Looking at stats lately a lot of page visits come from Russia. Instantly my thoughts go to Welshy. It's now two years since I woke up and he suggested we should split up.
I miss him terribly. I miss the friendship and I miss having someone who has my back. I wish I had someone to talk to at home, to vent to, to share my glee at Dog running well, at a good ride. I miss physical contact, holding hands, leaning into someone, hugs.
I know it had reached a natural end but there's still that bit of sorrow that someone who was so important to me for so long has now become a stranger to me and its like another bereavement.

Been a rough week. Faced a disciplinary Friday, Stupid Charbs has spent too long at work using the internet for things other than work and they're trying to twist it and say its why a certain project is behind schedule.
While I hold my hands up and admit to being a bit cheeky about doing things online that really I should do at home, I refuse to take the blame for this project.
Apparently my boss knew the importance of having completed the project by this winter three years ago. I only got sent on the intro course Feb this year, only got the paperwork May, only got online to do it July.
I had three weeks off sick, two weeks holiday. If she knew the importance of this course why didn't she get the log in details when I was off?
I only found out end of October that it needs to be done by end of year and there was such shock I genuinely don't think its not that I've forgotten it, but that I didn't know.
My boss is alright but has moment when she's not approachable, I'd been told various other projects had priority and nothing I do is quick and easy.
I work through my lunch break and the 15 minutes throughout the day (total) that I judged I spent online balanced it out.
I can see why it looks damming, but bloody hell.
They threatened me with the sack, I'm being thrown to the wolves for my boss dropping the ball and not telling me how important it was. Just gotta sit and wait. I'll take whatever punishment they deal out for me being online but I refuse to take the blame for this particular project being behind schedule.

No blog last week. Naughty Charbs.

In my Defence I was at a dog comp on Sunday and by time I got home I just wanted to watch a spot of Blue Planet 2 and go to bed.

was at a comp yesterday too. Plan was to go up Friday and have a decent sleep so I didn't have to drive to cambridge for 7.30. Yeah. Me and One Night Stand drank wine until 3am. I was ruined.

Kinda sad as I wouldn't have minded messing about a bit but it was never suggested. Think that little adventure is over anyway now.

Anyway, was up with 3 hours sleep and struggled manly through the day. It was a really long day, I think i'd have been tired even without the drinking - Morning races didn't stop until 3pm! (all the threes Saturday... very odd!) Anyhoo it was 9.40 by the time I got home and really driving was a bit fraught as I was so tired. 

I think I'll book to stay saturday night when we go up again in Jan, even if there's no late night the day before it was a bit worrying like I said driving back.

No blog last week - went to a halloween party in Whitstable. Really good night. Slaved for ages making a lovely cake.

This week has been full on - I ended up being investigated for too much internet use. My boss is trying to use this as a reason to blame me for not doing this quality award mark thing I'm supposed to be aiming for, but thing is. She knew about needing this award for funding for three years, I got sent on an introduction afternoon in February. It was June when I got the book, a lot of it I don't really understand as she deemed the three day course to learn how to do it properly unnecessary.
A lot of what I need is confidential and she doesn't want me to have access to it which is fair enough.
Anyway. I'd cracked on and then put it down mid July to plan Fun Day 2017.
Problem is I then had three weeks off cos of busted leg. She then was away the first week I was back and then spent the next two weeks stressing about a buisness plan.
I was off two weeks in Greece and suddenly its now the start of November and I'm told that if we're not qualified by year end we lose 18k's worth of funding.

Gee thanks.

So bit of a panic trying to get it done.

Been riding, been to see Lolly. Oh I'm so proud of him and he's doing so well. Last week he had no voluntary movement of his leg. This week he showed us that he can bring his knee to his chest and was quietly pleased to announce he had been walking.

Still no arm movement and he's not entirely sure where the portion of his skull that they removed is (could be in his stomach, could be at Kings College, could be in Edinburgh) and he's not sure how they will treat his tumour but he is doing so, so well and I'm in awe.

TP is cracking on well with her cancer treatment - one more to go! She still has no idea where the flowers are from and is waiting to hear what her next steps are. It's all positive for her too :)

Greece was lovely, all my fears about travelling alone unfounded. Given huge confidence boost about doing it again.
Met usual amount of oddballs and got into odd situations - how many people can get locked into a bank, meet people who firmly believe in David Icke and watch "The Voice" with Greek Grandparents who don't speak any English?
Athens was fairly rough looking everywhere I went, not like Rome where you're just falling over old shit, there it seemed to be more located in one part of it.
Andros - arrived too late in the end to do anything - apart watch telly with the grandparents!
Mykonos, pretty and fun loving.
Santorini - drop dead beautiful at sunset. It had been a plan of Welshy and mine's to go for ages and i'm glad I went.

Now to live carefully a few months and resort out the finances.

Going to a party in Whitstable this weekend, and do have another dog show in wood green to sort out.

My lollypopkin is still very poorly in hospital. I mentioned last post that they were doing tests to investigate his stomach pain. I'm told they found a tumour and removed part of his bowel along with the growth. Fucking Cancer. Will go see him tomorrow.


Suddenly remembered TP and her own cancer battle and diverted to the flower website. I've been sending her secret flowers every month, she doesn't know they're from me! But I hope its giving her something cheery to think about and it makes me feel better as I can't be there as much as I'd like to help her out.

Reeling.

Am meant to fly out to Greece in a few hours. Not organised at all. Gonna run out of funds before its over.

My Lolly had a stroke last Saturday. One of my old NMM friends, the guy I went to Rome with earlier this year. I had a message on Wednesday from G another mutual friend, he had a message from an unknown number saying that Lolly was in the hospital in intensive care.
Tried to text Lolly, no answer, suddenly remembered that he'd not contacted me after I wished him happy birthday which is most unlike him.
Messaged a few friends, just casual. "hey have you seen Lolly, he's ignoring me!"
Found out in intensive care after a suspected stroke. Not expected to make it. No one knew where he was and no one had run around to find out.
I rang the QE, tried QM and then remembered that they don't have A and E, told another friend that it was a suspected stroke. He suggested the Kings College as they have specialist care there for stroke victims.
Rang through, such a drama as I couldn't remember his birthday or address but we got there. I rang back after work to check permission had been given to visit.

He was awful. Huge swollen closed eye, half his head shaved, other half hair sticky with sweat, hooked up to all the beepy machines and drips you see in movies. I was prepared for bad but that was awful. G held it together until we left before he broke down. I rang around everyone I could think of. No he doesn't want visitors to see him like this. Yes he was talking ok, but drowsy.
We went back the next day. Pretty similar. We didn't stay long as he's clearly very tired.

Went back up Saturday as paragliding was cancelled yet again. Moved out of critical care ward. Met his Mum for the first time! He's short and quiet, we were probably overwhelming him, mocking the hospital food that he was trying to eat.
He cannot yet move one side of his body but his eye was open and he looked less swollen. I'm still not sure of timeframe, but the latest one is that he was ill Friday (his birthday) got out of bed, fell. possibly had a stroke as he fell. They thought anaemia first of all. Went to one hospital, then another. Then ended up in Kings. Had another seizure/stroke there Saturday night.
The pressure on his skull was growing. They operated Tuesday to remove part of his skull to help combat this.

Now he's dry heaving constantly, vomiting. They're doing  CAT scans and endoscopies to see what the cause is.

Heartbroken for him. He's like a brother to me as they all are. Just holding on to all the improvements I saw in 4 days and hoping that in 2 weeks he will be alright.

In the end it went right down to Monday Morning for the Physio to give me the all clear.
I was under strict instructions not to run ANY of it, to use common sense about what obstacles to tackle and what ones to avoid and be tactical and rest at each stop.

Mrs Spaniel also was instructed not to pull me over (she ignored this - twice). and to take it easy as she has lost a bit of fitness as we've not been able to go out and about as normal.

It was incredibly muddy!! Some of the challenges the mud was up to my waist and dogs were given to the volunteers for their own safety.

My cunning plan of putting my contacts in, failed when I reached the venue and realised that - yes I did still have my glasses on. I weighed up the options of losing them/breaking them/adding blindness to my list of injuries and blindness won out.

This had the the added problem of not really being able to see where was safe to put my feet. My team mates were awesome and kept pace with me and another friend who suffers from back problems all the way around.

Mrs Spaniel (now that I have recovered from the pulling me over incidents) has been getting a lot of praise today - and allowed to sleep on the bed last night! She was an absolute star!
She did get a bit of separation anxiety when left with the stewards and fretted (noisily) about my safety as I attempted challenges.

Two challenges she was clearly quite frightened of. 
This tunnel was quite long, dark and pretty deep for a Spaniel (it wasn't that bad all the way through, just at the exit!) I asked her if she wanted to come, she considered it and then decided it was too much for her. She hovered at the end of the tunnel whining at me as I started to crawl through and I said to the steward to let her go as she would follow my teammates and their dogs. 
I'm told that she started to do this, then hesitated again, headed back to the tunnel start. Took a deep breath and tentatively followed me.

For the other again she was offered the opportunity to come into the large inflatable pool and go over the trampolines, into the water and back out again but once she saw the water she changed her mind. Again I handed her to the steward and started to scramble over.
I'm guessing she must have fretted, pulled and then the steward at the other end who was helping me out asked if that was my dog.

She'd got herself so far and then courage let her down and she was unable to get down and out the other end - naturally I carried her over and out and another big cuddle and lots of praise. 

Lots of love for my little dog. She had a whale of a time with her dog friends, getting lots of pats and cuddles from the stewards and a long exciting walk. Tail wagging all the way around. She's not the bravest dog in the world so to see her attempt everything, even if she just didnt want to be separated from me is really touching!

She's been absolutely shattered since. I've still got mud on me, I'm bruised, mystery scrapes all over my boobs, nettle stings up my arms and feeling very stiff and sore today but I'm so glad we did it. Very well organised with lots of water for dogs and people to support us all the way through with poo bag handovers, looking after dogs and taking photos. 

Now one week to go until my holiday that I cant really afford!

My week back at work has gone ok. The first day back - God it hurt! I did wonder if i'd been back a bit early but the rest of the week has been ok.

Physio again tomorrow and i'm hoping they tell me i'm ok for the muddy dog challenge and the holiday.

I did try to ride today. I can only manage a short burst as I can feel it pulling on my hamstring but good news! I did have a little movement in my ankle and knee to do things.

Its been a full on weekend for myu poor leg in all fairness. I attempted the 4 miles of Lullingstone which we normally do in an hour and a half at our slowest. This took us over two hours and I was pretty ruined by the end but at least we got around which is all good news for the sponsered walk!

Training with the dog as well as riding and I was so knackered! out of the house from 8.30-2.30.

Made some cakes and really just spent the day mooching. It was nice to get ourselves back to something like our normal routine at last.

Now i've just booked the hotel for my stay in Santorini and the ferries I need. All that's left is to book the hotel back in Athens and the ferry back there but I'm losing the will to live looking for hotels so we'll try that tomorrow.

Felt a bit lonely this weekend. I kinda wonder how it'd be if I was the one to make the move on One Night Stand guy. Would that make my loneliness worse driving back from Gravesend after that quick fuck? Probably. The whole casual sex thing I can do and that's fine but what I really want is what most people want really and that's companionship.

I didn't blog last week as I didn't really do much. I got to see a Physio though! Given lots of exercises and there's been some improvement in a week alone!
Was signed off for the week and mostly spent it sat at home. Mother came back Friday and we went to Bromley
Anyway One Night Stand guy got in touch and yeah I ended up having quick sex at his before I went to a dog comp on Saturday. While I appreciate him letting me know its purely sex I'd prefer it if he didn't drum it in repeatedly that he doesn't want to date me and it was a casual thing.
Is it wrong to say I'm using him like he is using me? We kinda did the casual thing once a long time ago (remember BB?) and it did kinda end tits up but I'm a different person than I was all those years back.
And the main key to sanity is remembering to not over think it and play it for what it is/was. It might happen again. It may not. Either way it was an experience!

Been so utterly, utterly fed up over the last week.

My leg is ruined. It goes from buckling on me to being reasonable. I went and got it checked out on Tuesday and they don't/can't see anythnig really wrong with it but have referred me to physio.
I wasn't to ride, or walk or really do anything on this week off from work. Which ruined all my plans.
I got the car MOT'ed which cost me 70 quid which did put me into a bad mood until I realised that they had cleaned it for me. The local car cleaners here refuse to do it and I drive to Bromley and it costs me about 40 quid to be done properly, seeing as I had that as my plan before it went in on Wednesday I consider that I am the real winner and it only cost me 30 quid (doesn't seem that bad really!)

I was going to see CL who is now on child 2!! as her and UDOBF (was that his full acronym? I can't remember now and i'm too lazy to check) were in Windsor except child no1 apparently vomited and ruined their car on Thursday. I had already set off by then so we went to Bluewater instead and I bought myself a lime green bikini for my holiday for a bargain 15 pounds!
Of course these two days of activity ruined my leg for Friday and quite honestly knackered me so I've had a lot of naps.

Dog and I were at a comp over the bank holiday and I had to get someone else to run her but we did get two 3rd places which is awesome.

I've booked some hotels for my holiday which is now 1 month and 5 days away and have already blown this months pay packet... ~I get paid in 19 days. Eeeep.

So fed up of this nagging ache in my leg, stressed about what i'll come into on Monday (although luckily there's only a week until she's away on her holiday for two weeks (and then two weeks till mine!!)

So frustrated as I feel i've achieved nothing with this week off. Resting it hasn't even helped fix my leg! I currently have so much supportive tape on it!

Well I've officially fucked my leg. Did too much on Monday. Saturday was our fun day and was on my feet all day then. Had to bounce down the stairs on my arse sunday as leg didn't want to bend.
Hamstring now. Sigh.

I just realised I'm being fucking ghosted or whatever the kids call it nowadays.
I sent him a funny story about how someone from one of his favourite bands got left behind at a supermarket.
Nothing.

I dont harass him all the time. Fuck no. I sent him a message two weeks ago saying that I missed being friends. Nothing. I get that. That's ok. He knew I was drunk, perhaps he thought it best.
A message a week before that, he replied briefly. He had messaged me the day before. And then the week before that.
We're friends and I get that. I wish we could be best friends still and I get why we can't. But how can you just stop talking to someone you spoke to everyday for 10 years?

We speak briefly perhaps weekly in the year or so its been. He has friends he speaks to on a daily basis what with What's App and FB messenger and that.

Well I've had it made abundantly clear what with the lack of birthday greetings. Fuck you Welshy. Fuck you and it hurts more than I thought it would. This is what I was terrified off when he left me in Russia. This is what I've been preparing for, for the last year.

Reasonable day out.
Not so reasonable return journey when train got diverted and train driver didn't let anyone know so ended up in Sidcup when I could have got off the train and still got the 89 at Lewisham.

Annoyed. Walked Dog. Stole money from Brat to treat myself to Chinese - I figure its ok as I do all his cleaning for him and generally keep the house in a reasonable condition.

Tried a run. Bit of a fail as really have over done it with the leg today. Still managed a 2k in 20 minutes. Hoping I can do it in a bit better time on Wednesday when my leg is a bit more rested.

Is it wrong that I'm a little upset that One Night Stand Guy messaged me to wish me happy birthday but my ex of ten years hasn't?
Isn't that the way its supposed to go? Or as its still supposed to be friendly between us you wish someone happy birthday? Don't know. Too confusing. Definitely a little pissed off and upset about it though!

Damaged my leg again running. Bollocks.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I booked the day off of work but now I kinda wish I was going in. Hit by bad case of the mopes.

I'm lonely. I realised that a long time ago. Long before that One Night thing in May. It's not so much sex I miss but its having someone having my back, someone to talk to after work and someone I can whinge and moan to when I've had a bad day and someone I can tell the silly little adventures I have.

I don't want to be single this time next year. I don't know really how people go out and meet people these days.
Even a friend with benefits situation would be better than this. That's not going to happen with any guy I know. Not with One Night Stand Guy.

I fear two of my male friends are crushing. I don't want this. Don't want them. Lolly is coming with me tomorrow on my day out. Is it wrong that I don't really want anyone around? That I don't want him there on my birthday? It makes a mockery out of everything I have just written above there.

Maybe I'm reading too much into situations that ain't there. Maybe I should just be glad of the company. Maybe he doesn't think like that. God I hope not.

Welshy is in Morocco. Then he will go back to Russia. I miss him. I miss our friendship more than I miss him as my partner. I drunk messaged him telling him as much. He never bothered to reply.

He is a stranger to me now and I spent most of that week in Russia crying as I didn't want that to happen but now it has. Alone and its so much harder to deal with than it was ten years previously when I had no idea of how to live differently. I think really that has caused a large part of my mopes not just the usual birthday depression. He has moved on and is happy again. I'm what? Stagnating? No. Last year was stagnating. Not going out. Isolating myself from my friends. This year I am a fucking social butterfly compared to that. Treading water? What am I doing with my life apart from still living in a place I hate, caring for people who always expect me to look after them but never realising I need help too.

I will not be single this time next year I repeat fiercely. But who am I kidding really?

Tired again.

Been a crazy week at work. Someone had a stroke! Never seen anyone so ill looking in my life! Thank God I remembered the GP was in upstairs.
Started training for our muddy dog run in September. I thought I was reasonably fit. I am not. I need to be able to run 5k. I can barely run 1k.

Last night we had a grand reunion of NMM staff. Not as many people came as I hoped but some of the old school lot that started with me did and it was good to replay that summer of 07 when I seemed to spend every weekend in the pub.

Got home at 3am and then up at 8 to go dog training. I should have done the horse too. I feel really guilty that I blew her off although its not so much of a drama now she's on full livery and I don't need to do mucking out.

Instead I went to lunch with some of the boys I used to go drinking with and then we hung out in the park. I feel so tired and definitely had a bit of a hangover this morning! Great night though. Gotta try and be careful now as its still a few weeks until payday and although bizarrely I have money still this month and I've brought all kinds of things it won't last the entire month and I do want to go see some museum exhibits on my birthday.

This week I definitely dont have much to talk about. The fear of wearing the dress has been removed as not enough people wanted to do the Russian evening.
I am a little disappointed in this - not the dress wearing side of things but it did sound epic fun.

instead there's talk of a murder mystery party at Port Lympe animal park in October which again would be loads of fun but i'd either have to come back afterwards or spend about a billion pounds on accommodation in their little hotel.

I dont really wanna go home as that means not drinking but neither do I have a billion pounds for accommodation!

I've made a huge fuck up and not actually ordered two of the attractions for this years fun day at work. Looking forward to the fall out from that tomorrow......

Been very tired today and not looking forward to going out bat hunting later. I just want a nap! Putting some of this down to working overtime yesterday although I was home by midnight and asleep by half past I guess!

Not too much to report on this week, been business as usual.
I realised not only am I down to £500 left to pay on the credit card due to the cock up, I also should have paid off one of the loans by March next year. Maybe sooner as the interest is also going down as I pay it off. So I'm predicting March, but may well be February (too much to hope for that it's January) and when that's done that'll be an extra £144 I'll save a month, so of course that will either go on clearing the original credit card if not already cleared or on the 2nd loan, although I only pay a piddly £40 a month on that, but sooner that's gone then yay! an extra £180 quid a month!
It's frustrating alright, but I needed the loans at the time so I can't think badly of them but will be very much more exciting when I have that spare money.

I booked the Athens part of my holiday with some overtime money that I got this month, and i'm hoping to do at least two of the hotels needed for island hopping in August and then it's just September to go and then i'm there in October!

Dog was promoted to a faster team yesterday for a competition. She ran really well and they were unlucky to finish 5th I thought, but double her normal amount of points to go towards her next award!

May well be promoted again for the next competition in August so if so then we'll definitely get the award in September. She's having a nice doze on the sofa next to me now.

Mum is getting 10k as a payout from my Great-Uncle dying and it will be interesting to see if any of that comes my way. After being broken-hearted that she only gave me 1k out of the preliminary 86,000 she was given for Nan and Granddad dying I'm not getting hopes up, but another 1k would remove the stupid Original Credit card debit and pay off the holiday.

The flyball team are thinking of having a russian themed (?) night out for Xmas (Can't believe thinking about that already in July) Sounds ace, with casino and disco and dodgems. Downside is that  believe its formalwear and *gulp* that may mean a dress.....

work has been a bit shit but bearable, looking forward to my time off in August.

Ha. A minute ago I thought i'd have nothing to write about but actually I do!

Too tired to do it last week so apologies.
Once again we had a flyball comp in Peterborough. The team ran really well and we were unlucky not to finish in 1st place but 2nd is pretty good as once again we were seeded 6th.
Took ages to get home - I dropped one of my teammates off home and it was 10.30 by the time we got back.

Monday I was walking the dog in the field where we normally go and I got taken out by another dog. I ended up going to the hospital Wednesday and it turns out I have damaged the ligament that runs along a knee and the tendon above my ankle.
Been hobbling ever since. I had a funny side effect to the painkillers the hospital gave me on Friday. Got really dopey and hysterical.
I spent most of yesterday watching the cricket and dozing, made it hard to sleep annoyingly.

Did flyball training today and my leg is achy but not as bad as feared so hopefully we're getting better!

Just checking in before I head to bed. This week work wise has been ok. Had to go in yesterday to run a bar. My boss royally cocked it up though and I'm wondering tomorrow how she might make it my fault. Not good when I find out I need to try and get Monday off so I can drive back from Peterborough as dog is racing Sunday.

Went to quiz as usual on Thursday - I had my 98 Playoff final shirt on as just been to keep fit, ended up at the end talking to two lads who were very excited about discovering I was a Charlton fan.
My friend Lolly who I was with however, was lurking unsure if he was needed to step in if I didn't want to be talking to them and also as I'd promised him a lift home.
Shame as it then stopped it developing any further.

Went out with him and some other NMM peoples on Friday evening as one of my friends is retiring. Somehow this week I've been charged with organising a 10 year reunion.

Just got back from a flyball comp, we were seeded last in our section but all dogs ran fantastically and we got third place.

Now trying to motivate myself to do my spic homework and waiting for the dryer to finish so I can go to bed.

Been a bit of an up and down week at work.

I tried to do a balance transfer on a new credit card and royally fucked it up. Sigh.

Last night I started to organise all of Welshy's things in preparation for him coming to collect them today. Only 18 months after we split!
Was feeling restless and mopey and that didn't help. Drank some wine and thought fuck it. Booked myself flights to Athens in October.

Such an idiot! I was struggling to find money to buy toothpaste today for Gods sake! Took the horse hacking today with another lady from the yard. We were out for hours! She was so good as well!

Had hoped to catch up with Welshy but he came while I was out and took his stuff and left. I don't blame him for this although I'm hugely disappointed. His brother had driven from Wales specially for it and as we discovered last week, its a hellish thing to do.