So 2018. What a year.
I started last Christmas absolutely heartbroken at being made to say goodbye to Welshy and part of me is still overawed that someone I spoke to every day for nearly 13 years is now a stranger and it's been a whole year since we spoke.
I miss him, I miss the friendship but the more time passes I wonder why I put up with him for so long, but he had his faults as we all do and I'll never forget him being there all those times I felt completely alone in the world.
I lost my Lolly too. I miss him a hell of a lot, it knocked me for 6 a little. There have been so many deaths in the history of this blog but I guess him being so close in age makes it worse.

I got made redundant, I wouldn't have minded rotting at the community centre although some of the staff were cunts. I made good friends and I hope we stay in touch.

I started a new job. It could have been everything I wanted but it was mis sold to me. I start another new job on the 2nd but not looking forward to it. I want to go back into charity work and that will be a goal for next year.

The horse has been amazing, the fun ride I did in May gave me so much more confidence to go out and pull up my brave pants with her.

The dog has had her moments this year. What with three vet bills and nearly dying. But she ran like a trooper at the flyball finals and has been my best mate and shoulder to cry on.

FWB - wow! Who'd have thought I'd be in that situation? Whatever it is, it's been fun.

So goals for 2019?

1. Get a job back in charity sector, ideally doing more suitable hours.
2. I want to travel more. I have plans for at least two other countries this year.
3. Carry in sorting my shit out money wise. This month of no money is not brilliant, but at least I know I have income coming in again soon.
4. Ideally resolve this situation with FWB, last year My goal was to not end 2018 single. Well I'm still single, but at least I'm getting regular sex and the attention I'm getting from the dating apps gives me a little confidence and self esteem.

And now it's time to tell 2018 to fuck off and hope 2019 is going to be fucking awesome!!

It's been a good week. Christmas passed reasonably well. I caught up with FWB day after Boxing Day and we took our dogs to Lullingstone.
I decided to give that online dating shit a go and joined up and have been messaging a few people. Hearts not really in it though.
I met up L and that was nice and then the day after I met up with a couple of the girls from Flyball. I told one of them about FWB. She warned me of all the things I know, he will bench me, don't get hurt etc. It was good hear what I know in my head rather than the dramatic "but he spent Xmas eve with you!!! It must mean something!!!" I got from one of my other friends.
Anyway. Yesterday I took one of his dogs out on a fucking long 13.6 mile walk and both my dog and I have had a duvet day today recovering! He has had quite a bad bout of flu. Burnt out I guess as he chases the money too much, so asked me to take his one as well so she could get out. I came back and he made me dinner and we watched the Man U game together which was nice and then I came home.
Spending tonight alone as always and riding tomorrow. Feel like taking dog on a long walk as I'm back to work on the second.
Will do another post summing up 2018 now

Ha! The Brat asked me last night when I was going out, as he's obviously more observant than I thought.
I didn't go out, wasn't invited. No probs, happy watching Olympia on the telly!
We met up today and did some agility and flyball practice with our dogs and he paid for my meal, all lovely you'd think until he confessed that he was kinda hoping I'd have forgotten our plan to meet! Offended!

Came home, a lovely couple of ladies I know from dog walking have clubbed together to get me a present. I'm not opening it! Not till tomorrow, just so I can have something to open!
Plan as always is that I will be alone, as always finding this time of year tough. Will go ride though, so that's something.
And meeting Lovely L later this week as he is down from Hull and out with some of the girls from flyball Friday night so very much looking forward to those nights.

Thank God. Sometimes you need to ignore female advice and go straight to the horses mouth and ask the boys.
So MV has also a fuck buddy, he treats her exactly the same, maybe not talking every day, but regularly and she stays over on occasion.
Well now I'm relieved that I can keep feelings under check and I know this is normal so I can stop wondering!

Went to a part time interview today, job I really wanted despite shit money. Thought it going well until I realised that they were working from an old cv that I'd uploaded several years previous! I went home and checked and I had uploaded the right one. Of course I didn't get the job because of this but at least it stops another internal dilemma!!

Dear God what is wrong with me?? I need to get my head in the game. Today FWB said that an ex had been messaging him. She's blonde, slim, far too into tanning.
He thinks she's hot. Personally I think the nutter one I met at agility is better looking.
I'm not jealous. I'm constantly preparing for the day this all comes crashing down and I can stop acting like a crazed 14 year old wondering what is going on.
Remember in Jane Eyre when she scolded herself for having fallen for Mr Rochester and she forced herself to draw herself warts and all and draw Blanche Ingram as she is. Guess modern day equivalent of that is Facebook!
Urgh. I'm pathetic. Starting to get the Xmas mopes which isn't helping my head.

Accepted that job, feel sick at the thought of it but need money. Am going for interview tomorrow to do supporter care in a charity which is what I really want but it's only 15 hours a week and I can't live on that.

Told mothership I was currently inbetween roles, she only cared that I posted TMWMITW's new bank card asap tomorrow. Double urgh.

Had a busy week applying for jobs, Xmas flyball meal and then Talk about a headfuck!!
So I went to FWB last night, and a good night was had, he treated me to pizza and raspberry vodka.
We watched independence day. He said he didn't care, whether I stayed or went and that he didn't care each time I came.
What to take from that?
Anyway he fell sleep leaning on me, I wasn't drunk but well aware I was a long way over the drink drive limit so sensibly put myself away to bed.

Had an interview today, easy enough job, knew it was mine when I left and it has been offered but I didn't like it. Didn't get good vibes. What to do???
Probably best to take and keep looking??
And what to do about FWB?? I need to get really drunk, I think as that's the only way I'll get the courage, and ask him outright!
Just don't want to risk losing what is a good deal!!

Boom!! And just like that, my life gets turned upside down again.
My boss gave me my review on Monday. He realised that there's not enough work for me to do office wise every day and that I'm not enjoying the practical side of it.
So my hours are cut to one day a week, and we're financially fucked again.
Got very despondent Monday, cried a bit and wished I'd never left the museum and tried to better myself.
Pulled myself together Tuesday, rode, redid my cv and cracked in. FWB bless him has sent my cv around and offered to pay me to walk his dogs rather than a dog walker twice a week.

Gonna go see the agency I got the forum gig with on Tuesday and hopefully they will get me something.
Met FWB's ex again this week, chatted with her a bit more. He said she lied about 40% of what she told me. Also learned she's apparently partial to a bit of coke which also added to their breakup and adds more reasoning behind his behaviour. Not that I'm making excuses for that.

Went down to Winchester for a comp and came back this morning. I'd already paid for 2 nights non refundable hotel or I'd have cancelled altogether to save my petrol money and tried to get the hotel fee back.
Still - ate for free one night in the harvester and we got a 2nd place so it was ok I guess!!
Supposed to be doing an office day tomorrow so we will see!

Literally spoken every day. Went over Saturday, was invited over today but yeah I chose to nap instead!
Stayed up till 1am talking Friday and then Saturday I had a meal with some of the dog walkers.
Not sure if one of them hit on me or just a compliment when he told me, if he wasn't married he'd make a play for me out of the blue.
Anyway. Met FWB's ex at agility. She's clearly not over it, left the class early to go talk to him. He messaged me to find out why I shot off, when normally I watch him do a run or two.
Apparently he dumped her as she was a compulsive liar.
Currently I'm listening to the on her voice that tells me I mean nothing to him and that I think is the sensible one to listen too!
Was pleased with Dog at both that and flyball, we have last comp of the year next week, a stay away one in Hampshire which should be fun.
Other news, think I've done all my Xmas shopping!! Unprecedented levels of organisation!

So he told me he wanted "alone time" so that's cool. Then the next message was asking me to come over but to know it would be a flying visit. I had nothing better to do so did.
He then repented of being rude and offered me a glass of wine before I left, I refused and literally took him straight upstairs, did what was needed and went straight home again.
I resolved not to bother him, after all I wouldn't talk to my friends every day as we have done so, the last week. And technically that's what we are.
He messaged me first yesterday and carried on until he declared he needed his "alone time". I didn't bother to reply saying bye or anything. I was in the bath, trying to read, you see and messing with a beeping phone and a book was clearly only going to lead to disaster.
Barely 15 minutes passed before he sent me a smilie. I just sent one back and cracked on with my evening.
Again left him to it. He's been beeping up my phone most of the evening, telling me he was going home early. Sending me videos of his Alexia programmed magic light bulbs and other inanities.
It's amusing more than exasperating. I feel like I'm too old for this nonsense and yet I know he'd throw a hissy fit if I tried to push for answers.
Tbh I don't know what the answer is, however this Charby is not the Charby who started blogging 15 odd years ago and it is water off of a ducks back.
I don't know if he likes me, but is now pushing back a little, if I'm reading too much into the nothing situation or what.
I'm live-blogging it as it amuses me and is a good diversion from a currently mundane little existence
 when I read this back in years to come, it will be fun to read.

Not too bad a week in terms of the trees. Did climb a 25ft scaffold to help decorate a large tree and spent most of the week doing that. Not much bloody fun in the icy cold i can tell you!!

I think that's all done now, in terms of me helping with trees. I get to spend Monday working from home and I have my fingers crossed that I can do the same on Tuesday!

I love working from home! I get so much done around the house and work wise as well. And if it means I can sneak off and go ride Tuesday that's even better!!!

Away from work it's been a casual old week, spoken to FWB pretty much every day, he asked me back over Monday but I was already in bed and again yesterday morning but I was just about to take Dog to Physio. Hoping there's still time to arrange a visit tonight - and yes I'm not gonna pretend - I'd like to stop over again although realistically, I don't think so!

Saw him anyway last night when we had a flyball night out bowling which was loads of fun! 

Spent today mostly having duvet day with Dog watching the Sri Lankan cricket team collapse and the football all day. Lovely, lazy Sunday! 

Very tired. Went to watch David Attenborough at FWB. We drank a bottle of vodka and as I was obviously in no fit state to drive the 25 minutes back down the A2, I stayed over. Good night and morning lol!
God I've forgotten what it's like to be held by someone and cuddle up to them. It was nice.
He made the point of how it was all casual and we're mates and I know and yet..... I can't work out if I'm reading too much into a situation that he has honestly and frankly kept me in the loop over.
He messages me out of the blue to ask my opinion on sofas, to tell me how excited he is at new slippers, people that know us comment on when we are going to give into the tension  between us (if only they knew although they all suspect it), he tries to get my attention at dog things by putting worms on me, or insulting me in the group chat, strangers ask often if we are together and- well one story doesn't prove anything but I don't think he is sleeping with anyone else at the moment.
He's a joker and a bit immature but kind although also hard-hearted so I have no doubts that he has it in him to just use me for sex, but when he calls me endearing names and ruffles my hair or shows up to things that he knows I'm at, I can't help but wonder who is really fooling who.

Anyway. Enough of that nonsense. We are keeping ourselves grounded and reminding ourselves of the rules of the game and I WILL not allow myself to fall for him and get hurt.

Been a week of Christmas tree installations at work. At one of the hotels they were a base camp for tennis players at the ATP finals. Saw Jamie Murray, Federer and Djokovic walk past.

Dog all better now although we infected another team dog so all had to pull out of the comp yesterday - as it happened it worked out well for me because of the above and dog and I had a really nice long walk around Shorne and surrounding countryside.

Urgh. I am very tired now. I want to go to bed

Did end up going to FWB not long after doing last week's update, hung out for a couple of hours too, lot nicer than the quick dash in and out its been the last few weeks.
He was trying to make me watch something called "50 first dates" and made a joke that I needed to go on that. Annoyed me and also I don't want him thinking I only have him (although that's true!) So made up a story on the spot about actually how I'd been out the night before on a date to watch fireworks.
Ha. Take that div.
He then told me how the previous night he'd had a girl over who had been a bit casual touchy feely and he'd kicked her out. Someone definitely had been over as I had nicked their fruity cider and I know he doesn't drink that stuff.
Read into that what you like, he's always been honest about other girls he's had over or slept with etc so I see no reason for him to lie about that but does that answer one of your questions a week back H2?
Wonder if I'll get another message later, he better not want me to go out and miss the start of the newest David Attenborough.
I went out last night to see Bohemian Rhapsody. I really enjoyed it, it seemed to have his mannerisms down perfectly. Kinda regret not being able to go to a Queen concert and wondering how shit the one with Adam Lambert would be.
Haven't been able to do to much with Dog this week as she came down with kennel cough which was disgusting! Dog flem everywhere and constant coughing. She's over the worst now fortunately but I'm still wary of her around other dogs as she's still got a bit of a cough. 100 quid that cost me for medicines! Bloody animal!

Also bought a henhouse as it seems the chicken is staying perminantly now.  Getting quite fond of the silly thing, it likes sitting on My lap getting cuddled and likes to try and get in the house.
Went to Bromley yesterday as couldn't take dog out and supposedly to shop for Xmas presents. Yeah. Ended up buying myself presents! Epic fail!!

Let's see what this week brings!

No sex this week. Sad times. Hardly heard from him actually. Poor sod is mega busy with work. At least I'm sure that's all it is. Either that or my little fling is over.

Oldies still here, still annoying with heating in 24/7 And eating all my food and not replacing like for like.
Funeral is tomorrow then they go again Tuesday.
Work - had a bit of a falling out with the girl who's van I sit in most days. She randomly as she does, decided to give me a day off. I hate this. I do feel bad about it. It's not like I work for a large faceless organisation where it doesn't matter.
And he literally lives a 5 min walk from me, so I am trapped indoors trying to find something to do and when I inevitably bump into him in the evening I then find myself lying.
Why can't I just do my scheduled 8.30-4 in the office and not get up at stupid o clock to sit in a van for several hours?
She didn't get it. Thinks she's doing me a favour. We silently agreed to disagree.

Dog ran well today. I'm limited now clocks changed as to how much I can exercise her so my goal is to try and keep her fitness at a 5.2/5.1 level  in July I'd have been over the moon with those times and hopefully after clocks change it will be easier to increase her fitness and try to break that 5 second barrier again.

Did a few jumps today riding. Slowly built up a little triple, with a bounce fence and a stride then jump. Rather untidy, but more practice and hopefully I can get a grid up of 4 bounce fences!

Poor cow died not long after posting last week. Gotta see if I can get the funeral off. I feel like I should attend.
The most shocking thing of all is that The Brat actually has thawed in his attitude towards TMWMITW and actually spoke to him! Twice! Is it too much to hope that from this they can start to build, if not a friendship but civility?

Busy week here as always, fitting in riding, work agility class. We have just come back from a flyball comp where I looked after FWB's dog as well and ran her. Both dogs got 2nd places.

Hmm. Also maybe some thawing there in his attitude? He messaged me stupidly early Saturday morning - as in before 7am stupid! - I'd said you see, that I would go and help set up for the comp and he then also volunteered his time.
I rode and then didnt see point of travelling 40 minutes home, to turn around and go again but also didn't wanna be there too long. So I asked him if he fancied a visitor and I hung out while he pottered about and moaned about work lol!
I did get paranoid later in the day that he hadn't wanted me there and if I'd been a bother but he said no so that's ok. It's so odd. I want to hang out with him like I do my other boys but at same time I fear his commitmentphobe brain going into overdrive.

Anyway I made a diversion there this morning. Ha. He left the door on the latch for me and I just wandered straight in and up to where he was still lazing in bed. Felt a bit like I was breaking and entering.

Anyway I'm sure I have more to blog about but I'm tired so I'm away to bed.

Very sad. The girl that is my stepsister is dying, there is a massive growth in her ovary and it's spread to other parts. Her kidneys shut down yesterday and now it's just a matter of time. I hope it's peaceful.

It really messed with my mind a bit, same as when lolly went with the stroke. How can you be walking about one day and then life destroyed the next?

The girl has a horse. TMWMITW wants me to have it. I cannot afford it. I might not be suitable for it. I might not have the time for it. Trying to remain strong and not let my inner 12 year old that still dreams of a pony in the garden at Christmas to start whispering in my ear.

A reasonable week at work, Wednesday was good. I finished about 3 and same Thursday. I got a sneaky day off Friday which is good as I drove the Mothership over to Slough to the hospital - supposedly a 3 hour round trip. Took me 7. Yay for the m25.

Agility was good with the dog, bit more focussed this week. Went away quite pleased.

Busy day yesterday with walks for the dog plus her hydrotherapy appointment and then I shot off to see One Night Stand Guy.

Hoping for an easy week next week. I have Monday off and a sneaky Tuesday, I need to sort out a card for the old lady at flyball who looks after me lol and then I have drinks with the girls where I used to work on Friday (hoping for a sneaky early finish!) And then cakes to make and a flyball comp Sunday. Am running One Night Stand Guys dog as well as my own.

I should adopt a new nickname for One Night Stand Guy as it's starting to turn into a regular thing. Perhaps FWB (Friend With Benefit)?

Managed three(!!) Days in the office this week!
The beagle and lurcher came to stay on Wednesday and are going home tomorrow.

Was meant to go to One Night Stand Guys place Thursday but time got in the way. Whizzed round this morning! Think he was either offended/amused that I then shot off again without saying goodbye! In my defence he was on the phone and I had to get back for flyball training!

Agility training was frustrating. Hero is very distracted by the surface for some reason, although it's a riding arena and nothing there should be new to her!! She also got worried about doing the seesaw!

The girl I guess is now my stepsister collapsed on Thursday. Turns out she has a large tumour in her ovaries and it's spread. Doesnt sound good TMWMITW flew back Saturday and I'm awaiting a summons anyday from the mothership to collect her as well!!

Let's see what Monday brings for us all!!

Another week where I just spend Monday in the office and the rest of the week tootling in the van. I am not a fan of these early get ups at all.
I've decided that I'm giving myself till end of Jan If I'm not in the office fully by then I'm looking elsewhere. Originally it was going to be Xmas but then I realised it was gonna be mega busy with Xmas trees and shit so deffo not in office by then!!

Although it was made a little better this week as despite a Friday start of 6am I was back at home by 9.30. So I napped, walked dog and then had a gorgeous ride in the woods in the sunshine.

Dog did well at both agility and flyball and went for a water therapy session to help fitness and act as a physio session for muscles.

This morning I had a request to go to One Night Stand Guys place and I did so. We slept together but it was a bit different to before and that's all I'm saying on the matter!!

Getting ready for another week at work now. Hey ho.

Starting to get a bit annoyed with just sitting in the van helping with maintainence. Especially with London traffic making it so I am late home for the dog.

Still I have tomorrow in the office and maybe Tuesday as well although I think I will probably end up on the road again after that for the week. I dont really get how I am supposed to learn how to do the office stuff if I am only there every so often?! I mean I've been at the job 5 weeks now and only spent a total of 3 days so far in there?

Anyway it's fine. Better than being unemployed!

One Night Stand Guy messaged me and we met up with his dog for agility - annoyingly she was better than mine and has already been promoted to another class.

Mine is also running shit and slow again which makes me sad but what can you do? I'm doing my best to work on her fitness but hard when at work all the time!

Went out last night as it would have been L's birthday. Much drinks. Came home at 4.30 and then went up early for dog and horses. Struggled this morning haha!

I dunno. A guy started chatting to me, was a bit too keen, too young, had a kid, I wasn't interested in him. In the club later another guy - one of my good friends J, I guess we are a bit flirty together when drunk, its never been anything though other than playing but last night.... I felt he was trying to move on past that. You know you kinda get that 6th sense that the situation has changed?
Maybe cos he was so drunk and I was the only single female (who was also straight!) there. Not interested in him.
I don't even know what's wrong with me. I can't get with any of my friends as I know them too well, chatting to strangers fills me with alarm as I can't cope with not knowing the situation.
So am I still in love with Welshy? I don't even know. I can go odd days now without thinking about him.
Am I in love with One Night Stand Guy? No. Attracted to him yes, do I want a relationship with him? No. He's in a unique category of being another one of my male friends, but one of the ones I don't mind doing stuff with where as I can't even picture it with any of the others.
I need help lol!!

Another hardcore week out and about doing things! Watering, deadheading, sweeping, fiddling.
Got to finish at half 11 though on Friday, pretty goddam pleased about that!
Did the horse early which is always good. Dog started agility class, just learning jumps and the introduction of weaving poles, jumps she obviously found easy although I need to get her to realise that its not about doing thing a million miles an hour like flyball!
Went to a same-sex wedding last night - lots of free wine, dancing and fun. Mild wine headache this morning which took a long time to wear away!

Still no sign of my tortoise in the garden and im starting to really worry that i've lost the bugger for good.

He wanted me to come over Monday night, I refused. I'm not at his beck and call and Gravesend is a long way away, I was busy. I've been fairly busy all week, riding, had my redundancy party from the old place, been on site visits again all this week, started agility lessons with the dog.
I don't want to drag her along with me, she's a pain as much as I love her. So I said how about this weekend. I refuse to bring it up with him though and say how about me coming over. I will not beg for it.
I got Friday off - yay! - Did the horse early, went up to London and did the latest exhibit at the NHM and then over to Foyles and bought a couple of books, I took back a couple of bottles of wine from the party and have chilled out reading and drinking.
I've tidied the garden and filled up two more wheely bins - lady next door still moaning about the state of the garden which depressed me a bit.
4 in the space of a fortnight is pretty good going in my book especially when you consider everything else going on!

Not a lot else to report this week. Lets see what next week brings.