Yeah I know! Let me explain! Faithful Fred my old laptop died too. Its something about the evil flat eating its energy, rendering me once again computerless.
Its hellish there at the moment. thanks to invisible builders placing scaffolding by the windows we've not been able to open a window or balcony door for THREE weeks. Its like a sauna, hot, smelly and disgusting.
TP and TJ are visiting this weekend, so looking forward to it, but cos of scaffolding our useless tv has died a death as well.
Ho Hum. Speaking of dying a death our relationship with Evil Flatmates is virtually prehistoric. We dont speak. I am convinced that they told Evil Landlord that we were moving out end of the contract, when we were gonna stay. Didnt tell us till we got a call from letting agency.
Now we have till 17th of August to find somewhere new, but:
A. we cant afford a deposit.
B. We cant afford to rent anywhere the two of us and have no one to move with.

So yeah, looks like unless something drastic happens Welshy is back to Wales and I'm back to Mummys in August....

Best get back to work/looking on gumtree/bbc website/solitaire.

So Mondays exam went ok, I think... Gotta wait till August for the results - felt so odd to be back in an exam room! Got another, the calc paper tomorrow which I've found harder but we'll see.

I forgot in my update the other day to tell you THE biggest news you are likely to hear. Actually I'm not sure you'd care but its BIG to us.

Have I told you guys about how I fell out with MH? We've not spoken for like a year now. I'd been bottling up for ages some horrid, careless comments she'd made to me in the past (a check through the archives - cos I am THAT bored reveals I mentioned some of them but not all)

Yeah, let me just give you a run through cos fuck it, she was supposed to be one of my best friends and it still hurts.

Ok *hazy flashback scene*

My Dad's been diagnosed as terminally ill, what would you say to your supposed best friend at this time, when I told her my plans to return home to look after him and maybe get a part time shop job to help out.

You certainly wouldnt tell them that "they were just going home to avoid reality, that there was no need for them to return to London and that they should move to Sheffield with you, or that there was no point you finishing your degree if all you're gonna do is work in a shop."

Gee, thanks for the support there....

Anyway there was hundreds of other snide comments like that, about my Mum's accident after Dad died, how again I was using that for an excuse to avoid real life... She certainly never cared that my Granddad was diagnosed with cancer (all clear now thank God!) and ignored that.
Yet like a mug I kept quiet, I supported her when she decided that it was more fun to sleep and seduce married men, how she miscarried a child by one of them and then when the shit hit the fan how she blamed everyone but herself. She told me I should leave my job in the museum, and Welshy just so she could have a housemate (albeit an unemployed one) in Derby.

Eventually I grew a backbone and told her to fuck off, over an entirely different incident, when she blamed me for everyone in her church finding out about her antics.

That was a year ago and I still get vague updates about her life as we have mutual friends, CL for one. I still kinda worry about her as I'm a fucking softie. I've heard crazy rumours about how she got involved with another man (unmarried) who then proceeded to take all her savings and leave her penniless. About 4 jobs that she's lost in the 2 or 3 years that followed her Masters, through unprofessional conduct and child safety issues (although nothing seems so bad that she can't then get another job or lose her Police Check record)
This resulted in her being unable to get another job in Derby, and having to move to Northampton at the start of this year. (From what I've heard she blames everyone else for this, for losing all her jobs).
I think she has another Family Visitor type job there, or runs a children centre depending on who you talk to.
I dunno, I cant help but worry that some of these rumours are true, and I know i'm down here (and shouldnt care!) so stories do get embellished. 7 years of friendship was a hard thing to throw away for me and I do still worry.

Anyway... Two weeks ago The Lizard hits me with this bombshell
"Do you know that MH is preggers and its a sperm donor!"

So yeah. She's decided that at 29, she's verging on the menopause(!) and needs a kid. So she's entered the world of single parenthood and dont get me wrong, I think anyone who breeds and ends up being the solitary carer is pretty heroic. but why would you take the clean and clinical decision to do it that way? I'm all for independence but that just seems madness to me
(Or is my lack of maternal instinct showing?)
She's not exactly in her 40's (although CL seems to think that her doctor told her it was now or never as her body was failing... I dunno, I know she's lied to her in the past)
And the sperm donor? Well apparently she asked a friend to do it, so its not even like going hrough the NHS.
How do you explain that to your child? How do you make that decision? How do you go through your list of male friends and then broach the subject? I'm fascinated by how she went about the process. Did she sleep with him or use a turkey baster and how often did this happen?
If you cant even afford to live yourself how do you expect to support a kid?

Its all beyond me. But now I'm feeling kinda old! There's only E and The Lizard out of my admittedly small group of female friends that aint married or preggers. At least the boys aint letting me down! Am I the only one who still wants to get drunk rather than married or pregnant?
And am I wrong for being really concerned for MH and the child (due in December) considering all the wank she's done to me or is this just a new 21st century way of doing things and i'm just old-fashioned?

Tomorrow is my Maths GCSE retake exam. I'm aiming for a C but I think a D is more my level, if I get lucky.
We'll see. I CANNOT wait for this to be over! just my exam tomorrow and Friday and then waiting for my results. I can't believe that I've pushed two years of work into 10 months and how lovely is Welshy to have (not so) patiently gone through it all with me, over and over and over again! I dunno what I'm gonna fill my evenings with now! I'll actually have to talk to him!

What else is going on in my world? We'll gloss over the miserable playoff defeat.

Oh I've FINALLY gotten to ride at the new stables, first ride was a bit of a farce, was put on a horse at least 16 inches taller than anything I normally ride and I can ride it, but I cant ride it well, you know?
So it was a bit of a disaster as the class was a bit beyond me as well, considering i've not had a proper group lesson for a few years, and only done privates.
So then I got bumped down to a baby group but I'm hoping not to be there long, once I've gotten back into the swing of Schooling ride ethics I can move back to a proper class.

I'm going on holiday again! Only Lanzagrotty this time, for a diving holiday with Mum, I hate Grotty but diving everyday should be good.

THe Evil Housemates are leaving, yeah, they've borrowed stupid money to get a part-buy-part-rent deally. Its in a horrid area and sounds like a horrid deal but thats how desperate they are to get away from me.

We had a HUGE row yesterday. I hate the fact that its the middle of summer and they still feel the need to leave lights and heating on. WTF. I'm certainly not paying for lights to be on when everyone is in bed or its bright sunshine and i'm certainly not paying for heating in the middle of fucking summer.

So we need to move someone else in. I dont know who yet. But we cant afford that place alone, esp if I go back to uni. We've got two potentials so watch this space...

I should go do more revision...

I have my old laptop at the flat now, finally, anyway i'm at home. This is my second trip to A&E in two days.
When I was 13/14 I damaged my neck, it went into spasms and locked so I was unable to look left or up/down. They let me have a week off of school and a neck brace to support it.
I've always felt that it hadnt healed properly (possibly cos i went to the stables and rode and heaved/shovelled shit about) as I've suffered off and on with muscle strains, more so than a normal person would, although it never stops me doing anything.
Friday morning and Welshy's alarm goes off and I rolled away from it, I heard and felt this awful grinding, crashing noise below my ear and I knew what I'd done.
I couldnt get up. I thrashed about for 20 minutes yelping and sobbing in pain, before pulling myself up, I tried to sleep it out, as in the past I've been able to stretch my neck into place. But when I woke again I couldnt get up.
I had to get Welshy to help me to dress and then we went to A&E in Whitechapel, there I was manhandled by some idiot nurse, who grabbed me where I said it hurt, pressed in and rotated my neck. I couldnt help it, I burst into tears. The pain is so great, even codeine isnt helping, it shoots from the base of my neck up to my ear.
"Oh. Did that hurt?"
No you whore I cry all the time.
Anyway she gave me codeine, told me in as many words that I would be fine, suggested that I'd had some car accident and it was whiplash-related (I've never been in one) or that it was the start of early onset osteoperosis and sent me home.
I couldnt sleep last night, I spent most of it sobbing as I was exhausted, but couldnt lie down, couldnt rotate my neck to get comfortable on the sofa.
I went to A&E today in Greenwich, where the doctor gave me prescription strength medicine, told me I could self-cert if I needed and sent me away.
I cant bear it, the codeine numbs the pain to an extent but I still hurt so much and my right neck muscles are starting to hurt now from looking that way.
I cant self cert from work as they count my days off as sick days, so despite today being my registered rest day, it would count as two sick days, (fri and today) my next rest day is Tuesday, so if I have tomorrow off, thats three days or two again if I have Monday off, if I have the rest of the week after that off, it takes me to the weekend, so I'd need a doctors note to say why i've had all this time off.
No one will give me one, nor will they give me a neck brace to support me like they did when I was younger.
I can't go into work in this much pain, I cant even dress without help. And I cant go another night with no sleep.
But what else can I do?

Mother has been trapped in Lanzagrotty due to this ash cloud and she keeps giving me demands about ringing her insurannce and doctors and organising shit and I cant do it cos I cant move.
Ow, Ow, Ow.
Anyway she's got it good, in a 5* hotel, all accomadation and food and most importantly free drink paid for, for the duration.
And she'll get more time off of work if she cant get back for monday.

Yeah. The laptops still not fixed as you might have gathered. Looks like everyone else in blogland has no working computers either...
Was gonna tell you all about our amazing drunken trip to Southend, how it looks like we're on the way to Oldham and possible Exeter as well.
Oh and how I went on my first Official Marine Mammal Medic rescue, which ended in an anti-climax when I failed to see the seal at all...
So what am I going to tell you?

Well today we cracked and moved Nanny into a care home, this week, well fortnight really she's really being going downhill, wandering off and stuff. She had been coming home, which is good but she was missing all night recently. Mother is close to cancelling her holiday and the doctor told her under no terms was she to do that as her blood pressure was through the roof and she feared that it might all end in her having another breakdown or a stroke.
Granddad cant cope on his own, No one else will help. His pacemaker is probably buckling under the strain so arrangements have been made to move her into Perrygrove.
Which is a small care home on the estate we used to live at. Its good cos we know people that work there so they can keep us up to date on stuff.
We tell ourselves its for three weeks Respite Care. We (apart from Granddad) all know she wont come out again.
She went mental though. I've seen her walk unfearing and break up a fight between two men and although the last few years she's been quiet, rarely venturing two words this woke something up in her.
"You Bitch, I'll never forgive you for this... You etc."
So we ran, like naughty and guilty schoolchildren abandoning her at the home. The Matron has rung and told us that she's now switched into Nurse Mode (she used to work in a Childrens home and nurse in an OAP ward at the hospital) So thats occupying her mind now, thinking that she works there. But we've been told to stay away for a few days, in case we upset her again.
My Uncle M is on the phone to Mum now abusing her for making this move. But she simply cannot cope anymore. As I have said there are 6 of them and she is the only one to do anything for them. He claims he is going down there to liberate her.

I feel awful, like there's more I could have done, not move out, moved in with the Grandparents, look after them. but that wouldnt stop Nan walking out the house, it wouldnt do me any favours.
So I'll just be here. Being guilty and a bad person for leaving her in the home when we have sworn to them for the last two years that we would NEVER make this move, NEVER split them up.

One day. We can live in hope that Welshy will get his laptop fixed and I can use the internet like a normal person again.
He recently took it to a shop and was charged a hundred quid to have it "repaired" so far we've seen no sign of it spluttering into life. So we took it back and they told us the charger was blown. So we brought a new charger. Still no joy.
Hmm. I have two laptops here. My old faithful that saw me through university. However it was pre-wireless internet and to be honest. I dont wanna sit in the living room and play online. Not with the housemates we have anyway.
My other is RRREEEAAAALLLLLLLY slow and tends to not work at all if its not plugged into a wall. It may be just within the timespan of wireless. I doubt it though.

Mother is upset again. Before I went to football I had to comfort her while she sobbed hysterically about wanting my Dad. She's just come back from a mini-break which she badly needed and fell back into the trap of worrying about my Nan and Granddad. And my aunt suggested putting them in a home. Which AGAIN they dont need.
They just need to be left alone, with a bit of company now and then. Then she got into a fluster about the gas bill and it was a straw that broke the camels back.
I think, perhaps she needs counselling. And I'm not a person for that. I had the upbringing that to see one was a sign of weakness, a failure to cope. But I really think that everything has got to her too much. Dad, her accident, Granddad's illness, Nanny's dementia. She needs outside help. I try but there's so little I can do. I even considered moving back in to help look after her, but that helps no one.
So maybe outside help would help her. A new person, trained to deal with this and all her other problems, who could suggest ways to help N&G better than we can. But even broaching the subject with her will be hard, she will take the same attitude that to seek the help is weak. And we dont have the money for therapists.
Ho Hum. I feel so guilty and weak for not being able to help and so, so helpless when she sobs brokenly for my Dad.

Plus side. I'm going for a mega piss up to Southend on Friday with the N.M.M.C.A.S.C. (plus two) meeting at 11, start drinking by half 11. Chips on the beach, penny arcades. Lots and lots more drinking. Perhaps a trip to the sealife centre and more drinking. Then the football at 7.45, and then more drinking before getting the last train to london at half 12. Cant wait.

India.
Its everything, beautiful, ugly, polluted and clean, poverty-stricken and rich. As much as you hear about the dirt and poverty, its not till you get there and smell it. See the slums and people begging. The lucky people living in tents. The others sleeping where they can.
I was exhausted by it all, by the end. The constant layer of plastic and card debris lying about. The people asking for money. They assume that cos you're white, you're rich and yes, compared to them I am, but its all relative. I have 200 hundred pounds to last me till payday at the end of the month.
You start off pitying them, but by the end of it, I was so worn out by the relentless begging I just didn't care if they had stumps for arms or kiddies in their arms.
Its not even the poor people either, I was conned for "donations" several times in temples and the buggers know they have you there as you dont wish to offend!
It was tiring being a female travelling alone, as they want to take photos of you, with or without them. I'm sure I'm in several Indian mens personal Wank-Banks now. When I saw them coming down the beach I went and sat in the hut until they'd gone.
Its tiring having stop 'n' drop toilets, or even just a tile in the ground to aim for. I complained to Welshy, that it was ok for him, I had to worry about splashback or even trickle down my legs. The places that had real loos often didnt flush or leaked, the showers ranged from cold to tepid and dripped slowly out of the showerhead.
I dont know how I survived, or how anyone survives on the road, its ok to overtake on a blind corner, or drive on the wrong side of the road if you like. And its more than ok to overtake a car thats trying to overtake a lorry on a mountainside.
Families balance toddlers onto handlebars of bikes and people cling onto the sides and roofs of buses.
It was frustrating seeing starving, mangy dogs, dead puppies and knowing that if only they did a castration programme, it'd help reduce the population naturally and release the constant pressure on the bitches, but finding out that any kind of sterilisation like that is considered unholy.

But let me tell you about the good side, the beach in Gokarna, Om Beach, remote and unspoiled by pollution, the huge crashing waves that were endless fun to bodysurf along or try to remain upright in. How I rode a camel into the desert and camped overnight listening to traditional Indian tales by a fire. How the Taj Mahal is actually prettier than you imagine or have seen. How the birds come in amazing shades of vivid blues and greens. How all the trucks and rickshaws are gaily decorated in tinsel and paint, that would look tacky anywhere else. How we hunted tigers in early mornings and watched late night Bollywood films in the cinema and laughed and were moved to tears despite not understanding what was spoken. Let me tell you about riding an elephant and feeding rats at a holy temple and playing with monkeys (I fell over and down the stairs there. Apparently you really do slip on banana skins).
Let me tell you about riding the spirited and responsive Marwei horses and their amazing curvy ears over rocks and along mountain paths.
Let me tell you about delicious apple Lassi drinks and Gulab Jamin desserts and the kind people that helped reunite me and Welshy after we got seperated at Mombai airport (although the bastard did con about a thousand rupees out of me in the process).

There was so much to reccommend about the place and so much to hate, it was a complete land of contrasts, I loved it but was glad to come home to civilisation. I had an amazing time though, despite all the downsides.

Its been a bit of a messy twenty four hours.

One of my friends, Astronomer C was leaving, she's emigrating to NZ, lucky thing, to Windy Welly. (Someone else to visit next time I go..) And I promised myself faithfully that I was sticking to my twenty quid budget and leaving at 9pm whatever happened.
So perhaps it was to be expected that I was falling out of the Lord Hood (Greenwich's premier late-ish opening bar with the awesome DJ JACKIE on FRIDAY NIGHTS) at quarter to one and then running to get the last DLR. Yeah. Another proud highlight of my life was announcing to everyone about my naked photos I did for GT and having them all dive for their Iphones to find them (ha! try harder fuckwits) Oh and I stole the phone from the guy who works in the Sausage van in Greeny Park and hid it in my bra. When he called it, I got stupidly over-excited that my right tit was flashing and playing the A-Team theme and made everyone, like the 20+ of us that were in the pub put there head on my tit to listen. Including Astronomer G who is 65 if he's a day
Perhaps its a good thing that I'm now away for three weeks.
Oooh. I discovered Greenwich has a bar, Desperados. That is open till 5am, and then reopens at 9am for breakfast. My Fucking SHIT how have I gone through life without knowing this? Its amazing and I shall make a mental note to myself to remember this when I get back

Here is another mental note for myself, Remember to limit the amount of dirty caffine-based drinks I consume, Especially those of the blue variety. I didnt feel pleasant this morning.

Did I tell you guys that after another recent night on these drinks I had my first ever hangover?! At the age of 26! Yeah! Its a slippery slope from here on in I bet. Instead of 9 or 10 of those alco-poppy things a night I'll be reduced to one or two...
Anyway that night wasnt pleasant. I walked into a bus stop on my way home, woke up when Welshy headed to work about 5ish and moved my head too sudden and then I had to hold on cos I was convinced I was going to fall out of bed it was spinning that much.

Anyway I went to bed about quarter to two and woke up at three to feel a bit grotty and I still felt grotty when I went to join some of the boys from work (We've formed the N.M.M.C.A.S.C - catchy no?)
So went over to Wycombe to watch the mighty Addicks. Drinking in several bars as we went. I feel ok about that though, when I woke up to Welshy coming in, I didnt feel drunk and despite starting drinking at 10.47 THIS MORNING I still don't feel drunk, so either something went wrong or I left a long enough time inbetween to sober up.
Ha.

Wycombe is a strange place. Only half an hour away from London. out in Buckinghamshire I guess.
The ground itself is a one hour 43 minute (or so google maps tell me, it seemed like a longer walk) 5 miles away from the town.
Its at the end of an industrial estate surrounded by woodland on either side and seems to have no public transport getting you to the ground. Now I love my football, but walking for nearly four hours every other Saturday might try the limits of my endurance.
There was also a random pub with strippers in the middle of what looked to be a road full of B&B's!
I saw Red Kites though! Or at least from a distance I believe them to be. They were certainly large hawks and they looked similar to what Kites should look like.
Now here's a history lesson for you, hundreds of years ago Red kites were dead common, as common as pigeons scavenging in the cities, eating all the dead shit lying about.
In fact. Its said that Kidbrooke not far from me was originally called Kitebrook due to the amount of kites about, then Kittybrooke to Kidbrooke.
But life didn't stay sweet for the Red Kite, when sewers and shit become common in cities the kites moved to the country, where they got an undeserved reputation for killing lambs (due to their habit of eating carrion)
So it was decided that the Kite needed to be exterminated. And it was very nearly wiped out, I think in the early 1980s there was around 40 pairs left hidden away in Wales. By this time people realised that Kites didnt kill but they were under threat from egg collectors and the lies that people still believed.
But Due to the effort of the RSPB, birds were re-introduced from Europe and Volunteers guared the kites at all times and now there's possibly a 1,000 breeding pairs known, if not more.
But they're still a stupidly rare species to spot so I was dead excited to see two flying about near the ground which proved a real distraction from the dull game itself (finished 2-1 btw to Charlton.)

Well its all booked now... No turning back! On Monday I'll be heading for India. I have to take two internal flights on my own.
I'm dreading that. I am a very nervy flyer but each flight will only be about two hours long. What can go wrong in two hours?

I'm going to watch Charlton at Wycombe on Saturday, so will be here after that and then its off, off and away! Last day at work for three weeks tomorrow. Can't wait.

I'm all registered for my GCSE as well now. Bit peturbed by the invilator telling me that it took someone three goes to get that C, which shook my very fragile confidence, but I have till June to get comfortable with it.

I found out that I passed that exam by the way. It wasnt hard. and to be honest i was surrounded by idiots.
The interview was supposed to be sometime this week, but it got cancelled until next week cos of the weather. I explained about my holiday and they told me that they'd get in touch by Friday just gone.
Anyway I rang them today, only to be informed that they'd sent me an email (lies! I've not got it!) telling me that I cant be interviewed when I get back and nor where they willing to do it this week like originally planned.
Weathers not been great but its not been that bad to be honest.

So I'm really pissed about that. Seems a bit of a set-back, and they've fucked me about, but in the current climate I guess they can pick and choose what they want to do and I'm just someone else they can mess about with.

But never mind. It was only going to be a short term option. I still am hopeful that I'll get into clearing in August, although I do have fears that as the GCSE results come out a week after the Alevels I might not have anywhere left to apply too. We'll cross that bridge when it happens though!

I met the Random I'm going away with on Monday night.
She's awful. Actually thats not fair. Its just going to be a personality clash I think. E seems to think she's wonderful and I guess she knows her better than me. I can see why they get on. They're both anal about organising things and having plans and schedules. So me and Welshy (moral support) met them in Weatherspoons and listened to them tell me what I'm going to do whilst i'm away.
A lot of it is stuff that sounds fun, tigers, camel trekking. But I fear E's analness enough on trips and her friend is gonna be just as bad if not worse.
I lost interest and zoned out reading the guide book while they organised.
I shouldn't complain. Loads of people'd love to be doing something like this and i'm good at biting my tongue and letting shit roll over me. Christ knows i've spent a lot of my life doing that at home.
I got myself into this situation by being too soft to tell E that no, I didnt want her to come as well. I didnt so we'll see how it goes!
Fly out Monday!!! Wheeeeee!!!!!


Home. Things are getting interesting. My uncle thats living with my grandparents really flipped out at mum apparently. I mean really flipped, my Granddad had to hold him back or he'd have gone for her.
He just suddenly went mental when he complained that she'd not been there on Saturday, when she pointed out that it was my Dad's birthday and surely she deserved some time off from going there every day, He just started screaming that she should get over that, its been four years, she was this, that, the other. That he was the only one who cared and she stopped him whenever he tried to do things to look after them (which means trying to organise a lady to wash my Nan - which she doesnt need as she can do it herself. She may not bathe or shower but she strip washes. She's clean and never smells of sweat or dirt, so it would have been just degrading for her.)
That Mum brings them stale food (Again Mum brings them stuff every day for lunch. Its stuff with a short date on them, but always edible [fuck she eats it herself with them] as its pointless getting them long date stuff as it wouldnt get eaten and get forgotten about and then they would eat it when it was out of date and get poorly.)
That they should be in a home, they can't cope, blah, blah, blah. It really shook her up to see such hate and rage on his face and my granddad was in bits.
He wouldnt let her leave the room as he was afraid J (my uncle) would hit her and he's a big guy, taller and wider and an ex-copper so would lay her out. So she had to ring my aunt to collect her so she could get back to work.
The good thing, if you can say that about this, is from this we discovered that my really uncaring uncle I doesnt want to put them in a home, as we feared he sided with J, as they are/were quite close.
(Basically we've been ostracised by the rest of the family for daring to have a husband/father that died. He even sits behind me for football and hasnt spoken to me since the funeral, and I have made the effort.)
So we thought he might side with them as he doesnt go to visit, and well doesn't want to know I guess.
My aunt G works for Social Services and even she points out that they might be fucked in the head but not too such an extent that they need to go in a home.
My Uncle M has said honestly (and although I'm angry at this, I suppose you have to admire his honesty) He doesnt want to see them in a home, that he stays away as he cant face what his parents have become, but he knows they dont need a home and he is happy with power of attorny and making sure that they're secure money-wise.
Mother has care of Nan's finances, in a joint account to stop her spending anything or anyone ripping her off and has always been very open with him about it.
(Which was another reason for abuse "You've had a new car and a kitchen extension in the last three years! Don't think I dont know where that money is coming from!)
Yeah so Dad's meagre pension and her savings dont cover that? Pah.

I really think there's something wrong with J, I think he is suffering from some kinda mental illness. Bipolar or something. I dont know. But he's the worst person to be there with them. He has no job anymore, Apparently he took a swing at someone he worked with.
I remember my uncle as being very placid. He was a copper and once walked into the middle of a gang stareout, talked to them and with in 40 minutes had got them to put away their guns and walk home.
This crazed quick to snap and lash out person is not the uncle I knew, not the brother my Mother knows.
I worry about her going there now, but she worries about Nan and Granddads safety more. What happens if he snaps with them?
It'd be good on the one hand as it'd be the final straw needed to break the camels back and get him out.
But it'd not be good for them. At all.

GAAAHHH



This India trip is starting to do my head in. In fact i'm starting to dread it. Its bad enough that we'll be spending the first week in an admittedly pretty but desolate part of India, where there seems to be nothing to do but yoga (stopping my plans to dive)
But then E who is flying in to join me for the next two weeks asked me "My manager at work, was gonna go with her bf, but they broke up, can I ask her to come too?"
Well I couldnt be a bitch so had to say yes, although I dont think i've ever met her.
Anyway, she's been pretty elusive when I've been asking her to meet me to arrange plans and now she's hit me with the fact that her and her mate have pretty much organised an iteniery to do in the two weeks.

Without consulting me.

So yeah, now I feel like i'm going to be tagging along in THEIR holiday, and I hate the people she works with, they're all very clique-y and I fear two weeks of doing nothing. Saying nothing.

Soo. I shall be spending the first week sitting on a beach bored whilsy Welshy and his pals drink themselves stupid and BURN
And then the next two weeks feeling like a hanger-on.
Is it wrong for me to feel really pissed about this? Mother reckons i'm being a drama queen and I should be grateful I'm going anywhere (hinting that I'm a bitch for going and she isnt)

I dunno. I'm really annoyed.


Tomorrow is the anniversary. I probably wont be able to blog about it due to a lack of working laptop.
I dont know how I feel about it. I feel sad and the ache is there when I think about it. but I have such a busy day with my interview and other injections and maths and shit to do that I dont know if I can think much about it then.


Saturday will be his birthday and we'll be out for the customary meal and we'll take it from there I guess.
And then in a weeks time I'll be flying out for better or for worst!

And incidently tuesday will be mine and Welshy's 3 year anniversary!! Hardcore!

So its the end of the year and time for another review.

I think I pretty much covered everything I wanted to say about how the years gone in my previous post.
I've had highlights - Holidays. Fagia. Living with Welshy. and I've had lowlights. Nanny getting iller. STILL being at the museum.
Been a bit of a nothing year really, when in the past I've had huge highlights to talk about and think back on.
My resolutions are the same, but I'm going to try and blog more. I miss it sometimes, even though its a bit of a chore sometimes and hard when I share Welshy's laptop.
Its good to put your thoughts down sometimes. Get them out of your head, when you cant express them verbally.
And have them come out as gibberish when I do write it down.

Never mind.

So a super big FUCK OFF to 2oo9 and bring on the New decade and NEW YEAR!!

Happy New Year!

I had set one of my India injections today.
Now my arm is numb and I cant lift it. Gay.
More to come next week! Booo!
I'm glad I dont really have a problem with needles, but its not pleasant! Welshy is back home tomorrow, providing he makes it through the snow and I can come back on the Saturday.
Cant wait. Fed up at home. Ready to go back.

I feel good about this year ending. I've looked lately at my previous End of year/Christmas posts and they seem so desperately sad. Depressed.
I started this year and spent most of it, feeling the same way. Depressed.
but I feel good now. Positive. I had an epiphany halfway through the year to stop living my life compared to other people and live it how I want.

My New Years resolutions have always been the same. To leave home, to get a proper job, to travel more.
I went to Dublin and New York this year. Dublin is pretty if a little touristy-trappy and New York was, well fucking mental.
I'm glad I went, I did the typical touristy things and ticked them off of the mental list I carry in my head. But America is a strange place with strange people in it, more over the top, more fake-seeming. I wouldnt go back to New York. I'm not cut out for big cities and large crowds.
I did get to move out and in with Welshy, I hate the people we're forced to live with, but a few days at home has reminded me that its loads better than being here.
I like being with him, I hope he likes it too.
I like the effect he has on me, he calms and sedates the part of me thats constantly restless, needing entertainment and to be on the go. Although he complains that I'm constantly tapping my foot or jiggling when we watch telly.
I dont even know i'm doing it half the time.
Its so funny to think that we met four years ago and I dismissed him as being "ok, but no spark" and that he became my almost constant companion for a year before we got together and not one thought of what might happen crossed my mind then!

I still havent got a real job. But you know what? Its ok. I have a test/interview on the 6th (co-incidence that its Dad's deathday? and if I get past that, the interview will be on his funeral day? You decide.)
It'd be good money if I get it.
I want to go back to uni though. I got rejected cos of my lack of maths, but its ok. I'm working my way slowly through the Maths course with lots of tears and tantrums, but its going ok. I hate maths, will always panic if faced with a number higher than 20 but hopefully i'll get that C and then go into clearing.
Once I've done that year long course I want to go do a TEFL course. Welshy longs to escape the UK and live abroad in the south of France, or Italy.
I am an Anglophile. I love travelling and seeing new things, but I always want to come home to what's familiar to me. Foods. Transport. Shitty weather. Plants and animals. Football.
But a year abroad, that appeals.
That's different. That's an adventure. To say that you've lived abroad and can speak another language like a local. To a different way of life.
So if I manage to go down that route, who knows where I'll end up!?

I'm travelling again soon. To India. On the 18th of January for three weeks. I can't wait. it'll kill that travelling bug for now.

I read through some of my earlier posts lately and I cringe at them. How pathetic and childish I was.
Now I realise how much me and my friends have grown and changed.
CL is married two years now to UDOBF (I posted here about how it wouldn't last! How she wanted another man when she first slept with him!) Now she has his child.
I miss MH still a year after we fell out, She was the last person back then that I thought would let me down. But I can't forgive or forget the cruel way she acted.
TP and TJ have their own house, comfortable with their hens and dogs and being in the countryside. I cant imagine any man splitting them up, anymore than I could then.
JF has been living with her bf for two years as has STF. (I still remember him declaring "Charlton this one's different! I dont wanna cheat on her!")
He hasnt neither.
Two cousins that I played with as children have either married or got kids of their own. OF has got married. I am not in touch with her at the moment. I miss that easy friendship we once had.
I started this blog when I was twenty. I am now twenty-six. We are all grown up, no matter how I try to pretend different.
I started this obsessed with a guy who didnt deserve my blind devotion. I havent spoken, nor thought of him for years. Last I heard from MH was that he'd had a kid with the sister of the girl he was seeing at the time.
Lucky escape for me I guess.
I then got involved with a guy who didnt care about me and vice versa. I went to him for comfort that no one could provide for me, when I felt like the lonliest person in the world and when I felt perhaps I could open up to him, he shattered that.
I stayed in touch and we parted as friends, speaking occasionally. But I grew a backbone and got rid and dont regret it.
I have Welshy. My best friend. Maybe not the person I expected back then. But better. (I'd better say that as he reads this)

Its six years since we were the Rowditch Avenue gang, when MH and I did Pound A Pint mondays watching football, eating Pizza, and she cried on the end of my bed after leaving Jena, after a year together, after STF cheated on her. I miss that carefree time, but I dont dwell and wish for it back like I used to. Life is for looking forward. Not back.
I think about the girl who started this blog and I wonder what she'd have thought of my decisions to leave animals and try and become a teacher. She'd be horrified and refuse to believe it probably. But as long as I have animals about me, I'll be ok.
She'd not believe the twists and turns and how friends could turn out to not be.
I am a different person now. Changed by my experiences.

It is four years on the 6th since Dad died. I miss him. Perhaps I'll mention it then, like I've done on here in the past. But at the moment I do not feel sad about him dying. I am glad he lived and was my Dad. Mother feels ready at last to scatter his ashes and we're going to do that in the Summer.
Another sign of moving on...

2009 is ending better than it started, when I feared nothing would ever get any better and I'm confident 2010 will be even better.
My resolutions remain the same. Home of my own, travelling, new job. We'll see how it goes. I still want to achieve the 6 goals I set myself to do by the time I'm 30.
Will I still be writing this bollocks in another 6 years? Fuck knows. But it'll be interesting to see what will happen next...

more horrid and dangerous conditions today. Rain and Snow on top of the ice we already have. I waited nearly an hour and a half for a bus home, only to have that bus terminate after twenty minutes when we'd not moved as he couldnt make it up the hill.
I didnt fare much better, I had handrails to hold onto and hauled myself up with those, I saw a private ambulance slide back down the hill, smelt the rubber tyres burning as they tried to dig in.
I nearly got run over by a car stuck in a hopeless skid as I tried to cross the road. It was ok though. it missed me and it was going too slow to do anything but bump into pavement gently.
I was very scared though.
In total it took me over two hours and forty minutes to do what takes normally half hour on the bus or 40 minutes walking. And I only waited for the bus as I feared walking that hill anyway!

Still I'm warm now and busy putting Beatles songs onto my iphone. I'd like to know how to blog by using that but I cant seem to master that. I have problems working the damn ting anyway. Technology and me dont mix well.

Back home for Chrimbo...
Can't believe that just across the river, like three miles from home is my flat and yet there is no snow there. Here its covered and with glass like ice thats just as slippy.
Yuck.
Injections for India are booked, hopefully Welshy can get my visa sorted when he goes up to do his and then its all systems go! Go! Go!
I've been looking up diving centres there and picking at the remains of the scab from where Fagia bit me nearly 4 weeks ago now.
She went for me again when I was rugging her up but I dodged this time! Hurrah!
I do enjoy riding her, she's very different from the other scatty beasts I've been on, who if they get scared of something WILL not go past.
You can almost feel her thought processes as I go round...

"Jesus, shitting Christ!! What the fuck is that? NO WAY in hell am I walking past that pole/jump block combo. Its going to kill me. Look at it. Its evil. Are you mad? I'm going to run! I'm fast nothing will catch me!
Hey wait, why are you circling me around it, didnt I just tell you how evil it is? There is no way I'm going near it. Nope. No way. No. I'm stopping here. Where its safe and then as soon as its not looking i'm going to run.... NOW!
Again? Shit what is wrong with you? Well if you say its ok, I might believe you, but i'm walking EXREMELY FAST... oh alright we'll go at your speed, if you reckon its safe i'll try for you but I'm not convinced.
Hey I lived!"

And then we do the whole process when she reaches it again, or if she sees a killer sparrow.
Funny old thing!

CL had a baby this morning! She's called it Emily Grace. its 7 pounds, pretty ugly looking to be fair and apparently it was a tough labour. Been a tough old pregnancy for her, her first as well.
Congrats to her. I'm still very determindedly anti-child. I have far too much I want to do before I get round to even considering the idea and I'm only going to consider it when Welshy can carry it and give birth. Like a grumpy sea-horse.

I know! Mega long updating breaks!
Welshy's laptop is no nearer being fixed and iphone doesnt seem to have an app for blogging.
Anyway!
So I failed in all my attempts to go back to uni, its ok, there's clearing in September. I'm pretty depressed about it really, it'd have been nice to have a semi-concete offer at least.
I've actually quite enjoyed volunteering at her nursery, although the kids seem to spoil all my fun when I'm cleaning out the stinky fish tank or making sandcastles.
So fingers crossed that i'll get clearing cos really the museum is getting worse and worse daily. Our big main galleries are closing to be replaced by cafes/shops/wet play areas for kids and the main displays are being sent on loan to who ever wants them and our Visitor Services department, already under-appreciated and hit on by higher-ups is being thrown further into disarray by the recruitment of volunteers to do our jobs.
We got our back dated pay increase a few weeks back. I was really pissed to find that apparently I was only deserving of 3% despite doing over 18 added tasks and people that do nothing or loads less got 4%+ so I went to see the head of VS and asked her how when the initial pay offer came through it stated that average GAS would recieve in the region of 2-3% while those above average in the region of 5%.
She then went on about all the added tasks so I then hit her with my list and asked her why so and so got more for doing less.
Anyway, they're reviewing my pay in the New Year so Wheeee!

Speaking of the New Year, I might be off on my travels again. Some of Welshy's friends are heading to India, and it looks like we might be joining them!
We're gonna head to Goa for a week of beach/sea based fun and then I'm leaving Welshy with his mates as "why do I wanna see the Taj Mahal? I've seen a picture in a book and I saw a tiger at the zoo!"
So then, and fingers crossed cos E is still waiting on her leave. She's gonna come join me in Mombai/Bombay and we're gonna backpack about for two weeks before rejoining Welshy and flying home!
Its gonna be epic! But I have so much to do before the New Year... Flights/Visa's/ Injections....

Injections... I need my Tetanus updated.
I've been riding a new horse, Fagia, she's an imported Arab racehorse from the states, she's green, convinced EVERYTHING is about to kill her, loves her speed and hates stopping.
I'm used to all these batshit mental horses. But there's nothing about this horse to love.
I have a scar on my arm from where. And I'm quite convinced about this, she tried to kill me.
Its not an exaggeration. I've been around horses for the last 20 odd years, I know when they're grumpy and when they just don't want people about. I've been kicked and bitten and thrown off.
anyway, nearly three weeks ago now, I'd just gotten off her after a ride and had brushed the sweat off and was unfolding her rug in the corner of her stable.
Minding my own buisness, one eye on her, doing nothing to frighten or spook her, when BAM she swings her back end round and catches me off balance, luckily I didnt fall, I put my hand on her back to steady myself, but she shoved her weight against me again, trying to push me into the corner.
She could have kicked me there and then and it'd have hurt and broken bones but this was a deliberate thought out action, to pin me into the corner and then lash out.
And I dont fancy much being whacked with metal shoes with half a ton of angry horse behind them.
So I darted out under her neck, and she grabbed me by the arm with her teeth and dragged me a couple of feet.
Luckily I was wearing a thick, loose hoody and although she broke the skin with her teeth and left marks I wasnt too badly hurt.
I was totally shaken up and bemused by her actions, like I said. I know when a horse is acting out of fear or anger but this was pure evil.
I was shaking and then thought "I'm not gonna let you get away with that" and I went for her, slapping and hitting every part of her I could reach and I chased her round the stable screeching at her!
I rugged her up and left her in the end though.
Evil bitch! I'm on her again next week, lets see what games she pulls then!

Here I am at my Mum's again. Welshy has managed to destroy his laptop and quite frankly, I've been utterly exhausted by events to summon up any blogging want.
So... Yeah, I've applied to two schools to do a Graduate Teacher Program, well I applied to one and called the headmaster a woman, so not sure that'll go down well and the other school hasnt even replied to my request for more information. So you can take that what way you like!
I still havent finished my PGCE application despite starting it in September and the deadline being 1 Dec.

My maths is coming along slowly, in fact there's been more tears and tantrums than actual maths progression, but I've nearly finished the first module and only have 8 more to go... If only I could remember anything that I've done!

Family wise.... God its best not to ask, my Nanny's Alzehimers seem's to have developed massively and she's taken to running away from home, twice this has resulted on her getting on a ferry to North Woolwich and three times she's been found and brought back.
Because of this she's spending the night at my house and I've been relegated to a mattress on the floor.
Its really upset my mum and stressing me out, not only for the fear that something could happen to her (Lets face it Wooly isn't the safest place to be, you only have to look at my adventures working in the Health Food Shop that Can't be Named for that!)
Plus its giving my uncles and aunts more reason to put her into a home.
And lets get things straight. I'm not saying that a home will be the best place for her in the future, but its not now. What she needs now is a routine, she's happiest and most coherent when left to her own devices, knitting shapeless blankets, or deadheading roses in her garden in an attempt to weed.
She runs away from home cos my uncle J has moved in, to live rent-free and supposedly to care for her and Granddad. This "caring" consists of disappearing for days on end without telling anyone, leaving them without food or by trying to force them into building a shower unit for him, and moving all their possessions around.
(Oh and his "caring" went as far as ringing mum last Thursday to tell her that she'd gone missing and then going to work himself while mum rushed out of work AGAIN and spent all day with her calming her back down once the police brought her home.)
This is what upsets her and makes her ill in the head and makes her revert to thinking she's 14 and working in a care home on the other side of the water.
It stress Mum out and she's ill enough, without this, her work can't be expected to allow her to rush away all the time when her 4 brothers, 1 sister and their two wives can't even be fucked to go round there and see that they're ok.
And this is whats playing right into his hands for forcing them into a care home and having the house to himself.
My Nanny doesnt want him there, she won't go to sleep cos "there's a strange man in her house" he takes her things, whether this is cos he's taking them or cos he's moved them who knows?
But he's making her iller than she is and it'll force them into a home and we can't get him out as all the rest of the family support him being there.

Last night I met up with STF to go see the final England Qualifier at Wembley. It was a pretty dire and boring match as neither team had much to play for, and how can Becks get Man of Match after only playing like 20 minutes?!
Honestly people, he's so shite its untrue and I swear the world is just fooled by the hype.
And before I get on my Beckham rant, people were leaving the game with 20 minutes to go, and yeah we were 3-0 up but really?!
You've paid 30-40 quid, maybe more to see this match, spent a fiver on a programme, spent another fiver on cheap and nasty food and god knows how much on travel and drink and now you're leaving "to beat traffic"? Wankers.
EVERYONE knows that you stick it out to the end, no matter how bad!

Anyway, at the end I left the ground, got lost walking down a STRAIGHT ROAD and walked about the back streets of Wembley for an hour before finding myself back at the stadium, only seperated by a motorway and a large IKEA. So I had to get a bus until I found a train station to ride back into the city.
My directional skills have improved DRASTICALLY over the years....

STF told me about A during the match. Now A has always veered and possibly more than once crossed the line from "heavy drinker" to "virtual alcoholic" in fact the day after we met the lads for the first time he ended up in hospital getting his stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning.

Anyhoo, he went to Rugby a few weeks ago to meet JN and V more lads that we hung with in Derby. Got absolutely wankered and drank for about 15 hours solid, then realised he needed to get back up to Sheff for the local derby match.
Somewhere in the middle of the day on the busy M1 motorway he passed out at the wheel of his car, and woke up to find, that somehow he'd spun across 3 lanes of traffic and rather determindly driven into a wall.
Fuck only knows how he didn't kill himself or anyone else!
Anyway, he's got whiplash and a fucking great gash on his forehead from where he smashed the steering wheel but he's ok. Lost his license of course, but it seems to be the wake-up call to sort himself out and the last word from STF was that he'd not drunk in nearly a month.
I bet his liver is pleased and hopefully he'll either remin teetotal or this'll scare him into at least not drinking and driving!

A wee little catch up here. Everythings going fine, I love being around Welshy all the time and we're both infecting each other with moments of madness. We're seriously considering the idea of going to do a TEFL course in Prague next year for a month.
Where we're going to get the money from I dont know. Guess i'll be hitting the over time pretty hard!
I love having my freedom back, I've been here there and everywhere, staying out late! Imagine! Past 12! On a School Night!
I dislike the fact that I have a lot less money than I did living at home, but I'm coping, just.
I still feel insanely guilty for leaving Mother and she likes to inform me about her meals for one and her loneliness.
But this is good. This is the right move. I havent yet made an effort with the people I live with. I loathe them, but its all good.
I just need more money to carry out my random schemes!