Was talking to The Lizard last night and confessed to her how I felt about the LF.
She reckons I should just come out with it, thing is. I'm not going to do it down the phone, which is why I wanted him to come down so I could work out if there was any reason for me to confess all.
So I rang him yesterday instead and whittered away (read: garbled so fast due to the phone phobia that on several occasions he had to tell me to shut up so he could answer my questions.) for 20 minutes until my phone credit ran out unexpectedly on a question about whether the sea at Scarborough got ice-burgs in it in the winter.
so he text me telling me (after some persuasion) that he was very proud of me for having stuck on the phone for so long and he'd ring me tomorrow, he did talk about coming down for a weekend once he gets paid on the 30th, so we'll see on both counts.
One of the first things he asked about was the BB so do we take that as a sign of jealousy or just general interest? Answers to the usual address please!
But I tried to point out as much as possible that I dont really have any feelings for the BB and he's just something to take my mind of my general misery.
Anyway. I have for the last week spent more time playing solitaire than working on my presentation for tomorrows Rainforests and Deserts so I really need to get on with that
I also need to get back into the habit of eating properly, all I had yesterday was a mini-pizza thing, thing is for the last few days I've just not felt hungry and if I have done, I've ignored it thinking it'll go away soon and it does, which isnt the best thing to be doing I know.

So maybe going out with H2 was a bad idea, even if i was only out for an hour, and I only had 3 drinks, I got wrecked.
Possibly due to the only thing I had to eat all day was a ham toastie.
So I started stumbling to BB, figuring he could keep me company seeing as I was still miserable.
and I started texting LF, telling him that it didn't matter if he couldnt come up tomorrow (today) that I still loved him anyway and he was my best mate.
So to be honest I'm very glad he took that in the wrong way and I got
"You know wot. I love u2. ur one of the few people on my wavelength." (I think he was pissed too)
BBBUUUUUZZZZZ!!!!!!!!
Wrong answer, well its not, its the right thing to say but not for my head and in my drunken state.
Cos now I'm sitting here, eating cold kebab meat and chips and wondering, yet again if there is something I should be hoping for.
We had a pretty furious text conversation last night, pre-drinking session, in which he apologised again and again for not getting the money together sooner, that he would do his best to get the money today and how gutted he was and had been looking forward so much to seeing me.
To be honest I dont think he's gonna get the money together but now I am also wondering if there is something else, cos the texts just seemed *too* intense for mates. Or am I just reading more into a situation cos I want more?
I know I moan on and on about this, but I can never work out if he's just being matey or whether he's hiding his feelings as well as I'm hiding mine.
Ah shit on this.
I'm gonna throw this shit food and go have a nap.

Todays the day!
Well possibly.
Its still quite possible that LF will not make it down today and I'm preparing myself for the worst, but I'm still gonna be heart-broken if he tells me I have to wait another day or calls off completely.
But I'm not gonna lose faith, I'm keeping everything possible crossed that he does make it down today, and can I ask all you fab Bloggy people to keep everything crossed for me too?
No doubt I'll be updating later in the day with the news that he can't come.
But if he does make it down, then this blog will take a little break till Wednesday at least, as I'm not quite ready to come out in front of him!

*4.16 edit* He cant get the money together, been trying all day but unsucessfully, he might try his mum again tomorrow, but if not will have to come up at the weekend sometime.

Proper gutted and he is too

ARRGGHH!!
Spent all day and my Kew Gardens work is only half way done and come hell or high water it WILL be handed in tomorrow.
Plus the LF is not sure if he can make it up tomorrow as he is skint and his mum won't lend him the money, I suggested that he starts busking.
He suggested that he sells his body and I told him that would only get him to York and he'd have to find a lot of blind people.
Hehehehe.
I hope he gets the money together, I've been looking forward to this for so long.

Round of applause for me please.
Woke up late, decided I'd really better tidy my room in honour of LF's Impending visit, so hoovered (first time since I moved in, in September!) and took my washing down.
Dark wash, yup.
Light wash...
I recently brought a bright yellow smiley face T-shirt.
Did that fit in with light wash?
Well it was yellow, ok, bright glow-in-the-dark yellow, but yellow's a light colour right?
WRONG.
I now have bright yellow underwear, all my best pants (admittedly not many of them, but still!) are yellow. My top is yellow, my bra's are all yellow.
I could quite rapidly go off yellow.

yuck.
What a day.
Watched Harry Potter 3 last night with TP then BB asked if I'd come to his, he'd just got himself wasted on a bottle of wine and was fairly emotional.
By the time I got there he was onto the "lets be aggressive and fall over lots" stage.
Which was kinda funny.
MH text, and I think things got sorted, but according to STF today, she text him saying that we'd had a huge row, so God only knows what she's up to there, apart from being a huuge drama queen.
I'm not pissed with her anymore, I told her I was angry, she apologised, I thought that was the end of the matter, but obviously not to her!
Woke up and badgered BB until he made me breakfast in bed, sausages, burgers, toast and hash browns, what a sweetie!
While eating that, I kinda got the feeling that things were not right and when I came home I realised that I had been right and my insides were happily falling out.
Struggled down to Our Beloved Friary in order to watch us lose and then staggered back home, where I have spent the rest of the day, curled up in my bed, contemplating DIY surgery on myself, ANYTHING to get the pain to go away!
So my plan of getting work done today has been wasted, dont think I'll be out with the lads tonight and I'll be curled up, gobbling paracetemol and cursing once again the fact that I was born a girl.

Things I have learned lately.

1 - The Grudge, is the SHIT scariest movie ever. Normally horror movies dont bother me but that was shit scary. Me and STF we're continually hiding in our seats or grabbing each other to make each other jump.
2 - The Japanese make the best horror movies.
3 - My Brat passed his driving test, I'm never gonna hear the end of it.
4 - American English by Idlewild, is possibly one of THE most awesome songs ever. Full stop.

I got a text from The Sheep today.
"Cliff Richard. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm tired of the stick I've been getting for this and the Gary Neville Shirt.
So come on, loyal readers, whats the worst thing you ever had to admit too? Come on, you can admit to it here and get it off your chest and be absolved of your sins, that STEPS CD? All is forgiven.
Fancying Paula Radcliffe? Get it off your chest now.

To MH.

1 - I don't know if something I have said to you has given you the wrong end of the stick or if you are deliberately causing trouble but do not tell LF I have feelings for him when I do not.
2 - I am not an insensitive bitch and have not been using LF to wind BB up.
3 - Our relationship may be a joke but we ain't hurting anyone.
3 - do not go to STF implying otherwise.
4 - Please stop telling me that I do not have to go home after uni, I am doing what I feel is best for my family, I am not happy about it, but I accept it, you only make matters worse by insiting that I do not need to go home.

If you are jealous that I am getting a visitor and you are not, I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do about that.

(Please note: This is an extremely edited version of an extremely pissed off email that I sent earlier today, I hate confrontation.)

----

On unrelated topics.

SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!
SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!
SNOW!SNOW!SNOW!
SN.... Awwww. Its melting....

Gary!
After all the hype, you let us down!
England were shite.
Never mind, lets hope u continue to be shite on Saturday.
(Us V The G-Man!)
Maybe we'll only lose one or two - nill, instead of the usual 4-0!

I have a little confession..
And its not as sordid as confessing to The Sheep, that actually I quite like Cliff Richard and think the man is a Legend.
No. My confession is a little more dirty than that.
I am now sitting in front of my computer, supposedly finishing my Rainforests to Deserts presentation, in time for the England match tonight.
However, I am now wearing a new England shirt.
"Not so bad" You say.
Well, it has G. Neville on the back and his number, yes somehow STF convinced me to join the G. Neville fan club (currently 4 members, including us two) and get a England shirt with his name on the back.
He was also trying to convince me to wear it to the pub on Saturday, I nearly agreed, then realised what he was saying.
I'm sorry, I shall go and seek therapy immediately

I appear to have been stood up...
So I look for other ways to entertain myself this night.
TP is busy doing uni work, BB appears to be "away" according to his MSN.
So what's a girl to do?
I sigh and find a spoon and a new tub of Ben and Jerry's half baked, and put on Lethal Weapon

Only a quick post as STF and R are coming to pick me up so we can go cheer on the paddies (No Matty Holland though!)
MH pissed me off last night via MSN, telling me that I was too excited about LF coming down, that it was insensitive of me to go on about it to BB and accusing me of having feelings for him.

1 - I have been so miserable the last few weeks, does she want me like that all the time? Him coming to visit has given me such a lift and is helping me get all my work in on time. I'd be that excited if GT or OF, anyone that'd I'd not seen for so long came to visit.
2 - I may be a lot of things but I am not insensitive, I told BB about him coming to visit, cos that was only fair and only mentioned it once since then, the other night.
3 - I honestly dont know what my feelings are about LF, I dribble on about it here, far too much and still dont know, at the moment I see him as a valued mate, there are "what if" feelings there, but I would die than tell people that, and as far as they're all concerned he's a best mate.

STF said maybe she's jealous, she's no longer the main person in my life, LF would never have come to visit us last year without Jena, and she thought I'd be the lonely one, where as instead they've all made an effort to look after me and she's lonely in her place on her own.
Or perhaps I'm just (finally) growing up and not letting myself be ruled by well-meaning but thoughtless idiots.

I won a rubber glove!
Yay me!
A yellow ribber glove!
I have no idea why I won it, suspect it was for the 4 bottles of VK that I brought last night..
Met MH at Derby Station, and we ended up in Our Beloved Friary, meeting A and STF there.
Wit my glove proudly on one hand we met up with N and R and N's Housemate J and got carried (Why does N always end up carrying me? I dont get it.) to a bar in town, only stayed for the one there (aint i good?)
Then came home and finished the hab management, while pissed, what an achievement!
Then went to see BB and had just settled down to sleep, still proudly showing off my glove when LF text at 2am, informing me that he was pissed.
Then about half 4, I had a dream of spiders crawling up my spine and down my arm, and spiders dont really bother me but I felt the legs and I woke bolt upright, shouting.
"Oh Shit! Oh Shit!" and slapping my arm and any part of BB that didnt get out of the way quick enough
Anyway, managed to get Hab management in (Yay!) and we drove for 3 hours to see baby white fluffy seals (very, very, very, very cute) for an hour then came back home again.
Meanwhile me and LF were in the middle of a serious Text war, as we usually manage to do.
Wanted to get my own back so sent him a text hoping I'd woken him, only he was already awake and we then had a 2 hour text conversation, which ended with me deciding I was God and he was a lesser God who was only fit to lick my God-sandals and be the main God when I was on holidays.
Now I think I'm being taken out by STF and N to a pub quiz then possibly a night at Desperate and Easy.

Urk.
Been working on my Hab management since I got back from football. (4-0! Go JJ!)
So I'm sorry there is no real report from my POV (not that anyone cares what I have to say), as a bonus however my essay is only 720 words short, gonna call it quits now and take it home and re edit it and hopefully bump it up tomorrow night and hand it in on Monday morning.
I'm shattered.
LF is definately coming next Monday till Wednesday and I think he has planned a lot of drinking and living off of takeaways. (I love that guy, he always has THE most awesome ideas!)

Spent most of the day doing my Habitat management (Oxleas woods) stuff, need another 1000 words at least this weekend and then edit it to hand in Monday, then hopefully get all of Rainforests and deserts done Tuesday and Wednesday and hand in Thursday.
MH is meant to be visiting Sunday night. STF sent her a harsh email telling her to sort herself out and take care off me cos I was so miserable and he's trying to help but she should be there looking out for me.
Bless him.
Also been sorting out a "Who's who" on the side there.
Took me a while but its a work in progress so will be added to and updated sporadically.

We had our fingers crossed that we'd miss the field trip today, we had it all planned.
For anyone else, we'd have missed it but we all love Granddad Alan.
So if the weather was shitty when we got up, we'd stay home, if it was good we'd go.
And yes, it was lovely and sunny when we got up, and when we got to Hardwick Hall it was cold and cloudy and overcast.
Bastard weather.
--
Dad was let of off hospital so came and picked me up, which is good. MH has apologised for not being around the last few weeks and is coming over on Sunday.
And LF is coming!
Monday night (for £1 a pint night!) and then we might go see MH in Sheff on Tuesday and then he's going to see his York family on Wednesday.
I can't wait, not only for other reasons, but cos he is such a great person and we always have a laugh

There are times when I seriously love my lads.
A and STF brought ALL my drinks from 6:30 until I came home at 1:30.
N carried me to the bars and kept his arm around me, knowing that I was lonely and miserable and wanting that kind of physical contact and support, without me saying anything.
I'd told STF what's been going on, on Sunday and I guess he told him, and then walking home I told A and I got the sweetest text ever from STF.
---
Anyway Stumbled into uni to see Not-So-Evil Mike who promised me he'd try and sort it out so I graduate, But It means I need to get all my coursework in ASAP.
Fuck. And once again. FUCK!
---
TP is all bouncy and full of joy cos TJ has come to stay for a few days and we went into town, where I was amused when London Calling by The Clash came on and then my Mothership rang me.
Not so amused by what she had to say.
Yes it was WonderDrug day, and at this moment Dad's not even had time to have the reaction, cos he's aenemic (bugger I can never spell that!) and has to have a blood transfusion before they even start thinking about putting the drug in him and he had a bit of a turn at that so they're keeping him in hospital overnight.
So fuck, fuck, fuck FUCK!
---
Going home tomorrow after uni for the Charlton/Norwich match and I'm gonna try and sort my head out cos being miserable is seriously bringing me down and I'm sick of it being the main focus of my attention and I'm sick of burdening other people with my problems.

Celebrated handing in the Voles last night, by going round to BB's to watch Shrek (and do "other things").
Except Shrek didnt work on his computer or his PS2. (Think I was lured there under false pretences!)
He's a right twitcher, I could be quite happily asleep and then the next thing I know, he suddenly pulls of a huge twitch. (Re-reading that, that could be taken the wrong way!) and there's me thinking we're in the middle of another Earthquake or on the verge of being kicked outta bed.
Or getting an elbow in the face, like last night, and it was a proper forearm smash.
Apparently, he turned to me, expecting to see tears, blood, but all he got was a mumbled "fucking hell." and then I was asleep again.
So I never really sleep well when I'm there and it doesn't help when I wake up with thoughts of rapists and attackers, to find he's draped his arm over me, and then I can never get back to sleep until he moves as I feel all claustrophobic and trapped.
(He thinks it's funny.)
Anyway I think STF Fan is organising a lads (and me!) night out, to celebrate me handing in the I.S, which will involve them buying me drinks all night long!
Yeah me!
Ecept I have to be in uni for 9 AT THE VERY LATEST tomorrow for a meeting with Evil Mike.
Urk.

Finally got the bastard handed in a little after 2:30pm.
Sitting here now thinking about all the things that I did wrong on it and playing that old game of "What grade am I gonna get?"
Feel like there should be more celebrating.
You know, there should be champaine water fights, like on the F1 on telly, there should be confetti, a fanfare, and fireworks and candyfloss.
I think I may go get some ice-cream to celebrate - Oh yes, I know how to party - Go me!

Its all over...
I can't wait to hand it in tomorrow, I'm going to read it over several times before then and make the pointless little edits but I am so relieved.
THE I.S IS FINISHED!!!
Its over 30 pages long, and I'm sure after all this effort I'm still gonna end up with my usual set of D's for it, but its over, now all I need to do is print it off at uni as I'm still inkless here and hand it in.
Going straight in after my driving lesson, so hopefully it will all be in by 1pm at the latest and I'm not going to Aquatic Biology just so I can have some time off to chill before sitting down to catch up with all my other neglected work.
But it's done.
The Voles I.S is over ad I'm never doing anything like that again!
HURRAYYY!!!