Urgh. Welshy is going to be home for a week and then away for another month. I agreed with him that it was ok for me to look for work outside of London.
Starting to fret about my dwindling funds so have started (reluctantly) to do signing on form. Hopefully will not need it.
Went to a Go Ape with E and her eccentric family on Saturday. I wish mine were like that. Taking her mum for a day out. Friendly banter. Nephews, Aunts, sisters.
I have been rejected from any more flucamp trials for the time being which is sad!
I have an interview tomorrow and will be crossing all fingers for that.
V's owner suggested we go hire a show jump arena to play with and I've booked myself another much needed McTimoney treatment.
I have - also and please don't mock - booked to see a psychic, it is something I've been curious about for a long, long time. I am healthily sceptical and I figure to see it more as a counseling session. Perhaps an outsider can come up with ideas to fix the mess my life is in.
Anyway, I shall report back on that and on my interview later in the week I guess.
And after this I shall cut back on spending and save some pennies!

I think this edited version of fb chat is as good as its going to get!
Excitingly this can be scrolled down. Seriously Remember when I was completely unable to put photos on here and had to get an external link for comments? Yay Technology!

anyway i am driving 7-9. why not come back after that and we can talk and get things sorted? I've done my talking you can leave my key in the jerry can and I will let myself in later on thats not really being grown up is it? all i'm saying is the punishment works both ways its not like i'm singling you out It is as am not done till 11 and no to the none rent for a week that can piss right off why is that so unreasonably? unreasonable? surely if the house is tidy then it will never come into effect? Don't really care but am not down with it and that's it but then thats you being childish and not me? i'm not down with a lot of things that happen in this place but i'm expected all the time to put up with it Fine what ever than so. basically i'm expected to tidy up constantly after you? No I've said I will improve on that the the penatly no fucking way but you have to admit not a lot changes ever? i mean you say i did tidy before you had a chance but there was rice all over the surfaces monday and i still had to do a full load of dishwashing and cleaning of surfaces and anyway, it should never be at the stage where you plan on cleaning before me. it should just happen organically as soon as a mess is made, not left to the last minute anyway. you might as well come back we all know mum would get rid of me and let you stay rather than the other way around. she has told me as much, that if you don't come back i might as well go apparently i'm only allowed to stay if so i can tidy after you which is why i got angry. so how about we compromise? we start the rosta. and if in a months time nothing has changed then we instigate the rule yeah? Ok but not saying not pay another's rent that's all this has been about I. The first place for me so just leave the key in the jerry can so when am done I can let myself in and sleep alright so we're agreed. we give the rosta a chance and if its not working then we do the rule? Yer ok not be saying on to the rota rules we can workout when am off work thats fine Chat conversation end Seen 18:24

Such a stressful day!
URGH!
Left for my theory driving test. I planned to arrive with 15 mins to spare and a 7 min walk to find it. Good old public transport let me down. I arrived with 5 mins to find it. Got lost. Did lots of running. Arrived at wrong place. Did more Running. Got there 15 minutes in, unable to breathe, verge of tears and exhausted.
Anyway I passed - by 1 mark - not bad for no revision!!!
Came home and ended up having a steaming row with The Brat. He accused me of being a dictator and a cunt. Told me I was as bad as him. WHAT?!
Threw his house key at me and stormed out. I cried hysterical tears for about 5 minutes and then taking H2's advice have spent the last two hours applying for jobs out of London.
Fuck this shit.

Salzburg was lovely! So pretty and I love how easy it is to travel about there! Nice to catch up with Welshy too. I went and trotted up to the fortress and around Mozart's house and we went underground to a salt mine with slides and boats!
Massive ice creams and the most random zoo!
I came home and instant despair. Two lots of dishwashing to be done. I didn't go to football cos the house was so messy and I was so stressed about the birds not being fed/watered (only one dead and I guess it had been there a while due to lack of head.....)
I tidied thoroughly and then utter despair today to see mess everywhere again.
I cracked. I shouted at him. He stormed out. I made a rosta and emailed it to mum and Welshy. I plan on talking to him about it when he gets in.
One of the rules were that if someone forgets their week then they don't pay rent that week. Considering I don't think he flushed the loo all week I don't think that's unreasonable.
Mother thinks so. Unsurprisingly.
Things are esculating quickly. I expect to find myself homeless by the end of the week......

OH I had a job interview today! More important than before I get a job now!!!!

Just in my way up to the airport so I can go see Welshy. Pretty excited about it
. Yesterday I went to the nmm to see G one of the n.m
M..c.a.s.c (on phone apologies) to drop my ticlet for him to lend to his mate. Anyway. I got there for 12.30 but it was 4 by the time I found him. Too many people to stop and chat and catch up with!
Then a bit of a blast from the past when Flash told me he was local so we had some cheeky drinks and a nice catch up on life since blogging - well since he stopped.
Feeling good :-)

OMG!!! Just realised this is my 10yr blogger-versary!!!
Much love to my old school blogger friends, most of whom seem to have grown away from blogging and who's lives I follow on Facebook now.
Love to the old commenters R and co who I never knew.
And love to the few real life people who I shared this with. Welshy. H2. Red Squirrel.
And love to people I only know through blogging. Weenie, Alecya, Cody Bones.

If there's anyone out there who reads this now who would like to say hi and share in some cake please feel free. I'd love it. I know you're out there.

But equally its cool if you don't and carry on worshipping me from afar.

Pretty busy little day today. Had a gym session - scales say I lost 2kg! Considering I've hardly been last two weeks through a bad back and then leaving my pass at the stables this week I'm impressed with that progress in a month.
I suppose it could be more if I ate sensibly in the meantime. I'm not exactly dieting or calorie-counting but I am monitoring what I am eating with an app on my phone (phones do so much now days *said in old woman voice*) and I find that is preventing me from going to Greggs and buying cream scones!
Not that there will be much visiting Greggs any more! I now have left the national diabetes charity amid much dismay from the team that I worked with. I genuinely think they would have preferred me to stay and I got a lovely card from them all.
Absolute disaster however when Royal Mail lost a passport and wedding certificate that a lady posted to me. Its not my fault and I'm completely blameless but yet feel incredibly guilty about it!
Anyway, after going to the gym I washed all my bedding, woke a grumpy and sleepy tortoise from hibernation and fed the birds. Mum's friend W came over and he took me to the pet shop and I brought a large outdoor pen for him to go and frolic in, I cut some of the grass to go along with it and then dug out a bit of the top soil. Tomorrow or Monday I plan to go and buy some gravel and little plants to go into his pen and then he just needs a new dry house and he will be a spoilt tortoise with a summer home!
Riding tomorrow and all being well it shall be another hot sunny day so I can do some pole work and jumps on my lesson.
Off to Salzburg on Tuesday! I wish Welshy was back today but this is better than no Welshy!

Had an interview today. Went ok, clearly as stupid as the first jokers I worked for. I told them i'd only work for them if it was more than I got with my last job. I clearly aced interview though, we'll see what happens. Am pretty indifferent.
Went to the prescreen of my medical trial, had a blood sample taken now to wait 3-4 weeks to see what happens next.
Welshy isn't coming home next week. Someone he worked with had a grandparent die so he stepped into the breech. I'm gonna go see him though. Not been to Salzburg before so that should be nice. It looks really pretty and I can step into Germany too to wrack up another country. :)
Lovely sunny day today and tomorrow is my last day with the diabetes charity which is a shame. I will miss the bookshops!

I think I'm really spinning into a bad time. I feel distance from it all, mild irritability at everyone. There was nothing for me to have for breakfast or lunch today. Had to eat out. Mother told me to eat Boys crumpets. I refused. That makes me as bad as him and I will hold onto the moral high ground as much as is possible.
Did little work today, dicked about online. Tried to get Welshy to show some enthusiasm in a groupon deal to get SAGE qualifications.
Failed as I knew I would.
Confirmation of my blood test for the medical trial.
Came home, sat in the bath and read an entire book for two hours. Came out and then tried to get my shit together for riding tomorrow. Except there's huge tears leaking from my eyes. Because I can't find my black jods? I don't know. I have at least two other pairs of jods.
Huge tears, without sobbing and pain in my chest and stomach. I feel like I've eaten too much junk and am going to be sick.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to be one of those people who sail through life without any problems or dramas. I wish that was me and I feel bad cos hundreds of people the world over would wish to have the life I live.
Urgh. I will go to bed early and then hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. It will be a better day because I will be going riding and it means Welshy will be home in 4 days.

I have an interview lined up for Thursday and I plan on doing my blood test for this trial as well then.
Mother is home but plans on going away again come Wednesday. Temporarily halting my job search just until I know what happens with this, if I will be locked away for two weeks.
I went up to Derbyshire yesterday to see TP. We had a lovely stroll with her dogs around Chatsworth Estate. Ended up telling her more than I wanted to about all the dramas that have been going on.
God I love the country, so wild and fields and woods as far as I can see when I looked out of my bedroom window this morning.
I wish Welshy could be convinced that its the way forward.
Lovely evening with her, and the dogs and mildly jealous that she can live in such a big house on her own on what cannot be a good wage.
Went across for the FA cup quarter final in Sheffield after that and the least said the better.
Home and there was no food for me, no food for breakfast tomorrow and nothing for my lunch at work.
Instantly putting me into depression.
I feel restless, lost somehow. I am doing this medical trial for me and Welshy. I plan on trying to do more/others. I hate medicine, resent taking my contraceptive pill (incidently its nearly 4 months since I misguidedly stopped it and nothing has happened. Should I go to the doctors? The one thing I'm fair confident about is at least I can't be pregnant but surely something should have happened now? More reason as to why I hate medicines, nasty chemicals in my body fucking it up.)
Of course I will counteract this by saying obviously some medicines are super important and essential but I try to even avoid taking paracetamol for a headache. Yet here I am preparing to lock myself away and be deliberately infected with an flu-like illness and then given some experimental drug to see what happens.
It is safe, I am sure of that. And I may get the placebo control stuff which will be vitamins at most.
Unfortunately I cannot see any way of making a change to the life we lead now and therefore this is the only way to go about it.
Selling my body for science.
I feel changed now. Feel I am even less carefree than I was before. I need change. And this is as good a way as any to make it happen.

Well I passed the first section of the medical trial, next step is to arrange a blood test. I'm still unsure how I'm going to pass away my up to two weeks in hospital. We'll figure that bit out when/if I get there.
If this works out I could get up to 3,750 quid for it. Which would pay for Mum's car should I pass the test, it would be enough for a horse.
Or more sensibly it would be a sizeable chunk for a deposit anywhere or be savings should it be ages before I get a job again.
I'm assuming that I will be going in 8 days time..... and no feasible interviews lined up.....

Another busy week. Riding. Gym-ing, driving, All going well, I'm still a bit struggling with getting over a new bout of loss of nerve after the rear the other week, but its ok.
Driving too. My stupidity meant I got the days muddled up that I was supposed to go do my driving theory test so that was 30 quid down the drain and unable to go again now for nearly a month.
Second lesson last Wednesday, practised bay parking and emergency stops, all went well, my old nemesis parallel parking went badly, not badly bad just not accurate and close to the kerb enough.
Went out with the N.M.M.C.A.S.C plus one to Leicester and had a lovely time with the boys ending in a bar drinking ice cream cocktails and beer on the way home.
Next Saturday I am going to see TP of which I am hugely excited about and then Charlton are playing Sheffield in the quarter-finals of the FA cup. I can see it being a game too far for us but it'll be a nice excuse to see TP and hang out with the boys.
What else is new?
Well I decided to put myself on the council housing list. I'm expecting to be turned down. In fact i'm 95% sure I will but its the only way of escape I can see at the moment.
I also applied for a medical trial so we'll see what happens there. Pays well for a week in hospital!
I have this week left at work and next as well and then I don't know whats happening. I really need to get some interviews lined up although its not through want of trying!
Welshy is home on the 15th and the end of the month will be a year playing with Vimto!

I am enjoying how busy my week has been. I've been doing something every night and this week looks like the same.
Riding didn't go as well. She did a proper rear on Friday which scared me and today was very windy and i was on edge from the other day so didn't push through it. But I didn't get off, so its a positive.
Football and we won and now i'm really looking forward to the game at Leicester on Saturday.
Found a few jobs to apply for and i'll crack on with those, they have long expiry dates so i'll leave them a bit longer so I can feel justified in adding this work now into the mixture.
15 work days left! Gotta get something lined up for it just in case it doesn't get extended.

So far it'#s been a good week!
Temping has been going ok, very quiet compared to what I've gotten used too, but I need that at the moment I think. Commuting has been predictably hellish but what can you do?
I went to the gym on Monday - Go me!
And riding was awesome, more canter legyields and spirals and shallow loops, lots to work on but yay.
I went for my "first" driving lesson tonight! Glad to know I hadn't forgotten most of it, my first night drive too!
Applied for a few more jobs and booked train tickets for me and the N.M.M.C.A.S.C to go up to Leicester next weekend!
Now I just need to get paid as I'm painfully aware I'm a bit poor lately!

A busy week, had a meeting with a temping agency and it seemed to go well and I have a meeting with a national diabetes charity tomorrow. Goes well and I start immediately for a 4-6 week temping gig. Money is the same as what I would have got at the last job so I don't lose out any and it will keep me running while I look for something else. I must remain focused on that so it doesn't creep up on me and I find myself with nothing to go to.
I rode this week and have been absolutely soaked each time. Good session with my trainer today which made me happy. I did a gym induction too! I went on Thursday but haven't been since. The plan is to try and go on the days I don't go play horses.
Welshy is away for a month now anyway so I need to keep myself busy!
Speaking of keeping busy I start driving lessons again this week! Thursday! And I booked myself into a theory test on the 26th.
I'm going to smash it this time.
We did some tidying and got drunk on Friday night. Daring each other to try a bottle of gin that expired in 1992.
Yesterday we went for a meal at Burger or Steak, the meal was ok, the setting was ok but the waiting staff were rubbish.
Very tired now and I need to do some revision for this so I am prepared for tomorrow.

The funeral today went reasonably well.
Luckily there was no dramatics and all very civil. I did a reading. Moment of panic when my script was different to Aunt G who was doing the other section.
Afterwards Uncle I gave me a ring. "To remember Granddad by." I don't wear jewellery and I don't need a ring to remember him. It is pretty nice to be fair though, garnet and zirconia. Red and White for football.
Where did the money to get it come from? Why didn't they give me something for Brat? Did everyone get the same thing? Too many questions.
Too nice to wear everyday even if I did wear jewellery and its slightly too big for me. I would lose it in a muck heap or something.
I had to hide it from Mother, will have to continue to hide it.

I got sacked on Wednesday. It was a little unsurprising but yet surprising at the same time. I get paid till the end of the month and can have a good reference.
I cried.
I'm trying to make this a positive thing. I was stressed there, constantly battling to hit the targets and please people that never could be pleased. Its one less thing to worry about.
On Monday I had to meet my Aunts and Uncles to talk Funeral. I felt guilty. I didn't tell Mother I was going. I felt that was for the best. They told me what music would happen, they previously said I could say a few words if wanted but it turns out they had written a script/terrible poem for me to talk about.
I don't care. I just want this over as painlessly and peacefully as possible.
Mother has taken my sacking well. I planned to just take it easy until Tuesday, after the funeral but of course she is busy fretting about the money she is missing out on from me and will continue to miss out on.
I got more fucking sympathy from my riding trainer who hugged me today.
I've applied for a few jobs, but yes. I'm tired, exhausted and speaking frankly. So stressed I've not had a period in 4 months - and I'm definitely sure I'm not pregnant!!!
This is positive. No more leaving the house at 7 and getting home at ten or even twenty past 7. I've booked my theory test. I have joined a gym. I will get another job soon - sooner than the last time I was unemployed I'm sure!
I will cram in as many driving lessons as I can in this period. I have applied for 9 or 10 jobs already and not even looked properly.
Tuesday I will make appointments to sign on, will speak to the recruitment guy who got me this job.
People kept phoning me previous to this bombshell to ask me to interview and I turned them down.
I will not cry and be weak.
I will not cry.

Just booked my first driving lesson in I don't know how many years. Fingers crossed this time we pass quickly and painlessly.
I also learned how to take blood this week.
Just the way I roll!

So let's list everything that's happened over the last week. Starting with family.
My uncle D has threatened to get mum removed as main carer and protector of finances for Nan. He does not think she did the best to care for either her or granddad.
He wants charge of her finances. My uncle J agrees. I dont know what uncle I wants.  Not sure after last Friday he will want owt to do with her ever again. Uncle M is sick of in-fighting and is keeping out and christ only knows what aunt G makes of all this.
So. Mother has run away to Grotty. I don't know when the funeral is and am probably not invited. She is convinced she will have to go to court.
Now work. Well I may not be in my job much longer and I hope its a over reaction but the meeting yesterday did not fill me with confidence.  I am not hitting my call time targets.  I have reached and exceeded all the others.  They are getting a girl to move teams. I fear replacement.  I fear unemployment.  Have started to make steps to look for another job just in case....

My lovely, insane, slightly racist, always funny, dog loving, football supporting, mildly alcoholic Granddad died on Saturday night. Midnight.
I will always remember playing with various dogs, trips with him and my Nan to various parts of the Kent countryside, playing in rivers, hunting butterflies, fishing with pint pots, climbing trees, early weekend walks with the dogs to Maryon Wilson Animal Park.
The lifts to School listening to Radio 5 and Jazz FM. The crazy football trips where he always found someone to befriend. The love that was never outwardly demonstrated. The loud screaming matches with my Nan where me, my brother and ex-police dogs huddled together. Remember growing strawberries, apples and tomatoes in the garden.
Remember how he could never remember my name, or my Brothers.
And sadly I think I will always remember him choking to death slowly and painfully. I was not there for his final moments. I slept exhausted most of Saturday. I did not want, couldn't watch those final moments.
Mother was there. One of her brothers was there and her sister. He knew I had been and that was enough.

Now I need to look after my brother. More revelations have startled and stunned me and I need to find a way to look after him and make things better for him although I don't know how.