"Aw Bollock off you saddo!"


*Flashback scene starts*

It started as an averagely boring Monday Afternoon, I came into work, was thrilled to see that the damage to my little BlueTack Elephant had been repaired and he had been joined sometime over the weekend by a Bluetack Snail and a BlueTack Snowman.
The BlueTack Snail is actually bigger than both Elephant and Snowman, but hey! In Bluetack World perhaps Snails are bigger than elephants!
Someone asked me to get them a protein shake mix from the stockroom, as I returned to the till aread my Aunty G banged on the glass and waved at me accompanied by one of her Nutters (She works for the council Mental Health Team)
I grinned, waved back, served the gentleman and then turned to see if I could see where she'd gone out the window.
And then I saw him, Poor Hoppy, this kid on a crutch was making his way across from Poundland to our store Hopping with all the speed he could muster.
Closely following him was Afro.
Hoppy clearly already had been hit by Afro and as I looked Afro threw a traffic cone at Hoppy, which just missed him and smacked into our Window.
Hoppy fell up the step and into our store colliding his crutch with our sample table.
"Jesus Christ!" Cried my supervisor!
"Help me!" Cried Hoppy!
The Morning Girl instantly garbled a report down the Walkie Talkie to Street CCTV, and I pulled the doors too and locked us in and Afro out.
Hoppy feels safer now he's in the store and starts mouthing off to Afro who is standing outside waiting for him to leave.
The Morning Girl and my Supervisor are making a series of panicked calls to the CCTV headquarters and trying to find the keys, not remembering that I'm clinging onto the door, attempting to lock it and Afro is still lurking calling people on his phone and is joined by some chavvy bint
(Oh My god, look he's getting reinforcements! Where are the Coppers?! Its like a fucking Vigilante squad out there!) The Morning Girl is nothing if not dramatic!
When the coppers show up its in their proper wagon thingy, from what they were garbling about, it sounds like they were expecting murder to be committed in our shop.
They arrest Afro, take Hoppy into our Staffroom and we point out the Chavvy Girl who's been joined by some other bint who they chase off and THEN to make matters more dramatic the fire alarm decides to use this opportunity to go off.
Which then results in a five minute drama by them pair as they try to figure out how to turn it off, I serve the few customers who got locked into our shop, make a sign that we're closed for the foreseeable future - not that anyone reads it and they continue to demand entrance into the store for their multivits.
I guess they assumed we'd invited the Police round for a teaparty or something!
And then a girl from Savers comes round, alerted no doubt by the panicked witterings of them pair to check we're alive!
Finally Hoppy is taken away by the Coppers, the fire alarm is switched off and they decide that fags and cups of tea are needed to restore their shattered nerves.
So we sit in the staffroom, while they smoke lots of fags and I drink Hot Chocolate and they muse over who Afro was phoning and what will happen about them girls.
"Thing is Charbs," My supervisor muses. "You gave them your name and address, they might want you if it goes to Court."
"What if he was phoning for reinforcements and they'll be waiting for us after work?" Thrills the Mornings Girl.
"You finish in a few minutes anyway." I point out "And dontcha think you're being a little dramatic?"
But the idea has caught on and both are convinced they're never safe to walk home or be in the store alone again.
So 5pm rolls round and I prepare to go home.
"How you getting Back Charbs? Anyone coming to get you?"
I laugh and say that if I did what they did, I'd be laughed at by my family and forever have the tag of sissy on me.
""I really dont like you going home alone." My supervisor worries.
"Aww Bollock off, you Saddo." I laugh. "As if anyone will be that sad out there!"

At least working in Woolwich is never boring and best of all, the interruption and retelling of everyones thoughts on the matter and how they lived through the event, means that magically an hour and a half of my day vanished!