The Funeral was Monday - I watched the service at Westminster and then met E2.0 with the dogs at Lullingstone. Amazing the ceremony and how it all worked out, I didn't think it right to televise any more than that. She might have been a Queen but she was still human and her poor family must have been through more than enough and deserved some privacy.
I caught highlights of the Windsor, of course I did because how could you not? Emma her Fell, the corgis, the putting away of the jewels, the piper and breaking of the rod. All so poignant and a couple of times I did have a wobbly bottom lip.

Once again I find myself thinking of the Charby from nearly twenty years ago, sitting in her university bedroom and starting to idly overshare her thoughts on this and how I fantasised about how one day this might be like Pepys diary.

Except as times and I have changed, I no longer keep this up to the same level I did back then - and some of those posts make me cringe! But here I am, making occasional posts about pandemics and wars and lockdowns and twittering random updates about my life - when now I have social media to overshare on.

But this is a diversion. The Queen is dead. I've never understood people who grieve for celebrities and people they've never met. Why? I'm not a huge Royal supporter, apart from admiring her work ethic and sense of duty and love of animals and appreciating the big draw they are for tourists and bringing money into the country.
Never watched any of the Royal Weddings. Openly mocked those who went OTT for Diana's death. 

But last night, today. I understood. Our internet had failed so we were sent home from work early so it wasn't until I got in at half three and saw that the Royal Family had been summoned to Balmoral, that I started to fear the worst. 
I hope that they got the chance to say goodbye. I hope it was a peaceful passing. I'm glad she was in Balmoral, which by all accounts was her favourite place. I am glad she worked to the end as she hoped - meeting the new Prime Minister just a few days earlier, but I also hope and wish that she had some down time in the last couple of days. That she pottered around the garden with a corgi, that she fed her favourite pony a last apple and smelled horses, oats and leather one last time.

I think of how dignified she was at Philip's funeral when my heart broke for her, I think to how she performed with James Bond at the Olympics - my favourite bit of the opening ceremony. The Paddington Bear sketch when I couldn't believe she would join in with such silliness. I think about how she had State Opening of Parliament and Windsor Horse show on consecutive days this summer and how she skipped the Opening and went to play ponies instead, like a naughty schoolgirl.  

I've welled up a few times. Princess Diana didn't affect me, Prince Philip or any celebrity made me feel anything other than a passing "oh that's sad... [pause] anyway....." type thought.

And its the silly things as well - she won't be on a stamp - she won't be on a coin. God save the King sounds strange to the ears.

May you live in interesting times indeed.

God Save The Queen. Long live the King  

 Practically September!!! 

I am now 39! 39! Which means this blog has been recording my life off and on for nearly TWENTY years! TWENTY!!!
Its like the longest relationship I've ever had!

So an update is completely overdue, especially as it was May the last time I wrote anything. Mrs Collie has settled into flyball competing life - she will have been with me three years next week.

Mrs Spaniel is amazing as she always is, a bit grey in the muzzle now and starting to stiffen up, but she's still game for most adventures!

In July I got the all clear from Physio. I think about riding again, but petrol, which hit a scary 1.91 a few weeks back is still 1.71 and when it was 1.15 I was putting 40 quid in every nine days so in all honesty I don't think I can afford the petrol to take it back up. I am also quite liking the not rushing around everywhere every night.

Work lets us stay at home two days a week, sometimes I'm really busy. Others, I've finished what I need to do by 10.30 and then dick about online for the rest of the day. I hated the job at the H&S company for the lack of work, but it helps here that i'm either at home or sat alone so no one can tell what I'm doing.

I'm still tapping away at the debts. In March I owed 10.6k in various loans and credit cards. I'm now down to 8.5k just on credit cards. I'd love, love to get it down to at least 7k by Christmas. We will see. I've cancelled two cards completely and alright I can only afford minimum repayments but at least having cancelled the cards I don't have the temptation to spend them.

 I'm living on a 50 pound a week budget - some people wonder how I do on so little - but I used to have less than that a month!

CL is in London this weekend with her kids, I'll be catching up with them at the SkyGarden on Sunday.

And the final update is that I've started seeing someone. He has the same first and middle name as Welshy, so I think for Blog Purposes I'll christen him E2.0 - which is actually what he is saved in my phone as!

He messaged me off of an online dating site. I replied as I was bored, its expanded. He's sweet, kind and shy although its not been a full two months yet - so I guess he's on his best behaviour!

The sex is up and down - He's amazing at the foreplay stuff, not so brilliant at the other bit but its more than made up for beforehand.

He works for the NHS and is two years older than me. He has his own house close to me and unlike me has clearly had his head screwed on and ticked every box as he got his degree paid for, worked through it, works for same NHS Trust forever and has bought his home.

For my birthday he bought us speedboat tickets to ride up and down the Thames - so much fun! And took me out for a meal and many drinks.

Another reason why I'm dithering on the side of taking up horses again. Obedience, agility and flyball take up so much time and I'm quite conscious that he's never had a pet and I need to rush off in the mornings to walk and feed these, or leave early from nights out because of competing this morning. At the moment it's not an issue and they will always come first but its a balancing act! Think it would be easier if I had real kids as that's a bit more socially acceptable!

But at the moment I'm trying to just look on this as fun and see what happens, its not a FWB situation and organically growing into something else maybe? 

 

 And now its May and still the brave people in Ukraine fight on. I did a collection of items to send over to them, I still have some of it tbh that I need to sort out where to send on to.

I am now loan free! This is the first time, I think since Welshy left which is now what? Six years ago? I am still in lots of credit card debit, but I'm hoping by September I'd have paid one of those off and can go from there.

Life continues to be exhausting... Following on from the car electrics issue at the start of Feb/March. I then somehow managed to explode a tire doing the Dartford Crossing (2 miles of sheer tunnel hell) before I managed to get to a place to pull over. 

I had nowhere to go except sit in the car with Mrs Collie, ringing the police in a flap meant that they would be about 40 minutes away. Same with the RAC. Just about to resign myself to death and tears when a lovely man from Halfords pulled over on the way home from work, put the spare tire on and I was able to then do the crossing to get home.

Turned out I had nails in the other tire on that same side so that was a very expensive trip out to nowhere.

I had to give up ShareMare, the petrol was getting unaffordable, its nice though to not have to be rushing around everywhere after work and having a couple of days at home just chilling.

Mrs Collie has now attended two flyball comps and been a really good girl in both. No chase incidents and only baby mistakes. I'm still holding my breath that it might not work out at the next comp this weekend but who knows?

Mrs Spaniel is obviously awesome as ever. Both have an agility competition lined up for next weekend. This will be Mrs Spaniel's last year of agility. Somehow she is now 8, and I owe it to her not to hammer her around things. She loves her flyball more so she will be happy with that.

I have Covid! Or at least I did. I had both jabs and the booster and yet I was still really grotty. I think it was during that week, I got casual about wearing my mask on the train. Its back to pre-covid levels of busy and very few mask wearers, so when it slipped out my bag, I just didn't bother replacing it.

Compared to some people I've got off lightly. The first few days I was a wreck, coughing lots of shit up from my lungs, a sandpaper throat and an endlessly streaming nose and Christ the tiredness was/IS something else!

On day 3 when I felt well enough to get out of bed and wash my bedding, I then needed a four hour nap to recover! I'm still getting tired very quickly and still coughing, although now it's more of a dry, tickly cough. Waiting to see if work want me in tomorrow/Thursday or if they want me to carry on WFH on our next two office days. 

I'm not going to complain obviously if they say to stay home!!! 

 Seems weird to give an update about normal things when there's all this shit kicking off in Ukraine. But let's quickly recap.

My leg is getting better on its own, or at least I thought so until I did a bit too much walking on Wednesday and then had to get the tube into work on Thursday and the jolting did it no good whatsoever! Due to the pandemic I've still not been able to see anyone face to face. They gave me codeine. Very disappointed in that. No effect whatsoever. It deteriorated to the point where I went upstairs on four legs. Constant nagging ache underneath my left butt cheek. Feeling every so often like my leg was getting caught in the socket. Not pleasant.

They decided I broke my hip. I got Xrays. I hadn't broken my hip. Nearly 2 months after my first call to the GP I'm finally getting a physio Zoom call on Monday.

I got a refund from one of the payday loan companies! Four hundred pounds! But before we get too excited, because this is me and I have the worst luck, the car decided to break down. Took it to a garage. Useless garage. Ended up paying 300 for work that wasn't needed.

Took it for a second opinion. Now I need to get it refunded and pay out 180 for the real repair work. SUCH A PAIN. Four hundred pounds would have paid off one of the three loans I have left. April. April if all goes well will be my last loan payment. So much for when it was nearly due to be paid off in January! URGH.

Anyway. I guess all this pales in comparison to what's going on elsewhere. I don't even know what to make of it all. Impossible to imagine being in this situation like the Ukrainians. Tweets going out, telling people how to make Molotov cocktails in their homes. People sheltering in tube stations with pets in pet carriers. I saw a video of a man saying goodbye to his little daughter and wife. Brings tears to your eyes.

I get why we can't be involved yet, but its such a tragedy and then the talk of it starting the next World War. The talk of how Russia has nukes. Its such a horrible slippery slope. And the brave people in Russia who are protesting against it and being arrested and God knows what happening to them.

When I was still young and naïve, I imagined how fun it would be to have a blog documenting something interesting - like Pepys and the Plague years. The truth is definitely how I imagined, all those years ago sat in my uni bedroom in Derby! 

 What to say? In December we were sent home again fulltime. I fell off of Sharemare trying to jump. I've bruised ribs, shoulder and back. When that healed my leg has decided to stop working in sympathy as i've been over compensating. 

Deeply regret 4 year old Charby being plonked on a pony and enjoying it..!

Christmas was Christmas. Spent most of it trying to rest various injuries and eating my own bodyweight in matchmakers. Alone again, although I met a friend for an afternoon walk which was nice.

The Deathday and birthday anniversaries have passed. 

What to sum up last year? It was a trying one in many ways, but also better than 2020. I need some form of human company and everything was so much more bearable with my "after-school" activities back on. 

The dogs have blossomed during my time at home. I'm not exhausted anymore. Still very lonely though. 

I still struggle with the idea of letting this die. I overshare on Facebook now rather than here. But its comforting to know it exists. 

 And now we are back down to one day a week in the office. I like this, two I think would be ideal though. 

Mrs Collie attended her second starter comp and ran well helping her team to another 1st place. She has another one weekend after this. I have entered her into an obedience competition (HAHAHA!)

If only we could get over the chasing! I really want her out running properly in time for the outdoor season next year.

The Mothership is coming into land tomorrow for 10 days. I wish I was more pleased about her visit. The Brat is posibly ill with covid - 1 positive test but two either side of that negative? 

He is leaving for the Lakes for the 10 days she will be here. So tired of being in the middle of them all.

Money is tight as it always is, but come January I will be rid of the loans and be in a better position than I am now. Just gotta struggle on through!

I'm in a better mental place than this time last year where I was lonely and spiralling and struggling. I might feel differently once winter really kicks in but for now we will appreciate life as it is. 

 We have now been back in the office two weeks. I hate it. Back to 16 hours work days, struggling to find time to eat after work. The trains are super busy as well - pre-covid levels. I'm not that keen on being crushed in at best of times, let alone with it still floating about! I mask and gel where I can.

 I like the job and I like the people but its time to find something else, something that offers more in the way of remote working or is closer to home to cut down on that two wasted hours commuting each day.

Mrs Collie has done fab lately. She made a debut in flyball last weekend, coming away with a hattrick of rosettes, 1st, 2nd, 3rd. Agility debut next week and then off to be spayed.

We are battling a flea infestation indoors. They just dont seem to be going, no matter how much I wash the bedding, treat the dogs, hoover. I think its where the weather has just been awful this year! 

Wet and warm and my attempts last year at tackling the garden have proved to be fruitless.

I lost the last of my birds recently, when I had the hen it bought rats into the garden and they hunted and killed them. I got my first cockatiel to celebrate my 11th birthday and have had them ever since. 26 years of birdkeeping!

 If someone ten years ago said that this blog and I would be around in the middle of a pandemic and England in the final of a proper competition. I think I would have pissed myself laughing, not sure what was the most unbelievable! But its happening!

Flyball is back tomorrow! And then the final this Sunday. 11 more days before I go back to the office. 

 Well the supposed back to work date is now July. I went to see TP last weekend which was lovely, we went to Bakewell, Chatsworth House and Hardwick Hall. So good to get away from work which has been manic and horrible.

My role is coming to an end and i'm being pushed into something else a bit more basic and lower pay but we will see how we go and keep eyes and ears open for another job if needed.

The collie has finally come into season I originally booked her into be spayed for August but now am thinking of having it done in September as gives me that little bit longer to save up for it.

Less than two weeks now until we go to our first flyball comp, hopes are not high as was a disastrous training session yesterday but with one more to go who knows and will be so so good to be out and about again!

Share Mare still off work with laminitis and I have been to the pub for the first time since possibly Dec 2019 to watch the England games!

I had my other jab last Thursday so that's good although again I had groggy side effects from it. 

 Another month has passed in the land of the lockdown. Restrictions are loosening again, so I took the dogs down to Devon for a training week. It was full of drama, Cocoa got loose, I backed into a van. Cocoa got caught in electric fencing. I met CL and UDOBF! How fucking long ago was it that we lived together? Madness!

Flyball training has restarted. Hero is fab as ever, Cocoa is slowly getting her head around it. Share Mare has laminitis and is on box rest.

I had my jab yesterday! Pfizer. I was/am sceptical about how quickly it got pushed through and passed for the public but I always said I'd have it when my time came but I was in no rush to push it forward. Let everyone find the blood clots and side effects first. I feel ok this morning, a bit tired and headachey, kinda like a super mild hangover and my arm is sore around the injection site, like i've been punched but Brat was out cold for 3 days with the AZ vaccine so i'm doing well so far!

Work is so full on with lots and lots of training. We have a back to work date of 22nd June, but two days a week working from home, I am disappointed it cant be more. But its still a lot better than all 5 days in the office. I'm hoping that when I do the early starts for the training I can work from home those days too.

I will be going to see The Twins in June and flyball comps start back in July. I need to start sorting out agility classes for the pair. Is this another false dawn for the end of the pandemic? With the Indian strain and the utter uselessness of the Government I'd not put it past them! 

 So fed up - April showers seem to be April snow showers! Cold, more like Jan than April! I'm feeling guilty. I woke the tortoise up, put him in the garden as I was tricked by the two nice days we had had where it was 20 degrees, now its snowing -2 at night and can I find the fucker to bring him into the warm?

Hopefully he's dug a wee hole somewhere to shelter in.

Pandemic life continues. I did a 6 week, 4 day stint of not talking to anyone who wasn't on Zoom!

Then over Easter I met a friend for flyball training and then E on the Monday. 

The most exciting thing so far to happen to me this year was nearly getting stopped for shoplifting. I got beeped when leaving the store and I didn't get a receipt from the self serve machine and then while talking to them, the mars bar I put in my hoody pocket to eat on way home fell out and I got marched to customer services to have everything re-scanned and then had to open up my bank app to check it matched with what I paid for!

Haha! So much paranoia in case I hadn't paid for something properly! 

Still waiting for restrictions to ease. I've rather foolishly booked a training holiday for a week for the dogs at the start of May. Work say we're at home now until 21st June and then flexible working, with us in the office Tues/Weds/Thurs. Not sure how that would work for me. I have international training that starts at 7.30 BST and the office doesn't open until 9.... 

Hoping I can get them to agree that I can stay at home on the training days! We will see. 

 Oooh Controversial post on Facebook led me to getting a ban for 48 hours and caused an uproar!

So Major Tom died, very sad etc. But I posted questioning why in the middle of a pandemic that preys on elderly people did a 100 year old man think it would be ok to go a 14 hour round trip to Barbados?

He did all that fund raising for the NHS, (i'm sceptical about whether that money actually went where it was supposed to or if it was diverted to the fancy big billboards they put up to get us all to stay home, but you know, probably best not to question!) 

Anyway point is, this has been going on for just short of a year. He's done all that work, everyone knows you stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives. 

Its not like he was going to Tesco's for his weekly shop! He went to frigging Barbados! Not really essential was it? 

But anyway daring to question that led to uproar and a Facebook ban and snide secret messages from people who don't have the balls to discuss it directly. 

HE's A WAR HERO! You can't say things like that. (eye roll emoji) Not really sure what his war work has to do with this. 

Princess Diana all over again and i'm getting convinced i'm actually living in Nineteen Eighty-Nine! 

 New years eve!!

Some ways this year has flown by! Some ways it's been a hellish drag.

The old couple I mentioned in my last post? The lady died. I'm so gutted about it, they were like surrogate grandparents, exhausting but fun and very, very generous. 

My covid test came back clear only now my car is fucked. Battery/alternator. Who knows?

Cant afford to not have it. Cant afford to fix it. Nagging away is the thought of needing to fix the roof and the electrical issue as well....

My other, one surviving grandparent died. Dads mum. Haven't spoken to them since the funeral. Wish I felt bad about it, I dont. I'm sadder about my friends.

Normally I write a sum up of the past year but it's been such a nothing year! Everything on hold.

Should I write goals for next year? In all honesty I can see me being at home until next Easter at least. Cant see there being many dog comps or training sessions.

So I wont. Lets all tell 2020 to fuck off and bring on 2021 and keep fingers crossed for a better one! 

 And Boom! Just like that its Christmas. We're now in tier 4. so kinda proper lockdown. I'm self isolating, the old couple at flyball who have adopted me, invited me into their house when I went over on Tuesday to drop off xmas presents. So I figuring, afterall I'm very low risk enter the house, breaking the rules for the second time since March. Only once I got inside, she's coughing and they're telling me that their son is upstairs after having been hospitalised with the covid!

Gee thanks. My few days of freedom and chances to get out of this house and do long dog walks and rides and its stolen for me, for 4 days at least until I get a test on Tuesday.

Sigh.

So even though Christmas is shit anyway, its been even shitter as i'm stuck indoors! Last week as well, all the electrics went again. While i'm up a ladder trying to sort it I realise the kitchen roof is leaking.

I rang the Mother thinking she would have ideas but got abuse that its my fault for not looking after the house and then tears about how rubbish her life is.

Hello?! I'm stuck with the Brother who is incapable of flushing the toilet and has currently parked a pissy mattress in the hallway, making it impossible to hoover or tidy properly for the last two weeks. 

I made a brie and bacon mac and cheese but as I didnt have the right ingredients thanks to the needing to confine myself to the house, its rather dry. Edible but dry.

We had our staff virtual xmas party, which was almost fun and almost like leaving the house! Getting ready, putting some jewellery on etc! Like anyone on zoom would notice!

Anyway, here we are. I'll blog again soon, if not before my traditional end of year fuck off post. 

 Ok - let me fill you in on my weekend. As previously mentioned BB appeared mid August and we got heavily flirty, dodgy videos got sent. We made plans to meet up. Do what has been hanging over us 18 years ago. 

(18!!!! Can you believe i've been dicking about with this that long? That means possibly next year is my 20th Blog-versary? Jesus I'm getting old.....)

Lockdown happened and that did nothing to help my already fragile mental state as referred too in the other post. I had been looking forward to it very much.

Fuck it. I decided I had the day off. I'll break lockdown. Drive 143 miles one way to see him. You're allowed with the new rules to see one other person. Single people are allowed to do so... Support Bubbles and all that shit. Yes I was taking it to extreme as i'm sure they mean just visiting people down the road and you're not allowed in their houses. But I needed so, so desperately to get out of this house, to have human contact. The sex I'd been promised, that he'd built up in my head.

So I did. I went to see him. And as my life goes, it never lived up to expectations. Oh I was very careful. I don't obviously leave the house much, apart from riding and the park and I only touch my things there. I didn't go to the supermarket or shops at all in the week leading up to it. 

I had to stop at services halfway through to use the loo, I washed my hands before leaving the car, I only opened the doors using elbows etc, once through the door, I washed them again. I washed them before using the loo, after, before touching the pads when ordering a cheeky macdonalds, (my first since Feb!) once they gave me the food. before leaving services, when eating in my car. I wore my mask. I was as careful and confident as I can be that I took all precautions.

I got to his late, and we hung out in his hot tub, catching up, and yeah, things started to go the way we planned.

He remembers, bless him, how worried and naïve about it all I was, tried to reassure me, although I don't need it any more.... Things were moving on.... His cat got into a fight or something outside and he went to rescue it.... Stopped the mood a bit. Came back and I tried to instigate things again but yeah, it was dead.

We went to bed and things got moving again... but he wasn't fully ready (trying very hard not to be too crude here!!!) He told me he had too much to drink while waiting for me. We cuddled and went to sleep.

Oh God! It was so nice just to be held and kissed and to feel wanted. I didn't need to hold back, not like with FWB. Didn't need to keep my guard up, make sure that I didn't fall. We slipped back into how it was before. Even just cuddling in the morning and during the day, nothing sexual. Just felt wanted for the first time in ages, how much I missed human contact.

His cat kept getting in the way. That bloody animal knew exactly what he was doing. It was funny, and even funny in the morning when we tried again and failed.

We sat and watched TV and in the afternoon I tried to start things up again and we went back upstairs.

"I'm sorry.... I can't... I've not been able to for ages."

I was drunk. I rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up and cried. Just like being in my early 20's again and crying on his shoulder because I was so scared of the future. So sure it was my fault, that he was making excuses for me, that I was broken. That he regretted me being here. That trying to live up to an 18 year old fantasy was so bloody stupid.

He asked me if I was allergic to the cat.

Sunday morning and I didn't have the heart to try again. I just got up, counted down the minutes until I could bolt for freedom, having made plans to go see H2 before driving home.

 I apologised when I got home. He tells me its not my fault. That I did nothing wrong, but I find it so hard to believe. I know its a man thing and pride when it doesn't work but I thought he knew me better than that. That he must have slept with other girls, he hasn't been in a long term relationship for 8 years but he'd had other girls. He must have. 

And I'm so goddamn frustrated that I broke all the rules, went under false pretences and here I am again.

It was a one off. He is too far for it to be a regular thing and to try again, even if I was ready to be humiliated again. I was struggling to get away even before, too many commitments. He's sweet and kind but ever so slightly racist and transphobic and I can't be doing with that shit. 

It was nice to get away, to kinda feel wanted, to spend 24 hours staring at a screen in a completely different environment. To catch up with an old friend, to see H2, even if only briefly as I had to get back to the yard for the horse by 3. 

So here we are again. Slightly refreshed by my weekend away, slightly still mentally broken and adding this trauma onto my list of mental woes. And I've been writing this since 9. Its time I started work.....

 I've struggled. Really struggled mentally with this whole thing. It was ok in the Summer as I could take dogs for long walks after work and ride.

I still work from home, which is brilliant for the dogs, for my being able to save some money, less stress but its hard. God its hard being in this house all day. 

They let us have "bubbles" and I struggled with that. No one would want to be in my bubble, no point asking. I asked people if they wanted to meet up, go for walks, go for a drink. People wanted to be with other friends, see family, I am low on their list. It's fine, I accept that.

Things loosened up a bit, we could start flyball, agility, obedience training. It was the only time I spoke face to face with people. 

Then it got taken away again, the nights are dark when I finish work. I take them out at lunch as well as the morning to get some sunshine.

My work began to suffer, I had an amazingly humiliating meeting about it. I hit rock bottom financially and have cut down my riding days which also lost me some of my routine and safety net. 

People talk about how lonely they are and I think, well this is nothing unusual for me. I can't be bothered to go drag the entry up but two years ago I made a post about walking around Asda just to be around people and repeating to myself that I was not lonely, I was not lonely.

I'd be ok with being on my own if I could just carry on with my activities and I realise just how much my life revolves around the animals, how much I rely on them for my sanity and how much worse I'd be if I didn't have them.

They talk about how they hope for a normal Christmas and I think, well my Christmases are on my own anyway, so that's normal and anyway now I know for definite people only invite me out of pity.

Mum only gets in touch when she needs something from me. One of my boys that I go to football with, hit rock bottom. I was scared he was going to do something silly. I reached out to him. Told him of my own struggles, tried to make him realise he's not on his own. Nothing. 

People only seem to reach out to me when they need something from me and because i'm so desperately lonely I run to help them, to give me meaning in my own life.

E & P's Dad died - not of the Covid, the funeral is next week. i'm going to be off  for it. I suppose I should be glad I'm invited as they're limited to 30 people? 

 See! I havent blogged in so long that it's all changed when I go to log in!

I'm back working. From home for now. I have been home for nearly 6 months, over 146 days. 

Originally it was going to be 4 weeks! OK, hard to stay motivated and everything takes a hell of a lot longer. But so, so many positives.

No 2 hour commute. No spending 160+ a month on said commute. So much better for quality of life for me and the pups as they can have lunch time walks/training.

No news on when we go back to the office. Start of each month I pray for one more month.

But life is slowly returning to the before times. I'm back at dog school. I'm doing 1-2-1 agility and flyball classes. I have two agility comps coming up. No flyball till November at earliest but I can see it not happening until perhaps next Easter when we can venture outside. I'd rather do the training. Its better for Miss Collie, who has now been with me a whole year!

Some days I think she's improving. Some days I still despair of her. I spend a long time training her each day - I have the time now!

We move Share Mare to a new yard and have spent time hacking and exploring. We did two in yard clear round jumping rounds in July and today. We did well and today I remembered to breathe and enjoy myself.

I met up with my work colleagues and CEO for a casual dinner on Friday, first time I've been out, out since- well March - if not longer. 

Again my life hasn't really changed, still busy with the animals, just no competitions. 

BB has suddenly reappeared in my facebook. Looking back now, I am grateful to him. He taught me a lot, was very patient and in these "MeToo" days I realise how easy it would have been for him to put the pressure on me and I would have caved to something I wasn't ready for. But yet each time when he begged me to let him put a condom on, and I froze. He accepted it. Dealt with it and we moved on.

I am grateful too for when all that ended and I would just go to his place drunk and upset and needing comfort and him holding me while we slept.

We have been heavily flirty via fb messenger. If I didnt have the animals, perhaps I would go there and we'd get stuff out our systems. But I do and he couldn't stay here and I couldn't disappear every so often to walk and feed them.

I love them but they are a bind!

Mother came back for a visit on my birthday and exhausted me. It was a stupidly hot week which makes me ratty anyway. She didn't wear a mask while flying or travelling the two hours and two different trains till I got her. She refused to self isolate. We argued. Her friends called me The Gestapo.

I was glad she went and yet feel guilty that I'm not nicer to her. I dont see her often and I should be more patient but every time it just drags up the resentment I have. 

She spent the inheritance that was given to her. 100k within 4 years. She lent me money which I'm paying back. I got a new laptop from it. A not very good one in all honesty.

I have been home for over 146 days. Nearly 6 months. I wonder when it will end and cross my fingers that I can somehow stay at home even if its just one or two days a week.

So the world is still a bit insane. Lockdown got extended but people were ignoring it near me. Groups of 10/20 people I'd see meeting up. Then hugging and kissing each other goodbye.
I've been taken back off furlough and am now working from home. Possibly until "September'-ish". Tbh I think I'm off furlough a bit soon. No one has money for training and waiting to see.
I feel like the Government are trying Herd Immunity though the backdoor. Apart from occasional bumping into people at the yard, I've met one friend since March. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. On one hand apart from my afterwork activities nothing in my life changed during real lockdown and this half hearted attempt we have now so you cant miss what you dont have. On the other hand it reminds me that I am actually quite lonely and miss having a partner.
FWB has popped up. Split with his gf due to the virus. We had a clear the air talk about how unhappy I was with his actions. He doesn't think there was anything wrong in what he did. I'll wait and see if he makes any more move apart from that although I think for him that ship has sailed. I'd like to think the same but if he messaged I dont know what I'd do tbh. It's nice to feel wanted even if you know deep down you're not wanted and nice to have a real face to talk to rather than a screen.
The collie has been a real bit of work during this and I'm starting to see light at end of tunnel although it might all go backwards and depress me should flyball/obedience start again.
We're moving the horse. Further out but hopefully a nicer place. I have a friend possibly coming around next weekend for a socially distanced catch up in the garden although I'm trying not to get excited about it as she is a bit flaky.
The only good thing I can truly report on is that at least my funds last the whole month on furlough wages and I'm hoping this month's full wage means I may not need to use the money that I use to pay off my credit cards this month and actually be able to reduce some of the debt. Signed a petition for basic universal income while this is going on. Again I have no faith in it but it would make a difference should it did happen.
Life goes on pretty much as normal for me despite a pandemic......

When I was young and naive about the world and new to blogging, I fantasised about this being a record that would be used in history books in the future. A kinda electronic version of Pepys diaries.
Here we are in the middle of Crazy and I've not mentioned anything. We got sent home the day after my last blog.
I work in the training department and of course there is no training. I worked sluggishly from home for a week, helping other departments and then lockdown came and I was furloughed. We are now awaiting news of how long it will be extended for. At least another three weeks, I think. This'll be announced later this week.
I have been furloughed for three weeks, and it'll be a full 2 weeks tomorrow. So a month at home.
I'm coping quite well I think. I've set lots of weekly tasks, Monday is baking day. Tuesday cleaning bathroom day etc. I have also made a flyball lane, spend an hour each day doing that with the dogs, plus some trick training. I signed them up to do sniffer dog training online. The collie clicked it, poor old Hero has not. She had her 6th birthday! I am naughty and walk them twice. My argument is that I dont see anyone in the mornings, most people seem to be keeping their curtains closed until 9 or 10 and we are home by then. I walk them in the woods in the afternoon, or some mornings we go to the yard to do the horse. I'm working on trying to desensitise the collie to chasing things - mostly the horse and hero flyball training to little success.
I practice my Spanish daily on duolingo and I've tried to watch TV, stranger things, parks and recreation, Brooklyn nine nine. But they're all a bit meh. Normally I dont watch TV during the week. Now I just have sky sports news on, on its constant loop reporting on how various leagues plan on finishing. How sporting celebrities are dealing with this.
I did some volunteering for people I know and people I dont.
I'm not bored although I'm frustrated at not being able to get out and about as normal and the queues in supermarkets fill me with irrational rage with the idiots and their pointless face masks that they're not even wearing properly, the panic buying seems to have calmed now they are restricting people's purchases.
I dont believe Boris is doing a fab job despite the way people suck up to him and Trump baffles me daily and I'm very glad I'm not American. I have a daily nap and I'm not spending as much due to staying at home, although still more than I'd like as the Mothership has upped the rent temporarily.
They are completely locked down, worse than here and as their incomes depend on tourists, they are struggling.

Do any of my old blog crowd still see this? Many are on Facebook now. Sometimes I think of Welshy and his family and I hope they are well. I wonder if I should reach out in concern and then stop myself. I dont want it to be taken the wrong way. If he cared or worried, then he would be in touch. Even FWB has messaged to check I'm ok and we've hardly spoken since Feb.