My week back at work has gone ok. The first day back - God it hurt! I did wonder if i'd been back a bit early but the rest of the week has been ok.

Physio again tomorrow and i'm hoping they tell me i'm ok for the muddy dog challenge and the holiday.

I did try to ride today. I can only manage a short burst as I can feel it pulling on my hamstring but good news! I did have a little movement in my ankle and knee to do things.

Its been a full on weekend for myu poor leg in all fairness. I attempted the 4 miles of Lullingstone which we normally do in an hour and a half at our slowest. This took us over two hours and I was pretty ruined by the end but at least we got around which is all good news for the sponsered walk!

Training with the dog as well as riding and I was so knackered! out of the house from 8.30-2.30.

Made some cakes and really just spent the day mooching. It was nice to get ourselves back to something like our normal routine at last.

Now i've just booked the hotel for my stay in Santorini and the ferries I need. All that's left is to book the hotel back in Athens and the ferry back there but I'm losing the will to live looking for hotels so we'll try that tomorrow.

Felt a bit lonely this weekend. I kinda wonder how it'd be if I was the one to make the move on One Night Stand guy. Would that make my loneliness worse driving back from Gravesend after that quick fuck? Probably. The whole casual sex thing I can do and that's fine but what I really want is what most people want really and that's companionship.

I didn't blog last week as I didn't really do much. I got to see a Physio though! Given lots of exercises and there's been some improvement in a week alone!
Was signed off for the week and mostly spent it sat at home. Mother came back Friday and we went to Bromley
Anyway One Night Stand guy got in touch and yeah I ended up having quick sex at his before I went to a dog comp on Saturday. While I appreciate him letting me know its purely sex I'd prefer it if he didn't drum it in repeatedly that he doesn't want to date me and it was a casual thing.
Is it wrong to say I'm using him like he is using me? We kinda did the casual thing once a long time ago (remember BB?) and it did kinda end tits up but I'm a different person than I was all those years back.
And the main key to sanity is remembering to not over think it and play it for what it is/was. It might happen again. It may not. Either way it was an experience!

Been so utterly, utterly fed up over the last week.

My leg is ruined. It goes from buckling on me to being reasonable. I went and got it checked out on Tuesday and they don't/can't see anythnig really wrong with it but have referred me to physio.
I wasn't to ride, or walk or really do anything on this week off from work. Which ruined all my plans.
I got the car MOT'ed which cost me 70 quid which did put me into a bad mood until I realised that they had cleaned it for me. The local car cleaners here refuse to do it and I drive to Bromley and it costs me about 40 quid to be done properly, seeing as I had that as my plan before it went in on Wednesday I consider that I am the real winner and it only cost me 30 quid (doesn't seem that bad really!)

I was going to see CL who is now on child 2!! as her and UDOBF (was that his full acronym? I can't remember now and i'm too lazy to check) were in Windsor except child no1 apparently vomited and ruined their car on Thursday. I had already set off by then so we went to Bluewater instead and I bought myself a lime green bikini for my holiday for a bargain 15 pounds!
Of course these two days of activity ruined my leg for Friday and quite honestly knackered me so I've had a lot of naps.

Dog and I were at a comp over the bank holiday and I had to get someone else to run her but we did get two 3rd places which is awesome.

I've booked some hotels for my holiday which is now 1 month and 5 days away and have already blown this months pay packet... ~I get paid in 19 days. Eeeep.

So fed up of this nagging ache in my leg, stressed about what i'll come into on Monday (although luckily there's only a week until she's away on her holiday for two weeks (and then two weeks till mine!!)

So frustrated as I feel i've achieved nothing with this week off. Resting it hasn't even helped fix my leg! I currently have so much supportive tape on it!

Well I've officially fucked my leg. Did too much on Monday. Saturday was our fun day and was on my feet all day then. Had to bounce down the stairs on my arse sunday as leg didn't want to bend.
Hamstring now. Sigh.

I just realised I'm being fucking ghosted or whatever the kids call it nowadays.
I sent him a funny story about how someone from one of his favourite bands got left behind at a supermarket.
Nothing.

I dont harass him all the time. Fuck no. I sent him a message two weeks ago saying that I missed being friends. Nothing. I get that. That's ok. He knew I was drunk, perhaps he thought it best.
A message a week before that, he replied briefly. He had messaged me the day before. And then the week before that.
We're friends and I get that. I wish we could be best friends still and I get why we can't. But how can you just stop talking to someone you spoke to everyday for 10 years?

We speak briefly perhaps weekly in the year or so its been. He has friends he speaks to on a daily basis what with What's App and FB messenger and that.

Well I've had it made abundantly clear what with the lack of birthday greetings. Fuck you Welshy. Fuck you and it hurts more than I thought it would. This is what I was terrified off when he left me in Russia. This is what I've been preparing for, for the last year.

Reasonable day out.
Not so reasonable return journey when train got diverted and train driver didn't let anyone know so ended up in Sidcup when I could have got off the train and still got the 89 at Lewisham.

Annoyed. Walked Dog. Stole money from Brat to treat myself to Chinese - I figure its ok as I do all his cleaning for him and generally keep the house in a reasonable condition.

Tried a run. Bit of a fail as really have over done it with the leg today. Still managed a 2k in 20 minutes. Hoping I can do it in a bit better time on Wednesday when my leg is a bit more rested.

Is it wrong that I'm a little upset that One Night Stand Guy messaged me to wish me happy birthday but my ex of ten years hasn't?
Isn't that the way its supposed to go? Or as its still supposed to be friendly between us you wish someone happy birthday? Don't know. Too confusing. Definitely a little pissed off and upset about it though!

Damaged my leg again running. Bollocks.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I booked the day off of work but now I kinda wish I was going in. Hit by bad case of the mopes.

I'm lonely. I realised that a long time ago. Long before that One Night thing in May. It's not so much sex I miss but its having someone having my back, someone to talk to after work and someone I can whinge and moan to when I've had a bad day and someone I can tell the silly little adventures I have.

I don't want to be single this time next year. I don't know really how people go out and meet people these days.
Even a friend with benefits situation would be better than this. That's not going to happen with any guy I know. Not with One Night Stand Guy.

I fear two of my male friends are crushing. I don't want this. Don't want them. Lolly is coming with me tomorrow on my day out. Is it wrong that I don't really want anyone around? That I don't want him there on my birthday? It makes a mockery out of everything I have just written above there.

Maybe I'm reading too much into situations that ain't there. Maybe I should just be glad of the company. Maybe he doesn't think like that. God I hope not.

Welshy is in Morocco. Then he will go back to Russia. I miss him. I miss our friendship more than I miss him as my partner. I drunk messaged him telling him as much. He never bothered to reply.

He is a stranger to me now and I spent most of that week in Russia crying as I didn't want that to happen but now it has. Alone and its so much harder to deal with than it was ten years previously when I had no idea of how to live differently. I think really that has caused a large part of my mopes not just the usual birthday depression. He has moved on and is happy again. I'm what? Stagnating? No. Last year was stagnating. Not going out. Isolating myself from my friends. This year I am a fucking social butterfly compared to that. Treading water? What am I doing with my life apart from still living in a place I hate, caring for people who always expect me to look after them but never realising I need help too.

I will not be single this time next year I repeat fiercely. But who am I kidding really?

Tired again.

Been a crazy week at work. Someone had a stroke! Never seen anyone so ill looking in my life! Thank God I remembered the GP was in upstairs.
Started training for our muddy dog run in September. I thought I was reasonably fit. I am not. I need to be able to run 5k. I can barely run 1k.

Last night we had a grand reunion of NMM staff. Not as many people came as I hoped but some of the old school lot that started with me did and it was good to replay that summer of 07 when I seemed to spend every weekend in the pub.

Got home at 3am and then up at 8 to go dog training. I should have done the horse too. I feel really guilty that I blew her off although its not so much of a drama now she's on full livery and I don't need to do mucking out.

Instead I went to lunch with some of the boys I used to go drinking with and then we hung out in the park. I feel so tired and definitely had a bit of a hangover this morning! Great night though. Gotta try and be careful now as its still a few weeks until payday and although bizarrely I have money still this month and I've brought all kinds of things it won't last the entire month and I do want to go see some museum exhibits on my birthday.

This week I definitely dont have much to talk about. The fear of wearing the dress has been removed as not enough people wanted to do the Russian evening.
I am a little disappointed in this - not the dress wearing side of things but it did sound epic fun.

instead there's talk of a murder mystery party at Port Lympe animal park in October which again would be loads of fun but i'd either have to come back afterwards or spend about a billion pounds on accommodation in their little hotel.

I dont really wanna go home as that means not drinking but neither do I have a billion pounds for accommodation!

I've made a huge fuck up and not actually ordered two of the attractions for this years fun day at work. Looking forward to the fall out from that tomorrow......

Been very tired today and not looking forward to going out bat hunting later. I just want a nap! Putting some of this down to working overtime yesterday although I was home by midnight and asleep by half past I guess!

Not too much to report on this week, been business as usual.
I realised not only am I down to £500 left to pay on the credit card due to the cock up, I also should have paid off one of the loans by March next year. Maybe sooner as the interest is also going down as I pay it off. So I'm predicting March, but may well be February (too much to hope for that it's January) and when that's done that'll be an extra £144 I'll save a month, so of course that will either go on clearing the original credit card if not already cleared or on the 2nd loan, although I only pay a piddly £40 a month on that, but sooner that's gone then yay! an extra £180 quid a month!
It's frustrating alright, but I needed the loans at the time so I can't think badly of them but will be very much more exciting when I have that spare money.

I booked the Athens part of my holiday with some overtime money that I got this month, and i'm hoping to do at least two of the hotels needed for island hopping in August and then it's just September to go and then i'm there in October!

Dog was promoted to a faster team yesterday for a competition. She ran really well and they were unlucky to finish 5th I thought, but double her normal amount of points to go towards her next award!

May well be promoted again for the next competition in August so if so then we'll definitely get the award in September. She's having a nice doze on the sofa next to me now.

Mum is getting 10k as a payout from my Great-Uncle dying and it will be interesting to see if any of that comes my way. After being broken-hearted that she only gave me 1k out of the preliminary 86,000 she was given for Nan and Granddad dying I'm not getting hopes up, but another 1k would remove the stupid Original Credit card debit and pay off the holiday.

The flyball team are thinking of having a russian themed (?) night out for Xmas (Can't believe thinking about that already in July) Sounds ace, with casino and disco and dodgems. Downside is that  believe its formalwear and *gulp* that may mean a dress.....

work has been a bit shit but bearable, looking forward to my time off in August.

Ha. A minute ago I thought i'd have nothing to write about but actually I do!

Too tired to do it last week so apologies.
Once again we had a flyball comp in Peterborough. The team ran really well and we were unlucky not to finish in 1st place but 2nd is pretty good as once again we were seeded 6th.
Took ages to get home - I dropped one of my teammates off home and it was 10.30 by the time we got back.

Monday I was walking the dog in the field where we normally go and I got taken out by another dog. I ended up going to the hospital Wednesday and it turns out I have damaged the ligament that runs along a knee and the tendon above my ankle.
Been hobbling ever since. I had a funny side effect to the painkillers the hospital gave me on Friday. Got really dopey and hysterical.
I spent most of yesterday watching the cricket and dozing, made it hard to sleep annoyingly.

Did flyball training today and my leg is achy but not as bad as feared so hopefully we're getting better!

Just checking in before I head to bed. This week work wise has been ok. Had to go in yesterday to run a bar. My boss royally cocked it up though and I'm wondering tomorrow how she might make it my fault. Not good when I find out I need to try and get Monday off so I can drive back from Peterborough as dog is racing Sunday.

Went to quiz as usual on Thursday - I had my 98 Playoff final shirt on as just been to keep fit, ended up at the end talking to two lads who were very excited about discovering I was a Charlton fan.
My friend Lolly who I was with however, was lurking unsure if he was needed to step in if I didn't want to be talking to them and also as I'd promised him a lift home.
Shame as it then stopped it developing any further.

Went out with him and some other NMM peoples on Friday evening as one of my friends is retiring. Somehow this week I've been charged with organising a 10 year reunion.

Just got back from a flyball comp, we were seeded last in our section but all dogs ran fantastically and we got third place.

Now trying to motivate myself to do my spic homework and waiting for the dryer to finish so I can go to bed.

Been a bit of an up and down week at work.

I tried to do a balance transfer on a new credit card and royally fucked it up. Sigh.

Last night I started to organise all of Welshy's things in preparation for him coming to collect them today. Only 18 months after we split!
Was feeling restless and mopey and that didn't help. Drank some wine and thought fuck it. Booked myself flights to Athens in October.

Such an idiot! I was struggling to find money to buy toothpaste today for Gods sake! Took the horse hacking today with another lady from the yard. We were out for hours! She was so good as well!

Had hoped to catch up with Welshy but he came while I was out and took his stuff and left. I don't blame him for this although I'm hugely disappointed. His brother had driven from Wales specially for it and as we discovered last week, its a hellish thing to do.

Its so hot out there today!

I drove to see TP and TJ, poor TP. The growth has doubled since diagnosis three weeks ago and they're rushing forward with chemo.

She's being so brave bless her but is also so worried about it. I hope I managed to distract her slightly.

Also got chance for quick catch up with H2 which was great but again I wish I could have stayed longer.

I really don't know how Dad managed to do it in the same day. Went up Thursday and drove back Friday and it nearly killed me!


Supposed to have been paragliding yesterday but spent most of 4 hours sat in a field waiting for wind to pick up, gave up at 5pm and went home.

I'm going to see my friend Babbs in a bit for a quick pint as that's what hot Sunday's are made for!

Discussed it a bit more with One Night Stand guy - will need to give him a better nickname if he sticks about.
He'd clearly be up for more casual nothingness. I'm not. Different if anything would come from it but its not gonna happen. Although I kinda feel like i'm cutting my nose off to spite my face, I know that I'd end up getting feelings. (Hell they're kinda there already. -can't be honest here, where can I be?) and then end up getting hurt. Didn't that happen (minus the sex) with BB all them years back?

So we're back mocking each other and acting like nothing has happened. Kinda odd lol. Least I've made a new friend out of it!

TP has been given the sentence of 6 months chemo and then an op. I feel so helpless, they're so far away. 164 miles away to be exact.

I'm going to drive up there with the dog Thursday. Spend the evening with them. Drive home Friday. This is the longest drive - bar the weekend I spent at Welshy's I'll have ever done. (205 miles) at least that I drove up Thursday, drove home Sunday. Bit more of a gap.

Not looking forward to it, looking forward to seeing them. Looking forward to the surprise. Wish it could be longer but need to do the horse and *gulp* potential paragliding Saturday.

Did I tell you about the paragliding? Yeah. Was supposed to do it over the bank holiday. Not enough wind so it was cancelled and I had a one night stand instead.

Seriously guys. That paragraph above. What the flying fuck is going on in my life?
This is such a year of adventure compared to last years broken nothingness. Not even sure i'm any better off money wise but still... ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

I tried to engage him in conversation twice this week and failed.
Hung out as normal at flyball, it was kinda obvious it was a one night thing but being the idiot I am I had to push it, had to ask him. Said he hand't thought about it all that much since.
Left it at that. At least I know. Still no regrets though, although I think I would have liked to have developed it a bit more. I doubt that'll happen now. Feel a bit cut up about that. So much better to be a blow up doll or a man - less feelings involved.

Busy day today, did horse, washed bedding, cut some of the grass, weeded roses, cleaned house. walked dog AND fitted in two naps!

TP finds out tomorrow what her options are. Will have to remind myself to text her and find out.

I don't really know what's happened this weekend.
So there's a guy that I speak to at Flyball, he's alright. Not my usual cup of tea as he's a bit fit and I like cuddly guys, we've spoken off and on this year, just casual passing the time stuff.

Anyway our Flyball team organised a BBQ, it was loads of fun, silly games, a bouncy castle and lots and lots of drink. Lots.

Come 11.30 and we're the only ones still up, so we sit and talk, and drink, and talk and drink and then he says he wants to sleep with me. There and then.

Not too keen on that idea but then its 5.30 and we end up fooling about in the back of his car. He then goes to sleep and i'm left questioning my life choices, attempting to nap in the back of my Focus and looking after his two dogs that we kicked out of the car.

Anyway, he ends up messaging me later in the day and I've just woken up and come back from a hotel in Bexleyheath.

I'm not seeing this as anything other than what it was but 16 months is a long time to go without and if guys can do it, then why can't I can do it - taking obvious precautions - then fuck it. Judge me all you like. It's not something I'm going to make a habit out of that's for sure though. I'm too old for this shit.


Anyway. It's taken me all week to process the fact that the wonderful, lovely TP has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's 33. Next Friday they make a plan as to what to do with her. I can't imagine what she's going through and I've been there

First week without boss gone ok I think. We'll see how we get on this week.

Bit of a horrid end to my week when I took V and Dog out for a hack. Went very well, happy little trot about the fields but then on way back Dog went into neighbours field and got stuck by chicken wire, before I could turn V about to take dog back to the chicken wire free bit she bolted into the yard and got attacked by a staffy type.

Horrid. All I could hear was her screaming and by the time I got out of the bridleway there was Dog on floor being shook by Staff. People booting it and kicking it and it had just locked onto her.

V thankfully stood like a rock for me but all I could do was call for Hero. She had two little puncture marks but went a bit downhill yesterday which made me really fearful for her.

but after a hairy few hours I managed to get food and painkillers into her and now she's ok. Took her to flyball but didn't run her, just checked her reaction to the other dogs and then up to the yard for a mooch about.

It tired her out poor old thing and she's slept most of the afternoon, took her for short whiz about the field to meet other dogs and check reaction there and although wary she's ok, sleeping again now though!

Mother has been home this week on jury service. Tiring having her here but also nice to have a human to talk too, even if its just constant exhaustion.

I'm trying hard with her, to be more tolerant. I just think we will always rub each other up the wrong way unwittingly.

Horse a lot more settled in new home this week, had a potter amongst the field, had a small jumpie and some reasonable canter leg yields. Wish she'd settle enough to let me organise tack while on her.

Took Mother and Dog to paws in the park for friendly flyball comp. We got eliminated for running too fast! ooops!

Been talking to a new friend online, a guy that comes erratically to flyball, will anything come of it? who knows? He's nice enough so either way a new friend.

Going paragliding in two weeks and my boss is now off for three weeks having an op so hoping for an easy time of it.

Not too much to report about this week. V got moved to a new yard so I've been playing down country lanes. Bit on her toes but today was the first settled day. I'd like to try and take her for a hack in the next week or two.

Mother is back for jury service. Almost right away she was putting me down in front of the neighbours about the state of the house and garden. I try my absolute best, I really do but there are only so many hours in the day.

Wants the 100 quid from me, that she promised me for missing out on overtime to get her and him last time they were both back. Forgotten that one.

I got a parking ticket. yay......

Dog and I have been in Wycombe flyballing over weekend - second place. Yay! Saw red kites! Wowie!