I wish I had more money. There's currently a £225 body protector, top of the range and top of the safety league on offer for 40 online. I can't really justify a new credit card purchase as my bill at the start of this month was 850, plus I put 50 on for my cross country ticket and today I cracked and put 400 on it for my season ticket.
It will take forever to pay off so I need to be strict and remember that I already have a body protector, albeit over 10 years old and in need of replacement. (same with my hat really!!) Hopefully I'll be able to see another such good offer once the JSA comes and I can pay off some credit cardness

Went to Bromley for an interview today. Probably wasn't best to answer the question of "Why should I employ you?" With "Because I'm awesome."

Yeah. Good skills, Charbs!

Also. Disgustingly. I was on the road by the company and on the floor was a dead collared dove half grown chick and a pigeon. Not just dead, by falling whatever. No the heads were missing and just nasty bloody stumpy spines poking out of their necks. How gross. Someone/thing must have ripped their heads off. Wasn't an animal.

 I emailed the dental practise back regarding the second interview I went on and they're STILL considering their options.
Stupid company. Looks like I've failed in my vow to get employed by the time Welshy returns from Austria! (6pm tomorrow!!!)

Ho hum. ALSO! THIS time next month I'll be on my way back from Olympic Dressage. WHEEEEEEEE!!!!

Two more sleeps. Wheee!

Its been such a hot, humid and muggy day here. Up in the midlands apparently there's been storms and hail! And flash flooding! Its the end of the world. A Day when I should be preparing for my interview tomorrow has resulted in me planning a solo hacking route, visiting The Job Centre again and still getting no where with the money I need from them.
I went to see Granddad afterwards. Unfortunately it seems Alzheimers is catching and he is deteriorating rapidly. Not yet to the same extent as Nan (who I can no longer visit as she doesn't recognise me and gets agitated by that fact, so its not fair on her) but it will happen to him as well.

Positive news though. I have this interview, still waiting to hear back from the others, applied for a shitload more this week and heard from the twins who are going to Southend in a fortnight and want to meet.
And tomorrow marks one month until I get to achieve a life-long dream and go to the Olympics! And get to see three days of horsey adventure. I can hardly wait.

Also! Two more sleeps! Yay!

Hmmm.. I thought to myself. It's a bit sunny out, but cloudy. I'd best put some sun cream on.
So I coated the pony's nose and muzzle in it, while he tried his hardest to lick it off.

Did I think of doing it to myself? Fuck no. Am I paying the price now? Fuck yes.

4 more sleeps till Welshy comes home, hurrah!
Off to play with Sunnypony tomorrow! Double Hurrah!
Went to the shops and brought two bikinis and amazingly neon green bra and pants - triple Hurrah! (if only I had a holiday to go to!)
Got paid for my work trial, money not so drastically needed! Quadruple Hurrah.

Forgetting that I was supposed to sign on yesterday and finding out they refuse to give me any money until Welshy comes home and want to dock a weeks JSA anyway because of this??
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octruple (is that a word?) Boooo's!

Another interview lined up this week Whoop Whoop. Applied for another job as well. Still waiting for the one I had last week to get back to me. TBH am starting to think its a no go if they've not bothered to reply.
We went out on penalties. Such an average side.

I thought out of interest I should see what I've been doing on this day (or as close as) since I started this. (boredom avoidance tactic ahoy!)
Anyway.

This time in 2004, I was preparing to leave the house I shared with MH and CL. Incidentally the night before England lost to Portugal in Euro 2004! Postiga! Me and MH ended up in hospital after someone threw a bottle at her.
 The next day I learnt Dad's cancer was terminal.

A year later I was still unemployed, living at home, lost and lonely, missing everything and everyone I had left in Derby. Deeply miserable, not knowing what to do for the best. Who to help first. Longing for help myself. On the 28th I took another driving test and failed. I was wondering if this was as good as it got. Whether that would have been the highlight of my life.

2006 saw me working in The Health Food Shop that Shall Remain Nameless and Volunteering at the London Aquarium. I loved my fishy friends there! I was preparing for a promotion at work but never got it, on the 28th I went to The Tower of London. I'd just been to Derby and was bemoaning the fact that everything changed. H2 was pregnant! CL had just got engaged to UDOBF! It was another World Cup Year and me and Welshy had become friends and it was only months until his confession. Me and E were idly planning our trip to NZ and had been to Iceland and Ireland.

2007 and me and Welshy had gotten our act together and had spent the night in a hotel in Covent garden after a hugely random night out. I was working in the Museum as a seasonal after returning from New Zealand and this happened.

2008 and my world was rocked again with the news that my Granddad had cancer. I'd been to a Lock-in with Welshy and some of his friends. Blogging began to take a back seat as my days were full. Welshy moved back to London soon after.

2009 and I vowed to get out of a rut. the 19th of June saw me decide to re-enrol to take my Maths GCSE again. I made these vows.


1 - I will either own my own place or be living away from home.
2 - I will have that maths GCSE.
3 - And a horse.
4 - I'll have a good job to pay for said horse.
5 - I'm gonna go back to the old driving and very determinedly pass the damn test.


Well, so far I got the GCSE! The rest is up for debate!


I hardly posted in June 2010, but I was living in the Isle of Dogs with Welshy and Flatmates from hell. We'd been to India. and I was preparing for my GCSE exam. I'd fallen out with MH over a year ago and suddenly had heard that she was expecting a sperm donor child.

2011. Last year! I'd just returned from a holiday in the Lake District and been to R's wedding. What a fab night and holiday that was! I had no idea that three months time would see me pack up and move to Spain! I'd been accepted onto the MSc Course (Just finished the first stage of it! - Probably last stage as well!) and me and Welshy had booked a trip to Vegas!

What a nice way of looking back on everything and seeing my moods, interests and whims at the time!

So had my second stage interview and am still waiting to hear. First they told me it would be the day after the interview. Then the Friday. Now I'm wondering if I was rejected or if I need to be more patient and see what happens.
Still not got any JSA money. I'm starting to struggle for pennies. I have 70 quid left until the end of my overdraft. I desperately need that money to come in soon and the money I am owed for the week trial I did at Eurostars.
No idea when any of that will come through. Am assuming that the Eurostars money will come on Friday if its not stuck in limbo somewhere with the Natwest problems.
Have another meeting at the JSA on Tuesday, not the one I need before I can get any money off of them.

Welshy comes home on Saturday, am looking forward to it immensely. Its been nice to have that space but I miss him now, bothering me all the time.

Riding Sunny has been hit and miss, we had a lovely three hour hack a week ago and a really nice schooling session on Monday after my interview, we're working on teaching him half halts which is a way of getting the horse's attention, to pause and slow his pace momentarily and prepare for another change, either into canter or downwards. I really felt like he was starting to get somewhere and we had a lovely session.

Friday... Hmm. I learnt he doesn't like being ridden in the wind and the rain, he was very nappy and threatening to buck the whole time. I built some trotting pole exercises and tried to make it into a small jump just so he did something different and doesn't get bored of the same exercises but to be honest. It was just written off. He wasn't happy about being ridden and made it quite clear. He's a baby still and I need to make allowances for this, perhaps I should have taken him for a trot down the lane instead of forcing him.

I spent today making a nice table in Excel so I can chart his progress and what I plan on teaching him and things I aim to achieve with him each month (a jumping class, some countryside rides etc)

Handed my last uni essay in. I hope it gets a decent mark. I failed the previous essay. Yuck. Depression Central.

10 minutes to go and then this England game is heading to penalties.....

Things are good. Getting better. Had an interview last Wednesday. Just had email asking if I can come for a second stage interview on Monday, bit nervous about that as its an "assessment" apparently.
Had a lovely day hanging at the yard with Sunny yesterday. He's a lot better to ride although annoyingly nappy still when he sees the gate. I enquired into the possibility of someone showing me hacking routes. Looking forward to that.
I did cut my fingers to shit on his field gate which has now swollen and gone purple, very attractive when I have an interview to prepare. Hope it heals soon.
Welshy is still in Austria, been good to have him away, everything's gone a bit like it was originally when he was in Wales. Looking forward to his return though in two weeks.
 Met the boys for football on Monday and England play again tonight. Happy days.

Tedious apparently.

When I met you, it was clear that you were ill. Mentally ill. I pitied you, I recognised such things. Believed I could help. You tell me I did, that I taught you how to live life and enjoy it.
I'm ill too you know. But you tell me i'm self-pitying. That I'm tedious. I am. I realise this. I fight just as hard as you do.
Lately. I'm not winning. Maybe it's being back here. Maybe its the fear that you've never understood, but its suddenly paralysing me. I'm frightened. I had a panic attack last night about getting on a plane. I don't even have a fucking flight booked.
I see people in the street and I know I have done more than they have with their lives, that I have more to fight for. But I see other people, the old people shuffling down the road and I ache for them. I wonder if they remember the joys of skipping through puddles, and to go out with abandon. I pity the people who have nothing left and I am so scared that will be me. You know what I'm scared of. You've never understood it. But I fear the days that I have now, of nothing to leave the house for. No more holidays, No more adventures. No more friends. Of being alone. Of dying. Of dying alone.
I'm 28, I shouldn't be feeling this way. You know I have for a long time, since I was 9 when I realised I wasn't immortal.
Lately, this is weighing on me. A pain in my chest. I spent a day in bed in San Adrian. I wanted to tell you then, except I knew your reaction. Today, tonight I told you and I got the reaction I expected.
I cried. I cry now. I've grown soft and weak. I felt like I did when I tried to tell Mother about being unhappy at school and she told me I was worthless.
If I'm supposed to be able to tell you anything, then why do you react this way? I can't tell you. Sometimes I feel even though you're sat next to me, as lonely as I did before you come along.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being sucked into this black hole, of the way I get treated by the others in my family. You're right. I do believe I'm shit. Currently. I fought through this once, twice, many times before and I will again. But its hard. Hard when I'm treated like they do, hard when you tell me I'm too boring and dull now. The ways you try and motivate me it doesn't work. I just feel worse.
It doesn't help. You don't help. I suffer from things the way you do too. Remember that.

I really need to leave the house. Except I can't bear the kids off on their half term holidays. Today I spent the day looking up New Forest pony genetics. Not even remotely related to the uni course I'm doing (this month, Nutrition and Digestion).
I did apply for a few jobs today though, and started a new Jobseekers application.

Enjoyed a nap around 2pm as well.

Going to visit Sunny Pony again on Wednesday. I plan some hardcore schooling, am going on Sunday too. Hopefully I can convince Mother to come and either critique what I'm doing (she has some uses!) or to walk along with us if we go for a ride in the woods.
I fear that could be a bit naughty as he's not been out on his own before and doesn't like leaving his chums. So to have her there as something that he can take a lead from would be useful. Or to drag him along while I do pony club kicks and try to keep him moving forwards!

So I don't really know what to put. I'm not returning to the NMM. I can't really tell you why, Needless to say I've had a harsh lesson in internet naivety and trust.
Welshy was called up to go to Austria for a month by this company again last week. The thing about Austria is that its close to a lot of different countries. He'll be racking them up while I'm here counting pennies.
He also got a call on Friday from a recruitment agency wanting to pass his details on to a company in Richmond. Obviously he is in Austria for the month but we'll see if they get in touch upon his return.

Me? Well I've applied for a job with the Natural History Museum, still waiting to hear back from TFL and the Houses of Parliament job. I've spent most of this week, in an outraged funk, considering whether I can get in touch with citizens advice, or whether I should suck it up and move on.

I rode Sunny Pony on Thursday. He's a little dick of a pony. He put in a couple of little bucks as soon as I got him into the field and then was rude the rest of the time I rode.
I only popped on for 10/15 minutes. To be honest I was uncomfortable riding him, he'd not had any exercise apart from turnout for over two weeks. I did consider not getting on him, but felt obliged.
He did produce a few strides of good trot and we finished on a good note, where I was walking up back to the gate and he kept rushing back so, i'd turn him in a big circle and we spiraled our way back to the gate, by the end however he did walk sensibly up so we ended it there.
I had to be very forceful and rough with him though, because of his lack of manners. I hated that, I've never been a member of the "yank and kick" school of riding and especially not on a small pony just starting his training. But I needed to do it.
He's not dangerous, just naughty, having toddler tantrums in a hope that it means he can avoid work. I'm not soft enough to let him get away with this. THAT will result in a dangerous pony. Certainly not one that's supposed to be a child's first pony.

Oh yes. Yesterday Me and Welshy were discussing that if we managed to get work, we should go back to India for a week in the New Year and then a week on the Anaman Islands before moving on to Thailand for a week.

NEED WORK THOUGH!!!!!

Just two more days at that place to go. Today wasn't too bad, just deadly boring. I was taking card payments, a fiddly process.
Come Monday I go back to the NMM, and I can get my rosta and then plan a time to go ride Sunny Pony for the first time :)
Yay!
I got some good schooling books to give me some ideas about what to do with him, although I think to begin with I shall take it easy, do some inhand walks (he's never hacked out alone before), a little schooling and some bomb-proofing maybe. Let him get to know me, and get confidence in me.
I'm planning to arrange a lesson with the lady who broke him (isn't that a horrid word?) in next week. She rides at Advanced Medium Dressage and is a BSJA so higher than any instructor I've had. I'm hoping to learn loads off of her.
I can't wait for this week to be over. I'm a bit confused as I applied for a receptionists job but this week I've just done admin.
Ho. Hum.
Still I can put this into a CV and big it up for further job applications I guess. Welshy is home on Saturday from his adventure in remote Austria. It sounds quite nice from what he says. Only 2,000 people. It makes San Adrian seem a thriving bustling city.

Oh God. I really can't face the idea of going back tomorrow. Can you have a fake sicky from a work trial?

Let me talk you through today. I had to finish off my task from yesterday. Only my 164 pages bred overnight to become 214. I had to place a plain white sticker on all of these, and match the form up with the correct students registration form.
So I got stuck in, adding the stickers as I went. My potential boss didn't like that method.
"No you have to put the stickers on before."
"Why?"
"That's the way I want it done."
So I shrugged, silently fumed and stuck all the stickers together and then started to match them up. I was left with about 100 stickered forms.
"what shall I do with these?" Expecting a place to store them.
"Oh shred them all."
Wow. So that irritated me. Not only is it a huge waste of my time but its a waste of resources. Poor trees!

So my next task was to open the mail and organise it, so I did, my office handles all the post for four different centres. Again doesn't seem the most efficient way of running things but ho hum.

There was a Polish girl working next to me, taking payments. She had a massive stack of paperwork and seemed to be one of only two people in an office of 6 that could answer the phone. So I asked her what to do with them. She said to start by checking all the information was there, payment, passport photos etc.
So while I was doing that Potential Boss asked me to answer the phone if anyone was calling and the two girls were busy.
Which, you know, I don't mind, although I was a bit put out, that no one else seemed to answer the phone and that she hadn't given me any information about what to say on the phone to people.
So I asked Polish girl when we went to lunch.
After Lunch she asked me to make sure all these people from the mail were in the register for the right centres. So I did that, changing the paperwork from pencil to pen and adding in if I needed.
So I did that, that occupied me for most of the rest of the day, I felt good. I felt useful, I was helping her by answering the phone. I was getting work done. Proper work.
Then Polish girl had to take the banking away so Potential Boss decided to show me how to take payments. All going well, exactly the same as in Bookings at the NMM. Then after she'd taken the payment, she said about recording reciepts at the end of the day. Which seemed bad to me. I'd get confused. I'd put the wrong receipt with things. So I said why can't I do it as I go? Again seemed more logical to me.
"Oh no, that's not the way we do it."
Fixing me with a steely look.
She then looked at the pile that looked like it was threatening to engulf the table. Taking one piece and holding it between her fingers.

Turns out I'd been doing it wrong, had to record what course they were doing, any medical needs and write more stuff on. Also I'd stapled them together wrong. So I had to take it all apart, rebuild her pile.
She didn't believe me when I said I hadn't been told all this, that some of the mistakes weren't mine.

Oh and because of this, the whole office left work 10 minutes late. People were angry with me

New job.

So I knew it'd be a bad day when I smashed a button against my finger getting dressed. It stung like shit.
Trying to get things sorted to go to work, and mums decided that suddenly its drastically important that she goes and orders a moonpig card for her friend's birthday. Despite already having got her a card.
So she bitches that I was rushing her and making her flustered but I was in a hurry! I only needed to print a damn form but it made me late. 
I got the bus full of schoolkids. One decided to drip his ice pole all down my leg. From 11.30 - 4pm I shredded 23 bin bags of paper. Then Then I looked through 164 sheets of paper to find 6. I then had to go through the stack again and put stickers on.Then my bus drove past me on the way home.  
Tomorrow my task is to match all 164 pieces of paper with the students register details. 
Helpfully both sets of papers are not in alphabetical order.

Still Roast dinner for tea and then a nice bath. 

Oh Welshy is in Austria teaching supply English classes. So not fair.

Sunny.

So I went to see Pony today. He was adorable. A newly turned 5-year old Liver chestnut with white socks and a stripe.
His owners are complete novices but very sweet seeming. They seem to think that I'd be able to give them all sorts of advice - like an expert! - and be able to ride him through his problems.
I didn't ride him then, he was a bit footy. He def needs his hooves trimmed and being a native is at risk of laminitis, they also suspect he has a bit of sweet itch too.
They kept telling me all his bad habits - which really are nothing considering his age. He just seems a typical cheeky pony who's getting away with a few naughty habits despite their attempts to be strict.
Anyway, hopefully I'm going to visit him again in a few days and then we'll ride. He apparently has a bit of a buck on him! I've ordered some good schooling books online and am looking forward to pottering about the countryside on him. Maybe we'll even get some jumps sorted, once all his flatwork is established.

Job Hunting.

So we've been job hunting both of us. We went to Reed recruitment and they offended Welshy greatly by telling him he was unemployable.
We've had mixed success, the usual amount of more rejections than invites for interviews. But Welshy had two for a data mining job, that he found out today he didn't get and a phone interview to another place.
He signed up for a job teaching TEFL as a supply and has been offered a chance to go to Austria next week for the week. He's mulling it over.
Also he's been offered an internship at another language school starting on the 1st of next month. Not what he wants but its a start.
And me? Well I had an interview for a receptionist's job in a school in Lee Green, going on a week's trial for that next week. Its not filling me with joy tbh. Mainly cos the moneys not great and I don't like the idea of places telling me when I can and can't go.
The NMM has finally sorted out when I can restart there, I only did it a month ago! Moving quickly for them! Lol. I only want to do three days a week there to get money coming in and to stop myself falling into the trap there.
What else? Oh yes, I applied for a job for TfL working as a receptionist in the taxi section. This was a month ago and THEY'RE still considering their options as to who to interview. But I consider it good that they emailed me today to ask me if I'd like to also be considered for a job working admin three days a week in another section. This'd be good as they pay masses better than the NMM and three days a week there means no weekends. Whoop Whooop!
So next week I go on trial at this school, the week after that I return to the NMM and I wait for TfL to get back to me - oh and I applied for a job at the Houses of Parliament, deadline for that is on the 25th. If I don't get an interview I will be outraged. I have everything they require for that job.
H2 and her kids came to visit at the weekend, we spent the day at the Transport Museum. Honestly I never realised it would amuse the kids for FOUR hours straight. Longer if she hadn't gotten bored!

Other news!

I answered an advert for someone looking to share their very green chestnut NF pony. Just 5 years old. I go to meet his owners at the weekend. I've done a bit of facebook stalking and that along with some of their photos and comments make me suspect that they are also novice owners. They seem very nice though. I'm looking forward to meeting him and meeting what I already consider my pony!

So life as an unemployed bum continues.
However I do have an interview on Wednesday, to do a Tues-Fri job as a receptionist at a language school in Lee Green. I can't tell you any more about it than that because I know nothing else. Can't even remember what the wage is. I saw it on the jobseekers website so can't be much pennies.
I applied for it during my resignation rage and that was over a month ago. Meh. We'll see what happens.
Two jobs that I have applied for, that I want though. One is for Transport for London, its ok money, local and best of all I get two free oystercards for free London travel. That would make me happy. I can't believe since starting this blog, fares on the bus have gone from 80p to a whopping 2.30-ish.
The other is to do gallery and tour guide work at the Houses of Parliament. I know I left the NMM vowing never to get back into that work again, but for 19k (3k a year more than what I left with, wage wise) starting salary (rising to 24k) no Sunday work and alternate Saturdays would suit me ok. Hopefully would work ok so I can go to football anyway :)

Speaking of football, my beloved Charlton gained promotion back to the Championship. I was very happy, but also sad as I have no money to afford to renew for next year.

Welshy also has an interview for "data mining" whatever that means. He's been trying to teach himself HTML with thanks from H2's husband. I hope he gets it. We went to a recruitment agency last week and the man told him he was unemployable and couldn't help him and he's been a bit depressed and mopey ever since.

Oh yes. Bored last week I did a bit of advert reading and responded to a woman who wanted someone to school her horse for her as she didn't have time. Free Horse Fun! Who could resist! So I replied telling her what I could and couldn't do, height/weight etc and where I was based and now I'm waiting a reply. I say waiting. Obsessively checking my email is more realistic!
I'm starting to fret that because I didn't give any details (other than my email address that I had to fill in when I applied) that she won't/can't get back to me.
More realistically, its because I'm not good enough for her pony.
I REALLY need a job so I can ride again. Spending my days reading Horse and Hound Forums and looking at ponies I can't afford to keep as of yet is not a suitable substitute for Pony Fun

And. Final good thing (for now) H2 + children are coming to visit next Saturday! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2 headed shark attack....

.... is the name f the film I'm currently watching. Its as amazing as the name suggests.

Anyhoo, today I went to see my pony friends hooved and footed. And here's the questions(s)

1. Where would you draw the line at, for riding I mean. I love it more than anything else in the world ever. But, when do you say its time to stop? My Mum quit after her car accident, she can't risk any more damage to her back and neck. But she misses it greatly. One of the Instructors at my old year broke her back falling off onto a pile of bricks. She was warned that any more damage could result in her being in a wheelchair for good. But she still rides. I wonder if it was me, whether I'd carry on or quit. Riding's an addiction pure and simple. A guy today fell from a horse, not the horses fault. He was doing a stretching exercise and simply lost balance and slipped. Turned out that he recently recovered from being in a wheelchair. Wouldn't that make you think. Yeah. I'll stay away from high-risk sports. I wonder if something like that might make me quit.
2. Do you think animals can feel guilt? Or shame? Or is that anthropomorphising a bit? I ask because when this rider came off and was paralysed unable to move, his horse stayed by his side. He could have wandered off anywhere, but stayed a few steps from his downed rider. The instructor was busy with injured man, so I nipped into the school and grabbed the horse. Poor Bo, instantly buried his head in my armpit and just looked so sorry and guilty, I had to keep petting him to cheer him up. 

My beautiful ship is all fixed again! :)
Remember this?

Its now repaired and back to normal. Opens again to the public on Thursday. 

I love *my* ship :)

Its a bit ridiculous that after a 10 hour sleep, and having been awake for just over an hour, I'm ready to do back to sleep.

I'n sure people told me there was a drought in the UK. How comes its rained virtually every day since we've been back?
This is all deadly familiar. Applying for jobs I fear I won't get. Feeling desperately unqualified for everything. Looking at jobs and dismissing them. I felt like this when I returned from Derby. Do you remember? Feeling lost and lonely and missing what I had.
Mum keeps on at me to go back to the NMM or apply for shop work, I don't want that. But there's that niggling feeling that perhaps thats the best I can aim for.
Welshy scorns me. Tells me I'm pathetic for feeling this way. How can I tell him when he doesn't understand? I don't want to. Am I imagining all this and being stupid and girly?
I don't want to go and work in the City and commute. I hate that. I feel it raising my blood pressure being jostled and pushed by busy rushing people.
I wish I could get a decently paid job locally and not commute. I want to leave London and not return. I want to be secure somewhere and not leave home and be forced to come back within a year or so.

This gloomy weather gets me down. I need to snap out of this and readjust to being at home again, being dependent on Mother's whims and moods. Convince myself that she's wrong and I can do more than what she expects of me. And wait for Welshy to come home and see what happens.......