You know you're getting old when:

• Your boyfriend is convinced you're losing your hearing and makes you take two hearing tests online and go to the doctors for a check.
• You make the conclusion that you shouldn't have a drink past 9pm as otherwise it means getting up in the middle of the night and MY FUCK is it cold at the moment.

Other new starter has bailed through illness, so only me so far. Its ok, they're talking of trying to get someone else in. They had their xmas party last Friday. Everyone bar Charby and the Muslim down one end not working but drinking. Drank a reasonable amount of Rose wine and went to bed mourning my lack of friends. Not like they haven't had time to plan for me to attend, I mean I had the interview end of October....

TBH I don't really give a fuck. Although I desperately want to go and have a night out. Only been out three or four times since returning from Spain in April.

Welshy is talking about returning to India in the new year, Don't know if I can face that hellish flight again. The new year brings the start of my 30th year. I want to go to South Africa for my actual birthday.

If I'm kept on at the company, I'm hoping for a decent wage increase and then I plan to buy my pony. I've actually spent this evening working out start up costs and what it'd cost me per year. Although I really need to call up a lot of yards to get livery fees, but I don't see the point of doing that until I know I'm settled at work and in the position to do so, I reckon I could do it, I can cover farrier and Vet bills and saddler/back bills. Feed/hay/bedding could be the downfall though, but again thats dependent on how often the horse could live out, whether I went for straw or shavings, what it needs to eat.

Terrifyingly I'm going to the doctors on Tuesday for a hearing examination. Since a night out in Jan in Spain where I danced all night under a speaker they've not been great. Welshy reckons I've gone a little deaf. Every now and then I can feel my ear drum vibrating. Hopefully it'll just need a good cleaning out. Don't fancy a hearing aid.

Been an interesting week.
Gave up on 6.30 starts and am now always racing the clock by lying into 7. Much more civilised and as long as public transport plays nicely, its do-able.
It started a little shaky but now I'm starting to feel more confident in what i'm doing and what needs to be done.
Completed my first real sign off! whoop! Although it didn't really count as it was only a reference I needed to chase up. Some of this stuff scares me, they're sending them out to work without references, without criminal record checks, without proper ID and all sorts missing.
Some cases I only have 33% of the file there. Doesn't fill me with confidence but I guess that's my job! To get them to the full 100%! Its also a bit frustrating to find that the paperwork exists but has been filed incorrectly or not placed on the system.
Settled in already which is a bit disconcerting cos, as Welshy says. I need to look at it like I'm going again in January.
Speaking of job hunting, I got offered two interviews on Friday! Hahaha! Sadly I can't attend any of them. I also went and interviewed a new pony, but I don't think she's for me. I know what I'm capable of riding and she wasn't it. The lady was lovely though which was a shame.

I miss my Sunnypony! Although at the moment I'm enjoying not rushing about in the cold riding and doing horsey chores. It'll only be a matter of weeks before I want a new hooved chum!

Decided to take a break from ponies for a week or two and get used to working again.
Up at 6.30! Far too early! It depresses me that if I worked local I'd never earn enough for a horse, but working in the city means I have no time for one. Is it possible I'm destined never to get one?

New job got off to a wrong start when despite getting there 15 minutes early, I ended up 15 minutes late waiting at the old office for someone to meet me and then realising they weren't going to and not being able to figure out how to get in the new office!

Oh and then not knowing how long lunch was and taking A LOT longer than expected. Still day went ok, bit slow but anything in an office will be. I'm not really cut out for office life!

Was considering taking a Spanish exam in the new year dependent on pennies. Reckon I could blag the lower level C grade GCSE equivalent DELE style-y exam without too much revision. Just need motivation!

Also! Been 5 weeks since I've had anything more than a Pimms and lemonade to drink. I'm practically teetotal. Noted as it was the last time I got any money!

Since my last post. I've received the grand total of 57 quid from the job centre! Much riches! I'm a lucky Girl!

But I have proper updates for you. I really should go back into doing this, I have no excuses for not having time!
I have a job! I went for an interview with M and S, impressing the woman with my 12/16 in my customer service test and then I got offered a full time, temp-till-end-of-Jan-but-with-potential-to-become-permanent office job with a medical recruitment agency.
I start Monday, the wages are shit. Like lower than I was on at the NMM but considering I've had nothing coming in since September..... Beggars can't be choosers!

I also had an interview and a second interview for another company that I didn't get. Would have preferred that as it was lots more pennies plus a decent annual bonus.

Welshy is employed too! In a rather bizarre way, in a language school out in Wimbledon although he doesn't seem to have any students, huh. We'll see how long that takes to work out!

Sadly all this job lark means I have to say goodbye to Sunny Pony. I have no facilities to ride him in the dark and its not safe to go out on the roads.

I fulfilled my aim of making him rideable for his young owner but I'm sceptical about the chances of him staying rideable by the Spring... I hope to be proved wrong but I know ponies and he was still attempting to take the pee out of me and if he has time off to forget what he's learnt and how to behave.

Need a new pony to fall in love with. Put an advert up for a new part loan on Wednesday and have at least 7 replies asking for me to go ride. Haven't replied to any of them as.
a) somehow convinced myself I couldn't afford it, even though it'll be the same as riding at a riding school, if not cheaper.
b) I may not be so lucky as to fool someone else into thinking I know what I'm doing!

I'm a moron with no self-confidence!

Jobcenter calls. 'Yeah the reason you can't get money in august...'
Me. 'Wait. I'm asking why I've not got anything in SEPTEMBER and why I got a letter saying its against the law to pay me in October.'
Man puts me on hold for a bit. Comes back. 'I can't explain your letter but you need to get a rapid reclaim form'. Me. 'But I did that. On the first.' 
Man. 'Sorry can't help you further' 
Hangs up.

More job centre woes!

Apparently despite someone telling me that once I'd done this temp work I needed to fill in a certain form, someone else telling me that this was correct and the person who handed me the form also assuring me that this was the correct form, I learnt today that the form I actually filled in was one closing my account.
So no job centre money until I go make another new claim ( my third since April) and God only knows if they'll back date it to the 13th of September.
So, another wasted trip to the centre, more money wasted on calling them up. I was told that I was either lying, or had been mistaken and that she didn't have time to check this with the person sitting next to her, who also happened to be the woman who had assured me that I was filling in the correct form.

Urgh. So depressing, so depressed. Big black cloud sitting on me today. No will to apply or job search. No will to go out with my NMM friends this evening.
Came home and napped.

Going to see the Idiotpony tomorrow and take him for a schooling session. Hopefully that'll perk things up a bit and then I can get cracking with it all.

Welshy came home Friday night, Hurrah! He spent the night and then went up to Brum and then onto Wales, if I didn't know better I'd get a complex about him not wanting to see me!

Please let something good happen soon.

Went for interview Thursday.

Good point.
 Unlike last one, I'd have an office. Rather than a divided corner in the middle of an Indian cash n carry.

Bad point.
I'd have to pretend to be three different people. Including Irene from Accounts.

Now that's a dream career move!

Vienna was really nice. I really recommend it for anyone fancying a short break somewhere. I even managed to get there despite flying to Bratislava! Small problem actually getting off of the train in Ed's town but I combatted that over the next few days by making sure I got on the train carriage with the most people on so someone else could open the door for me! Cunning eh?
I spent most of my time lurking in Welshy's room though, despite him telling me it was ok to spend his money I felt guilty and to be honest. I felt a bit urk and unwilling to explore much.
Went to Vienna to see the Spanish Riding School. A childhood dream realised. Saw morning exercise and then a grand tour of the stableyard and tack areas.
Lovely.
Had another fit of the glumps walking about though and declared to Welshy that it wasn't all that really. When I did have a nice time, just a shame I didn't have the money to visit any of the museums and things.
Went into the Butterfly House though. EVERYONE loves butterflies!
Had an explore around Schwechat (Welshy's town), walking down by the river where I was bemused as to whether they have or had beaver living in the rivers.
Epic night of drinking on Friday. My First proper session since returning from Spain and I got drunk very, very quickly.
Ended up requesting that Welshy took me to the room at 3am where I promptly fell asleep.
Woke up at 8 to get back into Vienna to see the proper riding school performance. I think if I go again then I'd make sure I paid for the real seats as although I could see about 3/4 of the arena, I did miss a few things and had people in front of me preventing me from seeing a lot of the "airs above the ground"
Small complaint about the monghead who took a flash photo of the 8-horse performance despite them saying no photos which spooked one and generally with horses if one spooks then flight instinct takes over and they all spook!
Could have caused an incident but apart from that the performance was a dream.

Back home now and its pissing with rain. Applied for 8 jobs yesterday and one already today. Weathers rained heavily since Sunday morning and I'm not too impressed at this and my chances for riding this week.
(hate riding in rain, Idiotpony is convinced crocodiles live in puddles and my glasses steam up making it impossible to see).
Ah well. Tomorrows another day and Welshy will be back Friday night.

Well I did the the three days and my God were they tiring! I was leaving the house not long after 7am, working close to 10 hrs with a 20 minute break and then getting home around 9pm.
I am NOT designed to sit there for 10 hours straight, I got terrible cramp in my legs and the SAP program I was using has ridiculously tiny font.
I had a bit of an argument about it with Mother about if they'd offer me a full time position. I don't think I could do it, it'd kill me. I'd have no time for anything during the week, football or riding and I would just be shattered at weekends.
Part time maybe but fulltime is just stupid.
H2 sent me a lovely parcel! With sweeties in and a lovely card to cheer me up!
Had a lovely session on the Idiotpony on Friday. We've been working on building up muscles and co-ordination for canter and although we have nailed it on one rein, its still non-existent on the other.
Still... it'll come and I'm very pleased with him and the work I've done with him. He's turning into a lovely little pony, if still very opinionated about when he's had enough work!
Rather depressingly I went to the Bank today and asked to close my ISA. I'm tired of being nearly 4k in debt and my ISA will cover that, I can always start saving again I suppose!

Hopefully will get paid soon from this temp work and hopefully will get some more lined up upon my return!
Applying for shop work now for Christmas. Depressing times.


BUT! I'm going to Vienna on Monday! Whooopie!

Went for another lovely early morning hack with the Sunny-pony, slightly jumpy today but he's only been ridden once this week, so probably a bit fresh, he's so unfit bless him. Did lots of sitting trot work with him! So comfy, like a moving sofa!
Hung about for a bit afterwards and helped his owner bathe him for a show tomorrow. While I was waiting I got a call from the agency I did the days work for and may have work lined up for the middle of next week. That'd be fab! Especially if it is the full three days.
Oh yeah, I've just been looking at my balance and I'm getting my JSA payment on Monday. So confused now! Does that mean I've not been punished for missing the appointment? Or has it just not kicked in yet? Answers on a postcard please!!

So yeah, despite having no money I'm going to Vienna in two weeks to see Welshy. Going to the Spanish Riding school and then probably just sit in the hotel room all day finding something that is free to do! Hahaha!
Yay For Welshy for paying for my accommodation! And Yay for Credit cards and cheap cheap Ryanair flights!

Ok, so I'm seriously fucked. Went straight from well dodgy job interview to sign on, where the advisor casually informs me they're cancelling my claim.

I act like a complete idiot and burst into tears, apparently I need to reclaim as Welshy is away for so long now that he's being taken from their system and I need to reapply as a single person. Right. So the last time we did this was when he was away for a month and I couldn't finish my claim as I needed his wage slips, which get posted when he gets home. In three weeks, possibly five.
So once they get hold of that it can take two weeks to process and provide me with money. That's a potential seven weeks without money.

I manage to get a hold on myself without making too much of an idiot and then they inform me that i'm being punished for failing to attend when requested two signing on dates and phoned to reschedule.
One is deeply, deeply unfair, I was due to sign on at 11.45. I was there. The reception lady told me I wasn't due till 2pm, I questioned this, was told to phone an office in Belfast, who told me I was due to sign on at 12.30. Well I couldn't do that. I had an interview in Vauxhall, I left, phoned up to make a new appointment. As requested I sent email proof that I was attending an interview. So. Punished for doing what they want me to do, to find work. I jumped through all the hoops. No good.

Minus one weeks money (not sure when that's due to come, too distraught to question) so. Half of 145 gone. I burst into sobs. Again. I can and am appealing this decision but frankly I have no hope or faith in me getting it back. Especially with them cancelling my claim and wiping themselves from their books. I no longer exist as far as the Job Centre care.

But what am I to do? I have no more savings! In face I'm down to the last 14.20 in my account before.... I don't even know what will happen. Will I be declared bankrupt? I just don't know!
So I phoned up Belfast in desperation and pleaded my case. Some faceless machine suggested I sell my pets, my birds, Geronimo when I said about needing to pay for them. He also suggested I apply for a "Crisis Loan" which apparently takes two weeks to process and can be paid back out of my JSA when I get it again.

I hung up and sobbed all the way home.

How can I get a loan when I can't afford the repayments? What else am I supposed to cut out of my life? Mum says I can just owe her rent until I get sorted and then pay her back. Maybe I should sell my animals, I have a few babies from this year's clutch. I should stop paying to go ride. That'd save me 13.50 a week. I don't go out apart from that, but I'm slowly sinking further and further into debt. 

I can/will have to see if I can access my ISA, its locked away and I guess I will pay a fine. Fuck, I've saved and scrimped forever to have some emergency savings. They were supposed to be for a horse or house. I'm never going to be in a position to afford a horse or to move out.
If I can't get into that, I will have to see if I can move some credit card money over and get bigger interest payments from that, but hopefully I could get JSA again within the month to cover payments?

I don't know anymore. My head hurts from crying and I can't breathe and I don't know what to do for best.

Had really nice day with H2 and Oldest Child at paralympics, my face got burnt! lol! Watched Oscar Grumpypants pick up his silver and David Wier get his Gold.
I really regretted having no money, couldn't afford to buy a nice souvenir and I couldn't afford to buy tea or anything to drink until H2 gave me one of her water bottles. On my way home I counted my change and thought I could buy a small portion of chips on my way home (There's nothing to eat in the house, I can't afford to shop for me and The Brat and so he's started buying his own food and I simply can't - I've lived off of 5 for £3 supernoodles and peanut butter sandwiches all week - and then Brat ate three quarters of a jar of  peanut butter in one of his unholy concoctions, so then I ate bread and butter sandwiches! Thank fuck Mum's home tomorrow!)
Anyway, turned out I was 2p short for chips so I ate another packet of supernoodles when I got home! Hahaha!
I was so hopeful that I could sell the three paradressage tickets I had spare for tomorrow after people let me down and gain 30 quid but I can't and I just cried all the way home on the 386.

I've always kinda felt that things would get better, even on days when I've written here and been utterly miserable. But I just don't think that anymore. I think this is it. I will never be able to afford to escape Mother and the Brat and their poison. Life will never get any better than it was at the NMM, when I thought I had friends before that was destroyed. I'm going to look for shop work again. I was stupid to pretend that I'm good enough to do anything else. Fuck I've even learnt that I don't have enough experience to work in a Museum(!) After three fucking years as a Gallery Assistant and One as a Supervisor.

I dreamt I died the other night, I felt my heart stop and my blood stop pounding. It hurts I learnt. But a numbing kind of pain, but I was scared and I don't want that to happen. Thursday I will go see Sunny Pony and I will have nothing for three hours to concentrate on but him. I need that, he needs me.
And then after that he will need me on Saturday. Then my two days next week. I need to focus on those days and work forward constantly to them.

So. Two weeks ago Welshy headed to Vienna for work, was expecting him home yesterday. So why's he not at home? Well, he volunteered for a week in Milan, and then got offered two more weeks in Vienna and a possible two more after that. Not sure if I'll ever see him again! Haha!
Jobhunting is still sucky, went and did a days attempted shredding in an office in Angel the other day, didn't want me on the second day, although I never discovered that until after I arrived in the office. Didn't matter so much in the end. I had a nice day out, went to British Museum to see the exhibit about Arabian horses, and then to the Natural History Museum, where I blagged two free tickets to see Animals Inside Out and one about Scott of the Antarctic.



Fuck me! Just watched some Brazilian cripple smash Oscar Pistorus. Simply flew along! Off tomorrow to meet H2 and Oldest Child to get me some para-athletics action and then para-dressage on Tuesday. Bit pissed about the dressage, two years ago when I found out I could get tickets ahead of schedule for them and the Olympics, I got 4 tickets, shame how now I can't find anyone to take them, and believe me 30 quid would be VERY welcome now! Serious cash flow problems.

Oscar's a bit grumpy btw about having lost, reckons his bouncy blades were cheating or something?

I took Idiotpony for our first solo hack today! Thought it might end disasteriously as I got off and walked with him a few times as he got frightened and being a baby needs someone to follow to give him confidence. Ended out for nearly 3 hours though! Such an adventure!

Am taking him to use a school on Thursday. Wish I hadn't arranged this now I know the true extent of my finances! Turned down taking him to a show next Sunday. Simply can't afford to buy the new things I need.

Ah well. The next two days should be awesome and Welshy was talking about buying me flights to Vienna which'd be fab! Need a holiday! Hahaha!

I love how small the horsey world is! I was speaking to my old instructor on facebook about the possibility of her coming out to see me and Idiotpony, meanwhile I was emailing an enquiry to some local yards about the possibility of me hiring the arena or hacking over to have a lesson with him.
Anyway, turned out that the guy I was emailing was a mutual friend of my old instructor and Idiotpony had been stabled at his yard previously!
Funny stuff!

Holy fuck he cracked and washed all the dishes! Hurrah! I can tidy the kitchen properly now!
What else is new? Not a lot, went and battled the jsa morons again Tuesday. Apparently the missing money Welshy is owed is basically down to "the mood of the person doing the filing" How the FLYING FUCK is that even a system! Its pot luck! Madness.

Had an interview Tuesday too. All was going well until they started talking about a computer programme I've never ever heard of.
Ho hum. Applied for 11 more today. Surely statistically one of those will get back to me?

I've got a real teacher coming out to see me and Idiotpony on Friday. Yippie. I really need some help with the napping and to encourage me that I'm going in the right direction. Oh I may have gone and got myself another pony to ride while I'm there. I'm such a pony slut.

It was my birthday Tuesday! Happy Birthday to me! 29! Fuck me. Ancient. Bones creak now when I stand. Actually I've always had clicky joints, I need some edible WD40 (don't suggest that disgusting fish oil crap to me either.)
Went and walked over the 02 building, which was odd, its like a steep trampoline, views amazing though at the top, then me and Welshy did some cocktails, ate dinner with P and E and L who were there by co-incidence. Nice day.
Wednesday I brought myself a lovely new riding hat and a beautiful 3 ft purple sparkly riding whip... made it VERY hard to resist the purple bargain basement jods. Stupid lack of funds.
Walking back through London with the whip caused a few comments, didn't help that I didn't realise just HOW low cut my new top was. Yeah. Pervy bastards out there.
Rode Idiotpony on Thursday, he was rather uncooperative. Tomorrow I plan on getting up early and hacking out before it gets busy. I don't want a repeat of last weeks attempt of nearly sitting on a silver car while the driver was in shock behind the wheel. (no blame to driver, he was doing the correct thing, passing wide and slow. Blame goes solely to the killer Tesco bag in the bush and idiotpony, being.... Well an idiot!)


PS. Tomato covered plates are still there.

The Tomato Sauce Incident.

So. If you've been reading this for a while, you are aware of how I have complained how cunty my brother and mother can be to me. Perhaps you may have thought that perhaps this was an over-reaction on my part. Perhaps I was being a spoiled brat.
Anyway, all week he's been eating some unholy mess of melted peanut butter, baked beans and salt (salts very important apparently) and leaving the plates, here, there and everywhere. To prevent a repeat of last years war where I gathered up all his dirty plates left in the computer room and left them outside his bedroom door, I put them into the kitchen, where they have sat all week.

Now lets point out that we have a dishwasher, so merely involves putting plates into that until its full and then putting it on. Not rocket science. Not hard work. Unfortunately Brat seems to believe otherwise and that's where they've stayed.

Last night, rather sarcastically (he felt the need to point out he was being so) he shouted that: "You might be able to find time in your busy day to clean the kitchen." 

I started to say that I do so when I worked fulltime and I cleaned all his stuff up then too, that its not like its much for him to do. Anyway, he slammed the door and we heard him rooting about in the kitchen. Later I went out to get a drink and I came across this.

Yup. He's taken all the clean plates out and smeared tomato sauce over them so I have to clean them if me and Welshy want to eat. There are two plates in the dishwasher from our meal earlier that night and that's all.

So, as a result that I perfectly reasonably refused to scrape his plates and put them in the dishwasher, we got this reaction. I'm 29 tomorrow. He's 26 in September. This is ridiculous. I don't have a problem with putting the odd plate in the washer. But I see no reason why I should do it all the time for him or go around the house rounding up his dirty food remains. So. Am I the one being childish or is he? Or are we both as bad as each other? Mother has already told me that I need to clean up after him while she is away, but I just don't see why I should.

Except now the house stinks of sauce. I'm feeling like I'm the brat for refusing to do what really is nothing to me, except I'm so tired of being the only one who does the washing, the hoovering, the cleaning. I don't see what me being at work or not matters. Its stuff I'm expected to do regardless.  

So judge me Internet. Am I as petty and spoiled as my brother? Is he in the wrong? Am I? Lets face it, I'm going to clean all this up at some point or it'll sit there till mum gets home in three weeks and then I'll be moaned at for winding him up.

I've just had the best three days at the Olympics. As always I've been gripped by all sorts of stuff that I'd not normally watch. On Sunday me, E and LLL went to see the eventing dressage, in the middle of the worst thunderstorm that made me feel quite exposed up on our seat in the gods surrounded by metal....
Dressage is normally pretty dull but the day simply flew by. My favourite was the Japanese guy who finished the day in first place - not expected at all. And of course I saw Zara, Will Fox Pitt and Mark Todd, all heroes amongst men.
Monday was cross country day and I'd only got the tickets on the Friday. Plan was to meet E and The Usurper for an eventing breakfast but three hours before the event was due to start it was already backed up, so I went in. I got an awesome spot by the drop fence and watched a few riders before finding those two and we toured the fences. Such a rollercoaster of emotion. Cheering on the Brits, then horses dropping like flies on the course, one rider breaking her pelvis and tearing her horses tendons to shit. Saw a Jap rider completely flip over in front of us which was horrid and we feared for its future after the screens went up.
Then everything was a sigh of relief when they went clear in front of us and we heard that they finished safely. Really brings home just how dangerous eventing is!
Then me and Mother went to the showjumping, the final element to the three day event. I was a bit pissed about this, as mother had previously just assumed she was going with me and never offered to give me the money for the ticket. But she seemed to really enjoy it and again, it was edge of your seat stuff - we were so, so close to gold but wasn't to be.
Feeling a bit anti-climatic now and even watching Gemma pick up silver in the judo hasn't revived me. (For what its worth, we went to the same judo club and her mum worked with mine until she died.)

Still off to see SunnyPony tomorrow. Am inspired to pick up the schooling work and start preparing for some shows hopefully. Although lack of transport lets us down. :(