Is it really, really bad that I keep vaguely thinking of meeting up with BB for rebound sex? I feel so down and fed up with it all and he always knows the right things to say - albeit crudely and in a cringemaking way. To know that he's spent 20 years still thinking about those strange nights where I'd come to him crying and drunk and he'd hold me and teach me how to give blowjobs and try in his own strange way to comfort me, that he still thinks about that quick pitstop I made at his last June. 

In some ways I know its all noise to make me do what he wants, and in other ways I know him and I know somehow I'm like his fantasy girl and its not just him saying what he thinks I want to hear.

I want someone to make me feel loved again, I want someone to feel close too. I am glad perversely that E2.0 fucked off before I fell properly for him, but shit I did get attached and the thought of being alone again isn't much fun, nor is the idea of getting back on the online dating merry-go-round.

I just wish there was a reason behind this, meeting another girl, whatever, just so I could draw a line as I still feel vaguely like there will be a reason, that all will be explained. Its nearly three weeks. I need to grow up and maybe rebound sex is the way forward. He knows i'd be using him for that. He's happy to take whatever crumbs I throw at him. Thats not fair on him either though.