Ow!
OW! ow! ow!
Went to STF's to watch Blade2 before going to the cinema to see the 3rd,
Except he disappeared off and went to sleep and me and N got involoved in a fight, involving my getting slapped by shoes, and the TV remote, and believe me, he doesn't hold back just cos I'm a girl.
Ow! ow! ow!
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
hehehehehe!
My Dad's gonna become a crack whore!
Well maybe not.
Doctors are prescribing him methadone for the lung cancer, to try and ease the cough!
I suggested selling it on the steet corner so we could pay for the loft to be done up.
Uncle G has already offered to put Dad in touch with the right people
My Dad's gonna become a crack whore!
Well maybe not.
Doctors are prescribing him methadone for the lung cancer, to try and ease the cough!
I suggested selling it on the steet corner so we could pay for the loft to be done up.
Uncle G has already offered to put Dad in touch with the right people
Absolutely shattered.
Just done my first set of xmas shopping, picking up presents for The Mothership, TP and TJ, H2 I&C and I's b'day present, plus things for Not-so-Evil Mike and John Cassella and Bobby Robson.
Absolutely knackered, I hate shopping and it was too busy and if I hear "I wish it could be christmas every day" one more time, I shall kill someone.
Now I gotta wrap them all.
Urk.
Just done my first set of xmas shopping, picking up presents for The Mothership, TP and TJ, H2 I&C and I's b'day present, plus things for Not-so-Evil Mike and John Cassella and Bobby Robson.
Absolutely knackered, I hate shopping and it was too busy and if I hear "I wish it could be christmas every day" one more time, I shall kill someone.
Now I gotta wrap them all.
Urk.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Whoo!
Relatively cheap night out, still came home with change from a tenner, Don't like this being poor lark.
Was quite proud that I knew the answer for the Roobarb and custard question and my extensive knowledge of crap tv adverts was finally put to good use by knowing that the answer as J.R.R Hartley
Then I was rewarded on the quiz machine in Union Blue by knowing that Ipswich played Charlton on Boxing day 2002.
I remember the game by Deano coming out of his area and cocking up for the first Ipswich goal, can't remember what the final score was.
Think it was 3-2 or 3-1?
Relatively cheap night out, still came home with change from a tenner, Don't like this being poor lark.
Was quite proud that I knew the answer for the Roobarb and custard question and my extensive knowledge of crap tv adverts was finally put to good use by knowing that the answer as J.R.R Hartley
Then I was rewarded on the quiz machine in Union Blue by knowing that Ipswich played Charlton on Boxing day 2002.
I remember the game by Deano coming out of his area and cocking up for the first Ipswich goal, can't remember what the final score was.
Think it was 3-2 or 3-1?
Sunday, December 05, 2004
12.30am
I'm round BB's, a little, ahem, busy.
The phone rings.
BB "Shitty Hell! Can't you leave it?"
Me "Nu-huh."
Find phone.
Its STF.
"Where are you? We're going to N's. We're at your flat."
"Eh?"
"Come down, come on."
"But I'm not at my flat. I'm at BB's. I'm a bit busy right now."
2 second pause.
"OhOkBye."
Its still cracks me up to think about the tone of his voice and its the reason he was too shamed to come watch us win today. (I'll repeat that. Us win today.)
Like N says. I come across too innocent for them to handle things like that.
Bless.
BB came round later too to borrow my digital camera, which typically enough for the shoddy goods that I own stopped working while I was at the football and his phone had been cut off.
So i came back after my meal with a series of increasingly desperate msn messages.
Just got back from there and the camera has offically died a death.
Pah.
Gonna have to get up early too or stay up late doing my presentation for aquatic biology tomorrow, so best get on with it.
I'm round BB's, a little, ahem, busy.
The phone rings.
BB "Shitty Hell! Can't you leave it?"
Me "Nu-huh."
Find phone.
Its STF.
"Where are you? We're going to N's. We're at your flat."
"Eh?"
"Come down, come on."
"But I'm not at my flat. I'm at BB's. I'm a bit busy right now."
2 second pause.
"OhOkBye."
Its still cracks me up to think about the tone of his voice and its the reason he was too shamed to come watch us win today. (I'll repeat that. Us win today.)
Like N says. I come across too innocent for them to handle things like that.
Bless.
BB came round later too to borrow my digital camera, which typically enough for the shoddy goods that I own stopped working while I was at the football and his phone had been cut off.
So i came back after my meal with a series of increasingly desperate msn messages.
Just got back from there and the camera has offically died a death.
Pah.
Gonna have to get up early too or stay up late doing my presentation for aquatic biology tomorrow, so best get on with it.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Whee!
Got woken up by my phone at half eleven, STF was planning on going to Cadbury World and wanted to know if i wanted to come.
Didn't need asking twice, I was up, dressed and eaten breakfast by quarter to 12.
Bit of a journey from here to Birmingham, good hour in the car but at least I wasnt subjected to "BRUUUUUCCCEEE!!!!" like the last time i went on a road trip with STF.
It was well good, you get lots of freebies, just a shame I'm not a big chocolate person, but I'm guessing TP will be very grateful for them.
Got woken up by my phone at half eleven, STF was planning on going to Cadbury World and wanted to know if i wanted to come.
Didn't need asking twice, I was up, dressed and eaten breakfast by quarter to 12.
Bit of a journey from here to Birmingham, good hour in the car but at least I wasnt subjected to "BRUUUUUCCCEEE!!!!" like the last time i went on a road trip with STF.
It was well good, you get lots of freebies, just a shame I'm not a big chocolate person, but I'm guessing TP will be very grateful for them.
Friday, December 03, 2004
I have made another important food discovery.
Jamie Oliver, Delia, Nigella. They have nothing on me.
I combined my three most favourite foods ever.
Crunchy Peanut butter toast (Warm bread, sniffed LF disapprovingly, when I made some for him) Jelly and Mint Ice-cream.
Sounds good right?
The reality is a bit different.
It seemed like such a good idea.
Everyone knows of the wonderfulness of jelly and Ice cream.
Jelly and toast go quite well too, best to do it without butter though.
Combining all three.
*shakes head and wanders off to do work.*
Jamie Oliver, Delia, Nigella. They have nothing on me.
I combined my three most favourite foods ever.
Crunchy Peanut butter toast (Warm bread, sniffed LF disapprovingly, when I made some for him) Jelly and Mint Ice-cream.
Sounds good right?
The reality is a bit different.
It seemed like such a good idea.
Everyone knows of the wonderfulness of jelly and Ice cream.
Jelly and toast go quite well too, best to do it without butter though.
Combining all three.
*shakes head and wanders off to do work.*
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Once again, my lads came to my rescue.
Have I ever told you how much i love them?
They are the reason I have bunked off Rainforests to Deserts. (its ok, all the works handed in, early too, i'm allowed)
Went out to see the Man Ure/ Arsenal match and then proceeded to get very drunk, wanted to go to Spank, but STF couldn't get in.
So we went to Scream instead, and blokes just can't dance. Fact. Not that I can, you understand.
And my wrists are both a mottled pink colour, STF thinking it was fun to give me chinese burns, and pinch the inside of my thighs, and they all stole my hair bobble and phone. (god only knows who they were texting, but apparently sent a text to The Brat, insunating that i was a slag.)
But not got any worried replies, so I'm guessing whoever they text didn't care. I know they text LF too but he was at work and probably just got pissed off and deleted them.
Anyway, ended up going back to STF, where I doze off watching Shrek2 ("why am I here? I HAVE Shrek2. My flat is miles away!")
So JN walks me home, like the little sweetheart that he is and i eventually fall in bed at 3.10am, when I have to be up for uni at 8am the next morning, To be fair they did say I could stop at N's but he'd probably spend most of the night, making hit and run raids on me and I wouldnt get much sleep, for fear of attack.
Now I'm shattered and going for a sleep.
Have I ever told you how much i love them?
They are the reason I have bunked off Rainforests to Deserts. (its ok, all the works handed in, early too, i'm allowed)
Went out to see the Man Ure/ Arsenal match and then proceeded to get very drunk, wanted to go to Spank, but STF couldn't get in.
So we went to Scream instead, and blokes just can't dance. Fact. Not that I can, you understand.
And my wrists are both a mottled pink colour, STF thinking it was fun to give me chinese burns, and pinch the inside of my thighs, and they all stole my hair bobble and phone. (god only knows who they were texting, but apparently sent a text to The Brat, insunating that i was a slag.)
But not got any worried replies, so I'm guessing whoever they text didn't care. I know they text LF too but he was at work and probably just got pissed off and deleted them.
Anyway, ended up going back to STF, where I doze off watching Shrek2 ("why am I here? I HAVE Shrek2. My flat is miles away!")
So JN walks me home, like the little sweetheart that he is and i eventually fall in bed at 3.10am, when I have to be up for uni at 8am the next morning, To be fair they did say I could stop at N's but he'd probably spend most of the night, making hit and run raids on me and I wouldnt get much sleep, for fear of attack.
Now I'm shattered and going for a sleep.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
I feel kinda depressed and even my Lord and God Ice Cream, is failing to cheer me up adequately.
I dunno whether its some post LF Visit or the fact that in 2 and a half weeks I’m leaving Derby for good and all that that entails is depressing.
But then Xmas is always a fairly depressing time for me, see my Mothership was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness although she left the faith as soon as she could.
But it left both me and my brother, with a fear of all religion and a very cynical view of Christmas.
That’s not to say that she forced anything on us, we were welcome to go to church if we wanted and we both flirted with cubs/guides/scouts and I’ve been with MH to church sometimes, and I would never ever mock someone’s beliefs. OF, I and C and H2 are very big Christians. But religion is not for me.
Mothership always made an effort for Xmas for us, Dad is a big Xmas person and I remember her always ending up getting stressed and Dad doing the majority of the Xmas decorating, but both me and The Brat have grown up with the vague idea that Xmas is nothing special and a lot of fuss over nothing.
But every year there is the temper tantrums, and shouting as she gets frustrated with the present wrapping, and nearly every year something gets thrown across the room.
So Xmas is not dreaded by us, but looked upon with a kinda of *deep sigh. Oh God not this again.*
Then you have the question. “So what do you want for Xmas this year?”
I can’t think of a question that terrifies me more, apart from replacing the word Xmas with Birthday.
I have grown up listening to the frantic arguments and hushed discussions:
“Where are we gonna get the money from?”
“How can we afford that?”
“We could borrow this money and use the card for that?”
They did their best to hide it, but both me and The Brat always knew not to ask for the latest computer games, the trendiest trainers, the new bikes and video machines and things like the other kids.
I don’t know if it goes as much for him as me, but I hated it and even if there was something I DESPERATELY wanted, I would keep my mouth shut and not say a word.
“I don’t want anything for Xmas.”
I worried about things that kids that age shouldn’t have worried about.
Where would they get the money?
What if it meant we couldn’t pay the rent and got evicted? (I dunno why I was so fixated on that, I must have seen a programme or something like that when I was young. Things would never have got to that stage.)
Why bother wasting money on me, when it meant they could use it to pay for food or gas or bills?
I’d never say anything, cos I knew that it would have upset them that somehow their worries had got back to me.
But even to this day when, ok we may not be well off, but we are at least keeping our heads above water, I feel bad about asking or saying I’d actually like this for Christmas.
And if my friends ask what to get me, I laugh at them and say don’t bother or something little and funky.
I can’t think of one thing about Xmas that I like, I hate the false cheeriness and all that goes with it.
Guess the Ghost of Christmases Past has a lot to answer for huh?
I dunno whether its some post LF Visit or the fact that in 2 and a half weeks I’m leaving Derby for good and all that that entails is depressing.
But then Xmas is always a fairly depressing time for me, see my Mothership was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness although she left the faith as soon as she could.
But it left both me and my brother, with a fear of all religion and a very cynical view of Christmas.
That’s not to say that she forced anything on us, we were welcome to go to church if we wanted and we both flirted with cubs/guides/scouts and I’ve been with MH to church sometimes, and I would never ever mock someone’s beliefs. OF, I and C and H2 are very big Christians. But religion is not for me.
Mothership always made an effort for Xmas for us, Dad is a big Xmas person and I remember her always ending up getting stressed and Dad doing the majority of the Xmas decorating, but both me and The Brat have grown up with the vague idea that Xmas is nothing special and a lot of fuss over nothing.
But every year there is the temper tantrums, and shouting as she gets frustrated with the present wrapping, and nearly every year something gets thrown across the room.
So Xmas is not dreaded by us, but looked upon with a kinda of *deep sigh. Oh God not this again.*
Then you have the question. “So what do you want for Xmas this year?”
I can’t think of a question that terrifies me more, apart from replacing the word Xmas with Birthday.
I have grown up listening to the frantic arguments and hushed discussions:
“Where are we gonna get the money from?”
“How can we afford that?”
“We could borrow this money and use the card for that?”
They did their best to hide it, but both me and The Brat always knew not to ask for the latest computer games, the trendiest trainers, the new bikes and video machines and things like the other kids.
I don’t know if it goes as much for him as me, but I hated it and even if there was something I DESPERATELY wanted, I would keep my mouth shut and not say a word.
“I don’t want anything for Xmas.”
I worried about things that kids that age shouldn’t have worried about.
Where would they get the money?
What if it meant we couldn’t pay the rent and got evicted? (I dunno why I was so fixated on that, I must have seen a programme or something like that when I was young. Things would never have got to that stage.)
Why bother wasting money on me, when it meant they could use it to pay for food or gas or bills?
I’d never say anything, cos I knew that it would have upset them that somehow their worries had got back to me.
But even to this day when, ok we may not be well off, but we are at least keeping our heads above water, I feel bad about asking or saying I’d actually like this for Christmas.
And if my friends ask what to get me, I laugh at them and say don’t bother or something little and funky.
I can’t think of one thing about Xmas that I like, I hate the false cheeriness and all that goes with it.
Guess the Ghost of Christmases Past has a lot to answer for huh?
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
I went to Bakewell today.
Its a nice little village, nowhere near as exciting as Matlock Bath, but its home of Bakewell tarts and puddings, and the worlds nicest Carrot cake.
It's quite a nice day out with TP and H3 (ex housemate from original halls of residence)
And I think I may be in love.
I don't need a man ever ever again.
Yes once again Ben and Jerry's have come to my rescue and brought out a mint edition.
I love them.
And I love mint B&J's. It's orgasmic
Its a nice little village, nowhere near as exciting as Matlock Bath, but its home of Bakewell tarts and puddings, and the worlds nicest Carrot cake.
It's quite a nice day out with TP and H3 (ex housemate from original halls of residence)
And I think I may be in love.
I don't need a man ever ever again.
Yes once again Ben and Jerry's have come to my rescue and brought out a mint edition.
I love them.
And I love mint B&J's. It's orgasmic
Monday, November 29, 2004
MH flipped again last night, telling H2 that i was only going home after uni cos it meant I wouldnt have to get a job, wouldnt have to worry about being in the real world.
Pissed me off cos lets face it, I don't exactly hide the fact to anyone (but my folks) that I dont really get on with my Mum and I REALLY didn't want to go home after uni.
So What the hell is that all about then?
----
There has been a strange smell in my room, slightly cheesy, which baffled me cos I dont like cheese.
So i made an attempt at tracking down the smell, first suspect was my trainers, then it was the remains of the pizza box, I moved several carrier bags, several of the bottles of pepsi that I had brought for LF so he didn't have to face the awful-tasting and much dreaded Derby Water, the smell remained. I looked under the bed, wasn't there, nor was it under the pile of dirty towels.
Puzzled I sat back and considered and then I spotted it.
A sock, a rather lost and sheepish looking sock, callously abandoned by his previous owner.
This sock is now being held ransom, the smell safely contained in a zippy bag, until the LF bothers to reply to his text asking what the fuck he wants me to do with it.
One thing is for certain, I'm not taking it out of its protective bag again, not without the appropriate and obligatory gas mask.
Pissed me off cos lets face it, I don't exactly hide the fact to anyone (but my folks) that I dont really get on with my Mum and I REALLY didn't want to go home after uni.
So What the hell is that all about then?
----
There has been a strange smell in my room, slightly cheesy, which baffled me cos I dont like cheese.
So i made an attempt at tracking down the smell, first suspect was my trainers, then it was the remains of the pizza box, I moved several carrier bags, several of the bottles of pepsi that I had brought for LF so he didn't have to face the awful-tasting and much dreaded Derby Water, the smell remained. I looked under the bed, wasn't there, nor was it under the pile of dirty towels.
Puzzled I sat back and considered and then I spotted it.
A sock, a rather lost and sheepish looking sock, callously abandoned by his previous owner.
This sock is now being held ransom, the smell safely contained in a zippy bag, until the LF bothers to reply to his text asking what the fuck he wants me to do with it.
One thing is for certain, I'm not taking it out of its protective bag again, not without the appropriate and obligatory gas mask.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
So I came home and then went to see BB, and he very kindly let me sleep with out molesting me too much.
Woke up at 12:50 and realised just how much money I have spent this weekend, if we include the train tickets that I haven't used and the cost of my football ticket if I was buying it on the day, it works out to be about £178 easy, and that was just with the bar recipts that I could find.
No way in hell is LF coming down again, he costs me too much money!
Now H2 wants me to come out later and JF wants me to eat out, trying to let them down, gonna have to have a cheap few weeks I think.
..... Shit its us V Palace this weekend. Another day at Our Beloved Friary there!
-----
Watski. I went on a night out in Mansfield once, its where Lizard works in the Morrison's, I remember getting very drunk and being groped all the time, which I hate, and I started a fight with a lad that grabbed the Lizards tits and then started on two lads that grabbed my ass. Bastards, I'd have decked them if MH and Lizard hadn't had been there.
----
Actually the funniest part of last night was listening to BB tell me how it sounds like me and LF get on really well and we should be together.
See he knew that we'd been together and it was only right that he knew he was coming to visit, and I didnt really say much about his visit, just telling him about the cut head/long-lost sister of the elephant man incident, which was probably the funniest moment of his whole stay.
So that was funny too cos I tried to wonder what would happen if he knew the truth behind it all and I wanted to tell him to find out the male perspective. (asked STF, he just told me I should have shagged him and then worried about it the next day)
Anyway. Don't care, gotta tidy my room, A bomb quite literally hit it and I need to do some work or have a nap, whatever sounds best and costs me the least amount of money.
I'm filling in some of the details from Wednesday night just so I can remember how it was and see if it makes any more sense to me in a few weeks, still kinda confused now but I dont care any more.
Woke up at 12:50 and realised just how much money I have spent this weekend, if we include the train tickets that I haven't used and the cost of my football ticket if I was buying it on the day, it works out to be about £178 easy, and that was just with the bar recipts that I could find.
No way in hell is LF coming down again, he costs me too much money!
Now H2 wants me to come out later and JF wants me to eat out, trying to let them down, gonna have to have a cheap few weeks I think.
..... Shit its us V Palace this weekend. Another day at Our Beloved Friary there!
-----
Watski. I went on a night out in Mansfield once, its where Lizard works in the Morrison's, I remember getting very drunk and being groped all the time, which I hate, and I started a fight with a lad that grabbed the Lizards tits and then started on two lads that grabbed my ass. Bastards, I'd have decked them if MH and Lizard hadn't had been there.
----
Actually the funniest part of last night was listening to BB tell me how it sounds like me and LF get on really well and we should be together.
See he knew that we'd been together and it was only right that he knew he was coming to visit, and I didnt really say much about his visit, just telling him about the cut head/long-lost sister of the elephant man incident, which was probably the funniest moment of his whole stay.
So that was funny too cos I tried to wonder what would happen if he knew the truth behind it all and I wanted to tell him to find out the male perspective. (asked STF, he just told me I should have shagged him and then worried about it the next day)
Anyway. Don't care, gotta tidy my room, A bomb quite literally hit it and I need to do some work or have a nap, whatever sounds best and costs me the least amount of money.
I'm filling in some of the details from Wednesday night just so I can remember how it was and see if it makes any more sense to me in a few weeks, still kinda confused now but I dont care any more.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
So anyway.
Ta to Flash and Cheryl for attempting to cheer me up, its ok, Apart from feeling slightly stupid for getting excited over nothing I'll live, I'm a tough chick.
So here for Flash is my special report from Derby's only Strip Club Eden.
To be fair, I guess if you were a bloke it'd be cool, but I was the most over dressed girl in there, felt like I was wearing a bin liner from head to foot.
I'd never been to a strip club before so didnt know what to expect, but it was just dull.
I was there about an hour and just saw two girls dance, and I have to admit, what they can do with a pole is pretty impressive.
But the girls just looked bored while they danced, and none of them were very attractive, so I just sat there, while the guys leered and drank my lemonade. (still recovering from yesterday).
They did offer to pay for me to have a lapdance but I declined politely.
What a day huh?
Not only that, but we got whooped, 4-0! almost glad I didnt make it home.
Ta to Flash and Cheryl for attempting to cheer me up, its ok, Apart from feeling slightly stupid for getting excited over nothing I'll live, I'm a tough chick.
So here for Flash is my special report from Derby's only Strip Club Eden.
To be fair, I guess if you were a bloke it'd be cool, but I was the most over dressed girl in there, felt like I was wearing a bin liner from head to foot.
I'd never been to a strip club before so didnt know what to expect, but it was just dull.
I was there about an hour and just saw two girls dance, and I have to admit, what they can do with a pole is pretty impressive.
But the girls just looked bored while they danced, and none of them were very attractive, so I just sat there, while the guys leered and drank my lemonade. (still recovering from yesterday).
They did offer to pay for me to have a lapdance but I declined politely.
What a day huh?
Not only that, but we got whooped, 4-0! almost glad I didnt make it home.
Oh dear God.
I think I have made such a fool of myself.
Picked up LF Thursday night and we chilled, watched Die Hard, well I did, he snored in my ear.
Then we started to mess around like we always do, beating the shit into each other, (left him with a lovely scratch on his forehead) and eventually I plucked up the courage to ask him if he remembered what he said Wednesday night.
He thought about it for a bit, said that he remembered talking on the phone, getting very drunk and falling off his computer chair, and writing a note to say that he had to get to Derby that morning.
Me (hiding the disappointment): So you dont remember?
Him: *thinks a bit more* nope, why did I say something to offend you?
Me: Nah. *sigh.
So I've made an idiot of myself by getting excited about something that he was too drunk to remember and didnt mean and telling people that he cared.
So we go back to beating each other up and general abuse and I don't know, the way he held me sometimes. Reading too much into a situation? Possibly.
Anyway.
We both end up sleeping on the floor for some reason. he had a sleeping bag and we were both on the duvet and i woke up cold and he tried to roll his body onto me and share his body heat and the sleeping bag, nearly flattening me in the process.
Wake up to find him on my computer and we went on an all day bender from midday to half one in the morning, meeting up with A, STF, N and some random French guy and they all got on well.
N whispered to me that he gave me proper over-protective looks when I was messing with the others.
Came home and watched a Foo Fighters DVD.
And then he starts to mess with me, and I let it happen for a bit, mainly cos I'm drunk out of my head, but eventually reality kicks in.
"You're gonna have to stop, please stop."
we talk for a bit, and he confesses that some how he got onto this and read some of the comments that I'd put wednesday night, but got out of it as soon as he realised what it was and he was sorry for doing it and he seriously considered doing a runner while I was asleep, so credit to him for not doing that, the LF I knew a few years ago would have gone.
He only wants a bit of fun, can't give me what I want from him. That the distance is too much. Admits that we are very simular but in some ways we are very different.
So I'm well shamed that he knows how I feel about him and he dont feel the same.
So maybe he's right and it really is time I got over this stupid obsession.
So I put him on the train about half hour ago and it hurts like hell to let him go.
I know I'll always have his friendship so at least I dont have to worry about that.
But I can't believe I have made such an idiot of myself.
And I can't work out why he said such things down the phone the other night, even though I never said anything to him about my feelings.
I didnt want to go into it at the time, didnt want to seem like a bunny boiler.
Think I'm going out with the lads later today, doing the Derby mile (of pubs) and they reckon my becoming a lad education requires me visiting a strip club, so that could be interesting.
---
Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Stupid to get so hyper, for thinking things that I knew could never happen to me. Stupid for not hiding this better. Stupid to not realise that he was as pissed as me the other night. Stupid of me to run around telling everyone (ok, just blog people, E, Lizard, JF and TP but more than enough!). Stupid, Stupid, Stupid me
I think I have made such a fool of myself.
Picked up LF Thursday night and we chilled, watched Die Hard, well I did, he snored in my ear.
Then we started to mess around like we always do, beating the shit into each other, (left him with a lovely scratch on his forehead) and eventually I plucked up the courage to ask him if he remembered what he said Wednesday night.
He thought about it for a bit, said that he remembered talking on the phone, getting very drunk and falling off his computer chair, and writing a note to say that he had to get to Derby that morning.
Me (hiding the disappointment): So you dont remember?
Him: *thinks a bit more* nope, why did I say something to offend you?
Me: Nah. *sigh.
So I've made an idiot of myself by getting excited about something that he was too drunk to remember and didnt mean and telling people that he cared.
So we go back to beating each other up and general abuse and I don't know, the way he held me sometimes. Reading too much into a situation? Possibly.
Anyway.
We both end up sleeping on the floor for some reason. he had a sleeping bag and we were both on the duvet and i woke up cold and he tried to roll his body onto me and share his body heat and the sleeping bag, nearly flattening me in the process.
Wake up to find him on my computer and we went on an all day bender from midday to half one in the morning, meeting up with A, STF, N and some random French guy and they all got on well.
N whispered to me that he gave me proper over-protective looks when I was messing with the others.
Came home and watched a Foo Fighters DVD.
And then he starts to mess with me, and I let it happen for a bit, mainly cos I'm drunk out of my head, but eventually reality kicks in.
"You're gonna have to stop, please stop."
we talk for a bit, and he confesses that some how he got onto this and read some of the comments that I'd put wednesday night, but got out of it as soon as he realised what it was and he was sorry for doing it and he seriously considered doing a runner while I was asleep, so credit to him for not doing that, the LF I knew a few years ago would have gone.
He only wants a bit of fun, can't give me what I want from him. That the distance is too much. Admits that we are very simular but in some ways we are very different.
So I'm well shamed that he knows how I feel about him and he dont feel the same.
So maybe he's right and it really is time I got over this stupid obsession.
So I put him on the train about half hour ago and it hurts like hell to let him go.
I know I'll always have his friendship so at least I dont have to worry about that.
But I can't believe I have made such an idiot of myself.
And I can't work out why he said such things down the phone the other night, even though I never said anything to him about my feelings.
I didnt want to go into it at the time, didnt want to seem like a bunny boiler.
Think I'm going out with the lads later today, doing the Derby mile (of pubs) and they reckon my becoming a lad education requires me visiting a strip club, so that could be interesting.
---
Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Stupid to get so hyper, for thinking things that I knew could never happen to me. Stupid for not hiding this better. Stupid to not realise that he was as pissed as me the other night. Stupid of me to run around telling everyone (ok, just blog people, E, Lizard, JF and TP but more than enough!). Stupid, Stupid, Stupid me
Thursday, November 25, 2004
I dunno what to do or think!
Been laying in bed for an hour and couldnt take it any more.
Not going to the lecture this morning, gotta try and calm down, gotta sort my presentation out too.
need sleep too some point too.
I shouldnt get too hyped up, what if we talk things over and decide to remain mates? that neither of us can handle the distance thing?
Been laying in bed for an hour and couldnt take it any more.
Not going to the lecture this morning, gotta try and calm down, gotta sort my presentation out too.
need sleep too some point too.
I shouldnt get too hyped up, what if we talk things over and decide to remain mates? that neither of us can handle the distance thing?
the LF loves me.
He told me so.
That there is a connection, electricity between us, he's always felt it, never cared about anyone the way he's cared about me.
he's coming down. tonight.
I've gotta explain to the folks that I'm not coming home for football tonight.
Fucking hell. I'm giving up charlton V Chelsea for him. What if Spotty plays?
What if this is all drunk talk?
He told me that its the distance thing that pisses him off and its the same for me.
What do I say to the folks and fuck me what do I say to BB?
---
*a 3 day later edit, just so I can remember it*
We went out me, STF and the twins A and S. Beat STF on the mechanical bull only he stole my phone and text MH, BB and LF saying that he had beat me. BB who was pissed and I'm not sure gets the fact that I can hang with lads and not fancy them, replied with a pissed off text, LF wanted to know who STF was and why I had never mentioned him before.
So we text on and off all night and went to Scream which is a student only club night, asked LF why he hadnt rang me like he said. He'd forgotten, but would ring me now if I wanted. Told him I was in a club and he said can he carry on getting drunk and miserable, I said yeah and if he wanted I'd ring him when we left if he was still awake.
I spoke to him for over an hour and he asked again about the BB and I told him that it was cos I was miserable and lonely and he distracted me.
Then he drops his bombshell. Both agree that I can't leave my family at the mo and he can't leave his brothers.
Tells me off for messing with his head and I laugh and tell him he's messed with mine more, reluctantly say good night.
Text him almost straight away asking him if he wwas really coming and if he cared, he replied with that he had shaved and was almost packed and he did care.
Text again saying, see ya later and he replies with see ya soon, very soon. luv ya xx.
He told me so.
That there is a connection, electricity between us, he's always felt it, never cared about anyone the way he's cared about me.
he's coming down. tonight.
I've gotta explain to the folks that I'm not coming home for football tonight.
Fucking hell. I'm giving up charlton V Chelsea for him. What if Spotty plays?
What if this is all drunk talk?
He told me that its the distance thing that pisses him off and its the same for me.
What do I say to the folks and fuck me what do I say to BB?
---
*a 3 day later edit, just so I can remember it*
We went out me, STF and the twins A and S. Beat STF on the mechanical bull only he stole my phone and text MH, BB and LF saying that he had beat me. BB who was pissed and I'm not sure gets the fact that I can hang with lads and not fancy them, replied with a pissed off text, LF wanted to know who STF was and why I had never mentioned him before.
So we text on and off all night and went to Scream which is a student only club night, asked LF why he hadnt rang me like he said. He'd forgotten, but would ring me now if I wanted. Told him I was in a club and he said can he carry on getting drunk and miserable, I said yeah and if he wanted I'd ring him when we left if he was still awake.
I spoke to him for over an hour and he asked again about the BB and I told him that it was cos I was miserable and lonely and he distracted me.
Then he drops his bombshell. Both agree that I can't leave my family at the mo and he can't leave his brothers.
Tells me off for messing with his head and I laugh and tell him he's messed with mine more, reluctantly say good night.
Text him almost straight away asking him if he wwas really coming and if he cared, he replied with that he had shaved and was almost packed and he did care.
Text again saying, see ya later and he replies with see ya soon, very soon. luv ya xx.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)