He died before I could see him on Thursday. L which stood for his nickname - Lolly - Chris to use his real name. Somehow its hit me harder than a lot of the previous deaths. He was so gentle, such a gentleman, a year younger than me. Hard to get my head around.

I lost my shit Thursday night too. A woman, my mums age. She had been winding me up for months, claiming to be his friend, but yet where was she? how comes she never visited when she only works 3 days a week, and the ROG is a 15 minute walk from his rehab unit. She text him every day. Bollocks I say, he didnt need texts, he got depressed and down and he needed friends. His family couldn't get there every day. He was in the hospital and rehab on his own with only his own thoughts.
When she found out, she put it on facebook, before anyone knew, before his family had a chance to tell people.
I'm being a bit hypocritical here. I found out at lunch and I rang a few people, people that wouldn't find out any other way. G who came on all those Thursday visits, L up in Hull. A couple of people from the museum that I knew I could trust to keep the news quiet.
But to broadcast it on Facebook. No. That was low in my eyes. It was his families right to tell the museum, to allow them to tell people.
I told her so, I called her scum, told her how dreadful I had found her behaviour, really let fly at her. Maybe some of it was grief expressing itself, but its two weeks on now and I don't regret it, she needed to know how wrong her behaviour was.

I got a new job that week too. For a man I see on a regular basis while walking my dog and he his, he works for a plant design company. Again something different! I will be doing admin though so hopefully it'll go ok. Closer to home ever so slightly, more money too.

Last Sunday I came home from Mull visiting TP and TJ. TP now thankfully all clear from the cancer. Mull was lovely, I went up on the FRiday night, the day after finding out about L and it was hard in parts, I kept thinking I'd tell him about castles I visited and collected leaflets for him.
But its always good to see them both and so many lovely long walks, Hero came too and she has never been so tired, bless her. Falling asleep sat up!

Home again and I had my last week at work. MY boss wasn't in so I took the piss completely, leaving at lunch time, calling in sick on Friday.

We did dog training today and I think there might have been a bit of a breakthrough speedwise with her. We're off to the UK Flyball Championships next week. I'm staying in a camper van with One Night Stand Guy and yeah. I'm hoping for something to happen between us, even a casual thing.

Before that though I'm visiting my Godparents Monday - Thursday. Not seen them since Nan's funeral so a few years now! They've not even met Hero! Looking forward to that as well!

It's been a full on three weeks! Hoping to report with some good news next weekend and on Monday 21st it's L's funeral which will be tricky to get through.....

So my friend Lolly. The one who had a stroke, the one I've visited every Thursday, watched him slowly, slowly learn to walk again and then watched go downhill again.
He went AWOL end of May, got cancer. Since then I've read messages and hoped, and hoped that my instincts were wrong. That it wasn't what I thought. That I was projecting those hateful memories of Dad onto him.
God I wanted so much to be wrong.
I wasn't wrong.
A friend M rang me Thursday. She'd heard stories about him going into a hospice.
We both tried to get hold of him and his brother. Friday night my fears were confirmed.
He has weeks, if not days. He didn't want to see anyone.
Heartbroken. I hated that I couldn't help him, couldn't see him. Needed to do something. As always I couldn't cry, forced myself to go do something.
Saturday afternoon I text his brother just to tell him that although I didn't understand what THEY were going through, I knew to a degree. That I respected their need for privacy but if they needed me, to get in touch.
He told me to visit. He said that Lolly was trying to protect us and would be overjoyed to see us.
So G and I went.
He was thin, painfully thin but I knew to expect that, still some padding about the face. Hard. So hard. So glad G was with me to bounce talk off of him.
He asked at one point if we knew why he was there. I said yes and that I had guessed a long time ago.
He was going to say more but we were disturbed by a nurse. He collected his thoughts and asked what I was saying. I panicked and thought that perhaps he didnt know so made up a story.
He said he was just there until they control the vomiting and diarrhoea.
Protecting us again.

I'm going to see him again on Thursday. No G this time so it will be hellish hard. 

Why am I going through this again? It's not fair and once again all I want to do is crawl under my duvet and cry, but something forces me on.
It's not fair on the most gentle, sweetest man I know. He needs a miracle.

Last day at work confirmed! Scary times - 10th of August. Applied for a few things with long expiry dates as away a fair bit with Mull and dog champs
I get three days to attend interviews etc, so I took advantage of that and had today off.
Went to see E on Saturday - think its the first time I've seen her since last Summer!!!

We took the Dog to Ashridge Forest and had a nice walk and catch up and possibly the biggest scone i've ever eaten

Dog training and riding, and then just chilling out. Been shortlisted apparently for a role in the city so we'll wait and see if that goes anywhere.
Still all a bit surreal that i'm actually going!!

So, here's what's going down.
We were offered redundancy or restructuring. I initially wanted to go down the new job route as very mindful of all that time off of work last time and being away most of August!
There are two roles going. One is for events supervisior - 22k a year, more grief, less support than I get now. No thanks.
Other is events coordinator, less hours, 1k a year less money, but I didnt think I'd be that bad off as I'd be paying less tax, NI, student loan etc.
So in my 2nd meeting, she starts telling me about over 140 candidates and how some of them were really strong, which immediately puts me off but I hand over my CV anyway thinking, well at least I know the place and clients.
I was told I had 24 hours to prepare a 10 minute interview talking about one of three topics, preparing marketing and financials. Well I can do marketing to a degree as I do it as one of my many roles now, but it'd be amateurish compared to someone who does it properly and I have no idea about financials!!

So with that as well as the knowledge that she had candidates that she couldn't wait to interview I decided it was a waste of everyone's time and told her I wanted to go for redundancy as well. She was physically shocked and recoiled when I told her!

So I've mostly spent the week doing my CV and applying for jobs.

Work don't realise all that I do, and will be so buggered when I go, refunds, bookings, alcohol licencing, the office training, the PAT testing and contractors I deal with, no one else even knows the bloody WIFI code!
Every time I think of it, I think its more and more ridiculous how they are really shooting themselves in the foot and I think they are starting to realise that as they have pushed the last meeting back to Tuesday as they feel "they are rushing us and we need more time to think"
I think that its too far down the line to stop - we are going now and good luck to the new person/persons!

Went out with the girls from work - remembered that girls can't drink a lot! Went to bed at 1.30 - woke up at 4.30 and drove to Reading for a dog show where we watched the football!
Is it coming home? I hardly dare to dream.....

And look! I'm already behind again! I've been offered redundancy at work. Well that or restructuring.

Gonna do the restructuring route. If I took redundancy its less than 1k, it'd start just before I go on holiday and then i'm a month behind in looking for work with no savings to fall back on.

Restructuring means a small pay cut, less hours and gives me that breathing space to get through my holiday and then start looking again for things.

Fuck sake Life. Can you just stop being a cunt for a bit? 

The problem with not blogging is then you fall out of the habit and then it's like a month later with no updates.
Work thing was shitty but not as bad as I feared. I did the fun ride and I had SO much fun, didn't really jump anything but that's ok we had some good canters and gallops and she didn't hare about out of control. Lots of love for her and its given me some extra confidence for hacking.
Managed to get out of the work fun day due to necessary works cancelling it. They did a sponsored bike ride today from London to Brighton. I was expected to go and watch. I didn't. Got better things to do with my Sunday (like watch the World Cup!)
How many world cups in this blogs existence? Brazil, South Africa, Germany. Think I started blogging sometime around the Japan and South Korea one.

One Night Stand Guy and I have been messaging a fair bit, just casual, friendly banter, a message or two most nights. Two weeks ago we stayed up chatting till quite late and I learned some things that possibly explain his fear of commitment.  Also learned that he has quite the typical fragile male ego! Bless. He's a nice guy really and it'd be very easy to start crushing on him but we're not playing that game any more!

L - Oh God i'm so worried about him. It's been 4 weeks now since he messaged to tell me that while in stroke rehab they discovered cancer in his bowels and lymph nodes. 4 weeks since I've seen him as he claims to be too tired.
He's gone home now. G messaged his brother as he thought maybe we'd upset him. L is weak, in lots of pain and doped up on morphine. I took the bat detector to lend to someone at the museum and they said that his line manager had phoned up his mum as always, only to have her rude and curt down the phone, saying (and this is where stories differ) two museum people tell me that she was told not to phone again, that she'd nearly lost L once and was preparing to lose him again.
Another friend, no longer at the museum tells me that his mum said not to call again as she'd got some bad news.

Spent Thursday convincing myself he was dying any minute and I'd not know, until he messaged me late on to tell me about an infection in his testicles. (really more detail than I ever needed to know)
Feel a bit more reassured now but I'd like to see him for myself to really put my mind at ease but so much harder now he's at his mam's to just drop around, even if he still was up for visitors!

That's all for now folks. I've had a lovely lazy weekend watching the football and now it's time to sort my life out for work again next week - One more week closer to my holiday and only 5 more sleeps until payday....

Oh god. Not looking forward to work tomorrow.

There was a man who booked a party for his kid a month or so back. Then he rang to admit he'd made a mistake with the date and asked if he could change it which I did. He then rang back a few weeks after that to see if he could change it back to the first date. I said he could and he said he was going to check with his wife and entertainer. I never heard back so left it at the changed date.
Well guess who showed up today which would have been the original date?
My boss panicked. Refunded the money and put him into a larger hall than he wanted. And she's a customer's always right person so i'm going to get into trouble tomorrow.

Dog did dog show this week, ran well. We were unlucky not to get a placing. Planning Flyball BBQ for next weekend and I've signed up to do a fun ride.
I think i'm gonna need it! Dreading tomorrow now. Absolutely dreading it.

Weirdly after my little bicker with One Night Stand guy we've been getting on better. I feel like the cool kids would have a term for this, but i'm just putting it down to having the awkward sex thing out of the way and now just being mates.
Dog has had three flyball comps in a row and has run appallingly at all of them. I was so angry yesterday I completely lost the plot and screamed at her.
I'm taking her to the vets (yet more bloody expense I can do without!) for a pain checkup just in case but I think it's sheer naughtiness.
L didn't want to see us last Thursday after all and when we went this Wednesday he was in a downer mood so that made it hard. So glad I have G there as well when we go to have someone else to talk too!

Charlton made the League One playoffs so I went to watch for the first time in three or four years (imagine that a few years back!) they lost and i've just watched them lose the away leg. I do miss going, but I have too many other things now to go on weekends and devote my life to it again.
Most of my friends have the same feelings which is sad.

So after last weeks dizzy 24 degrees it's now dropped to 7 degrees and of course because it was so warm it feels worse than that.

Been an up and down week here. I was really pleased with V horse on Tuesday, we had a fantastic lesson with only minor steering errors.
Thursday went to see L in hospital as normal. He'd been talking about coming out with me to see Lovely who was on one of his rare visits from Hull. Friday though he was bottling it, I got impulsive like I did and asked his OT if he could come. He was rather angry and disappointed about me going behind his back and I had to do some major grovelling but we made up and I went to the pub and met B and JD as well as Lovely and it was so nice to catch up.
Saturday was a flyball day in Billericky so not too far to travel which was good!
Had a mixed day. Great to see everyone and get back out racing. Dog didn't run too well, but pulled it back in the end to set up two PB's - 5.2secs! I want to make that consistent now.
Happy banter between me and One Night Stand Guy, got the bacon roll he owed me. Stole his dog. All good. It turns out that another girl who goes but doesn't run a dog works alongside him and mentioned to me that she hears through the grapevine that he's shit at sex and doesn't have the luck with the ladies that he mentions to me. So of course me being me, when we're having a fb chat later and he's mentioning that he's off out to sleep with some girl unless I want to come around, have to bring it up.
Talk about fragile masculinity!! He went completely off the handle. Demanding to know who I'd heard it from, claiming he was going to message her and find out who she had been speaking to.
I said  which wasn't a lie, and that I'd not been listening fully so it was entirely possible I'd got wrong end of the stick. But apparently I didn't "Get it" (the bad sex thing matches up with my experiences btw) and then moaned that I always belittled him.
Which irritated me and I pointed out that he mocks me for not spreading my legs for everyone and being single. I'm lonely yes, but I realise my lifestyle makes it hard to meet new people and anyway. I was very lucky to have had Welshy in my life for 13 years and if that never happens again, then so be it. I'm certainly not desperate for another relationship - too busy for that shit!
Anyway. We made up I guess. Although I'm wondering why you'd get that stroppy unless there was a grain of truth in it!!

Back to work tomorrow and I have two flyball comps next weekend. Looking forward to that and hoping for another good lesson on Tuesday and hopefully there will be no awkwardness when we visit L in hospital Thursday!!!!

Its finally warmed up! Admittedly jumping from 12 to 24 was a bit much and
I'm rather pink and suffering from usual heat related complaints but its still nice to be in a t shirt for a change.

Usual routine here. Had an awful stomach bug that I'm still not 100% over - lost 1.5kg from it! Payday and instantly blown a lot of it on getting bird seed, dog food and trim and sorting the tortoise out. Annoyingly his lights have blown AGAIN!! He may only be awake for 6 months but he costs me more in that time than all the others put together!!
First outdoor comp of year next week - cant wait!

Busy week. Had an interview. Didn't get it. Bit gutted really. It would have been perfect!
Just gotta keep eye out for something else.
Made a lot of cakes this weekend as is the last day we have access to the field I walk the dog in.

One Night Stand guy popped up on Friday, wanting me to come around. I was busy baking. I know he was texting another girl at same time as me. I know that he had a girl come around when I refused as busy.

Part of me says that going to him makes me a pushover- makes him not respect me. I don't think he respects any female, certainly not the way he treats them. Although I appreciate how he's always been honest with me.

Then the stupid impulsive part of me whispers - what's the harm in going around there - apart from its a bloody long drive! I like and miss sex and both of us know where we stand.

I think it's the other girls bit that bothers me. If it was just me, then I could do it a lot more and accept it a lot more.

I used my time off of work wisely, I went to the dinosaurs in the wild at the 02 event, the one that got postponed from the first bout of snow.
As expected I was the only attendee without a small child. No awkward looks there whatsoever! It was very well done however. Based of off Jurassic Park and of course it all went wrong needing us to "evacuate"
I also went down the V and A for an exhibit about Winnie the Pooh and then one on cruise ships and then pottered into the NHM for a slightly disappointing Venom exhibition. Still. As I get to go to these things for free I can't complain!

I rode a fair bit which was good, had a pop over some jumps - nothing major just mostly 50cm and a 60 to finish, felt rather confident doing them which was good, even if they were a bit untidy!

I also have had a bit of a riding breakthrough in terms of my errant hands and contact so all good there!

Monday just gone however the poor dog got very sick, vomiting and fitting. I thought I was going to lose her. As it was all I lost was close to 85 pounds, and the insurance is covering the rest - nearly a thousand pounds! Poor, poor little dog. Broke my heart. She's better now thankfully, just building her strength back up and of course I'm now horribly bankrupt because of it.

I have an interview! Crazily it works out as 10 hours less a week, but nearly 200 pounds a month more - I also would get the fancy pants title of manager. We'll see. It might be beyond me and I've had my fingers burned before lets face it chasing money.

What else? Oh yes me and the receptionist at work went to see the Woman in Black. I pretended I hadn't seen it again. I wanted her to come with me during the Easter Break when I was getting fed up about it being three days since I spoke to anyone in person. Her commitments meant we had to wait until Wednesday.
It was good as always. Couldn't help but note it was the same seats that me and Welshy occupied once nearly 8 years ago. Sigh.

The thing is I have moved on from the relationship side of what we were. I just can't seem to move on from the friendship side and I miss that. Perhaps that's just cos i'm a bit lonely.

Other news? I ended up back in London again yesterday. L is so much better now, he's had the op to fix his skull and he had tickets for the Charles 1st exhibition at the Royal Academy. So off we trotted with his carer. He's hoping to be allowed home soon.

We've finally lost the battle for the field and now i'm not sure where I'll walk the dog come winter. The 16th is the last day and I'll be sad to lose it and the friends I've made walking there.

Gutted - my flyball competition over Easter has been called off due to the shit weather we've had lately.
But on other hand, although my hotel is non-refundable, I'm not spending on the petrol, the food for myself and the Dog, and car parking etc I gotta tell CL that i'm not coming after all which is sad, but hey ho.

Now to find something else for me to do! And at least I still get the time off of work - speaking of work, its still rather iffy as to how the charity is going. I'm applying for another job at the moment, although re-writing my covering statement is boring!
They also want to do the fun day in July - same day as I was planning on going to see TP and TJ. Yay. Everyone has to attend so that's a bugger as I really don't want to do it, then drive to bloody Derbyshire!
Was suggested that perhaps they'd rather come to London and volunteer!
Also I got summoned back into work on Wednesday to meet with a client that really the caretaker should have been able to show about which ate into my time visiting Lolly.
I got told I need to get my priorities right when I complained about both!

Whatever.

I'm looking after two other dogs this week, a beagle and a lurcher. Both have surprised me about how lazy they are (although both slightly porky!) I did worry about if they'd come back to me but they have been very good, although it's hard work looking after three dogs when out and about!

They go home on Tuesday - phew!

Didn't blog. Had it on my mind that I needed to, just well. too lazy!

THis week has been an ok week, I got to work from home Wednesday morning, which was great - bit longer in bed, bit longer walking Dog in morning. Did some housework.
Happy days.
I can't get over how it was so warm this week and yet this weekend it has done nothing but snow -albeit that annoying not really settling snow.
I started applying for new jobs again, I don't really want to but I think its a case of at least now I have a choice, where as if I leave it a few months longer I might not have that choice! I hope not.
I also don't really want to go but needs must.
I saw a great job which ticks all my boxes so spent this weekend applying for that.
As mentioned a couple of weeks back I took M to court. It went as expected. Also interestingly J announced that he had "forgotten" the existence of an isa and now all of a sudden there 60 odd k floating about to be spread between the family!
Moron.

Oh yeah! Great News! TP is nearly finished her radiotherapy and this weekend for the first time we saw L walk when we visited him in the rehab unit. Fantastic news for all concerned!

I tried to ride today, wasn't successful. Idiot horse freaked out at a tractor next door before I got on. I got my finger trapped, its now a little swollen and I can't bend the top of it or put any pressure or grip with it.
TBF I couldn't really bend it anyway - the result of breaking it in a playfight with Welshy when living in Spain and not having hospital or doctors near us who could treat it!
Will give it a day or two to heal - seems a silly thing to go to the doctors about and by the time I get an appointment it'll probably be healed anyway!!

Well we had the predicted snow - although definitely not snowmageddon! Has been deeper in this blogs existence!
Thought it would be a bit of a washout as although bitterly, vilely cold and snowing heavily on Monday morning, it had stopped by time I got bus to Eltham and melted by time I finished at opticians.
Tuesday I hacked V and it was fine, but by the time I was hacking G it was snowing and settling. Got some cute photos of him with snow in his ears and I had a fine layer on me!
Of course by the time I got home, it wasn't about - just 6 miles between us!
Woke up Wednesday to about 5cm or so. Dug out an old plastic planter and headed up to Oxleas for sledging fun! Don't care how old I am, couldn't resist! Had lots of fun.
Thursday and novelty is starting to go, I tried to build a snow castle with snow bricks I made from an old tupperware pot and it worked relatively well until I got too carried away and tried to dye it orange and then it fell down!

Poor birds though, I couldn't get anything to stay up to give them shelter and it was so bitterly cold! Thursday I think was the worst day with windchill of -10 although really only -2.

Started to pick up and although it snowed steadily Friday afternoon, preventing me from riding, it was nearly all gone Saturday and is only currently still remaining in the sheltered places.

It was nice to have the snow although frustrating as it stops you going out and about and I felt like I missed out again on the joy of having a week off of work!

Still not long until I get a few days off on top of the Easter Bank Holidays and I used the time wisely cleaning the house. Brat even wanted to socialise with me and we played a couple of games of monopoly, which is the first time in a couple of years we've hung out since the random invites to the pub ocasionally to play pool.

I feel very tired today strangely and indeed did so yesterday.

Back to the routine tomorrow, sad times but as I said, not long until I have a few days off again, planning a day trip to the New Forest and hopefully will get to see CL as well.

Another standard week here. I booked my hotel for the Hampshire flyball comps, and the outward flight to Grotty out of the insurance money which is pleasing.
Had to get two new front tyres and new jods and trainers which ate into my wages and have an opticians appointment tomorrow.

Snowmaggedon is apparently on the way. Think i'll believe it when I see it although it is bitterly, bitterly cold!

Week off starting tomorrow which is exciting, although I think I'll be hibernating if it does get horrid!!!

Too tired Sunday, no excuses for not doing it yesterday.

Had my appraisal at work. I made a throwaway remark to my boss about being deaf. I do genuinely think there's something in it, I struggle to hear sometimes, sometimes there's a popping or a buzzing in my ear. I think I have tinnitus from a night in a club in San Adrian.
Anyway, she's taking it seriously and putting me down as having a disability! As if the glasses wasn't bad enough! I really should go to the doctors again. Welshy made me go a few years back and although they gave me the all clear there's definitely something there.

I'm off next week. I don't want a hearing aid. I should go, and not put it off.

Was at a competition with the dog on Sunday hence the being too tired to blog, was a good day - our team won and we picked up another first place and two seconds.

I ended up looking after One Night Stand's dog all day. She's as good as gold really - puts mine to shame! He also talked me into taking her back to his.

Been a bit of banter between us the last few days. Anyway Sunday night he told me he was horny and invited me back. I didn't go. I was already at home in my pjs by then and the thought of driving the 20-30 minutes to his place for a quick fuck and then driving back didn't appeal.

Nothing to read into it though - i'm so tempted to take him up on the offer if not for the fear of something getting complicated between us and also - yeah its a lot of hassle for not much reward! Now if dinner was included then I might be even more inclined to join in.

The crazy family are self-imploding again. Uncle I is taking M to court. D is trying to distance himself from it, I and J are saying that M is in cahoots with Mother about the money. That M is trying to cover something up. I dunno. Tempted to go see the whole grotty thing unfold next week, we'll see. Probably more aggro than its worth!!!

Sitting here trying to think of things to tell you about this week.
Insurance finally came though. Of course it came two days after I ran out of money and took out a payday loan. So that's where that is going!

I took the receptionist at work and her daughter to the yard to meet V and have a sit. Perfectly behaved for them. half hour later we're cantering on the spot and bouncing to get away from a wood chipper. Daft mare.

I booked to get new tyres put on the car. My boss and I had to go to Sidcup and she asked me to take my car so "she didn't have to leave her parking spot" I was still on the verge of poverty then and decided to "pretend" that I had forgotten as I really didn't want to waste the petrol, especially after driving to Gatwick and back!
She only made me go home and get my car and then we were late to the meeting! Hahaha!

Dog training today. She is frustrating. Running properly with netting, running out the minute it is removed. I think maybe we have to keep the netting in there and hope she forgets? Although you can't have netting in competitions....

We're at Maidstone next week and I'm dog sitting One Night Stand's Dog - No mince pie incidents there hopefully!

Been a bitter cold week, with a disappointing lack of snow.

Obviously dog not cured as ran out lots today. Sigh.

Insurance is dealing with my claim now so that's something. Fingers crossed it comes back soon. A lovely, lovely lady in the field where I walk Dog gave me £50 for her plight. I felt awful. I hadn't told her my tale of financial woe for that but at same time overwhelmed that she did so.

Mothership and TMWMITW came back Friday night and then flew away Saturday to LA. Its possible that his money/copyright case will be dealt with by time he comes back.
Joked that he could buy me a horse and pay for its upkeep each month. Took it all rather seriously and busted my bubble. Not that I was serious, I'd struggle with time if I had one of my own anyways.

Nothing else really to report back here. its bitter, bitter cold and the forecast is for snow but I bet its a huge disappointment again.

Not too much to report on. Dog got all clear from blood tests. Nearly cried in despair however when she found a raisiny cinnamon roll yesterday and took a bite. How can you take her to the vets for the same thing in not even a week? I self medicated with wine and scraped out the last of the activated charcoal and fed her that.

Sent insurance forms off so now to sit and wait for them.

Day off tomorrow and i'm looking forward to it. I have lots of plans, the dog and I are going for a long walk, I have to take flowers to Nanny and Granddad's grave and pick up mum's travel insurance. I had planned to get a new car tyre but yeah.... stupid dog put paid to that one this month!

She ran really well at training today, very pleased and hoping that she has got over the worry of having another dog run at her, but we'll see how she gets on next week. Too much to hope that she is cured right away but luckily there is two more training sessions before next comp.

Horse is lame but I wasn't really in the mood for a long ride today after training so that suited me to have a short potter around the woods.

Welshy's birthday today and i'm busy overthinking a comment from Lolly. Urgh. Tired of this nonsense.