Remember the fear?
Course I do. I remember four years ago, standing there and wondering, and being too scared to breathe almost.
The Fear is back. Suddenly crept on me today when I sat and thought and suddenly it was Deja vu to those years ago. It's worse than ever though, or maybe I forgot how bad the Fear was, taking my breath away and hurting my stomach. I see it everyday, how he gets worse and worse.
How he can't make it up the stairs without gasping for breath and needing to rest.
I see it in the fact that he hardly has the strength to leave the chair.
I see it when he refuses lunch or doesnt have breakfast cos he ain't hungry.
I hear it when he moans about being bored, but not having the energy to do anything about it, to even get a chair to sit in the garden.
Today he has been asleep, sleeping through the builders racket and I'm reminded of the days when he'd sleep all day long and I'd creep about the house, hardly daring to go and see if he was still alive.
Outwardly, physically he looks better than he did then, inwardly its as bad if not worse.
I am scared again and home alone again with him and no better, no more ready to deal with it than I was 4 years ago, no more ready than I was in the Summer.
Remember sitting here waiting for the sound of a cough so you knew he was alive?
Oh yeah I remember... And its back and here for good.