Seems weird to give an update about normal things when there's all this shit kicking off in Ukraine. But let's quickly recap.

My leg is getting better on its own, or at least I thought so until I did a bit too much walking on Wednesday and then had to get the tube into work on Thursday and the jolting did it no good whatsoever! Due to the pandemic I've still not been able to see anyone face to face. They gave me codeine. Very disappointed in that. No effect whatsoever. It deteriorated to the point where I went upstairs on four legs. Constant nagging ache underneath my left butt cheek. Feeling every so often like my leg was getting caught in the socket. Not pleasant.

They decided I broke my hip. I got Xrays. I hadn't broken my hip. Nearly 2 months after my first call to the GP I'm finally getting a physio Zoom call on Monday.

I got a refund from one of the payday loan companies! Four hundred pounds! But before we get too excited, because this is me and I have the worst luck, the car decided to break down. Took it to a garage. Useless garage. Ended up paying 300 for work that wasn't needed.

Took it for a second opinion. Now I need to get it refunded and pay out 180 for the real repair work. SUCH A PAIN. Four hundred pounds would have paid off one of the three loans I have left. April. April if all goes well will be my last loan payment. So much for when it was nearly due to be paid off in January! URGH.

Anyway. I guess all this pales in comparison to what's going on elsewhere. I don't even know what to make of it all. Impossible to imagine being in this situation like the Ukrainians. Tweets going out, telling people how to make Molotov cocktails in their homes. People sheltering in tube stations with pets in pet carriers. I saw a video of a man saying goodbye to his little daughter and wife. Brings tears to your eyes.

I get why we can't be involved yet, but its such a tragedy and then the talk of it starting the next World War. The talk of how Russia has nukes. Its such a horrible slippery slope. And the brave people in Russia who are protesting against it and being arrested and God knows what happening to them.

When I was still young and naïve, I imagined how fun it would be to have a blog documenting something interesting - like Pepys and the Plague years. The truth is definitely how I imagined, all those years ago sat in my uni bedroom in Derby! 

 What to say? In December we were sent home again fulltime. I fell off of Sharemare trying to jump. I've bruised ribs, shoulder and back. When that healed my leg has decided to stop working in sympathy as i've been over compensating. 

Deeply regret 4 year old Charby being plonked on a pony and enjoying it..!

Christmas was Christmas. Spent most of it trying to rest various injuries and eating my own bodyweight in matchmakers. Alone again, although I met a friend for an afternoon walk which was nice.

The Deathday and birthday anniversaries have passed. 

What to sum up last year? It was a trying one in many ways, but also better than 2020. I need some form of human company and everything was so much more bearable with my "after-school" activities back on. 

The dogs have blossomed during my time at home. I'm not exhausted anymore. Still very lonely though. 

I still struggle with the idea of letting this die. I overshare on Facebook now rather than here. But its comforting to know it exists. 

 And now we are back down to one day a week in the office. I like this, two I think would be ideal though. 

Mrs Collie attended her second starter comp and ran well helping her team to another 1st place. She has another one weekend after this. I have entered her into an obedience competition (HAHAHA!)

If only we could get over the chasing! I really want her out running properly in time for the outdoor season next year.

The Mothership is coming into land tomorrow for 10 days. I wish I was more pleased about her visit. The Brat is posibly ill with covid - 1 positive test but two either side of that negative? 

He is leaving for the Lakes for the 10 days she will be here. So tired of being in the middle of them all.

Money is tight as it always is, but come January I will be rid of the loans and be in a better position than I am now. Just gotta struggle on through!

I'm in a better mental place than this time last year where I was lonely and spiralling and struggling. I might feel differently once winter really kicks in but for now we will appreciate life as it is. 

 We have now been back in the office two weeks. I hate it. Back to 16 hours work days, struggling to find time to eat after work. The trains are super busy as well - pre-covid levels. I'm not that keen on being crushed in at best of times, let alone with it still floating about! I mask and gel where I can.

 I like the job and I like the people but its time to find something else, something that offers more in the way of remote working or is closer to home to cut down on that two wasted hours commuting each day.

Mrs Collie has done fab lately. She made a debut in flyball last weekend, coming away with a hattrick of rosettes, 1st, 2nd, 3rd. Agility debut next week and then off to be spayed.

We are battling a flea infestation indoors. They just dont seem to be going, no matter how much I wash the bedding, treat the dogs, hoover. I think its where the weather has just been awful this year! 

Wet and warm and my attempts last year at tackling the garden have proved to be fruitless.

I lost the last of my birds recently, when I had the hen it bought rats into the garden and they hunted and killed them. I got my first cockatiel to celebrate my 11th birthday and have had them ever since. 26 years of birdkeeping!

 If someone ten years ago said that this blog and I would be around in the middle of a pandemic and England in the final of a proper competition. I think I would have pissed myself laughing, not sure what was the most unbelievable! But its happening!

Flyball is back tomorrow! And then the final this Sunday. 11 more days before I go back to the office. 

 Well the supposed back to work date is now July. I went to see TP last weekend which was lovely, we went to Bakewell, Chatsworth House and Hardwick Hall. So good to get away from work which has been manic and horrible.

My role is coming to an end and i'm being pushed into something else a bit more basic and lower pay but we will see how we go and keep eyes and ears open for another job if needed.

The collie has finally come into season I originally booked her into be spayed for August but now am thinking of having it done in September as gives me that little bit longer to save up for it.

Less than two weeks now until we go to our first flyball comp, hopes are not high as was a disastrous training session yesterday but with one more to go who knows and will be so so good to be out and about again!

Share Mare still off work with laminitis and I have been to the pub for the first time since possibly Dec 2019 to watch the England games!

I had my other jab last Thursday so that's good although again I had groggy side effects from it. 

 Another month has passed in the land of the lockdown. Restrictions are loosening again, so I took the dogs down to Devon for a training week. It was full of drama, Cocoa got loose, I backed into a van. Cocoa got caught in electric fencing. I met CL and UDOBF! How fucking long ago was it that we lived together? Madness!

Flyball training has restarted. Hero is fab as ever, Cocoa is slowly getting her head around it. Share Mare has laminitis and is on box rest.

I had my jab yesterday! Pfizer. I was/am sceptical about how quickly it got pushed through and passed for the public but I always said I'd have it when my time came but I was in no rush to push it forward. Let everyone find the blood clots and side effects first. I feel ok this morning, a bit tired and headachey, kinda like a super mild hangover and my arm is sore around the injection site, like i've been punched but Brat was out cold for 3 days with the AZ vaccine so i'm doing well so far!

Work is so full on with lots and lots of training. We have a back to work date of 22nd June, but two days a week working from home, I am disappointed it cant be more. But its still a lot better than all 5 days in the office. I'm hoping that when I do the early starts for the training I can work from home those days too.

I will be going to see The Twins in June and flyball comps start back in July. I need to start sorting out agility classes for the pair. Is this another false dawn for the end of the pandemic? With the Indian strain and the utter uselessness of the Government I'd not put it past them! 

 So fed up - April showers seem to be April snow showers! Cold, more like Jan than April! I'm feeling guilty. I woke the tortoise up, put him in the garden as I was tricked by the two nice days we had had where it was 20 degrees, now its snowing -2 at night and can I find the fucker to bring him into the warm?

Hopefully he's dug a wee hole somewhere to shelter in.

Pandemic life continues. I did a 6 week, 4 day stint of not talking to anyone who wasn't on Zoom!

Then over Easter I met a friend for flyball training and then E on the Monday. 

The most exciting thing so far to happen to me this year was nearly getting stopped for shoplifting. I got beeped when leaving the store and I didn't get a receipt from the self serve machine and then while talking to them, the mars bar I put in my hoody pocket to eat on way home fell out and I got marched to customer services to have everything re-scanned and then had to open up my bank app to check it matched with what I paid for!

Haha! So much paranoia in case I hadn't paid for something properly! 

Still waiting for restrictions to ease. I've rather foolishly booked a training holiday for a week for the dogs at the start of May. Work say we're at home now until 21st June and then flexible working, with us in the office Tues/Weds/Thurs. Not sure how that would work for me. I have international training that starts at 7.30 BST and the office doesn't open until 9.... 

Hoping I can get them to agree that I can stay at home on the training days! We will see. 

 Oooh Controversial post on Facebook led me to getting a ban for 48 hours and caused an uproar!

So Major Tom died, very sad etc. But I posted questioning why in the middle of a pandemic that preys on elderly people did a 100 year old man think it would be ok to go a 14 hour round trip to Barbados?

He did all that fund raising for the NHS, (i'm sceptical about whether that money actually went where it was supposed to or if it was diverted to the fancy big billboards they put up to get us all to stay home, but you know, probably best not to question!) 

Anyway point is, this has been going on for just short of a year. He's done all that work, everyone knows you stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives. 

Its not like he was going to Tesco's for his weekly shop! He went to frigging Barbados! Not really essential was it? 

But anyway daring to question that led to uproar and a Facebook ban and snide secret messages from people who don't have the balls to discuss it directly. 

HE's A WAR HERO! You can't say things like that. (eye roll emoji) Not really sure what his war work has to do with this. 

Princess Diana all over again and i'm getting convinced i'm actually living in Nineteen Eighty-Nine! 

 New years eve!!

Some ways this year has flown by! Some ways it's been a hellish drag.

The old couple I mentioned in my last post? The lady died. I'm so gutted about it, they were like surrogate grandparents, exhausting but fun and very, very generous. 

My covid test came back clear only now my car is fucked. Battery/alternator. Who knows?

Cant afford to not have it. Cant afford to fix it. Nagging away is the thought of needing to fix the roof and the electrical issue as well....

My other, one surviving grandparent died. Dads mum. Haven't spoken to them since the funeral. Wish I felt bad about it, I dont. I'm sadder about my friends.

Normally I write a sum up of the past year but it's been such a nothing year! Everything on hold.

Should I write goals for next year? In all honesty I can see me being at home until next Easter at least. Cant see there being many dog comps or training sessions.

So I wont. Lets all tell 2020 to fuck off and bring on 2021 and keep fingers crossed for a better one! 

 And Boom! Just like that its Christmas. We're now in tier 4. so kinda proper lockdown. I'm self isolating, the old couple at flyball who have adopted me, invited me into their house when I went over on Tuesday to drop off xmas presents. So I figuring, afterall I'm very low risk enter the house, breaking the rules for the second time since March. Only once I got inside, she's coughing and they're telling me that their son is upstairs after having been hospitalised with the covid!

Gee thanks. My few days of freedom and chances to get out of this house and do long dog walks and rides and its stolen for me, for 4 days at least until I get a test on Tuesday.

Sigh.

So even though Christmas is shit anyway, its been even shitter as i'm stuck indoors! Last week as well, all the electrics went again. While i'm up a ladder trying to sort it I realise the kitchen roof is leaking.

I rang the Mother thinking she would have ideas but got abuse that its my fault for not looking after the house and then tears about how rubbish her life is.

Hello?! I'm stuck with the Brother who is incapable of flushing the toilet and has currently parked a pissy mattress in the hallway, making it impossible to hoover or tidy properly for the last two weeks. 

I made a brie and bacon mac and cheese but as I didnt have the right ingredients thanks to the needing to confine myself to the house, its rather dry. Edible but dry.

We had our staff virtual xmas party, which was almost fun and almost like leaving the house! Getting ready, putting some jewellery on etc! Like anyone on zoom would notice!

Anyway, here we are. I'll blog again soon, if not before my traditional end of year fuck off post. 

 Ok - let me fill you in on my weekend. As previously mentioned BB appeared mid August and we got heavily flirty, dodgy videos got sent. We made plans to meet up. Do what has been hanging over us 18 years ago. 

(18!!!! Can you believe i've been dicking about with this that long? That means possibly next year is my 20th Blog-versary? Jesus I'm getting old.....)

Lockdown happened and that did nothing to help my already fragile mental state as referred too in the other post. I had been looking forward to it very much.

Fuck it. I decided I had the day off. I'll break lockdown. Drive 143 miles one way to see him. You're allowed with the new rules to see one other person. Single people are allowed to do so... Support Bubbles and all that shit. Yes I was taking it to extreme as i'm sure they mean just visiting people down the road and you're not allowed in their houses. But I needed so, so desperately to get out of this house, to have human contact. The sex I'd been promised, that he'd built up in my head.

So I did. I went to see him. And as my life goes, it never lived up to expectations. Oh I was very careful. I don't obviously leave the house much, apart from riding and the park and I only touch my things there. I didn't go to the supermarket or shops at all in the week leading up to it. 

I had to stop at services halfway through to use the loo, I washed my hands before leaving the car, I only opened the doors using elbows etc, once through the door, I washed them again. I washed them before using the loo, after, before touching the pads when ordering a cheeky macdonalds, (my first since Feb!) once they gave me the food. before leaving services, when eating in my car. I wore my mask. I was as careful and confident as I can be that I took all precautions.

I got to his late, and we hung out in his hot tub, catching up, and yeah, things started to go the way we planned.

He remembers, bless him, how worried and naïve about it all I was, tried to reassure me, although I don't need it any more.... Things were moving on.... His cat got into a fight or something outside and he went to rescue it.... Stopped the mood a bit. Came back and I tried to instigate things again but yeah, it was dead.

We went to bed and things got moving again... but he wasn't fully ready (trying very hard not to be too crude here!!!) He told me he had too much to drink while waiting for me. We cuddled and went to sleep.

Oh God! It was so nice just to be held and kissed and to feel wanted. I didn't need to hold back, not like with FWB. Didn't need to keep my guard up, make sure that I didn't fall. We slipped back into how it was before. Even just cuddling in the morning and during the day, nothing sexual. Just felt wanted for the first time in ages, how much I missed human contact.

His cat kept getting in the way. That bloody animal knew exactly what he was doing. It was funny, and even funny in the morning when we tried again and failed.

We sat and watched TV and in the afternoon I tried to start things up again and we went back upstairs.

"I'm sorry.... I can't... I've not been able to for ages."

I was drunk. I rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up and cried. Just like being in my early 20's again and crying on his shoulder because I was so scared of the future. So sure it was my fault, that he was making excuses for me, that I was broken. That he regretted me being here. That trying to live up to an 18 year old fantasy was so bloody stupid.

He asked me if I was allergic to the cat.

Sunday morning and I didn't have the heart to try again. I just got up, counted down the minutes until I could bolt for freedom, having made plans to go see H2 before driving home.

 I apologised when I got home. He tells me its not my fault. That I did nothing wrong, but I find it so hard to believe. I know its a man thing and pride when it doesn't work but I thought he knew me better than that. That he must have slept with other girls, he hasn't been in a long term relationship for 8 years but he'd had other girls. He must have. 

And I'm so goddamn frustrated that I broke all the rules, went under false pretences and here I am again.

It was a one off. He is too far for it to be a regular thing and to try again, even if I was ready to be humiliated again. I was struggling to get away even before, too many commitments. He's sweet and kind but ever so slightly racist and transphobic and I can't be doing with that shit. 

It was nice to get away, to kinda feel wanted, to spend 24 hours staring at a screen in a completely different environment. To catch up with an old friend, to see H2, even if only briefly as I had to get back to the yard for the horse by 3. 

So here we are again. Slightly refreshed by my weekend away, slightly still mentally broken and adding this trauma onto my list of mental woes. And I've been writing this since 9. Its time I started work.....

 I've struggled. Really struggled mentally with this whole thing. It was ok in the Summer as I could take dogs for long walks after work and ride.

I still work from home, which is brilliant for the dogs, for my being able to save some money, less stress but its hard. God its hard being in this house all day. 

They let us have "bubbles" and I struggled with that. No one would want to be in my bubble, no point asking. I asked people if they wanted to meet up, go for walks, go for a drink. People wanted to be with other friends, see family, I am low on their list. It's fine, I accept that.

Things loosened up a bit, we could start flyball, agility, obedience training. It was the only time I spoke face to face with people. 

Then it got taken away again, the nights are dark when I finish work. I take them out at lunch as well as the morning to get some sunshine.

My work began to suffer, I had an amazingly humiliating meeting about it. I hit rock bottom financially and have cut down my riding days which also lost me some of my routine and safety net. 

People talk about how lonely they are and I think, well this is nothing unusual for me. I can't be bothered to go drag the entry up but two years ago I made a post about walking around Asda just to be around people and repeating to myself that I was not lonely, I was not lonely.

I'd be ok with being on my own if I could just carry on with my activities and I realise just how much my life revolves around the animals, how much I rely on them for my sanity and how much worse I'd be if I didn't have them.

They talk about how they hope for a normal Christmas and I think, well my Christmases are on my own anyway, so that's normal and anyway now I know for definite people only invite me out of pity.

Mum only gets in touch when she needs something from me. One of my boys that I go to football with, hit rock bottom. I was scared he was going to do something silly. I reached out to him. Told him of my own struggles, tried to make him realise he's not on his own. Nothing. 

People only seem to reach out to me when they need something from me and because i'm so desperately lonely I run to help them, to give me meaning in my own life.

E & P's Dad died - not of the Covid, the funeral is next week. i'm going to be off  for it. I suppose I should be glad I'm invited as they're limited to 30 people? 

 See! I havent blogged in so long that it's all changed when I go to log in!

I'm back working. From home for now. I have been home for nearly 6 months, over 146 days. 

Originally it was going to be 4 weeks! OK, hard to stay motivated and everything takes a hell of a lot longer. But so, so many positives.

No 2 hour commute. No spending 160+ a month on said commute. So much better for quality of life for me and the pups as they can have lunch time walks/training.

No news on when we go back to the office. Start of each month I pray for one more month.

But life is slowly returning to the before times. I'm back at dog school. I'm doing 1-2-1 agility and flyball classes. I have two agility comps coming up. No flyball till November at earliest but I can see it not happening until perhaps next Easter when we can venture outside. I'd rather do the training. Its better for Miss Collie, who has now been with me a whole year!

Some days I think she's improving. Some days I still despair of her. I spend a long time training her each day - I have the time now!

We move Share Mare to a new yard and have spent time hacking and exploring. We did two in yard clear round jumping rounds in July and today. We did well and today I remembered to breathe and enjoy myself.

I met up with my work colleagues and CEO for a casual dinner on Friday, first time I've been out, out since- well March - if not longer. 

Again my life hasn't really changed, still busy with the animals, just no competitions. 

BB has suddenly reappeared in my facebook. Looking back now, I am grateful to him. He taught me a lot, was very patient and in these "MeToo" days I realise how easy it would have been for him to put the pressure on me and I would have caved to something I wasn't ready for. But yet each time when he begged me to let him put a condom on, and I froze. He accepted it. Dealt with it and we moved on.

I am grateful too for when all that ended and I would just go to his place drunk and upset and needing comfort and him holding me while we slept.

We have been heavily flirty via fb messenger. If I didnt have the animals, perhaps I would go there and we'd get stuff out our systems. But I do and he couldn't stay here and I couldn't disappear every so often to walk and feed them.

I love them but they are a bind!

Mother came back for a visit on my birthday and exhausted me. It was a stupidly hot week which makes me ratty anyway. She didn't wear a mask while flying or travelling the two hours and two different trains till I got her. She refused to self isolate. We argued. Her friends called me The Gestapo.

I was glad she went and yet feel guilty that I'm not nicer to her. I dont see her often and I should be more patient but every time it just drags up the resentment I have. 

She spent the inheritance that was given to her. 100k within 4 years. She lent me money which I'm paying back. I got a new laptop from it. A not very good one in all honesty.

I have been home for over 146 days. Nearly 6 months. I wonder when it will end and cross my fingers that I can somehow stay at home even if its just one or two days a week.

So the world is still a bit insane. Lockdown got extended but people were ignoring it near me. Groups of 10/20 people I'd see meeting up. Then hugging and kissing each other goodbye.
I've been taken back off furlough and am now working from home. Possibly until "September'-ish". Tbh I think I'm off furlough a bit soon. No one has money for training and waiting to see.
I feel like the Government are trying Herd Immunity though the backdoor. Apart from occasional bumping into people at the yard, I've met one friend since March. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. On one hand apart from my afterwork activities nothing in my life changed during real lockdown and this half hearted attempt we have now so you cant miss what you dont have. On the other hand it reminds me that I am actually quite lonely and miss having a partner.
FWB has popped up. Split with his gf due to the virus. We had a clear the air talk about how unhappy I was with his actions. He doesn't think there was anything wrong in what he did. I'll wait and see if he makes any more move apart from that although I think for him that ship has sailed. I'd like to think the same but if he messaged I dont know what I'd do tbh. It's nice to feel wanted even if you know deep down you're not wanted and nice to have a real face to talk to rather than a screen.
The collie has been a real bit of work during this and I'm starting to see light at end of tunnel although it might all go backwards and depress me should flyball/obedience start again.
We're moving the horse. Further out but hopefully a nicer place. I have a friend possibly coming around next weekend for a socially distanced catch up in the garden although I'm trying not to get excited about it as she is a bit flaky.
The only good thing I can truly report on is that at least my funds last the whole month on furlough wages and I'm hoping this month's full wage means I may not need to use the money that I use to pay off my credit cards this month and actually be able to reduce some of the debt. Signed a petition for basic universal income while this is going on. Again I have no faith in it but it would make a difference should it did happen.
Life goes on pretty much as normal for me despite a pandemic......

When I was young and naive about the world and new to blogging, I fantasised about this being a record that would be used in history books in the future. A kinda electronic version of Pepys diaries.
Here we are in the middle of Crazy and I've not mentioned anything. We got sent home the day after my last blog.
I work in the training department and of course there is no training. I worked sluggishly from home for a week, helping other departments and then lockdown came and I was furloughed. We are now awaiting news of how long it will be extended for. At least another three weeks, I think. This'll be announced later this week.
I have been furloughed for three weeks, and it'll be a full 2 weeks tomorrow. So a month at home.
I'm coping quite well I think. I've set lots of weekly tasks, Monday is baking day. Tuesday cleaning bathroom day etc. I have also made a flyball lane, spend an hour each day doing that with the dogs, plus some trick training. I signed them up to do sniffer dog training online. The collie clicked it, poor old Hero has not. She had her 6th birthday! I am naughty and walk them twice. My argument is that I dont see anyone in the mornings, most people seem to be keeping their curtains closed until 9 or 10 and we are home by then. I walk them in the woods in the afternoon, or some mornings we go to the yard to do the horse. I'm working on trying to desensitise the collie to chasing things - mostly the horse and hero flyball training to little success.
I practice my Spanish daily on duolingo and I've tried to watch TV, stranger things, parks and recreation, Brooklyn nine nine. But they're all a bit meh. Normally I dont watch TV during the week. Now I just have sky sports news on, on its constant loop reporting on how various leagues plan on finishing. How sporting celebrities are dealing with this.
I did some volunteering for people I know and people I dont.
I'm not bored although I'm frustrated at not being able to get out and about as normal and the queues in supermarkets fill me with irrational rage with the idiots and their pointless face masks that they're not even wearing properly, the panic buying seems to have calmed now they are restricting people's purchases.
I dont believe Boris is doing a fab job despite the way people suck up to him and Trump baffles me daily and I'm very glad I'm not American. I have a daily nap and I'm not spending as much due to staying at home, although still more than I'd like as the Mothership has upped the rent temporarily.
They are completely locked down, worse than here and as their incomes depend on tourists, they are struggling.

Do any of my old blog crowd still see this? Many are on Facebook now. Sometimes I think of Welshy and his family and I hope they are well. I wonder if I should reach out in concern and then stop myself. I dont want it to be taken the wrong way. If he cared or worried, then he would be in touch. Even FWB has messaged to check I'm ok and we've hardly spoken since Feb.

Again a massive big break in this and it seems the world has gone crazy in the meantime.

Coronavirus. In a way I'm lucky in that the people I care about have already died so I have no need to worry about passing it on to close family members.
Have I changed my habits? Not really, I'm washing my hands as normal. I went to an agility show on Saturday with Dog 1.
The panic buying is shocking me really and it kinda makes you want to go along with the lemmings. I need anti bact handwash because of the animals, but its running low and i've not seen any for two weeks. Loo roll we're doing ok as I have 6 rolls and with just me and my brother we don't use too much but I still feel a bit antsy that I should have more just in case! That probably makes the panic buying worse. I can't get any even if I wanted it but what if I suddenly need more!?

Doesn't make any logical sense and if people just stopped being ridiculous there would be enough to go around anyway!!!

Hoping for working from home to kick in. Talk that it may happen next week depending on the COBRA meeting next week, even if its half of us at home, half in the office and then swapping so there is a presence.

Wait and see. That's all we can do really and in the words of Dad's Army's Corperal Jones

"DON'T PANIC!"

Why am I feeling guilty that i haven't blogged? I mean I only do this for my benefit?

I'm at work currently so I'll be brief. Life carries on as normal. We obviously had Dad's anniversary and birthdays. The dogs are doing ok, the collie continues to frustrate, but is going to a workshop this Wednesday and I have a behaviourist coming for her end of March.

I've lost all motivation about riding as the weather has just been so wet and crap! Hoping now that the days are slowly getting longer, some will come back.

I'll try and be better at this starting from now on.

New years eve post! Or new decade's eve post!

I hsvent posted much in here. Its just the usual wndless cycle of work, dogs, horses and not a lot else.
FWB still isnt talking to me. In fact he blocked me on social media. Still trying it on with the kid though. I got a fairly decent payrise at work. Happy day.

So. This year. Hated the job I started the year in. Ended up getting sacked from that too! I like my job now although I hate the commute. I got another dog. She's amazingly hard work, but shes been in boot camp the last two weeks, i'd like to say it's made a difference but who knows really?

I'm still single and lonely, still debt ridden. I'd like to do some travel this year but finances, plus the collie might make life awkward as I dont know if I could trust her around anyone yet.
I dont know what else to say about this year, but its been a mega decade. From my Facebook post, I quote:
"As everyone else is doing it! This decade, I started it in a job I hated, living with Ed, being pretty settled with him and preparing to travel around India. Since then Ed left me to go live in Russia. I moved out of London and moved back twice, I lived abroad, I got sacked from three jobs. My family disintegrated further. I got into a lot of debt and out and in again. I passed my driving test. I learnt to speak reasonable Spanish. I visited 12 countries. A fair few more people I knew died. I wanted a dog. I now have two dogs. I wanted to do more than just plod about a riding school and now we have Vim to play with. I have a job I like. I'm still struggling with dealing with my brother. I went to the Olympics! I went to see an England home and away game! I saw Charlton get promoted (and relegated). I gave up my season ticket! Lets see what happens in the next decade!"

Will I still be blogging in a decade's time? Will I still be blogging in a year's time? Who knows. Lets roll with it. Say our usual fuck off to 2019 and bring on the 20's!

More slack!

I had a really bad cold that turned into a stomach bug and left me drained. There was an awful moment when I took the dogs to Lullingstone, thinking I was ok.
 I was most definitely NOT ok and realised this the minute I let Hero out the car. I turned to frantically get her back in the car but she refused on the principle that we had just got there and why should she?
I had undone the collie's seatbelt and in my panic forgot her and she made a bolt for freedom. I spent an increasingly unhappy 20 minutes waddling about with shit filled pants almost sobbing as I tried to catch her.
And of course I did, and then as I went to clear myself up I bumped into the over 50's walking group who all wanted to share their tips at helping her learn recall.

Talking of shit, the collie is still struggling with learning her toileting manners. I spent some time getting up in the middle of the night for her but she still seems to just go when she wants. It gets me down. The house stinks.

The brother has come home! I told everyone that it wouldn't last till Christmas! Gutted, the house was slowly getting cleaner as I'm out nearly every night so don't have time to make a mess (other than the dgs!) so I could get on top of what was there and almost make it look nice. Now of course we're back to square one.

And to add to the joy I had a bailiff on my door at 6am after the Brat. Apparently he had driven through the congestion charge and not done anything with it. And owed them close to 600 quid.
It was awful and quite scary, he was still away at this point. I had no idea what it was about, and GDPR and that means that the guy couldn't tell me. At one point it was looking like i'd have to pay the money out of my wages this month (that would be close to half of it...)

After a couple of awkward encounters, he eventually got a loan out to pay it off.

The electrics in the kitchen went! Happy day! That cost me 120 to fix. Or at least it will do as I haven't been paid yet and can't do it until then. The thought has been put forward that as Mother is technically a landlord she should cover it, but we all know that's not how life works.

And finally in my roundup FWB.... I'm deeply, deeply unhappy with him at the moment. We have hardly spoken since the champs and it was assumed that I was running his dog at the indoor flyball, which I don't mind doing, but you know, it'd be nice to be asked. He wanted to come to agility and I ended up mentioning my bailiff drama to him and he lectured me about how it wasn't my problem.

Then the next day in a group chat, it came up about me running his dog and I lost my shit. I was tired from getting up, I'm run down from dealing with the toiletting issue. I don't get in to chill most night until at least 8.30 as the longer days and commute means I don't get home until 6.30 and I still need to walk the dogs, try and implement some training with the collie, ride, take Hero to agility, the collie to obedience, plus looking after The Brat and the house. I just snapped.

I tried to tell him how I felt and he told me I should have told him all the problems I have at the moment. But seriously! Why would I do that? We haven't spoken since the Champs really, I'm not going to message someone out of the blue and tell them my woes when there is nothing anyone can do but me to fix it and there's nothing I can do myself.
He didn't get it.

He's been winding me up by calling me stroppy in front of people, making comments to them that he knows nothing about my life anymore. But things are different now to how they were this time last year. He has a GF. I would be wrong to message him 24/7 as we did before and that anyway just confused me as it's relationshippy and that's not what we were. The distance needs to be there.

I found out that he had put pressure on a kid I know a while back. She's 19 now, he's nearly 32. This maybe ended last May or August. So in between our little things. She never slept with him, but she did things and he put pressure on her and caused problems with her family.
She says its ok, she wouldn't have slept with him cos of the age (got her head screwed on this one!) but at the same time, he picked her up and took her back to his.
I'm deeply uncomfortable about it. It's almost predatory and to keep on at her when he knew it could cause a lot of problems at flyball and was causing problems with her at home. She might have been legal but that's not right.

And I'm uncomfortable with the things I know about him and his GF doesn't. I feel she needs to know that he was still trying it on with me, that when she was in hospital, he moaned and moaned about lack of sex. That the only reason he didn't have a threesome at the champs was cos he was so drunk he couldn't get it up (can't remember if I mentioned this or not. Anyway, I obviously wasn't involved, other than beg him not to do it).

I have no solid evidence though. And it was pointed out that my telling her would not only lead to issues between me and him (don't care at this point) or could easily be twisted into me being a spiteful, jealous, vindictive brat. So I have to keep quiet, unless I find out otherwise, and even then I would need it in a text or something, something physical. He's invited her to the flyball xmas do. Hard, so hard.

I don't understand it. He could be the nicest, most generous person ever so what is this pathological need to constantly screw things up? Sometimes I wonder if he has something like sociopathy.

Anyway I've been in work for nearly an hour now writing this down so I should crack on.