again my life is dictated around cleaning up after him, plus the fight yesterday that has set Mrs Collie back in her rehab yet again.

Today I had a hospital appointment, I lost my hearing over Covid and its been 13 months since failing the hearing test and being referred to a specialist. 

Anyway, the appointment was today at 11.30. So I let work know and confidently said, worse case scenario i'd be in by 2pm, because even if it was runnng late, it couldn't be running THAT late?

Anyway, I was seen at 11.40 so thats not too shabby, I had another hearing test that I failed spectacularly and then had another wait to see a consultant and that was about 12.15, and he told me I needed hearing aids, which i'm pretty much resigned too and putting on a brave face about, but fucking hell, those NHS ones are so huge and ugly and awful and I can't afford 3k per ear for subtle invisible inner ear ones.

So the consultant told me to go back to the waiting room, so I did and an hour passes by and then a bit longer and at 13:30 I asked the Receptionist, who went to check, and yes, I had been told to wait there, but that was the wrong place to be waiting and I should be downstairs.

So downstairs I went. To be told that I shouldn't be waiting and that I'd be getting a letter in 6-8 weeks about a fitting. 

So it was 13:50 by the time I left the hospital, and 14:45 by the time I got to the office so I was in a really bad mood and then came home and I of course had to tidy the kitchen once I got in which just added to the mood and Mother is messaging me asking me what I want for my birthday and I don't want anything, I just want what i've wanted since I was 16/17 and that's to be away from them all and have a place of my own and she just sent back those crying/laughing emojis. 

So When the Brat appeared and thought it funny to try and communicate with me only in sign, I lost my temper again and threw the TV remote at him, which hit him on the leg, he threw it back at me and stormed out.

I'm tired, I don't want this to be my life for another 20 years but there's just no way out of it apart from the inevitable and at this point, basically I'm only living out of pure spite.

 

 I got into a fight! With punches! 

So Mrs Collie has been attacked by the same German Shepherd a few times and is now extremely worried about anything that looks similar, Huskys, akitas, malinois etc, so to avoid drama I do the sensible thing of putting her on a lead and giving them as wide a berth as possible in her comfort zone.

So when I saw one at the old houses in Oxleas, I put her on the lead, noticed it was muzzled and the owner did the same, went to give us space but didnt put it on the lead and it spotted Mrs Collie and launched at her, so she's screaming and trying to fight back and its gonna weigh 30-40kg compared to Mrs Collie's 15kg so even muzzled it could hurt her so I kicked it in the neck and then again in the ribs to stop the attack, the dog didn't even flinch so that's how hard it was!

And then the next thing the owner's on me and punched me in the arm screaming at me that I shouldn't kick her dog and it didn't matter that it attacked mine because its muzzled and my first though was "WTAF" and then she punched me again in the chest and she had one of those retractable leads in her hand so I saw red and punched her in the jaw, which hurt me a lot more than it hurt her!

And punctuated by various Fucks and Cunts I yelled that it didnt matter that it was muzzled, it went for my dog, common sense would have been if you knew your dog was aggressive you keep it on a lead and what if she had been recovering from an operation or was blind or deaf?

And then the dog broke free of her and leapt up at me, so I kneed it and pushed it down and then she squared up to me and all that's in my head is exactly HOW badly this is going to end up for me and that there's also no way I'm backing down now. 

Which is when two old ladies walking their doddery dogs walked past and she grabbed her dog before it went for those, clipped it on the lead and stormed off while I'm stood there screaming abuse at her.

I was shaking all the way home! 

 So The Brat is back again and he's ended it for good so he says and I'm plunged into misery about it. Already he's leaving mess everywhere, I had to clean the bath before I could use it and then clean it again this morning.

I've collected so far 6 cans of drink that have been scattered over the house and as he lives off of microwaveable meals, cleaned up endless containers and cardboard boxes and i'm trying to close my eyes to the clothes scattered everywhere. Why is this my life? Why am I stuck at practically 40, just as miserable about being at home as I was at 19 and this time without even the hope I'll escape.

I wonder sometimes if things work out with J what will happen longterm, I can't move into his flat with my animal baggage and I wouldn't let him move in here, not when The Brat is incapable of flushing the loo after himself.

I asked him this morning to take the bin out as it was overflowing and I was trying to clean the kitchen before logging on, he then took it out of the bin and put it on the floor. So I ended up having to do that as I can't leave it lying about or the dogs will be in it.

URGH. He says he's only just got up and can't do this, but I got up this morning, walked the dogs for an hour, cleaned the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it and then did the bin for him.

If I can do and spot this stuff, why can't he? And why does it always lead to an argument?