What a disaster the weekend turned out to be!!!

As mentioned i'd been booked into a hotel for this party. So dog in tow we rock up at the hotel. No record of me, under my name or under the ladies name. Tried to ring her but of course she's already at the party so doesn't hear me calling.

Drive to the venue in the hope that she can speak to them over the phone and get it sorted. Took nearly an hour to find somewhere to park and i'm on the verge of going home out of sheer frustration when I bump into someone I know and they help me get a spot! Go in and find her and she calls the hotel

Turns out she's actually booked it for SEPTEMBER! 

Old people should not be allowed near the internet!! Anyway she and I went back to the hotel and I'm there watching them pay for a new room - 90 quid!! 

Whatever. I vow to buy them some flowers to make up for it.

Party good fun, got to leave Dog in hotel room and I dance and generally have a jolly time. 

Get up next morning and go to the comp in Maidstone with the lady and her dog. We do our morning racing. Win first race, second went a bit astray. It's ok, there's still the afternoon to go and we're in a good position still.

About 12 she goes and takes both dogs for a walk and then about 1 goes to get something out of her bag, turns out she left a packet of mince pies in her car. Turns out Dog likes mince Pies. Turns out mince pies can cause irrepairable kidney damage in dogs.

So she gets rushed into vets, put on a drip, given medicine. I beg money from the Mothership as payday is today and I had 30 quid to my name. So now mum's out of pocket by 241 quid - well 200, paid her some today.

Dog is ok now, but awaiting blood tests to see if there has been any kidney damage. So that's another 100 quid gone. I had a fair few loans being paid off this month so I knew it was going to be tight but fuck me I now have 65 quid until I get paid again.

At least. I know I've filled the car with petrol, I have food for the month, just be replacing things like bread etc.

I can claim insurance back for Dog so that's my next port of call but I wanted to get a new car tyre after the mini explosion a couple of weeks ago so that's a bugger!!!

Trying not to be annoyed as she's genuinely upset about it and it was just one of those things but I really, really could have done without this!!!

Naughty Charbs.
Already one week behind.

In my defence last weekend I spent in Cambridge at a dog show and drove back sunday, rode two horses and was then zonked and had to get ready for work still!

It was an ok weekend. dogs ran mostly well. Had a nice meal with One Night Stand and then hung out watching the scouse FA cup game.

This weekend was a party for one of the people in my dog training team. Cake didn't go to plan twice as I fucked up reading instructions, but all worked out well and they seemed to love it.
Danced a lot, drank a bit and had a great time. One Night Stand was also there, a mutual friend asked when we were gonna do something about the sexual tension between us. I was drunk enough to want to tell her, sober enough to realise that was a no no and there was an internal struggle momentarily before sober Charbs won! Haha. I do love having that as a secret but it'd be nice to share with someone. 100% he's got another girl on the go though, he was getting texts I noticed from someone with emoji hearts in their name and that def won't be a guy! Not fussed. Would have been nice for more, was never on the cards and I've gained a new friend out of it so win win really!!
Hopefully not another 18 month dry spell before I sleep with someone else though

I met up with Flash from early blogging days as well Wednesday just gone which was great!
And of course we have the usual Awful January milestones. I was a bit shocked this year that I was getting the dates muddled in my head. I guess cos they are so close together. 6th 12 years since he died. 9th his birthday.
Last Thursday as well was 4 years since that awful night when Granddad died and convieniently would have been Welshy and I's anniversary. All I have left to get through now is Welshy's birthday and the breaking up day.

Life moves on. I move on. As I told him in my drunken, ranty email, he has no say over my happiness any more. I am mostly happy, just occasionally lonely.

Next weekend I might not get a chance to blog as again I am at a dog show.
Odd night before - I have been adopted by a lovely old couple as a surrogate grandchild - they tell people I need mothering! Anyway, for some reason I got invited to their son (who I've never met!)'s 50th birthday. There's a few other people I know going so its all ok. I was going to drive, not drink obvs and then go home and take the wife to the comp next day.
Except they booked and paid for me to stay in a hotel close by - really lovely of them but wish they hadn't! Its only saving me 20 mins in the morning and now I need to faff about taking dog with me, taking her to the party, leaving the poor sod in the car as I can't leave her in the hotel over night alone!

Haha! It'll be alright I guess!! Maybe....

Rode THREE different horses today, There's no way i'd be able to cope if by some miracle I got more than one horse!
Already in PJ's and Dog snuggled on my lap. Not been invited out anywhere, so why the hell not?

I wrote to him a couple of days ago, a long as is my style overly dramatic email.

I've developed a dry hacking cough. I went to see Lolly in his new home at Blackheath Rehab and had the traditional Xmas drinks with Babbs and L. I went to a dinner party at YO's house with some of the other liveries and played cards against humanity (I won)

So now its time for the end of year review.
My goal was to post at least weekly in this and I mostly did so. 45 posts out of 52 weeks. 2016 wasn't the hardest year I've ever had to deal with but it was the first rough year I dealt with on my own and for that reason I struggled greatly. 2017 has been better, although having looked back I've only managed one of my resolutions

"

1 - I will sit the DELE A2 exam finally. February or April.
2 - I will blog - if not every day, at least once a week.
3 - I will go on at least one foreign holiday by myself.
4 - I will write that story, and see what happens with it."

I did some crazy shit this year, stuff I never thought I'd do. Trying weed for the first and last time, my random adventures with One Night Stand Guy. My epic holiday to Greece.

Yes I've lost Welshy, one of my longest, best, closest friends. TP remains cancer-stricken, having finished chemo she now awaits a date for her lumpectomy. Lolly is learning to walk again and my hopes for both of them is that they get a clean bill of health for 2018.

Flyball went well, lots of new adventures there, plus Muddy Dog, plus the halloween party and summer BBQ, the Xmas meal and bowling. Looking forward to our attempt at entering the championships in the summer and hopefully she'll get her award for 5000, (10k would be nice but perhaps a bit too much to aim for!) We have two comps in Jan and two parties to look forward too as well.

Riding too, more hacking would be nice, we're rapidly regaining the hacking brave pants, although I've kinda lost my mojo with V i'm hoping its just this time of year. It was fun playing with others today.

Hopefully work will sort itself out, I'm still hoping that I might get that new role if the funding comes through and i'm worried about this Quality Control Mark - although that's for 2018 Charby to worry about tomorrow!

Resolutions for next year?

Well I'd like to rack up a new country, I don't think realistically it'll happen though, TP and TJ want to go to Mull, the flyball champs will be expensive and of course there's Mum's wedding, all in July and August....

Speaking of money I'd like to pay off one credit card and make a sizeable dent in the other. I have one loan due to finish December next year and if possible I'd like to pay that off a bit sooner but again we'll see, the credit cards are the main goal really.

I can end 2018 200 pounds a month better off than I am now, although the above may hinder it a bit....

and finally I'd like to end 2018, not on my own. I feel this is the hardest one to achieve. Not sure how to go about it, not even sure what people do in relationships anymore. 

We'll see. So time to say FUCK off to 2017 and a big HELLO to 2018.

So time for my usual morose Xmas post.

Christmas is firmly what you make it, In the words of Elsa from Frozen "Yes I'm alone but I'm alone and Free!"

I don't mind it too much, its just another day really, its when people try to force it upon you that I start to feel miserable about the day. I realised as nice as it is for people to invite me (and i'm genuinely touched that people do) I can't help but feel its not because they want to, but out of pity - out of a sense that no one should be alone at Christmas.
The other thing I realised is that its painful for me to be around happy families. Pain that physically hurts the pit of my stomach. I had that once, I don't have it any more. I don't want it rubbed into my face.
I like my own company.

I've struggled today however. Welshy - fuck it, let's call him by his real name for the first and last time - Ed messaged me last night and I read it first thing this morning.
He's found someone new. He's been with Someone New for over a year now. He thinks its time to
finally say goodbye.

I was talking to a friend about this a couple of weeks back, about how its like another bereavement, except this time I know the person's alive and well.

It hurt. I've fought back tears all day. I wish I could have been the first to move on - can I call the two quick fucks I had with One Night Stand Guy a rebound? Wish I could still call Ed a friend. It's been on the cards all year. Less and less contact from him, suspicion when I saw a post from his mam when she visited.
I mucked out my social media, (he had already deleted me from Facebook), I deleted him from instagram, deleted his phone number, deleted him from twitter, removed his friends and family.


I was as grown up as I could be about it, wished him well, told him i'd always be there if he needed me, but he's finally gone now and it hurts so goddam much but I need to move on with my life.
2016 was hard, hardest year in a while, this has been a better year. I gotta keep on focussing on that. 2018 will be the year of Charby.
My next post will be my year review.

Snow! A mild covering on the ground although the stupid rain has knocked a fair bit out. Expecting it to ice up overnight.
Hoping for more overnight as then we might not be able to open, if it ices really badly, my boss might not make it in from Gatwick and that will be pleasing.
We did our work AGM so two late nights and yesterday was our craft fair and panto, they were really busy and hoping we broke even at least from it.

Yeah I got given a written warning. They said that my workload should be manageable, that I was exagerrating my bosses erraticness and almost bullying behaviour. Whatever. I tried to bring it to their attention. It's been dismissed and they made it quite clear they don't want me there.
The obvious thing would be to move on. I'm sick of job hunting. We've been doing it for the whole of this blog's existance.
I like the benefits of working close to home, I like the decent leave they give us and 90% of the time I like the job.
But what can I do? Keep my mouth shut and put up with it? I think I will get through the project thing and then update my cv and have casual looks every now and then. I'm still hopeful that the big funding bid will work out and I can go for that and make it my own but we'll see.

Other news. I found out a while back that Mum and TMWMITW (def need a better pseudonym than that) are getting married. She told me about it during her visit. His court case again Big World Famous Singer is going ahead. He's expected to make at least 1 mill from it. Of course nothing is going to come my way as I can't show that I can afford to live alone.
BUT!!! By March at the latest, hopefully January - definitely February - I will have paid off one of the Big Loans. I also next month get a decent pay rise cos London Living has gone up - i'm hoping an extra £50 a month but we'll see...
So come March i'll have close to another 200 a month in my pay. Of course I need to pay off two credit cards, an overdraft and another loan still but to have 200 a month to put towards this.... well i'm hoping that i'll have paid off the other loan and at least one of the credit cards come this time next year. So that's good.

Money  though.... I dropped my phone out at the weekend. It got run over. It's going to cost me 170 to get fixed. I currently have 12 pounds until payday on the 22nd. (fingers crossed they do an earlier payrun cos of xmas...)

So annoyed with myself but it was a great night and I reinforced my thoughts that One Night Stand guy has clearly moved on, bit of a shame but to be honest it's a good thing. I'm not really designed for that kinda life and it did feel a bit seedy, although i'm not ashamed of it at all.

Anyhoo I suppose I'd better sort my shit out for next week's fun at work.....

Lol. Looked at my stats again and I'm still getting people visiting me from a post I made at least 13 years ago referring to Tobey Maguire's fishhook scar.
 Hi guys!!!

Looking at stats lately a lot of page visits come from Russia. Instantly my thoughts go to Welshy. It's now two years since I woke up and he suggested we should split up.
I miss him terribly. I miss the friendship and I miss having someone who has my back. I wish I had someone to talk to at home, to vent to, to share my glee at Dog running well, at a good ride. I miss physical contact, holding hands, leaning into someone, hugs.
I know it had reached a natural end but there's still that bit of sorrow that someone who was so important to me for so long has now become a stranger to me and its like another bereavement.

Been a rough week. Faced a disciplinary Friday, Stupid Charbs has spent too long at work using the internet for things other than work and they're trying to twist it and say its why a certain project is behind schedule.
While I hold my hands up and admit to being a bit cheeky about doing things online that really I should do at home, I refuse to take the blame for this project.
Apparently my boss knew the importance of having completed the project by this winter three years ago. I only got sent on the intro course Feb this year, only got the paperwork May, only got online to do it July.
I had three weeks off sick, two weeks holiday. If she knew the importance of this course why didn't she get the log in details when I was off?
I only found out end of October that it needs to be done by end of year and there was such shock I genuinely don't think its not that I've forgotten it, but that I didn't know.
My boss is alright but has moment when she's not approachable, I'd been told various other projects had priority and nothing I do is quick and easy.
I work through my lunch break and the 15 minutes throughout the day (total) that I judged I spent online balanced it out.
I can see why it looks damming, but bloody hell.
They threatened me with the sack, I'm being thrown to the wolves for my boss dropping the ball and not telling me how important it was. Just gotta sit and wait. I'll take whatever punishment they deal out for me being online but I refuse to take the blame for this particular project being behind schedule.

No blog last week. Naughty Charbs.

In my Defence I was at a dog comp on Sunday and by time I got home I just wanted to watch a spot of Blue Planet 2 and go to bed.

was at a comp yesterday too. Plan was to go up Friday and have a decent sleep so I didn't have to drive to cambridge for 7.30. Yeah. Me and One Night Stand drank wine until 3am. I was ruined.

Kinda sad as I wouldn't have minded messing about a bit but it was never suggested. Think that little adventure is over anyway now.

Anyway, was up with 3 hours sleep and struggled manly through the day. It was a really long day, I think i'd have been tired even without the drinking - Morning races didn't stop until 3pm! (all the threes Saturday... very odd!) Anyhoo it was 9.40 by the time I got home and really driving was a bit fraught as I was so tired. 

I think I'll book to stay saturday night when we go up again in Jan, even if there's no late night the day before it was a bit worrying like I said driving back.

No blog last week - went to a halloween party in Whitstable. Really good night. Slaved for ages making a lovely cake.

This week has been full on - I ended up being investigated for too much internet use. My boss is trying to use this as a reason to blame me for not doing this quality award mark thing I'm supposed to be aiming for, but thing is. She knew about needing this award for funding for three years, I got sent on an introduction afternoon in February. It was June when I got the book, a lot of it I don't really understand as she deemed the three day course to learn how to do it properly unnecessary.
A lot of what I need is confidential and she doesn't want me to have access to it which is fair enough.
Anyway. I'd cracked on and then put it down mid July to plan Fun Day 2017.
Problem is I then had three weeks off cos of busted leg. She then was away the first week I was back and then spent the next two weeks stressing about a buisness plan.
I was off two weeks in Greece and suddenly its now the start of November and I'm told that if we're not qualified by year end we lose 18k's worth of funding.

Gee thanks.

So bit of a panic trying to get it done.

Been riding, been to see Lolly. Oh I'm so proud of him and he's doing so well. Last week he had no voluntary movement of his leg. This week he showed us that he can bring his knee to his chest and was quietly pleased to announce he had been walking.

Still no arm movement and he's not entirely sure where the portion of his skull that they removed is (could be in his stomach, could be at Kings College, could be in Edinburgh) and he's not sure how they will treat his tumour but he is doing so, so well and I'm in awe.

TP is cracking on well with her cancer treatment - one more to go! She still has no idea where the flowers are from and is waiting to hear what her next steps are. It's all positive for her too :)

Greece was lovely, all my fears about travelling alone unfounded. Given huge confidence boost about doing it again.
Met usual amount of oddballs and got into odd situations - how many people can get locked into a bank, meet people who firmly believe in David Icke and watch "The Voice" with Greek Grandparents who don't speak any English?
Athens was fairly rough looking everywhere I went, not like Rome where you're just falling over old shit, there it seemed to be more located in one part of it.
Andros - arrived too late in the end to do anything - apart watch telly with the grandparents!
Mykonos, pretty and fun loving.
Santorini - drop dead beautiful at sunset. It had been a plan of Welshy and mine's to go for ages and i'm glad I went.

Now to live carefully a few months and resort out the finances.

Going to a party in Whitstable this weekend, and do have another dog show in wood green to sort out.

My lollypopkin is still very poorly in hospital. I mentioned last post that they were doing tests to investigate his stomach pain. I'm told they found a tumour and removed part of his bowel along with the growth. Fucking Cancer. Will go see him tomorrow.


Suddenly remembered TP and her own cancer battle and diverted to the flower website. I've been sending her secret flowers every month, she doesn't know they're from me! But I hope its giving her something cheery to think about and it makes me feel better as I can't be there as much as I'd like to help her out.

Reeling.

Am meant to fly out to Greece in a few hours. Not organised at all. Gonna run out of funds before its over.

My Lolly had a stroke last Saturday. One of my old NMM friends, the guy I went to Rome with earlier this year. I had a message on Wednesday from G another mutual friend, he had a message from an unknown number saying that Lolly was in the hospital in intensive care.
Tried to text Lolly, no answer, suddenly remembered that he'd not contacted me after I wished him happy birthday which is most unlike him.
Messaged a few friends, just casual. "hey have you seen Lolly, he's ignoring me!"
Found out in intensive care after a suspected stroke. Not expected to make it. No one knew where he was and no one had run around to find out.
I rang the QE, tried QM and then remembered that they don't have A and E, told another friend that it was a suspected stroke. He suggested the Kings College as they have specialist care there for stroke victims.
Rang through, such a drama as I couldn't remember his birthday or address but we got there. I rang back after work to check permission had been given to visit.

He was awful. Huge swollen closed eye, half his head shaved, other half hair sticky with sweat, hooked up to all the beepy machines and drips you see in movies. I was prepared for bad but that was awful. G held it together until we left before he broke down. I rang around everyone I could think of. No he doesn't want visitors to see him like this. Yes he was talking ok, but drowsy.
We went back the next day. Pretty similar. We didn't stay long as he's clearly very tired.

Went back up Saturday as paragliding was cancelled yet again. Moved out of critical care ward. Met his Mum for the first time! He's short and quiet, we were probably overwhelming him, mocking the hospital food that he was trying to eat.
He cannot yet move one side of his body but his eye was open and he looked less swollen. I'm still not sure of timeframe, but the latest one is that he was ill Friday (his birthday) got out of bed, fell. possibly had a stroke as he fell. They thought anaemia first of all. Went to one hospital, then another. Then ended up in Kings. Had another seizure/stroke there Saturday night.
The pressure on his skull was growing. They operated Tuesday to remove part of his skull to help combat this.

Now he's dry heaving constantly, vomiting. They're doing  CAT scans and endoscopies to see what the cause is.

Heartbroken for him. He's like a brother to me as they all are. Just holding on to all the improvements I saw in 4 days and hoping that in 2 weeks he will be alright.

In the end it went right down to Monday Morning for the Physio to give me the all clear.
I was under strict instructions not to run ANY of it, to use common sense about what obstacles to tackle and what ones to avoid and be tactical and rest at each stop.

Mrs Spaniel also was instructed not to pull me over (she ignored this - twice). and to take it easy as she has lost a bit of fitness as we've not been able to go out and about as normal.

It was incredibly muddy!! Some of the challenges the mud was up to my waist and dogs were given to the volunteers for their own safety.

My cunning plan of putting my contacts in, failed when I reached the venue and realised that - yes I did still have my glasses on. I weighed up the options of losing them/breaking them/adding blindness to my list of injuries and blindness won out.

This had the the added problem of not really being able to see where was safe to put my feet. My team mates were awesome and kept pace with me and another friend who suffers from back problems all the way around.

Mrs Spaniel (now that I have recovered from the pulling me over incidents) has been getting a lot of praise today - and allowed to sleep on the bed last night! She was an absolute star!
She did get a bit of separation anxiety when left with the stewards and fretted (noisily) about my safety as I attempted challenges.

Two challenges she was clearly quite frightened of. 
This tunnel was quite long, dark and pretty deep for a Spaniel (it wasn't that bad all the way through, just at the exit!) I asked her if she wanted to come, she considered it and then decided it was too much for her. She hovered at the end of the tunnel whining at me as I started to crawl through and I said to the steward to let her go as she would follow my teammates and their dogs. 
I'm told that she started to do this, then hesitated again, headed back to the tunnel start. Took a deep breath and tentatively followed me.

For the other again she was offered the opportunity to come into the large inflatable pool and go over the trampolines, into the water and back out again but once she saw the water she changed her mind. Again I handed her to the steward and started to scramble over.
I'm guessing she must have fretted, pulled and then the steward at the other end who was helping me out asked if that was my dog.

She'd got herself so far and then courage let her down and she was unable to get down and out the other end - naturally I carried her over and out and another big cuddle and lots of praise. 

Lots of love for my little dog. She had a whale of a time with her dog friends, getting lots of pats and cuddles from the stewards and a long exciting walk. Tail wagging all the way around. She's not the bravest dog in the world so to see her attempt everything, even if she just didnt want to be separated from me is really touching!

She's been absolutely shattered since. I've still got mud on me, I'm bruised, mystery scrapes all over my boobs, nettle stings up my arms and feeling very stiff and sore today but I'm so glad we did it. Very well organised with lots of water for dogs and people to support us all the way through with poo bag handovers, looking after dogs and taking photos. 

Now one week to go until my holiday that I cant really afford!

My week back at work has gone ok. The first day back - God it hurt! I did wonder if i'd been back a bit early but the rest of the week has been ok.

Physio again tomorrow and i'm hoping they tell me i'm ok for the muddy dog challenge and the holiday.

I did try to ride today. I can only manage a short burst as I can feel it pulling on my hamstring but good news! I did have a little movement in my ankle and knee to do things.

Its been a full on weekend for myu poor leg in all fairness. I attempted the 4 miles of Lullingstone which we normally do in an hour and a half at our slowest. This took us over two hours and I was pretty ruined by the end but at least we got around which is all good news for the sponsered walk!

Training with the dog as well as riding and I was so knackered! out of the house from 8.30-2.30.

Made some cakes and really just spent the day mooching. It was nice to get ourselves back to something like our normal routine at last.

Now i've just booked the hotel for my stay in Santorini and the ferries I need. All that's left is to book the hotel back in Athens and the ferry back there but I'm losing the will to live looking for hotels so we'll try that tomorrow.

Felt a bit lonely this weekend. I kinda wonder how it'd be if I was the one to make the move on One Night Stand guy. Would that make my loneliness worse driving back from Gravesend after that quick fuck? Probably. The whole casual sex thing I can do and that's fine but what I really want is what most people want really and that's companionship.

I didn't blog last week as I didn't really do much. I got to see a Physio though! Given lots of exercises and there's been some improvement in a week alone!
Was signed off for the week and mostly spent it sat at home. Mother came back Friday and we went to Bromley
Anyway One Night Stand guy got in touch and yeah I ended up having quick sex at his before I went to a dog comp on Saturday. While I appreciate him letting me know its purely sex I'd prefer it if he didn't drum it in repeatedly that he doesn't want to date me and it was a casual thing.
Is it wrong to say I'm using him like he is using me? We kinda did the casual thing once a long time ago (remember BB?) and it did kinda end tits up but I'm a different person than I was all those years back.
And the main key to sanity is remembering to not over think it and play it for what it is/was. It might happen again. It may not. Either way it was an experience!

Been so utterly, utterly fed up over the last week.

My leg is ruined. It goes from buckling on me to being reasonable. I went and got it checked out on Tuesday and they don't/can't see anythnig really wrong with it but have referred me to physio.
I wasn't to ride, or walk or really do anything on this week off from work. Which ruined all my plans.
I got the car MOT'ed which cost me 70 quid which did put me into a bad mood until I realised that they had cleaned it for me. The local car cleaners here refuse to do it and I drive to Bromley and it costs me about 40 quid to be done properly, seeing as I had that as my plan before it went in on Wednesday I consider that I am the real winner and it only cost me 30 quid (doesn't seem that bad really!)

I was going to see CL who is now on child 2!! as her and UDOBF (was that his full acronym? I can't remember now and i'm too lazy to check) were in Windsor except child no1 apparently vomited and ruined their car on Thursday. I had already set off by then so we went to Bluewater instead and I bought myself a lime green bikini for my holiday for a bargain 15 pounds!
Of course these two days of activity ruined my leg for Friday and quite honestly knackered me so I've had a lot of naps.

Dog and I were at a comp over the bank holiday and I had to get someone else to run her but we did get two 3rd places which is awesome.

I've booked some hotels for my holiday which is now 1 month and 5 days away and have already blown this months pay packet... ~I get paid in 19 days. Eeeep.

So fed up of this nagging ache in my leg, stressed about what i'll come into on Monday (although luckily there's only a week until she's away on her holiday for two weeks (and then two weeks till mine!!)

So frustrated as I feel i've achieved nothing with this week off. Resting it hasn't even helped fix my leg! I currently have so much supportive tape on it!

Well I've officially fucked my leg. Did too much on Monday. Saturday was our fun day and was on my feet all day then. Had to bounce down the stairs on my arse sunday as leg didn't want to bend.
Hamstring now. Sigh.

I just realised I'm being fucking ghosted or whatever the kids call it nowadays.
I sent him a funny story about how someone from one of his favourite bands got left behind at a supermarket.
Nothing.

I dont harass him all the time. Fuck no. I sent him a message two weeks ago saying that I missed being friends. Nothing. I get that. That's ok. He knew I was drunk, perhaps he thought it best.
A message a week before that, he replied briefly. He had messaged me the day before. And then the week before that.
We're friends and I get that. I wish we could be best friends still and I get why we can't. But how can you just stop talking to someone you spoke to everyday for 10 years?

We speak briefly perhaps weekly in the year or so its been. He has friends he speaks to on a daily basis what with What's App and FB messenger and that.

Well I've had it made abundantly clear what with the lack of birthday greetings. Fuck you Welshy. Fuck you and it hurts more than I thought it would. This is what I was terrified off when he left me in Russia. This is what I've been preparing for, for the last year.

Reasonable day out.
Not so reasonable return journey when train got diverted and train driver didn't let anyone know so ended up in Sidcup when I could have got off the train and still got the 89 at Lewisham.

Annoyed. Walked Dog. Stole money from Brat to treat myself to Chinese - I figure its ok as I do all his cleaning for him and generally keep the house in a reasonable condition.

Tried a run. Bit of a fail as really have over done it with the leg today. Still managed a 2k in 20 minutes. Hoping I can do it in a bit better time on Wednesday when my leg is a bit more rested.

Is it wrong that I'm a little upset that One Night Stand Guy messaged me to wish me happy birthday but my ex of ten years hasn't?
Isn't that the way its supposed to go? Or as its still supposed to be friendly between us you wish someone happy birthday? Don't know. Too confusing. Definitely a little pissed off and upset about it though!

Damaged my leg again running. Bollocks.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I booked the day off of work but now I kinda wish I was going in. Hit by bad case of the mopes.

I'm lonely. I realised that a long time ago. Long before that One Night thing in May. It's not so much sex I miss but its having someone having my back, someone to talk to after work and someone I can whinge and moan to when I've had a bad day and someone I can tell the silly little adventures I have.

I don't want to be single this time next year. I don't know really how people go out and meet people these days.
Even a friend with benefits situation would be better than this. That's not going to happen with any guy I know. Not with One Night Stand Guy.

I fear two of my male friends are crushing. I don't want this. Don't want them. Lolly is coming with me tomorrow on my day out. Is it wrong that I don't really want anyone around? That I don't want him there on my birthday? It makes a mockery out of everything I have just written above there.

Maybe I'm reading too much into situations that ain't there. Maybe I should just be glad of the company. Maybe he doesn't think like that. God I hope not.

Welshy is in Morocco. Then he will go back to Russia. I miss him. I miss our friendship more than I miss him as my partner. I drunk messaged him telling him as much. He never bothered to reply.

He is a stranger to me now and I spent most of that week in Russia crying as I didn't want that to happen but now it has. Alone and its so much harder to deal with than it was ten years previously when I had no idea of how to live differently. I think really that has caused a large part of my mopes not just the usual birthday depression. He has moved on and is happy again. I'm what? Stagnating? No. Last year was stagnating. Not going out. Isolating myself from my friends. This year I am a fucking social butterfly compared to that. Treading water? What am I doing with my life apart from still living in a place I hate, caring for people who always expect me to look after them but never realising I need help too.

I will not be single this time next year I repeat fiercely. But who am I kidding really?

Tired again.

Been a crazy week at work. Someone had a stroke! Never seen anyone so ill looking in my life! Thank God I remembered the GP was in upstairs.
Started training for our muddy dog run in September. I thought I was reasonably fit. I am not. I need to be able to run 5k. I can barely run 1k.

Last night we had a grand reunion of NMM staff. Not as many people came as I hoped but some of the old school lot that started with me did and it was good to replay that summer of 07 when I seemed to spend every weekend in the pub.

Got home at 3am and then up at 8 to go dog training. I should have done the horse too. I feel really guilty that I blew her off although its not so much of a drama now she's on full livery and I don't need to do mucking out.

Instead I went to lunch with some of the boys I used to go drinking with and then we hung out in the park. I feel so tired and definitely had a bit of a hangover this morning! Great night though. Gotta try and be careful now as its still a few weeks until payday and although bizarrely I have money still this month and I've brought all kinds of things it won't last the entire month and I do want to go see some museum exhibits on my birthday.

This week I definitely dont have much to talk about. The fear of wearing the dress has been removed as not enough people wanted to do the Russian evening.
I am a little disappointed in this - not the dress wearing side of things but it did sound epic fun.

instead there's talk of a murder mystery party at Port Lympe animal park in October which again would be loads of fun but i'd either have to come back afterwards or spend about a billion pounds on accommodation in their little hotel.

I dont really wanna go home as that means not drinking but neither do I have a billion pounds for accommodation!

I've made a huge fuck up and not actually ordered two of the attractions for this years fun day at work. Looking forward to the fall out from that tomorrow......

Been very tired today and not looking forward to going out bat hunting later. I just want a nap! Putting some of this down to working overtime yesterday although I was home by midnight and asleep by half past I guess!

Not too much to report on this week, been business as usual.
I realised not only am I down to £500 left to pay on the credit card due to the cock up, I also should have paid off one of the loans by March next year. Maybe sooner as the interest is also going down as I pay it off. So I'm predicting March, but may well be February (too much to hope for that it's January) and when that's done that'll be an extra £144 I'll save a month, so of course that will either go on clearing the original credit card if not already cleared or on the 2nd loan, although I only pay a piddly £40 a month on that, but sooner that's gone then yay! an extra £180 quid a month!
It's frustrating alright, but I needed the loans at the time so I can't think badly of them but will be very much more exciting when I have that spare money.

I booked the Athens part of my holiday with some overtime money that I got this month, and i'm hoping to do at least two of the hotels needed for island hopping in August and then it's just September to go and then i'm there in October!

Dog was promoted to a faster team yesterday for a competition. She ran really well and they were unlucky to finish 5th I thought, but double her normal amount of points to go towards her next award!

May well be promoted again for the next competition in August so if so then we'll definitely get the award in September. She's having a nice doze on the sofa next to me now.

Mum is getting 10k as a payout from my Great-Uncle dying and it will be interesting to see if any of that comes my way. After being broken-hearted that she only gave me 1k out of the preliminary 86,000 she was given for Nan and Granddad dying I'm not getting hopes up, but another 1k would remove the stupid Original Credit card debit and pay off the holiday.

The flyball team are thinking of having a russian themed (?) night out for Xmas (Can't believe thinking about that already in July) Sounds ace, with casino and disco and dodgems. Downside is that  believe its formalwear and *gulp* that may mean a dress.....

work has been a bit shit but bearable, looking forward to my time off in August.

Ha. A minute ago I thought i'd have nothing to write about but actually I do!

Too tired to do it last week so apologies.
Once again we had a flyball comp in Peterborough. The team ran really well and we were unlucky not to finish in 1st place but 2nd is pretty good as once again we were seeded 6th.
Took ages to get home - I dropped one of my teammates off home and it was 10.30 by the time we got back.

Monday I was walking the dog in the field where we normally go and I got taken out by another dog. I ended up going to the hospital Wednesday and it turns out I have damaged the ligament that runs along a knee and the tendon above my ankle.
Been hobbling ever since. I had a funny side effect to the painkillers the hospital gave me on Friday. Got really dopey and hysterical.
I spent most of yesterday watching the cricket and dozing, made it hard to sleep annoyingly.

Did flyball training today and my leg is achy but not as bad as feared so hopefully we're getting better!

Just checking in before I head to bed. This week work wise has been ok. Had to go in yesterday to run a bar. My boss royally cocked it up though and I'm wondering tomorrow how she might make it my fault. Not good when I find out I need to try and get Monday off so I can drive back from Peterborough as dog is racing Sunday.

Went to quiz as usual on Thursday - I had my 98 Playoff final shirt on as just been to keep fit, ended up at the end talking to two lads who were very excited about discovering I was a Charlton fan.
My friend Lolly who I was with however, was lurking unsure if he was needed to step in if I didn't want to be talking to them and also as I'd promised him a lift home.
Shame as it then stopped it developing any further.

Went out with him and some other NMM peoples on Friday evening as one of my friends is retiring. Somehow this week I've been charged with organising a 10 year reunion.

Just got back from a flyball comp, we were seeded last in our section but all dogs ran fantastically and we got third place.

Now trying to motivate myself to do my spic homework and waiting for the dryer to finish so I can go to bed.

Been a bit of an up and down week at work.

I tried to do a balance transfer on a new credit card and royally fucked it up. Sigh.

Last night I started to organise all of Welshy's things in preparation for him coming to collect them today. Only 18 months after we split!
Was feeling restless and mopey and that didn't help. Drank some wine and thought fuck it. Booked myself flights to Athens in October.

Such an idiot! I was struggling to find money to buy toothpaste today for Gods sake! Took the horse hacking today with another lady from the yard. We were out for hours! She was so good as well!

Had hoped to catch up with Welshy but he came while I was out and took his stuff and left. I don't blame him for this although I'm hugely disappointed. His brother had driven from Wales specially for it and as we discovered last week, its a hellish thing to do.

Its so hot out there today!

I drove to see TP and TJ, poor TP. The growth has doubled since diagnosis three weeks ago and they're rushing forward with chemo.

She's being so brave bless her but is also so worried about it. I hope I managed to distract her slightly.

Also got chance for quick catch up with H2 which was great but again I wish I could have stayed longer.

I really don't know how Dad managed to do it in the same day. Went up Thursday and drove back Friday and it nearly killed me!


Supposed to have been paragliding yesterday but spent most of 4 hours sat in a field waiting for wind to pick up, gave up at 5pm and went home.

I'm going to see my friend Babbs in a bit for a quick pint as that's what hot Sunday's are made for!

Discussed it a bit more with One Night Stand guy - will need to give him a better nickname if he sticks about.
He'd clearly be up for more casual nothingness. I'm not. Different if anything would come from it but its not gonna happen. Although I kinda feel like i'm cutting my nose off to spite my face, I know that I'd end up getting feelings. (Hell they're kinda there already. -can't be honest here, where can I be?) and then end up getting hurt. Didn't that happen (minus the sex) with BB all them years back?

So we're back mocking each other and acting like nothing has happened. Kinda odd lol. Least I've made a new friend out of it!

TP has been given the sentence of 6 months chemo and then an op. I feel so helpless, they're so far away. 164 miles away to be exact.

I'm going to drive up there with the dog Thursday. Spend the evening with them. Drive home Friday. This is the longest drive - bar the weekend I spent at Welshy's I'll have ever done. (205 miles) at least that I drove up Thursday, drove home Sunday. Bit more of a gap.

Not looking forward to it, looking forward to seeing them. Looking forward to the surprise. Wish it could be longer but need to do the horse and *gulp* potential paragliding Saturday.

Did I tell you about the paragliding? Yeah. Was supposed to do it over the bank holiday. Not enough wind so it was cancelled and I had a one night stand instead.

Seriously guys. That paragraph above. What the flying fuck is going on in my life?
This is such a year of adventure compared to last years broken nothingness. Not even sure i'm any better off money wise but still... ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

I tried to engage him in conversation twice this week and failed.
Hung out as normal at flyball, it was kinda obvious it was a one night thing but being the idiot I am I had to push it, had to ask him. Said he hand't thought about it all that much since.
Left it at that. At least I know. Still no regrets though, although I think I would have liked to have developed it a bit more. I doubt that'll happen now. Feel a bit cut up about that. So much better to be a blow up doll or a man - less feelings involved.

Busy day today, did horse, washed bedding, cut some of the grass, weeded roses, cleaned house. walked dog AND fitted in two naps!

TP finds out tomorrow what her options are. Will have to remind myself to text her and find out.

I don't really know what's happened this weekend.
So there's a guy that I speak to at Flyball, he's alright. Not my usual cup of tea as he's a bit fit and I like cuddly guys, we've spoken off and on this year, just casual passing the time stuff.

Anyway our Flyball team organised a BBQ, it was loads of fun, silly games, a bouncy castle and lots and lots of drink. Lots.

Come 11.30 and we're the only ones still up, so we sit and talk, and drink, and talk and drink and then he says he wants to sleep with me. There and then.

Not too keen on that idea but then its 5.30 and we end up fooling about in the back of his car. He then goes to sleep and i'm left questioning my life choices, attempting to nap in the back of my Focus and looking after his two dogs that we kicked out of the car.

Anyway, he ends up messaging me later in the day and I've just woken up and come back from a hotel in Bexleyheath.

I'm not seeing this as anything other than what it was but 16 months is a long time to go without and if guys can do it, then why can't I can do it - taking obvious precautions - then fuck it. Judge me all you like. It's not something I'm going to make a habit out of that's for sure though. I'm too old for this shit.


Anyway. It's taken me all week to process the fact that the wonderful, lovely TP has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's 33. Next Friday they make a plan as to what to do with her. I can't imagine what she's going through and I've been there

First week without boss gone ok I think. We'll see how we get on this week.

Bit of a horrid end to my week when I took V and Dog out for a hack. Went very well, happy little trot about the fields but then on way back Dog went into neighbours field and got stuck by chicken wire, before I could turn V about to take dog back to the chicken wire free bit she bolted into the yard and got attacked by a staffy type.

Horrid. All I could hear was her screaming and by the time I got out of the bridleway there was Dog on floor being shook by Staff. People booting it and kicking it and it had just locked onto her.

V thankfully stood like a rock for me but all I could do was call for Hero. She had two little puncture marks but went a bit downhill yesterday which made me really fearful for her.

but after a hairy few hours I managed to get food and painkillers into her and now she's ok. Took her to flyball but didn't run her, just checked her reaction to the other dogs and then up to the yard for a mooch about.

It tired her out poor old thing and she's slept most of the afternoon, took her for short whiz about the field to meet other dogs and check reaction there and although wary she's ok, sleeping again now though!

Mother has been home this week on jury service. Tiring having her here but also nice to have a human to talk too, even if its just constant exhaustion.

I'm trying hard with her, to be more tolerant. I just think we will always rub each other up the wrong way unwittingly.

Horse a lot more settled in new home this week, had a potter amongst the field, had a small jumpie and some reasonable canter leg yields. Wish she'd settle enough to let me organise tack while on her.

Took Mother and Dog to paws in the park for friendly flyball comp. We got eliminated for running too fast! ooops!

Been talking to a new friend online, a guy that comes erratically to flyball, will anything come of it? who knows? He's nice enough so either way a new friend.

Going paragliding in two weeks and my boss is now off for three weeks having an op so hoping for an easy time of it.

Not too much to report about this week. V got moved to a new yard so I've been playing down country lanes. Bit on her toes but today was the first settled day. I'd like to try and take her for a hack in the next week or two.

Mother is back for jury service. Almost right away she was putting me down in front of the neighbours about the state of the house and garden. I try my absolute best, I really do but there are only so many hours in the day.

Wants the 100 quid from me, that she promised me for missing out on overtime to get her and him last time they were both back. Forgotten that one.

I got a parking ticket. yay......

Dog and I have been in Wycombe flyballing over weekend - second place. Yay! Saw red kites! Wowie!

Flyballing all this bank holiday. So tired now. Think we'll both be off to bed early!
Hero ran amazingly, we got a 1st place in our open and today she was obviously really tired and struggled a little, dropping the ball a few times but still tried her heart out for me.

Big tea for her and now she's dozing on the settee with me. We have two more competitions over the next fortnight.

I decided to celebrate next months ending of my credit card by signing up to go paragliding.

You only live once etc....

What is it about bank holidays that make a return to work seem even longer?
This week has been a drag! Went on a training course on Thursday, that broke it up a little though, I did some early morning cleaning Wednesday and Thursday.

V is moving again. This time we are all tagging along. Up and down thoughts about this. Hope it goes well. Lucky me gets to be the first to sit on her in her new home and she's bound to be up on her toes....

Had a good lesson today and that makes me sad as instructor doesn't travel, so now to get used to someone else's way of teaching and the nerves of riding in front of someone new!

Been doing a fair bit of gardening this week, repairing and weeding the damage to Dad's "fuck you cancer" shed. Brat has been helping and i've encouraged this, better for him that sitting about drinking.

Paid Friday and its going to be a fucking tight month, but on the good side next month will be the last payment of credit card debt Hurrah! I then have two loans and the overdraft to pay off.

So focus on the overdraft as the loans take care of themselves and once that's done I can then try and use some of it to remove a loan? I dunno. Just concentrate on that credit card and then one thing at a time Charbs, we're getting there, a lot slower than ever hoped but its happening and that's the main thing.

Super tired!

Been pretty much babysitting whilst at work this week, which was a bit annoying. Thankfully it was Easter so Friday off!
Did V and then drove Dog and myself to Winchester Services as cheapest hotel I could find to Hampshire ready for comp on Sat.

Another early start for that and she ran really well. We actually got in trouble for running too fast! Was very tight and came down to a 3-2 defeat which left us in 2nd place.

She then decided to wake me up (thanks. *rolls eyes*) at 6am for a wee the next morning and of course its bright outside by then and I couldn't go back to sleep so we drove back to see V ride and muck out and then home.

These long trips really seem to take it out on me as I'm still shattered today, despite a lie in until 9 and another hour long nap later that day.

We spent today clearing the back garden, filled up two wheely bins and the back is looking far more presentable. Still a long old way to go though!

Early night I think as have two days cleaning in the morning Wednesday and Thursday. Will have to be there at 5am. :( super sad about that but trying to focus on the little extra money) and of course its only two weeks until the next bank holiday!

So last week was mostly made up of cheesecake.
I foolishly volunteered to make one for work.
So that meant making a practice one at home, then a practice at work and then the real thing. Twice.
I'm sick to death of the sight of cheesecake and yet have offered to make it again this week! Foolish, Foolish Charbs.

Went to look at a new home for the horse and us to move to. Fantasies now of hacking out after work in summer sunshine. Reality is probably death and destruction as she panics at the sight of a leaf.

so tired this weekend!

I reluctantly took up an offer of a night out with some people from work. Ended up leaving a flat in plumstead at 2.30 slightly giddy on wine and vodka.
I tried my first bit of weed too. Not sure if I did it right. Didn't feel any different. Hurrah to being grown up at 33 and experimenting with what most people try in their teens!

Anyway I got in at 2.45 and God i've struggled all weekend. Not hungover, still don't really get those but so tired. Dog doesn't believe in lie ins and had me up at 7.30.

Another thing - I'd forgotten about the stink of stale smoke and had to wash my bedding and hair before being able to take her out.

Woke the Tort up from hibernation and made a cheesecake - practice as I've managed to volunteer myself into making one for work.

Didn't feel much more with it today, especially when I went to flyball training and managed to ignore all signs saying road closed and tried to turn into the road.
Stupid Charby. Then a long detour to try to find another entrance. Hope its up and fixed for next week.

Nice little jumping session. I'm really starting to feel a lot more confident over reasonably sized X-poles but still chickened out of the upright. There's talk of moving her to a yard with turn out and good hacking which i've missed. Although she's a cow to hack.

Didn't get home until 2.30 and then slept! Still really quite tired now. I've never been able to cope on less than 8 hours sleep and definitely growing older as struggled all weekend with it!

Busy week here. Maybe not as bad regarding credit card as thought. Busy trying to figure out how to change it over to the new interest free one I've got.

Mother has been home this weekend. We went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was pretty good although I did want the cartoon voices.

Not sure if Welshy has a Russian girlfriend or not. His Mam and brother have been out to see him and she posted fb photos (no girl in them) about how nice it was to see Welshy and "Elena". My stomach hurts at the thought of this and I'm angry about how my feelings are betraying me, I realise it was for the best, but fuck it. Why couldn't I be the first to move on?
Impossible when I never get the chance to meet anyone.

Dog all good. Jumped the horse which was good. First jump at proper height in nearly 20 years - not that 70cm is a proper height but its a start! Work - boss has been away this week. I fear the fallout tomorrow.....

Been a busy old week here.
in process of changing my credit card over to one that's interest free after last weeks bombshell of having spent over the loan and that I had a lot more to pay off than I thought!

I want to do the same with my bank account and that's going to be a work in progress come Wednesday payday.
11 months interest free would be super useful!

This weekend we (I and Dog) drove to Peterborough for a competition. She ran really well and shaved a few seconds off of her optimum time. I would LOVE to get her down to under 5 seconds. We'll see.

Had a nice meal with some of our team mates both Friday and Saturday, there's a guy there my age with a dog who comes irregularly. I tried to imagine dating him. Failed. urgh.

Mothership comes home Thursday for sommat or another and I won a raffle! Yippie! I never win one and its a 50 pound gift card that was free entry after signing back up for contacts.

So very tired today driving home, didn't ride in the end had a long old nap with dog curled up on my lap.

Did a few jumps with the horse last week, almost looked like decent sized cross pole at the end and now to build on that and start from scratch with an upright and then move to my nemesis the oxer (two jumps close together and jumped as one)

Next comp is over Easter. I said I wasn't available for the Sunday so hoping to get selected for Saturday or Monday. Failing that next one will be Bank Holiday.

Went on a bloody pointless training course today, supposed to be about learning management and leadership skills.
Failed to learn either. Still. didn't have to go to work, didn't have to be in Wooly until 9.45 and was home an hour earlier than normal.

Last night I thought it'd be fun to do a "on this day" looking back through my blogger posts for March and back.

Some of it was fun, memories of drunken nights with friends in Derby, o travelling adventures some of it was sad reading about Welshy and how much fun we used to have together and then how it all died. Some of it was utterly heartbreaking remembering Dad and those last few months together.

I read too of awful comments Mother made and I find myself doubting the words I've written. Did she really tell me I was too stupid to take a job? Did she really, repeatedly tell me how awful I am compared to the Brat. Did she ever pay back the thousand pounds I've lent her?

My posts at some point changed from full of hope, that I would one day free myself from this, make something of myself, to bitter resignation.
I no longer have hope that I will do that. Life that keeps me in London, the economy that makes it impossible for me to live in London independently has killed that.

Perhaps it went when I lost the job in Bedfordshire. The final nail on the coffin when she failed to make good on the promise that I'd have some of the inheritance. I kept a foolish hope that one day Welshy would pull himself together and help me get out of this mess, but yet I always planned how I'd keep the both of us, knowing that nothing would change.

 I just have to keep on treading water, those debts are slowly going, Only 600 pounds left of a one time 2,800 credit card debit. I can pay that off in 6 months if I do a 100 pounds a month. I can pay it off in three months if I can carry on the 200 a month I'm currently paying back.

Then to focus on the overdraft. I can do this, not sure yet of the best procedure to do so. and then next August the bank loan I took out will be done and I can rebuild. 16 more months. Then who knows?

Well I do now know. I will be here still. And I will be here in another 10 years.

On/off week back at work. Manager is applying for funding to create a new role and its something I'd like to go for but a) the self-doubt creeps in as to whether I'd actually be suitable or able to cope for it.
b) the funding only lasts for three years. I have no intentions on being unemployed at the end of three years as stands to reason that my role now wouldn't still be available and would have gone elsewhere.

V has had a bit of a cough this week and therefore we've had a bit of a slump after last weeks high of how well she was going, can't hold it against her nor let it get me down.

I did shit loads of planting yesterday, spent far too much money in the garden centre, created a new hanging basket for the porch and planted candytuft, begonias, a mixed planter and a raspberry bush.

I'd toying with the idea of getting a planter for carrots but we'll leave that I think until payday at the end of this month as I've got a hotel stay in Peterborough for a competition weekend after next and really I should tidy the patio up so I can plant them and carry on battling the weeds in the front garden.

Tomorrow I am attending a leadership and management course. We'll see if we're able to put any of it into practice.....

I've been off this week, as part of Mother's inheritance she decided to put some money into doing the porch. (our old porch has been without a door for at least 8 years).
Of course as benefits my life this has not been without its dramas.
Monday 8am they arrive and cheerily inform me that there has been a cockup and the scaffolding needed wouldn't be arriving until lunchtime and I was to call them then.
So I took dog to Greeny Park, it was a glorious sunny day. The first of a week of sun I hoped and we threw sticks, met some nesting parrots and had a lovely walk.
The scaffolding arrived at 1.30, so as requested I called them and left a voicemail. They called me back at 3.30 and said it was a bit late to do anything now and I'd see them Tuesday Morning at 8am.

Tuesday morning and as stated they were indeed there at 8am. I left them cracking on and took Dog to Lullingstone. Not as lovely a day but we still had a nice walk and a yummy cake and hot chocolate after. I got home about 12.45 and workmen were gone, however they have destroyed my tulip border.
I was struggling that day to be perky for some reason and took this quite hard. I have slowly been taking more and more of an interest in my front garden, removing slowly all the weeds and brambles and having grass reclaim it.
The tulips I'd originally brought for Nan and Granddad's Grave. There was red ones and white ones and some that were red and white petalled. (Charlton colours obvs) I was getting excited about them sprouting and hoped that only two or three weeks more might see buds arrive.

Wednesday no one came. I sat in until lunchtime then gave up and took Dog to Oxleas Wood where we had a muddy walk and then came home and a shower. Mother hinted that they might have called her but it was 1am her time (currently she is in LA) I rang through about 2.30ish and discovered that yes - despite having given them my number and landline they had ignored that and rung her instead.

Thursday - (bear in mind that the work was supposed to be Monday-Wednesday only) The man arrived shortly after 8am. 10 minutes after arriving he knocks on the door and very apologetically tells me that its been measured wrong and won't fit together. He promises to give me a call and return later that afternoon or early Friday. I don't hold out much hope for him returning that afternoon and I was proved right.

Friday no one came and we went to Foots Cray Meadow for a sunny walk along the river, bit annoyed that the weather had only just turned to sun again and this had also scuppered my plans to do gardening and aviary cleaning although I was still disheartened by Tulip Massacre.

I rang again mid afternoon and was told someone would call back - which they did! They promised to arrive Saturday and said that they had only just got the replacement parts.

I was pleasantly surprised to see him arrive Saturday and he cracked on throughout the day only leaving at 3.30 as weather was changing and promises to come on Monday when I am back at work to finish off the gaps around the edging.

This has been a bit of a crappy way to have a week off as I've done very little due to weather and porch dramas. I also found that I can't have my planned week off over May due to my boss needing an operation and being off for a month. Busy now trying to re-plan this as I'm determined to go.

Been a busy old week here. Work has been pretty full on but in a good way - had my appraisal today which went better than this time last year!

We did a flyball contest at the weekend - our team came last but hey ho, its all a learning curve for us and best of all it was an early finish so I was home by 6.30!

The weather has been shit, and not the good kind of shit, its been horrid sleety snow thats tried to settle and failed. V did look quite pretty with the snow melting into her forelock and mane though as I rode Friday night.

The Twins are coming back to visit me in June, it has been decided. They would like to see the Trooping of the Colour I'm not too fussed but it'll be nice to see them. Will need to look and find a nice walk/adventure to take them on.

I am planning my first solo holiday island hopping in Greece, but I had planned for June as it would be cheaper and nice weather so we'll see now...
Was definitely gonna need to book it up in stages to make it more affordable, but we'll plan that out come next Wednesday as to whether or not I have big enough balls to book the flights.

I forgot! Been now a whole year without Welshy in my life. Well just as a friend. Bizarre. We still catch up once or twice a week.

Nearly failed in my new mission of blogging at least once a week. 

Rome was lovely - at least 10 degrees warmer than the current vile -2 here! Saw so much more of it than last time's whirlwind tour with the Mothership.

Lolly good company as hoped and no awkwardness. Took train down to Pompeii and did that thoroughly as well.

Gave me a lot of possibly false confidence about travelling alone, currently trying to see if a trip to Athens and some island hopping might be feasible come June. I also am thinking about Romania in September.

We'll see..... 

Hoping it warms up a little here, no fun walking the dog in the cold and the poor horse has been trapped in her box as too cold to turn out in the field and too hard to ride in the school.

Off to Rome tomorrow, hope it'll be fine!

Dog did her first comp of year, fucked up one heat but still finished 3rd.

I tried a face mask tonight! Remember how cool it was to do the PVA glue thing on your hand at school. Peeling it off was just like that!

Back to work and a little sluggish getting myself back into my routine. Feeling a bit guilty about that. Poor Dog has been not coping without her early morning walk, but she hates the cold, and its been bitter ice the last few mornings.
I got contacts! That was another part of my little image change, well its not really a change as I have been like this in various stages of this Blog's life but hey ho!

Work has been fairly positive. She's talking about how I need to step up more and take more responsibility. Which will lead into perhaps a better title and hopefully more money, but we won't raise our hopes.

Me and the dog have registered to do a 5k muddy dog challenge in September to raise money for Battersea Dog and Cat home and E has suggested we also in the same month attempt a 100k walk for charity along the Thames Path....

Of course there's only one charity i'd wanna raise money for and we'll just pause *here* for the moment and wonder just how the fuck can it be 11 years yesterday since that awful Wednesday when Dad went away.......

So our annual end of year review.

GOOD POINTS - No one died this year. Well no one I know despite 2016's attempt at destroying people.
I still have a job.
I still have the dog and the horse.
I am slowly wriggling out of debt - another 26 months to go! God I wish I'd taken the loan sooner.
Russia - despite breaking up with Welshy, it was lovely
Exploring various places via flyball and the dog

BAD POINTS.
I am desperately lonely.
I am still so very, very poor
Its another lonely New Year and work again on Tuesday and the usual pretence about having had a good time, I feel like I've wasted this week of free leave somehow.

So as normal FUCK OFF 2016 and Hello 2017.

Its not been too bad a Christmas so far, The usual bout of lies about what i'm doing, going up to see the horse, walking the dog. I've been painting the upstairs hall and I think one more coat should do it. I was hit by a pang in the bottom of my stomach that made me feel sick when I saw that Welshy had been with his friends in London and not been to see me, but I remind myself there is no need for him to do so now.

I cut my hair off. Well I got a professional to do it. 6 inches gone and now we sport a casual little bob, I got my contact lenses back, just a pay as you wear type deal.

And here I am starting my vow early to blog at least once a week. I might have a nap now. That's the best thing about Christmas. Two weeks then I go to Rome!

So Wednesday when I blogged, I was hit by a fit of loneliness. I'd gone to bloody ASDA just to be around people, clutching my Yankee Candle and repeating silently. Fiercely. I am not Lonely. I am not Lonely.

Yesterday was a better day, I find my depression - if that's what I've battled all these years - to be hit and miss like this, up days and down days. Of course now with the dog I cannot let it win like I used to. I cannot simply spend the day sleeping in bed. She needs me. I must get up, I must get her breakfast and dinner ready, I must take her for at least two hours of exercise throughout the day.

So it manifests itself in other ways, aimless fantasies about how satisfying it would be to be fully independent, to reject Welshy should the unlikely occurrance of him suddenly appearing at my door from Russia and telling me that he had made a huge mistake.

This is another blog post for another day. The sudden realisation in the summer that, I had fallen out of love with him a long time ago, and my grief was the grief of losing my best friend and the fear of being alone. Well I'm alone now, and I was alone before him and I was alone when he was away. So what's the fucking difference really?

So Thursday after work I made a really nice (even if I say so myself) bacon and mushroom carbonana, I started to paint the upstairs hall - context - It has been bare plaster work for 6 years and I tidied the kitchen and I did some writing.

I kept busy. I mean I am busy every day, dog walking, work, horse riding, Spanish, tidying up after my brother's filth. Flyball. But focused busy. I have a plan.

Today I took the afternoon off. I made an appointment to get contact lenses again. I rode the horse early and then came home, made another pasta dish and did some more painting. I booked an appointment to get the brakes checked on the car. I can afford such things now!

I am taking next Wednesday off. Then we close on Friday for Christmas, I was dreading it a little, all that time with nothing to do but drift aimlessly. I have a plan.
The dog is overdue some nice long walks. I have not had my haircut in two years. I am going to book a real appointment in a real terrifying hairdressers. I realise my outdoorsy lifestyle means I cannot have too drastic a change, but I'm going at least to get a trim and be baffled by words like feathering, and layers, and highlights and lowlights.

I will finish painting the hall, at least the first coat. I will do some necessary repairs to the aviary. All being well I shall return to work, with new hair and new eyes so to speak! A minor image change!

And then I am at work for two weeks and then I am going to Rome which I did promise to tell you about and I shall explain the circumstances behind this soon.

But now, in my upcycle of motivation. I'm going to tell you my new years resolutions.

1 - I will sit the DELE A2 exam finally. February or April.
2 - I will blog - if not every day, at least once a week.
3 - I will go on at least one foreign holiday by myself.
4 - I will write that story, and see what happens with it.

I set myself various challenges to achieve before 30. Some remain and will probably remain uncompleted, like having my own home, yes I can speak Spanish but I do not class myself as fluent, I would like to reach B2 level before I would class myself as that, that may take a long, long time, but I am shitloads better than this time last year, this time two years ago. Fuck I'm a shitload better than 4 years ago when I lived in Spain.
Most took longer to achieve than I planned.

Tomorrow People. I will tell you about my planned trip to Rome.

There are good days and bad days in my life, and I expect there this will continue with battling the bad days more than the good but I have to remember that I am a fucking awesome human, who has seen and done some pretty cool shit and that should be enough to get me through the bad days.

In November I went out to Grotty - first trip in 6 years. I tied it up with a Spic course - actually had conversations - however stilted with people! Super chuffed with myself. The course I found harder and harder as the week went on although it was stuff I had covered.

I scuba dived as well and that was pretty cool and it was bearable being with them and then Mother came home (she has just gone again) three weeks later.
She has been given a preliminary payment from the wills of 68k. Remember how she said that I could have a third of whatever she got?
Yeah she forgot that. She said she didnt want to give me anything as she didnt want it wasted on paying off debts.
The debts that I got into after getting sacked after looking after her and being the go-between between her and her ridiculous family.
I cried. I have had to visit the pub up the road to go to the loo when I couldn't afford toilet rolls, had to choose between repairing shoes with holes or buying enough food for the week. I who blow a stupid amount of money on repaying loans and credit card bills and buying items like bleach, and lightbulbs and bin bags despite the Brat earning more than me, he refuses to spend out on anything.
Remember when the job centre refused to give me any money because I went to an interview rather than go sign on, despite giving them all the proof needed?
Remember when they told me I could get an emergency loan and then pay it back out of the JSA?
Remember when I took time off of work to support her in Court after their trumped up excuses and taking time off of work to go see Nanny?

Yeah. I do. I have had the thoughts of 20k - hell even 5k would clear my debts to keep me going for the last two years. And then it got snatched away.

She did  - to be fair - give me a thousand pounds. That's a 1/3 of my credit card paid off. And I was never mentioned in the will and therefore I cannot say or do anything. I am not my family. I will drag myself out of fucking debt my own way and if it means my only hope is now gone, then so be it.
I am not as fucking broke as I was this time last year having to accept a food parcel from E and P's mam.

Hell I even brought a Yankee Candle tonight and if that's not burning money I don't know what is!!

Xmas is coming and i'm feeling goddam lonely, but that will be a post for another night - including how I managed to book myself onto a flight to Rome which I realise makes a mockery of above or alternatively shows how I've managed to free myself so much that I can book these things. Maybe this time next year I could consider a longhaul flight although doing so alone frightens me.
But again a post for another day.

I've felt very guilty about the gaps in blogging.
I miss venting on this.

I took a bank loan to clear my overdraft. I feel really good about this, bizarrely its a good move (I hope) yes I've dipped back into it by about 200 pounds, but I got things I have been waiting and needing for ages. Like new back tyres, like new bedding (mine was more hole than sheet), I bought more food than actually needed so I can start to replenish supplies.
I was quite cross that there was a week in August that I bought a pack of four loo rolls. When we ran out, I literally had no money to replace them. We went through them in a week. I bought a back of 16 this month. We have used two. How do you figure that out?
Now I need to remain sensible. I obviously have to pay it back, its spread over 16 months, a realistic figure to pay.
I still need things. New brake pads are the most pressing outstanding item, but I'm going to do that in the November pay run. I've been picking up little bits of overtime each month - each little bit would be enough to cover the months repayment, but its still a doable figure should I not get that bit of money.
In February I foolishly booked flights to Grotty thinking I would be out of debt and could afford a Spanish exam and intensive course. Well of course thats not the case, but I'm going to use this months little bit of overtime to pay for the Spanish course and Mother and TMWMitW are going to also chip in for it.
Its such a weight off of my mind knowing I can buy food now, and not necessarily yellow stickered food.

 I bought daffs and tulips for the Grave, its made me sad to think of it neglected, and I thought that, being annual plants it would be ok but I've since found out that there are plans for a whopping slab of stone over the top. So I started to dig over the front garden. A project that has been neglected since we moved in - Sometime around 1998 - Its a hard slog and I struggle to find time, but I plan on planting a border and hopefully getting some turf to make a lawn.

I want to tell you the story of my Grandparents. I'm thinking of signing up to ancestory.com or similar to see if I can find out more.

It is hard now that there is no one to ask - but they were of the generation that didn't talk of their feelings or emotions - but theirs is an interesting story, of child-loss and working in mines and being sent to fight in Korea, of mother and baby care homes.

I will make it in Word I think and then it will be easier to edit and then I shall record it here.

The dog is doing amazingly well at her flyball. I love it, I love her. The horse nearly got sold and then came back again and now L has realised she needs more than she is getting at the current yard. I am currently losing riding mojo- I always do at this time of year when the nights draw in and the thought of mucking out and riding in frost and dark for months and months is almost too much to bear.

TP and TJ visited and we saw the Harry Potter Play. It was good, the effects made it really, storyline a bit naff but I'm keeping the secrets for those who haven't seen/read it.

Welshy is back in Russia. He was home for a bit over the bank holiday but now is gone again. We still talk semi-regularly, send each other Facebook links to things that may amuse.

I am starting - no I am lonely - but I dont understand how people meet people nowadays, nor how people have time for relationships. I made a timetable tonight, to try and use my time more effectively. I have genuinely scheduled weekend naps.

I don't particularly want a relationship either, but I want the person who has my back bit. Someone I could talk to about everything and anything, that endless conversation.

until then I have ice cream and I've learnt to make cheesecake and I have a dog asleep on my lap, what with that and vodka, who could ask for more?!

So the days roll on. I sometimes get lonely but I am busy.
V's owner has a list of people she is trying to set me up with. The Flyball team suggested someone.

What am I supposed to do to these people? Fall and grovel at their feet begging that "yes, please set me up with X Y and Z. Oh God anything to stop this loneliness."

Instead I smile politely and feign interest.

My frustrations mostly come from not having the money to celebrate doing what I like, like holidays. But whatever. I buy what ice-cream I like now instead of having to find one that suits us both. I'm gonna go to a heavy horse show on Saturday.

I carry on with my life pretty much how I did before. Yes sometimes there are satisfying fantasies about finding someone, or him coming back to me, but i'm happy enough on my own.

Meanwhiles the probate/will row rumbles on. The copywriting issue rumbles on and I await the results of both.

Gotta say how much i'm loving Wales in the Euro's. Obviously cos of Welshy I've watched a lot of their matches over the last nine years and this is the best I've seen - especially that game against Belgium!
Have a cheeky quid on them to win the thing - 66 to 1!
Also loved Iceland, super sad they're out. Least said about England the better though!

Welshy came back, was a little odd but nice to see him. Horse was broken for a while but is getting better now and we've had a couple of really good lessons.

My laptop has been on the verge of death for several weeks, there have been many things I've wanted to talk about but the fan overheats and then it dies.
However - hurrah - today I got my nice new fan ordered - thanks Amazon! - and we're cooking on gas again.

So we've been out and about at flyball competitions which drag me all over random parts of the home counties all weekend. We've been riding lots, I'm tentatively thinking about registering myself for an A2 DELE exam which is basically the equivalent of a A grade GCSE.
Work is ok, busy organising our next fun day. I went and spoke to the representatives at Greenwich Council about saving a field that I walk my dog on from development (Greenwich sadly is no longer green and lovely, it is developed greatly from when I started this blog and tower blocks are everywhere and no infrastructure to cope.) Somehow from this I became the elected Treasurer of a local residents association.
Mother is embroiled in more legal action regarding Nan and Granddad's wills, it all rumbles on. It is thought that all children get 60k, not sure if this includes inheritance tax, so a bit less than the 100k we initially thought but beggars can't be choosers!
Theft, libel, harassment are all flung about on a daily basis. I snapped and gave them all a peace of my mind and then threatened to do them for harassment separately if they continued to pester me.
TMWMiTW is busy trying to find out if one of his songs was copied by someone else who made it rather famous (all I can say on that really at this stage) and I'm made to write them letters to solicitors and deliver it.

The Brat remains a millstone around my neck, between all the above and the daily walks of a minimum of 2 hours that the dog needs I somehow am the only person who cleans and tidies the house, sorts out his dirty washing - or at least removes it back to his room from where it takes up residence about the house, I go on treasure hunts to find plates and cutlery so I can wash them so I have something to eat off of, I buy out of my meagre wages all the necessary items for a house, bin bags, bleach, washing up stuff.

Welshy has been in Russia for 2 months. He comes back to spend the night before going to Wales and then back down south to Folkestone. In March he moved all his stuff back to Wales and it hurt.
Yet we remain civil, we talk nearly every day as before, although obviously not as much. Not sure what it will be like tonight. We will see.

H2 did a flying London visit, was great to see her and TP and TJ come to visit in a fortnight and we're off to see the Harry Potter Play. Super excited.

I voted for the first time! Unfortunately it was not a positive experience. Leaving the EU. I am awaiting Gestapo boots on my street demanding passport checks.

It is all very interesting watching it unfold, I am trying to remain positive about it all and hope for a huge fall in house prices to something that I could perhaps one day afford and the return of passport stamps every time I bumble over to Europe.

Life goes on and at the moment it is sunny, I am taking a break from cleaning the house to watch England/Australia in the rugby and later I am going to get excited cheering Wales on in the Euros.

Not the biggest fan of Liverpool FC I think their fans are whiney and deluded but once a long, long time ago my housemate started taking an interest in football and Sheffield Wednesday FC. She had no idea of what Hillsborough represented and I insisted the first time I went to a game with her that we found the memorial and she asked whether it was the fans fault and I tried to explain that we might never know, but everyone knew really it was the police's, the stewards, those in charge on the day.
I've been to many games at Hillsborough, both in the home end and in the away end and I've tried to visualise that day. But you can't. No one should go to football and not come home. No one should have had to wait that long for the truth to come out.
Reading the reports today, watching the footage and it makes my heart ache and even makes me close to tears. 
Justice has been done at last. 

Phew- Blogger went a bit mental for a few days and I have been unable to post.

So he moved back to Wales last Thursday. I kept telling him he didnt need to go. He kept insisting that he did. I think he has realised now how hard travelling about for his job is from there though!
He is coming back next Friday and then probably back to Wales from there.

It's hard to think about but yet surprisingly easy how we have slipped into just communicating a few times a week, instead of almost every hour. It still breaks my heart and he is on my mind a lot but yet life goes on and its almost normal. I am grateful that we have always been a bit "long distance" as it makes this easier to bear but I am still lonely without him. I guess its the missing the contact and companionship more than anything else.

Dog went for her first flyball. She was overwhelmed and frightened by it all but tried so hard and I was so pleased when she did it for me on her final run.

Horse is going well.

I am still so poor. I have for the last three months concentrated on paying off my credit card debt and it is so frustrating this time of month when I still have 11 days till payday, my bank balance reads 0 and yet I have 215 pounds (alright its not a lot but its a start and I have dipped into it a little this month as the dog threw up in the car and I needed new jods as well as having it cleaned after). I can only access this for card payments. I cannot withdraw any nor transfer it into my normal account. I guess this is a good thing as it does make it harder for me to blow it but at the same time God it's frustrating.
In 11 days time though I shall be rich again (I HATE living payday to payday) and I can move enough over to make it up to 400 pounds of debt repaid and then even if i inevitably break into that at this point next month I will still not use all of that and its a slow, slow crawl towards financial stability!
Only another 2,400 to go and then I can work on the overdraft!! So should be debt free by oh I don't know 2020?

In a way its like he's away - which technically he is.
There's been a couple of moments which ache my heart. Like now. It's now been nearly 36 hours since we spoke and this is normal I tell myself but this is the longest we've gone for 10 years without communicating. I guess this is an unwanted record that keeps on growing. I rarely speak to my other friends weekly - I consider it keeping in good contact if I do it fortnightly!

I'm slowly starting to tell my friends, although less than three or four know at the moment. Its still I guess a bit of a hard thing to admit.
We spoke before he went away. I pushed him away a lot, always worrying that he would let me down, trying to protect myself from getting hurt (did a bad job there) being flippant, making him do all the running when it came to him visiting me because I was so insecure. (probably not much better now tbf) of course that hurt him. What i'm trying to say I guess is that I realise neither of us are blameless. We're not the people we were 10 years ago, not even 3 years ago. I still remain hopeful that the contact will stay however.

I'm just going to throw out here now that TMWMitW wrote a song a while back, he now suspects that this song was stolen and recorded by someone rather famous. Legal advice is being consulted. We'll see what happens there.

Still no news in regards to my inheritance.

Sunday was awkward. We didn't really speak. Monday he told me he was going back to Wales and he did and returned last night.
I ended up weeping to my boss at work about it on Monday but now the shock and pain has died away a little and perhaps he is right that it is for the best.

He is back now and today we walked the dog in Greenwich Park and he talked about how his brother is coming to collect some of his things.
Although things he doesn't use often. I guess he is slowly going to move himself back up there, although I'd love him to stay here, I realise that might not be possible.

So we endure, we start planning a new life away from him. I've booked a week off at Easter and am toying with the idea of taking the dog to Hampshire for the week if I can get a cheap enough deal. I could see CL there too, it has been years since I saw her last.

They are in the process of selling Nan and Granddad's stocks and shares. We have cleared their house now. I hope that when that's done, the inheritance can be sorted and we can move on from there.

Mother seems to think it could be done by the end of the month. I'm anticipating April.

I'm planning my first ever solo holiday - it will be a treat for when I clear 700 pounds worth of credit card debit or when I get my share of the inheritance. It wouldn't be far or long. Just a long weekend in Europe somewhere.
Everyone has to start somewhere and when I have enough courage about going away alone then I can try long haul. To the places I've always wanted to go but Welshy hasn't been keen. Canada. Australia. We'll see what happens. Obviously I need money first.

I've been trying to do some research into what to do with it. I'm hoping for 25k once all is said and done. Unfortunately that's not enough for a home of my own in London or even the outskirts of NW Kent which is local.

I'm considering the idea of buying a place up in Derbyshire and renting it out. At least I can then have some additional income and should I become unemployed for any reason again I can sell it.

We'll see.... knowing the way my luck goes. I'll be lucky to get 25p and be here this time next year attempting to get out of my debts still...

I loved St Petersburg. Russia was cold - not as cold as ancipated - but so, so pretty. The architecture especially the churches, the winter palace and the Hermitage.
We explored, got caught in a snowstorm, stumbled over ice. Ate pancakes, swam and made use of the sunas and restaurant where i ate in pitch darkness. I really recommend it to anyone and I'd love to see Moscow now.

Welshy and I broke up, its been on the cards for 2 years. We tried to do it in November. 10 years of friendship, 9 years dating and its over and that's quite scary.
He stayed in a different hotel to the one we booked. I spent the evenings alternating between hysterical sobbing and loudly bellowing out break up songs.
I relied on him to keep me strong for so long and he relied on me, and now its stifling, we don't talk any more.
He will be back upstairs in mums room this week and then away for three with work.
Then who knows. I don't want to lose him at all but today and the silence around each other has been horrid so perhaps best he moves out when he can.

During the day i can make grand plans and tell myself i will be ok. In the evenings i crumble and i wosh i was stronger. I am frightened of life without him - he has been the only person to care about me for a long time and life alone seems strange but i am so glad we don't have kids or a place of our own or any commitments past the animals.

I remind myself that what will come will never be as hard as what i have endured and i cross my fingers that, that is true and i will continue to endure.