These last two weeks have been tricky money wise. However I hope tomorrow (payday) to finally pay back the housing benefit they gave me and then from next month I can move on, that extra 50 quid a month will come in handy - I do need to give the Mothership 400 though for car insurance, but i'm hoping that if I can put it off for two/three months, then i'll have a solid base to start from or to rely on when I give it to her and then struggle on.

This month will also be tight as the dog needs spaying and various bits on the car need updating before its serviced and MOT'ed. But i'm not going to think about that now. The important thing is that I do that final housing benefit payment and sort the car out and by all accounts although it will be a bit, not as much as I feared.

Work is going well, we revamped a room and hope to organise it as a hub for older people in the community. Looking into funding for a Dementia Clinic - obviously this is something close to my heart what with Nanny and Granddad being sufferers.

Trying to plan a summer Fete as well - will be a nice community thing and raise our profile a little.

I have my last probation review this week (apparently the trustees ask that all employees have a monthly review) and I hope it will go well.
I remain hopeful that at some point they will open up an assistant managers position and I can apply for that and be boosted by the improved wages. I feel groomed sometimes, my manager tells me things I'm to keep in confidence and the meetings I hold I sometimes feel are more than what a normal administrator should do - although also well aware that this isn't exactly a "normal" administrative position! If any position like that came up, I doubt it'll be this year!

V is going well and I'm going to try Combined Training again this month - it will be my one treat out of the strict budget I live in.
The puppy is getting spayed Tuesday - Christ alone knows how we will keep her from going crazy during the two weeks she is to be still.

Welshy comes home tomorrow from Russia - I was thinking about this time last year and his breakdown. He seems recovered but I am prepared now for this to happen again.

I'm meeting Flash and Shorty on Sunday - if I can work it around the competition. Will be super hard to live on my budget then but at the same time I've "known" her either through this or Facebook for 10 years so not meeting her is really out of the question!

Life plods on, I grow slowly older, I veer between utter despair of clearing my debts and hopes that I can still do it by the end of the year, but its summer and that always gives you a boost!

Went on a tour of the Baltic.
Vilinus Lithuania - Dead pretty, nothing to do.
Riga Latvia - not as pretty, more pro Russia, visited a water park and a museum of oppression. Guess what was my choice and what was Welshy's? Very much designed for Stag dos.
Tallinn Estonia - First time in airbnb. Enjoyed it, also pretty, more to do, less stag do-ey
Helsinki - why the fuck do you think people only want to drink carbonated water/water with salt/water with calcium in it? Mega expensive.
Copenhagen - bus system is a joke, Central station smells of wee. Little Mermaid statue small.

Back to work now. Puppy was amazingly happy to see me, made me all squiffy inside :) would be nice if she calmed the fuck back down now though....

So I did my combined training class. The Dressage went well. I fell off Friday before on a 70cm Parallel and i'm still suffering from that. So we refused the parallel in the class and I got eliminated.

I tried to get the money I was owed from Brat. He screamed abuse at me. I screamed back. I thought he was going to hit me.
He stormed out. I tried again a few days later. I only needed 40 pounds to get through the month. He owed me close to 200, I asked for the 40. He grabbed me around the throat and tried to throw me out the room.
I stood my ground and made it impossible for him to do so. I still didn't get my money for a fortnight after that, he told me I should get rid of my animals and stop living beyond my means.
Yes. If only we could pick and choose when we choose to pay rent and council tax, if only the housing benefit people hadn't suddenly decided I need to repay the money I had from them last summer.
If only the other people who wanted the dog paid in and did their share of feeds and walks as they promised.

This week Mother was home, I collected her late, put up with her strop when I refused to take her back to the airport at 2am the day of my competition when I had to be at the yard at 7am.
I ran around like an idiot for her, trying to fit all her demands into my day - what with puppy school and riding and spanish lessons I literally have only Monday and Saturday to do anything for myself.
She made me a chocolate cake.
This afternoon I got home to find that someone had eaten the last two slices, actually to make matters worse they'd only taken bites from the slices and left the rest.
She laughed it off and promised to make me another. Seriously what is the point? I told her about how he treats me, she told me she felt sorry for me and we've never mentioned the subject again.
What am I to do?
I no longer look forward to holidays cos I fear what state the house will be in and what I have to tidy when I get back, I fear what of my animals will be dead cos he can't be bothered to feed them, fuck only knows what will happen to the dog in the next two weeks as I can't find a sitter.

I've worked since August pretty much and am no further into paying off my overdraft or credit card because I'm constantly paying off other debts and at the moment paying apparently for Mother to go to Vegas, I've just had to find her and him the best flights and do the ESTA for them.
She whines that she has no money but yet leaves bank statements lying about showing she has 4k in savings. Informing me I need to find 500 pounds for car insurance. Which I get is my fault as I'm the one driving it not her, but urgh. So much resentment.

So much depression in knowing i'll never escape this.

Cruising along. Still stupidly poor - if it wasn't for the council tax and housing benefit nonsense i'd be 600 pounds away from the end of my overdraft. If Boy paid me what he owed me then I'd be currently 80 pounds away.
At the moment i'm 9.30 away from it. Payday is next Wednesday. I'm depressed about this. I've lived on a strict 70 pound a week budget most of the month but yet I don't seem to be getting anwhere.
I want to go on holiday. I want to renew my season ticket. I can't afford any of these things

Puppy starts classes on Wednesday, Welshy is away currently and I've signed up for a combined training competition with the horse. We jumped 65 semi-well over the weekend. I'd like to get up to 70-75cm and do the one in June as well. We'll see.


I went with Nan to get a bone scan done after her fall. Poor Nan, she couldn't cope with it, sat in the chair in a little world of her own, humming and with her hands over her ears. Tried to escape from the xray room. And yet those idiots say mum is cruel by denying her days out with the home? None o them came or showed any interest in going to the hospital despite standing up in court and lying that they had a plan in place for when mother couldn't come, and that she was shutting them out. They all had two weeks warning about this, none of them even had the decency to say "sorry, we're on holiday."

Wankers.

So we won.
A pretty hollow victory. It should never have got this far and gives all the signs onlf it being just 1-0 at halftime.
We got there at 9 but didn't meet our barrister until 10, mis communication meant he didnt know we had arrived.
Despite being told it was only to be uncle I and mother inside, all of the fuckers showed up. I kicked up some fuss so they allowed me in as well.

The judge allowed I to have first say but kept interrupting him to ask him to stick to facts and not suspicions.
All of them tried to have their say though. They were mostly ignored.
I held mums hand, tried to ignore both her and my shaking and increasing anger. It is one thing to read lies, but to have them presented to a judge as facts is another.
It mainly boiled down to three things. That mum had failed to inform them she was doing the deputyship. We had a chain of emails where they had all discussed that mum should do it. Mother had assumed that the courts informed the interested parties but apparently they don't. At least we had the emails to say it informally though.
They argued that mum had not informed them of nan's finances. Of which she does not have to do, her role involves protecting nan and if she does not want to reveal figures then she does not have to.
That Mum does not communicate anything with them.
Considering that two of them have physically attacked her and as we've seen lie, she addresses them all via email and text. Best to have written details.
Finally they argued that Mum in Spain hinders and stops her role.
The judge then did his summing up.
Yes mum had assumed that the courts informed but equally they should have assumed it was going ahead. (Lets pretend I never dictated anything down the phone to me in how to fill the form in.)
That mum being in Spain has no effect on the main part of her role which is looking after finances.
And finally. That she submits accounts to two different auditors to check finances and they have never EVER needed to question anything.
So yeah fuck you.
Case dismissed. Mum was scolded for not informing everyone properly. She (or rather Nan's money) has to pay her fees. Not their costs.
So game over. Except I fear not. Clearly hinted at was a threat that they suspect Mum to have taken Granddad's finances and thats fraud and that i fear is their plan b.
So as i said last night. We nap, we regroup and now we make a plan b just in case!

So tomorrow we go to Court.
I hate this, the waiting, the anticipation. Feeling powerless and wanting someone to step in and fix it for me.
I wonder if people in the War felt like this? Perhaps its me being too dramatic.

Welshy drunkenly last night tried to reassure me that I'm strong, and I laughed at him. Being strong would be able to find an answer for all this without it having to go to Court, I have too many days where I crumble under it all and huddle under the duvet and try to sleep the days away.

Dad's illness.
Dad's death.
The fallout
Mother's accident.
Looking after her.
Looking after Boy and failing miserably on that account, still being unable to reach him despite my best efforts.
Looking after Nan.
Looking after Granddad.
Being caught up in the middle of Mum and Boy's disintegrating relationship.
Learning of Boy's stillborn daughter.
Years of jobs that I hate or feel waste my time.
Welshy's mental illness/es
Losing my job when Granddad died.
8 Long, long dire months of unemployment.
Losing my job again in Bedford.
Now going to Court, to defend Mother and Nan against parasites. My own family.

I have never dealt with any of these things as a strong person would. I've allowed myself to get swept along, to cry and be weak instead of remaining solid, silent, impartial.
Someone strong would have dealt with it all better, I'm certain.
Do they genuinely believe that Mother is unstable? That she has used Nan's funds for her own gain? If she has I wouldn't be so far in debt!
What if Court believe the tales of a man up to his neck in CCJ's? A man who tried to remortgage the house into his own name? The lies of a woman who moved her son, into the home, mere days after he died. A person who has not worked since leaving school. Someone who has done time for drug offences?
How to fix the problem should they do?
Mother is mentally unstable. She has had two breakdowns, but yet she has always, always done her best for Boy and her parents. To lose this will destroy her.
Me? Well our relationship is well documented on here, how she relies on guilt trips to keep me compliant, how I feel ambivalent towards her, how I struggle to when I have years of being told I'm worthless, that she would have had boy and not me, but I put all that aside as I always do to look after her.
I cannot protect her from this. I cannot protect myself. If she should lose, she will lose all her savings. The house will need to be remortgaged or sold. What will happen to us all then? Boy clings to here as the last thing he has of Dad. I cannot afford a home for me, Welshy and my animals.

But. If we lose, we dust ourselves off and start again. That's all we can do, all I have done for the last 11, 12 years.

So we try to sleep, and we try to prepare ourselves mentally, because thats all I can do, and all I've ever been able to do, just face the day when it comes, look after everyone and then burrow away to recover again and prepare for the next crisis.

But. If there's someone or something out there who can fix all of the shit in my life I would be very grateful to know exactly what it is, or what I can do. I'm tired of dealing with it all.

After a week of incredible poorness I got paid! Yay Me! Slightly less poor, I'm going to be super strict this month, with a budget of 70 quid a week, that should cover petrol, food, animals and anything else that may occur.
I have to pay 150 back to the Housing Benefit people - but! Boy owes me 97 pounds currently, so that would be a large chunk of that. Of course he needs to pay me for council tax as well this week. So that probably will go up even more....

Court is on Monday and its suddenly all real and scary. I'm 95% convinced it'll go our way, if it doesn't... Well it doesn't really bare thinking about. Mother will have to pay a minimum of 9k to the solicitor and barrister, and then I's costs as well and Nan's quality of life and money will drastically decrease as well.

I'm not going to think about that. I took Pup to the woods today and that was fun, she is starting puppy school on the 9th, is insured with us and we're underway getting the microchip in our details.

Riding is going well, slowly slowly getting there, really hoping that I'll be in a position (financially!) to do some shows over the summer.

They announced a new ISA to help you buy a home this week. We're going to try our best to make use of it, but I don't think it'd be enough for a deposit in London at all!!!

I got a dog! Whoooo!

She's a nice little working bred cocker spaniel. Woman we took her from was an idiot so lots of basics being installed and hopefully puppy classes being signed up for.
She came into season so been a bit blurgh cleaning up mess but hopefully that should be over come Tuesday/Wednesday.

Mother came home Boo. Had to confess about dog, she wasn't too impressed. Blamed it on Brat. We all know she won't say anything to him. She is going to court over Nan on 23rd. Sigh. All being well it should be dismissed out of hand and uncle I will have to pay all costs but there's still that risk.

I got told I shouldn't have been given housing benfit when I did and now have to repay 405 pounds, I got the letter yesterday, and deadline is tomorrow... I don't have that. Brat hasn't yet given me 109 for council tax. so I need that back. Gotta try and call them tomorrow to arrange installments.

I need him to pay me as am pretty poor. Hopefully I can arrange a payment plan with the benefits people and then I can start to save. I wouldn't have taken on the dog had I known this was lurking around the corner obviously.....

Hurrah! For some reason I'm getting paid a lot more money than I expected from the job this month so I don't need to panic about trying to live for 6 weeks on 300 quid. Its practically a full months pay which'll take me about 250 away from actually clearing my overdraft.

I'd like to be in a position by March where I've only spent half of that, but realistically 3/4's is more to be the case, cos of this stupid housing benefit mistake but even so March payment will take me out of my overdraft and there will be a few months of dipping in and out of it but hopefully by Summer I'll be clear again and able to pay off a lot of my credit card debit, I might even deliberately keep myself in my overdraft and pay off 2-300 pounds of it at a time simply cos the interest rate is so much higher than if I cleared my overdraft first.

Hurrah for options and being able to save a little again!!!!

I got made perm at work! Woo! Would have liked it to be in a few weeks time so I could have saved up a bit more to cope with the transition of weekly to monthly payments.
But having a real job is more important really and the security that entails. Money's not much better than when I left Greenwich but i'm hoping I can go for the promotion they're talking about funding dependent and make it better there.

I was super excited as I had cleared all my debts and just needed to start work on the overdraft when a letter came through that I had been mispaid 405 quid of housing benefit that I need to figure out how to pay back. Will be March 22nd when I get a full pay packet so. YUCK to that.

Welshy and I are planning a Baltic and Russian adventure in July and hopefully I'll have a bit of money by then. St Petersburg, Finland, Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania await (not necc in that order).

Spanish lessons continue apace and Mother goes on the 20th and hopefully dog arrives after then and Welshy on the 28th.

Keeping the minutes for the meeting wasn't as bad as feared. I just barely kept up and thats with her going slow.

At least I know that if it came up again I could give it ago, but I'd want to learn Shorthand before volunteering for anything else!

Took Mother to pub quiz last night, I raised subject of us having dog. She said it wasn't fair on me to emotionally blackmail her then launched on her tiresome and endless self pitying lectures and wailing over Brat.

URGH.

Nan had a good day today by all accounts, we are going to a meeting tomorrow about the possibility of her going back to the care home in the next few days. Physio needs to be arranged though and it needs to be one who can specially deal with dementia patients.

Had a lot of crazy vivid dreams last night. One waking me up convinced that I was having a conversation with Mother. Another about a swimming pool and someone shitting in it, they didn't have an arse and it came from their leg? Oh and by the way the pool was on a train.

Seriously something not quite right there.....

If anyone can interpret dreams I'd love to know!

Happy Birthday Welshy! He is in Austria. Probably getting shit-faced now. I'm at home watching Spurs and Sheff United in bed. I'm in bed, they're not btw.

Work is going ok, I have to take minutes at a disciplinary, nervous about that. I got Brat an interview at work and I'm taking interviews for the next couple of candidates. I know he will be called for a second interview and its very hard not to say anything, same as its hard not to say anything about this minute taking nonsense to my work colleagues.

I jumped my biggest ever jump at the weekend, so super excited about that and had a great lesson on Tuesday so really bubbling at the horsey side of life at the moment.

Mother is still here and Nan is still in the hospital, they think she has a skin cancer lesion and are trying to decide what to do. They reckon they'll be able to do it with a local anaesthetic. Knowing Nan as we do, that's not going to happen. You can't get it into her head that she can't do anything and a general anaesthetic will set her recovery back (She's had a little walk on a frame but today was a bad day so no walking).
No idea when she'll be able to go back to the care home so still no idea when Mum will go and therefore no idea when Dog could come. Really conscious that i'm taking the mick with it and I don't want to feel like i'm taking the piss with her as its not the intention at all. But hey ho. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. We just have to take each day as it comes.

And that's about all that's happening in my world really. Just taking each day as it comes, hopefully i'll hear at the next trustees meeting on the 10th more about my permanency but tbh the longer it drags out the better for me at the moment as I get paid weekly and it means I can claw myself slowly back from the edge of that overdraft limit where as I don't have enough at the moment to keep myself going until I'd get a months pay.

Went to see a lady in Colchester about adopting a 10 month old Cocker on Saturday gone. Went really well and we all drove home and went to the casino at the Hippodrome, had a really good Groupon deal, Surf n Turf, cocktail and 10 quid worth of gaming chips for 20 pounds.
Fun night, Welshy liked dog and we agreed to adopt her. Only Nan fell out of bed in the care home Sat night and broke her hip.
Its no ones fault, just one of those things, I guess she got up and had a blood rush. They do take very good care of her in there.
But of course it means Mother has flown home in a panic, is busy annoying everyone, and avoiding all my other Aunts and Uncles and will be here for... Who knows how long?
Ideally Nan would be in a state to be released from hospital tomorrow. Unfortunately because of her dementia and Osteoporosis she's not in a state to be released. She's only just starting to get out of bed, let alone go to physio and is refusing painkillers and not really eating.
Mother doesn't know that we want the dog, we were going to just bring it home and have it here as a fait accompli.
Its not fair on anyone or Dog to bring her home in this state where no one can look after her properly, Mum hopes to arrange a meeting with the carehome team Monday and find out where they stand on being able to look after her, they do have a specialised nursing wing but not sure if they can offer that kind of support....
It could well be a month or so, and God knows if she'll ever be mobile again!

URGH! Just when life was getting near some sembalance of normality.

I've finally paid everyone (bar Mum) back what I owe, so can now work on clearing stupid overdraft and credit card debts. Work did offer me a fulltime job and I accepted but I don't know how long it'll take for the paperwork to go through. To be honest, as I temp I get paid weekly and the longer it takes the more money I have to use as a backup before it then goes to a monthly wage, so am happy for it to carry on as it is, for as long as it takes.
Its an ok job. I do feel a little bored by it, but I can settle, I can clear my debts, I'm close to home and it pays ok, not moving out ok (certainly not moving out in London OK!)
But I think I'm pretty resigned now that I'm trapped here forever, so I just need to stop rebelling with it and make best of bad situation (hence ignoring everyone and getting Dog)

The Council Tax people have made a huge fuck up and demanding money off of us, ignoring the direct debit plan we set up so that could set the finance thing back hugely, but hopefully I can get it all sorted in the next few days.
Then all we have to do is wait for Nan to get better hopefully (and everyday is an improvement, just a lot slower than someone who doesn't have her conditions) and then Mother can go. I'm optimistic that she can go next weekend. But realistically it may be three maybe four weeks. I'll wait and see what Mondays meeting results before I can go back to Dog Lady and give a report as to whether or not we are capable of taking her or if she may need to carry on looking as I feel she's pretty keen to get dog gone ASAP.

Welshy is now away until 28th Feb, which has annoyed me a little as he promised last year that was the end of it, but what can you do?

Certainly I'm in a lot better position than I was this time last year (if we ignore the money!) Hey ho. Life will go on and this is a temp setback in the plan of this year being awesome and reaching the rest of my Bucket List goals.

Urgh. Football was awful yesterday. Manager got sacked today. I'm not enjoying football now E isn't coming and i'm mostly on my own during the games.

Today is Granddad's anniversary. I can't post too much about it, except to say that Mother is being investigated and going to court, I fail to see how they can find against her, stupid aunts and uncles. I can't talk about it any more than that.

My friend fell off her horse today, smashed a panel on the fence and had horse run over her hand as he went off.

Ouchie.

Stupid life.

So here we are again. Another sad day for remembering and I don't understand how its 9 years ago now.

Still we get on and endure and wonder what he'd think of it all now. Of us. How broken and dysfunctional it all is.

I still miss him and dream of him and wish he was here, but life goes on as it still does.

My job at the community centre is getting made permanent and to celebrate this, we're meeting a lady on the 17th with regards to possibly rehoming her dog.

We'll see how that goes though.

Time for the end of year round up!

Its been a bit of a shit one to be honest! Getting sacked not once, but twice was certainly not on the plans this time last year. 

6 Months of unemployment was also fairly shit, as was losing Granddad at the start of the year, the ensuing kerfuffle and drama from that probably didn't help my chances of staying at the job in Tower Bridge.

Its still all very dramatic there, while working in Bedford, I learnt that the Uncles and Aunts had put in a petition to the courts to have mother removed as power of attorney for Nan as they thought that she was stealing her money. :roll:

Anyway, the courts laughed at them and threw it out. Its gone to litigators and I don't really know much more than that cos of course Mother remains in Grotty.

My cousin L who has been done for drug use is squatting at their home, although in the last few weeks its been put up on Zoopla, but then of course they can't do that without Mother (on behalf of Nan)'s say so, so yeah.

I wonder if anyone's collected Granddad's ashes cos in all their money grabbing I bet they don't care about that.

Anyway, if I find anymore out about that, it'll be interesting to record.

What else? Oh yeah, there was the well documented problems between me and Welshy. He calls it a "blip" now, his drift into mental illness and then struggle to regain control of it all. It hurt me greatly, I'm trying to forget and move on but its not that easy, I seem to also have gone a bit soppy and affectionate towards him, perhaps an attempt to hide my wariness of getting hurt again?

I've had my own issues with mental illness perhaps in no small part down to lack of employment - I find having a job definitely defines me as a person, makes me feel worthwhile.

Things between me and The Brat are interesting, we have had huge arguments which normally result in me backing down as usual, he's currently making a bit of an effort so we'll roll with that as much as possible.

But then as always, there's been upsides to this. Yes I was unemployed for ages and put myself nearly 4k in debt (mainly due to paying 2k to Mother in Rent, another 1500 in driving lessons and the rest on horseyness), but I had a LOT of interviews, in fact looking back, I had an interview at least every week, if not every fortnight bar May, so that helped the time pass quickly, and gave me hope.

I spent the time wisely, I learnt to drive. I'm not a good driver at all, but somehow I got through the test and have been out on the road since June, with only a couple of minor incidents. There's still a sense of amazement that I can finally do this! And it does make life so much easier! This morning I took Welshy up to Gatwick at 4am so he can go to Russia for work.

I also got to watch all the World Cup - still in my mind one of the best I've seen! I had lots of time for riding and took V to a schooling session at a proper competition venue which was super exciting!

We went to Salzburg and back to Bumpkinville which was such epic fun, foam cannons, showers of wine, Queen tribute concert, a Bullrun (not so fun) and finding out lots of people remembered us and showed us kindness there.

Now I'm employed back in Greenwich at a Community Centre, I have hopes it will be made perm again, there has been talk of that so fingers crossed but I've learnt not to get too hopeful.

I made a list of things to achieve before I was 30. I'm now 31 and I like to think had I not had this enforced run of unemployment - has I stayed at Tower Bridge for example I'd have achieved more.

1. Learn a different language  Still struggling on with my Spic, hoping to do a GCSE equivelant exam dependent on funds.
2. Pass my Maths GCSE 
3. Learn to drive
4. Live abroad for a year
5. Get my own Horse (If I get made perm at Greeny this could become achievable this year, I'd have the money for it [dependent on fixing up my savings and clearing overdraft] so let's see what my review end of this year says!)
6. My own home. URGH. I'm on the council housing list. I dont think it'll happen. Welshy is finally making talks about us saving for a deposit but yeah with London prices the way they are its not gonna happen quickly, if at all.
7. Leave London again.  I tried. I failed. This will be a goal that I'll never achieve, I realise that now.
8. My own dog. Watch this space!.....

So we're getting there slowly - would have been nice to tick these things off before 30 but at least I've achieved a few of them and I have hopes of being able to move on from them as well.

So. Its time to say fuck off to 2014, It was mostly a pretty shitty year. And let's say hello to 2015, now 3 days old, and Dad's (and now Granddad's anniversary) soon to come, Mother plans on marrying TMWMinTW this year, If I get made perm we have ideas for decent holidays and yes - maybe even tick something else off on this list.

So happy Christmas (belated) and happy 2015 all.  

 

Merry fucking Christmas!

Well its not been too bad to be honest. Skyped Mother as she had a fit of the guilts. TMWMinW was there in a onsie (seriously?) Sprawled in the most elegant way across the sofa, so I had a good look at what was keeping mother going.......
Turns out I gave only half the presents to Nan, that she didn't know where mine was and when she did remember they turned out to be Welshy's. Ooops. Still I got some socks and festive tacky jumpers so yay me. (wow reading that back sounds sarky. Its not intended to be. I love my socks and been a bit sad that I haven't had a tacky Xmas jumper of my own this year.)


I tried to make trifle as Brat requested it but I fucked up the custard part. So both him and Mother mocked him. I got told that I ruined the one part he was looking forward too. Feel bad. Sure the topping can be put on anyway and we can work around it.

He was out at the pub, helping until 3pm, helped me cook the meat and has now at 6.30 gone to bed. It was nice to have the company for a bit and he was trying. So we'll roll with it and try not to feel too bad that I fucked up for him.

Mothers friend spoke to me briefly on Facebook, suggested I become domesticated during my break from work. Of course she only has the opinion from Mother that I'm lazy, don't bother cooking or cleaning, when I'm the only one that does it.

That's put me in a bit of a downer. Fuck them all. I'm waiting for a chocolate cake to defrost and then i'm going to eat it all. And tomorrow I'm going back to rejoin the gym and I have football and riding. And then on Saturday I'm going to the cinema alone to see The Hobbit. I might even eat out there. And then watch Worlds Strongest Man. And then on Sunday I'm riding again. Monday I'm at work and Tuesday Welshy is back for a couple of days before going to Russia.

Keeping busy is what this bullshit is all about.

My time at the community centre continues to trundle on. Am off now for Xmas until 5th, unfortunately I dont get paid when we don't work and the council suddenly gave us a summons to pay as close to 900 as we can for council tax before 16th of jan or we're off to court. Divided between three of us its not too bad, only I'm the only one who's paid anything so far and that was just 100! Hoping to pay another 100 this week and then hopefully another 100 after that....
Annoyed that we got no information about it, everyone thought the other had paid it and it wasn't a problem and then suddenly to be hit with this letter....

URGH.

Anyway, Brat is making an effort - kinda - he produced a joint of pork so we're having that on xmas day. I'm preparing a trifle as we speak and hopefully it will be somewhat civilised.

Mother has an attack of the guilts and wants to Skype on Xmas day and then Boxing day there's football and riding so that's gonna keep me busy.

Went to Olympia last week, loved it, especially the met police ride, when a guy fell off and then a brush fence caught fire and he ripped his breeches!

Work mentioned making me perm, then next sentence was that it was tricky and I might have to "leave to come back" didn't like the sound of that.

I have till March to worry about it though. Once I get this council tax out of the way then I can start saving and repairing the precarious financial situation I am in and the more I can save before then the better should it go tits up!

So lets have a bit of an update!
I got employed again! I am now back in Greenwich, working at a community centre there. Bit of everything really, HR, Admin, Reception work, Social media whore. Only temp until end of March but the fact that I can walk there and get a bus back in the evening saves me at least 30 odd quid a week commuting fee and I get free lunches. Admittedly I still buy one once or twice a week but still that's another bit of money saved on sandwich filler and a snack.
I have my fingers crossed that it may go perm at the end of this but we'll see. At the moment I need it to clear as much debt as possible as Brat has failed to pay any council tax and the first we knew about it was a letter from them saying we're going to court in Jan unless you can pay a lump sum before.
Urgh.
So that's where next weeks wages are going... The centre closes on the 23rd for xmas and reopens on the 5th so will be a week without money there.
Welshy has been working in London but is now back off in Austria for the week and then a week in Russia. I wish I had funds to go out there with him. He's going to spend a weekend in Moscow before flying back.

Mother and TWMWM came back and finally replaced the skirting board they ripped up in Jan last year and fixed the doorhandle of my car. I went to Nottingham and met The Lizard (Who is pregnant!) and H2 before me and the boys went to see Forest play Charlton.

I'm signing up for a Horse Confidence course in Jan, this is the year I really crack the mental barriers that prevent me from improving. Sports psychology, learning how to deal with rears and falls that kinda thing. Its silly but a buck doesn't bother me at all nor naughty behaviour on the ground but a spook or rear when riding really knocks me and sets me back confidence wise and I never had that much to begin with.

Christmas will be me and The Brat. He's brought a joint of meat, It will be as painless as possible I hope. I'm too poor to buy anyone presents this year - especially now I know about this council tax thingy, where as I was hoping to get a few little bits and pieces before...
I still do Spanish via Skype, hopefully am improving slightly there. Would be nice to have enough to sit an exam in New Year but of course dependent on funds....

Ah well. Just keep rolling along and see what life brings.

Turns out I was going to be one of those awful people who go to peoples houses and try to convince them to sign up to a charity for a year or so.
I walked off. I got rejected from a museum job cos I wasn't right, they had a higher calibre of candidate. All it was, was going around doing talks. I did that for 5 years if you count the year at the aquarium as well.
Once again the possibilities of life seem very small and I'm wondering if the better thing is to draw an end to this mockery and sham of a life.
Welshy is going to Russia in Jan for 3 weeks.

I really don't understand how these things happen to me.
Amidst my spamming of Reed with my CV and covering letter I got a call from a lady who was from a marketing team.
I was puzzled as I didn't remember applying for anything with marketing, but I did find on there that I had applied for a job doing admin for a advertising company - Sports and Media, so guessed it was that.
Anyway, chatted on the phone, arranged to have an interview today - which I got lost trying to find.
I tried to research them on the interweb but their website is poor and vague at best, I'd already asked the lady who confirmed the interview to send me over a fuller job description which was also vague so I decided it must be the adminny thing.
So I got there and was presented with a form, past experiences, education blah blah blah.
"Why do you want this career?"
Well as far as I knew I was there to chase references and update paperwork, very office entry level stuff, so I wasn't sure what to put, made up some nonsense.
Got into the interview and found out its for Sales.
I've always steered well away from Sales, I don't think I have the personality for it. I'm not pushy enough. Too laid back.
"Says on the form you'd like the career to help you achieve personal goals. Like what?"
"I want a horse and a house. Not necessarily in that order."
I also managed to tell them I wasn't interested in career development or anything like that. It was clear to me I had no idea what was going on, it was a waste of their time and mine so I was honest.
"Yeah I'm not interested in that. I want high wages as a priority."
So I'm going back on Friday for a second interview. Apparently I charmed them with my personality(!) and the fact that I (modestly) gave myself 10 out of 10 for customer service skills....

I have NO IDEA what this is all about......

This week hasn't been too bad, I've scored two weeks temping which means I don't need to sign on "yet" well, at least until next Saturday!
It turned out to be 22 hours rather than the fulltime I was hoping for, but I just need 9 hours next week to be better off than JSA and it'll cover the bus fare for that week as well!
Hopefully some interviews will appear this coming week or week after. I had one Monday and I thought it had gone well, he kept correcting himself through out. "Not if I invite you back, when..... When you come back we'll go see this.... We'll talk about it next Monday when I show you how this works"
But I haven't heard back, dropped him a casual email today asking how he was and for feedback from my interview, hoping that its just an oversight or that he'll get back and say he's not got round to scheduling 2nd stage interviews.
Mother is home for a few days next week, hoping she'll buy lightbulbs, all the ones downstairs in the living room have popped and obviously I'm the only one who buys household shit and its a choice of me getting food or lightbulbs....
Christ when did life get so shit?!!

Interview Wednesday - Real one!
Felt it had gone ok, but haven't heard owt back so guess it didnt. Is it paranoid to think that my work history is the problem?
Drove to Wales and back over the weekend. So proud of myself and still in a state of shock that I can do this!
This afternoon me and Welshy are going to a museum exhibition and then for a meal out.
I was feeling perky about it all until I came home and had to tidy up after my brother.
Will I ever escape it all?

Turns out the interviews were lies from a recruitment agency to get me on their books.
Wankers. Shouldn't be allowed to give up false hope.
Anyway, enough feeling sorry for myself. time for action!
Really throwing myself back into this job hunting lark. Applied for over 20 at the weekend. Its all about the numbers game. Throw enough mud and something will stick etc...
Watching HOYS and applying away....

Lets sum up the last few months.
As we know I was offered a job near Cambridge/Bedfordshire. I jumped at the opportunity. It seemed like a great career move, I'd be running a brand new compliance department in a brand new company.
It was out of London, a new start for Welshy and me. We'd be able to afford to rent somewhere. I could afford to get a horse. It paid well and just seemed perfect.
So I went, I was staying with E and her partner in Hertfordshire during the week and travelled back and forth.
I quickly grew aware this wasn't compliance as I knew it. Compliance as I know it involves taking an active part in the candidates paperwork, its applying for fit to works, DBS documents, chasing documents, chasing references. Always busy, always on the phone, always emailing.
This was different, the consultants chased documents and they had no idea really what was needed and what wasn't needed. I asked the girl there already and was rebuffed when I tried to apply for references.
"We need to wait until we're told to apply for them."
I spent endless hours transferring documents to jpeg, editing the necessary, adding them to letterhead, transferring them back to pdf, then adding to a file or dismissing the often irrelevant, which should have been perhaps only 5% of my job, not all. I get bored doing repetitive stuff like that. I made errors because I got sloppy. It was boring, either no documents or hundreds. I admitted to D that I got lazy when it was like this.
I tried to make changes, the girl D rebuffed me, or worse stole my ideas and passed them off as her own. I allowed this for some of the smaller ideas, I figured. It doesn't matter as long as changes happen in the right direction. She admitted to me that she had no self-confidence, self esteem, that her job was under threat. Being the stupid, soft person I am, I allowed her to take a few of my ideas. Only the silly ones that didnt' matter. Like presenting a monthly breakdown of what the department had done. The fact that it was ridiculous that we didn't have them completing FTW documents when we already had their medical histories.
I brooded and waited. I figured give it time Charbs, learn the ways of the company and then slowly change it from the inside. I demanded meetings with the managers. It took a month for that to happen, I presented my ideas, I was told I was full of good ideas.
Nothing happened from this meeting. I waited... One week... Two weeks. A new guy started we'll call him Triple H. Lovely guy, the type I really get on with.
His training was erratic at best. I was sitting away from him and tried to help as much as I could but D wasn't the type of girl who could let that go. I realised she was threatened by me, and needed to control everything in the department. So again I took a back seat and then fixed it when it went a bit tits up.
She still wasn't allowing me to do anything, she was the only one allowed to make combined files to send to clients. She was the only one allowed to apply for the FTW requests when they came in, to apply for DBS, To apply for references. I festered and tried to influence where I could, but and I'll admit I was still being silly and sloppy with documents.
She wrote a long impassioned email to the managers, saying that I was lazy, that she wasn't enjoying coming to work anymore.
We had a long awkward meeting and I resolved that it was time for change. Fuck them telling me what I could and couldn't do. So I got a small list of candidates and started chasing them myself. I created an application form for them. I created an interview form for them, I put together documents relating to losing your GMC certificate, appraisal information, Hep B low responder information.
I not only chased my own candidates but I got the reference list split in three, taking the larger amount, often chasing Triple H's as he also was doubling as IT Support. I emailed them to the bosses and thanked for my work. I just went and applied for the FTW's on my own.
Numbers doubled, massively, in some cases tripled. I moved some candidates from less than 20% compliant to 60 - 70% compliant
I tried to encourage D to chase them on the phone as well, but she complained I was nagging her so I gave in.
It became a competition between us, who could do more. A horrid atmosphere.
Still I battled on, I wanted to make this work. I loved driving past the fields, we were house-hunting,
 Two weeks after the awkward meeting, another girl from another department came in to manage us.
I went to her upset that evening. As far as I was aware I was supposed to be the manager and yes I realise I had created a rod for my own back in the way I had dealt with D, I told her, a little sadly how awkward it was, how she was using my ideas, how I had plenty I wanted to share with them all. How I had been misquoted and labelled lazy. That I knew I was earning 5-6k more than her and Triple H and I wanted to be felt that I was earning this.
Nothing changed.
She tried to take some of the power away from D. I realised I wasn't the manager. Just another compliance body. Fretting that I'd be in a bad situation, that they'd either reduce my wages to the same as the others or let me go, I tried to keep bridges open, but as the same time hoped for the best, buried my head in the sand. Helping Triple H where I could, focussing on my own work.
Two weeks after the meeting with this girl, and this Monday after work I was called into her office.
They were letting me go....
Citing my "laziness", that I was creating a bad atmosphere in the office.
Triple H consoled me, cuddled me. I drove home, concentrating hard and then came home and cried.
Now here I am.... back to the relentless world of applying for jobs...
Back to keeping the house tidy (lets ignore the mice and maggots that greeted me on the weekends and the two hours of tidying I did each weekend)...
I feel more trapped than I ever did before. I'm struggling to hold it all together. That was my chance to leave London, to create a new life for me and Welshy.
How can we afford to live in London away from this house and in a reasonable level of comfort/quality?
Am I ever going to afford that horse?
Am I really as disruptive/lazy and awful as they implied?
I already have two interviews lined up but I take no hope in them... It will make no difference.... I take them.... 22k is still not enough for us to get a house or a horse..... I am 31, embarking on my 4th period of unemployment.... 2nd in one year. I have an erratic work history...... I have done random shit that never worked out... Spain.... Bedfordshire...... Financially I am not any better off than I was in August because driving 500 miles a week is rather expensive and not only did I have to pay rent to Mother despite not living there, I also had to give some to E.

I have nothing..... The thought of going to sleep and not waking is more and more appealing......

I need to get the habit of doing this again.
I've been busy-ish at work, we do 9-6.30 but I still feel as if we're only doing half of the job, change is happening slowly, the compliance is still reactionary, rather than leading the way like it should be.
I bite my tongue and try to influence it subtly.
I like the people I work with, I have a new guy start who is great fun and D who is a bit by-the-book. Welshy came and stayed with me at E's all week and we did a little house-hunting.
Mother is coming back on Tuesday, hoping to release funds from Dad's pension, we've been offered some for a deposit. I won't hold my breath on that happening and will continue to trawl the adverts for renting places that take pets.
Just when I thought funds were getting back on track, today I had an argument with a fencepost at the yard, the fence post won and now I have a large dent in my passenger door and no door handle.
Thank FUCK for T-cut, that shit is magical and the scrape is gone!
God knows how much that'll cost to get fixed though and will have to look into getting it done while i'm at work. Hopefully I can get someone to collect and return it to work tomorrow/Tuesday.
I got my last lot of Housing benefit, it's been a nightmare to cancel it as I can only do it during my lunch break and have been unable to get through/or got cut off after 20 minutes holding.
But at least I can use that to pay for the repair damage and not do it on the insurance. Can't be too expensive to re-attach surely and then hammer out the damage? If its less than 340 then the housing benefit will cover it! Hurrah!
Anyhoo- I'm doing Skype Spanish classes ATM, swapping 30 minutes (or a lot less) of Spic for English.
I'm definitely learning new words, progress is slow but coming along.

Wee update for you all.

Start job two weeks ago, its been fine so far, a lot quieter than I'm used too, feel like i'm only doing half my job. Gonna chat with them Monday about changes I want to implement because frankly. I'm quite scared about what they can get away with being off framework and I might be a lazy cow but I like to feel like I'm earning my money.
Resenting staying there till 6.30. I guess in scheme of things its no different to the 8.30-6pm I did at Tower Bridge. Also discovered last week am expected to work a 6 day week.
Fuck That.
Seriously Fuck That.
I'm quite happy to have everything pro-rata-ed if neccessary to only do 5 days a week.
Been staying with E and her partner during week. Its ok, feel a bit in the way but I guess that'd happen whereever I statyed.
Boy has not fed any of the animals at all while I've been away. FFS I said he could do them every other day. You can get away with that during the Summer when they eat less and the water doesnt freeze overnight.
Its a 5 minute job really.
Found a possible house to move into, at top end of our budget but might let me take birds up there. Will book some time off first week of September when Welshy is home and we can make appointments and stuff.
Riding is down to Fridays and Sundays now. Two Pretty good sessions.
Crashed car today (all is fine) was attempting to pull out to turn right on busy road, edged when safe halfway across lefthand lane, was looking at right hand side judging when I could move on, quick glance left, saw white car slowing to stop. Edged forward to the safe box in the middle of the road between two Islands to see if I could move on.
SCRAPE! Goes the car, some cunt had decided that he couldn't wait for me and had tried to drive around me and was in my safe spot.
No damage to his car I think, mine is missing some paintwork on the bonnet but thats all. Was very shocked, drove terribly all the way home, will have to see if I can patch that up before Mother comes home

Mother is her usual wonderful self. Telling me that they now have a combined income of e2K out there, which is fucking loads for Spain.
Moaning how she has no money herself but yet she is diving all the time, going to the bars with him while he works most nights, they have a cleaner ffs.
I get home about 10.30 on Fridays and then spend most of my Saturdays running around doing all the errands she sends me messages for Saturday, and then trying to tidy the house a bit after the boy hasn't bothered all week.

She comes home 2nd week of September to talk about what will happen to the house, vague talks of selling it, giving us some money each for a deposit, vague talks of seeing if she can access all of Dad's pension at once and giving us some of it for a deposit, using the rest to do up the house and then look for someone to rent it.
Would be nice if that could happen! Won't hold my breath!!

I got offered the job hurrah! I start on Friday!

Went to Spain last week, spent some time in Bilbao and San Sebastian before heading back to Bumpkinville for the main event, their yearly fiesta.
Was crazy, wine and fanta showers, dancing in garages, foam cannons, giants, fireworks, eating meals with ridiculously rich people in garages, eating beans, a bulb of garlic and drinking champagne, marching bands and a tribute Queen concert sung in Spanish that was really good.
We left for a 17 hr trip home on 3 hours sleep then I woke up early the next day and took P and her mum and L to E's and we went to the Butterfly Project which I was too tired to enjoy really. Yesterday car was MOT-ed. Two new tires needed :-( only 300 left in my account... time to work on extending the overdraft as that won't last until payday, not that I know when payday is!!
Had a decent sleep today so I feel normal at last and I joined a website for language exchanges so I can practise Spic a bit more via Skype. So far I've had 38 replies since 9pm last night!!!!

Drove to Bedford and back on my own for a rather random second interview. I do love the location, pretty lakeside. I sat by it for half hour before going in and I could feel it soothing my mind.
E has offered a temporary bed should I need it, she is only 30 mins away apparently near Watford now, so I can give it a month to see how its getting on and that should clear a large chunk of my overdraft so we'll go from there.
Told them I'd only do it for 20-21k which looks like being plenty and also voiced my concerns over working ridiculous hours. I understand that in compliance you do need to perhaps stay till 5.30/6.00pm but till 7 is stupid and stops any work/life balance, especially with a potential long old commute at the end of my day!
Welshy is back on Monday, he elected to stay in Germany for the WC final, bit sad about that but I'd do the same in his situation!
I got housing benefit! Hurrah! Such a sponger, still waiting and hoping that they'll send me backdated stuff cos that'll clear mr overdraft too!
Things are looking up!

Just watched Germany beat Brazil 7-1. I already believe this to be the best World Cup I've ever seen but this score line is just beyond anything I've ever seen in any game of football ever.

Came back in from the interview. Joke company, knew that already. long hours as in Tower Bridge, 4.5k less money. Career wise I'm better off going to Bedford.
Ended up having an argument with Mother about me driving there and back every day. Be a 4 hour commute in total.
She basically put a guilt trip on me saying how if I go then she will have to sell the house and what about Brat? How she can't afford to live.
Telling me that I take her for granted. That I blow hot and cold with her.
I dont know what to do. Moving away from everything is a huge step but its the step I've craved for 10 years since returning home. I'm scared that if I go and get sacked I'll be trapped.
The interview with the careers person scared me and I think she's right as the latest agency basically said the same thing. Second interview to discuss my dodgey work history.
I'm scared of being trapped until I retire in a job I hate. Scared I'll go there and hate it. Scared I'll give in and stay here and remain completely miserable and bullied by them both.
Could someone please give me an answer or tell me what to do for best?!

I shit you not. This just happened.
Mum gets up. Gets keys. Puts shoes on.
"OK I'm off out now."
Me: "oh ok. Bye."
Mum: "what should I take with me?"
Me: "I dunno.  Where are yoj going?"
Mum: "to the tax office. I want to get a rebate like brat."
Me. "Oh I dunno.  Like p60's and stuff. "
Mum: "oh."
Sits back down. Makes disappointed noise.
"How do I find out?"
Me: everything is on Google mum."

Bit of a CV revamp today, pretended I was in Spain longer than I was, removed one of the temping jobs I did and pushed up the other.
Let's see if that helps.
Interview confirmed for Wednesday over in Bedford to do medical compliance. Not a company I've ever heard of, not on any frameworks. At least its supposed to be quite pretty in that area so considering it more of a day out than an interview.

Around lunchtime I emailed that company from that debacle on Thursday, having no response I called the lady, apparently their email have been down and she's not had a chance to speak to the manager regarding getting my money back.
Whatever. I will call again tomorrow about the same time and see what happens then. I NEED that money back!

I went to an interview techniques doodah at the job centre today, to work out why I have such bad luck.

Apparently my life is against me! Cos of Dad and Mum and the Grandparents, people look at my CV and without knowing the background story dismiss me as a joke. Even having done all the courses outside the museum and the secondments make me seem that I have no aim and direction.... Which I probably don't....

I then go to interviews as a bit of a "joke" candidate, much like you'd go to the zoo to see a new baby rhino or whatever.
Bit sad to hear that from people but time for action! She gave me some ideas for things to try, will liase with the job centre so I can get discounted courses and I guess.... rebuild my CV...

I got a call from an agency yesterday, having found my details on Reed. Told me about a position they know of that is having a recruitment day. I had to prepare a 5 min presentation, and be there for 8.30 for a full day.
Kingston is quite a way from me, it cost me 16 pounds to get there and I had to leave at 6.40 to get there in time. Another gentleman came from Enfield and left at 5.40 to get there, after having begged a day off of work, short notice.
So yeah. Neither of us appreciated being told that someone or another was sick and we had to go home but they were prepared to interview 4 other people (who I happened to notice were fresh out of uni and local).
Apparently they'll re-arrange for us to do it over Skype and refund costs but as of yet no one has been in touch with me. 
A - Why send the people who travelled the furthest home? 
B - Why only interview a few people?
C - Why text me at 7am to remind me to bring my passport if they knew this was happening?
D - How can I do a presentation with handouts (as requested repeatedly) over Skype?
Anyway phoned them up and demanded that I get my money back..... watch this space....

Went out with Flashy as well tonight, great fun! Ended up meeting these two lads, who tried it on a bit but were a great laugh at the end.
Always good to be chatted up with the line "So would you kill a baby?"

So she went out earlier to see "someone". I suspect will nonsense. She told me she had a meeting at Nan's care home at 2. I said no worries I'd wait for her to come back before I went to the yard. So say the meeting went on for an hour and she spent some time with Nan (which technically I can't argue against [or I could as she knows I'm waiting and can spend all Wednesday and Thursday there]), its a 10 minute drive away. So where is she at 4.20? Or at least why not have the decency to text me and say I'm going here next.
It'll take me close to two hours to get there now via bus and I'm loathe to leave in fear she'll appear and I'll have wasted a two hour trip and 5 pound on the bus when I could tootle there in 20 minutes and it not cost me anything?
URGH. I am never gonna learn am I? I am the Reek to her Ramsey Bolton.

So far car sharing includes me getting a bus whenever I need to go out in  a three hour radius of her also going out.

I went with her to the solicitors. Basically woman got bitchslapped. Told to stop shirking her duties and delegating everything and step up to the plate. All of this drama could have been stopped with one phone call in February. Found it quite hard to keep the smirk off of my face and hide the annoyance that I've been dicking about as always trying to sort out her messes when she literally just needed to call social services and put them on the case and they would have dealt with it all.

Also. I got hit with the bombshell that he's asked her to marry him. Apparently she told him it was up to the children what she did. Boy will not be down with that. I am not keen either. She's known him a year FFS. I said this. She pointed out that she knew Dad a year. She was 18 then, had nothing. Now she's 50. Old enough to know better and owns a house.

 He has nothing. If she marries him he would be entitled to half of it. I don't even know if it was serious and she said yes or not. I may be worrying unnecessarily about that but the fact that it's been brought up means that it will again, and she may not give him the same answer again.

She also mentioned yesterday changing her will. I didnt think too much of it, I've seen her will. Its dated 1996, so long before Dad ever got sick. Before we owned our house. But Now the thought is: Would she have the sense to make sure the house only went to me and Boy? Would she leave it to him?
Have I been watching too many TV dramas to be fearing the worst????

She came back yesterday. Wasn't expecting her until tomorrow. Course the living room was a mess cos Boy lives down there now and I spend all my time in my room (which come to think of it, would have been good training for the medical trial had I got it). So yeah, told off for not tidying that. Told off for tidying snotty tissues and 4 year old Sainsburys reciepts out of the car in case I'd thrown something important(!)
And today I was asked why I had bothered to tidy the back garden when no one can see that, I should have either left it or done that and the front garden.
Which to be fair is not the expected criticism. Gone out in what I already think of as *my car* to see her friend and have dinner with her.
I expect at some point she might ask me how I am but until then I'm busy sorting out all the printing that needs doing for the solicitors. (reason she's back is that Granddad's will/estate has still not been settled and as mentioned someone is challenging her for power over Nan's finances.)

Today I learnt I have two birth certificates.  One for when I was born and one for three years later.
My original one confirms that mother wasn't married to Dad when I was born, no big secret I'm in all the wedding photos.

The second is dated when I was 3 and a bit years old and confirms that mum is now married to Dad.
Which is fine you know. Except it was done a year after my brother was born and 2 years 9 months after their wedding.

Well just call me Meg 'afterthought' Griffin from here on in...

"DEAR MEG. FOR THE FIRST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIFE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HOUSECAT."

Its good to know I'm the only idiot who pays Mother rent in this house, that she's too dumb to realise no one else is paying her and that the others laugh at me for paying up blindly and for even considering giving her all the housing benefit should I qualify for it...

I got summoned on Friday to an agency office on Monday, to be put forward for a role within the NHS, I really wanted it, it sounded exciting, it paid well, I had visions of being able to move out, to solve all money crisises and problems forever. I thought it was fate, that it was part of Perfect Friday, having passed my test.
Of course I didn't get it.
Went for another interview today and I'm not sure I performed as best I could for it. It was at Welshy's old halls of residence and made me rather nostalgic for those years way back when I was working in The Health Food Shop That Shall Not Be Named and a lot more carefree despite everything than I am now. Back in the day when I thought I'd be able to use my degree, and escape the Mother.
Foolish child that I was.

The driving is coming along. I *may* have accidentally forgotten to turn off my right indicator and cruised happily along the A2 for about 10 minutes before realising and I'm stalling occasionally and bunny hopping a bit, but the car is a lot more powerful, larger and longer than what I learnt in so it'll take time and every trip fills me with a little more confidence. I had a pass plus lesson and drove to Gatwick Airport which filled me with terror but yet confidence in my abilities, so yay me!

If I do not get a job by the end of this month I will give up the horse, I decided last night. I meant to do it in May but I had a few interviews and postponed it hoping. I cannot afford this expense any more. It will break my heart but there will be other horses that need riders once I am employed again.
Of course knowing my luck the week after giving her up, I'll get another job and it'll be too late!

I just passed my driving test!!!!!!

Oh dear. Mother is being challenged by someone or another for power of attorney for Nan. Obviously this is a family member keen to siphon off some of it for themselves. That is if they haven't already stripped their house bare.
Just when things down there appeared to be settled....

Oh dear. Once again naivety regarding Mother has been my downfall. I had been hoping that the housing benefit would be mine to keep - apart from usual rent that goes to her. This would mean that I can live and pretty much break even each week.
BBBBUUUUUUZZZZ!
FAIL!
After lecturing me for ages about how wonderful her life is, how she only dives 3 or 4 times a week, only eats out once or twice a week, how they have a cleaner and how she only works now 4 hours a week, I then got told how she wants all of it otherwise she will be eating into her savings.
Well hang on. I'm about 1400 into my credit card and at least 800 into my overdraft (too scared to look any more). She has 3k in savings and TBH perhaps she should have thought about this.
Or maybe I'm the one being stupid and childish? I mean if it was a normal landlord I'd not know anything about their lifestyle so it'd be one of those things. And it is kinda benefit fraud otherwise.
Welshy rightly pointed out that he doubts very much if Boy will give it to her seeing as I'm the only one out of the two of us who does pay rent at the moment! And he gets to do " I told you so." as he was unwilling to sign the contract anyway necessary for this. And now I'm fretting that she'll want all of that still if I do go get a real job.

Had an interview on Friday, hoped to hear back from them before today. Haven't. Agency called me up to see if i'd be interested in a HR/Admin role. I said yes, but I learnt in the conversation that they've merged with another charity that I interviewed with earlier this year.
So yeah, it'd be the same role so not convinced I'll get a call back or interview! Hey ho. Just gotta keep on plugging away!

It had been a really nice week with him, he was settled, funny, caring and almost like old times. Then last night before he flew away I ruined it by being tactless and acting without thinking as I usually do. Then I realised I'd said the most stupid thing and also that apologising wouldn't fix it. And then of course by the time I did apologise, he felt it was too late and I didn't really mean it. URGH.
Back in a months time and now back to stressing over him and his mental health and indirectly us again.

Drivings going ok, fingers crossed for upcoming test!

Mother and TMWMinW are back on Monday - He has an interview to busk on the South Bank for 6 weeks. So plans on giving up key holiday season time and gigging most nights in bars and what have you for 6 weeks busking. Of course me questioning this leads to accusations of not being supporting enough!

Had a job interview yesterday, think it went well, lost a bit of interest when they mentioned the long hours. Applied for housing benefit so just waiting to see if that goes through....

Still. At least if I pass the driving thats 155 pounds saved and then if I don't get the benefit I'd have to think seriously about giving up the horse. I said I would unless things improved in May.
There are 4 jobs that I'd really like (any of them) with deadlines in first two weeks of June so perhaps if the benefit comes through then I can hang on and wait for them?

Got rejected for the medical trial after being sent for a second stage screening which is a shame. 3k would have come in handy!!!

Onwards and upwards! I do feel positive though despite my dire financial situation and crashing and burning relationship!

I've depressed myself this week by realising how much in debt I am. Fingers crossed I pass this driving test soon so at least thats one less debt to worry about! Welshy comes home tomorrow and we'll see how things go...... Stupid mental illness.
Been gardening this week mostly inbetween applying for jobs. Quietly pleased at the job i've done so far. Its  shame that I can predict what Mother will say when she sees it
It'll be A. "Oooh now you'll need to keep it like that." (Well duh) or B. "Well you could have done the front as well."
I plan on starting on the front at some point, I just dislike people watching and judging. Also I can't afford flowers and shit to put in there to make it pretty. And lets not pretend. I enjoy the slicing with strimmers and secateurs more than actual gardening. Its a good thing to take my rage out on!

Had a bit of a jumping fail today but at least ended on a good note. Boy wants to bring home an elderly staffy. Not sure thats a smart move as much as I feel sorry for it. So hot today!

Another crazy outburst from Welshy.  I am so worried about him but he refuses to seek help. So what can I do but try to listen and understand? God it hurts though.
Went dumper truck racing with P, E and triple l. I won yay! Was harder than it looked! They skidded everywhere and I nearly went over backwards!

I found a novel I wrote at work and am amusing myself by typing it up. The middle is missing so I will have to work on that.

Brought a fab toy today and am enjoying it far too much!

Luckily found Geronimo yesterday after an epic 24 hours of freedom and my 3 hours of gardening. I should really keep this up as it looks alright the bit I cleared!
Went out to the second part of my medical trial testing. Had lots of random tests done including an ECG and a wee test!
Now just waiting to see what happens after that!
I had a mock driving test today. Drove abysmally. Although it wasn't as bad as I feared, it would have been a fail. Urgh. Had had a good couple of lessons prior to this so lets hope it was just a fluke!
Two lessons next week and then gonna do another hardcore week so we'll see!

Argh! Geronimo Tortoise is missing! Really worried, somehow he's got out of his pen. I last saw him about three ish and it was 6 when I realised he'd got out.
I hope he's somewhere safe to sleep tonight and I can get him tomorrow.

God I hate, hate that woman! Boy accidentally or didnt know that stuff in the back room was to be shipped out. Its a bike, a clothes airer and some other little bits and pieces. So she wanted me to run about tomorrow like an idiot taking it all up to heathrow on the tube. When I refused she got on the phone to her friend W guilted him into driving her car without tax and insurance to do it. So tomorrow I have to give him the car keys just so that selfish bitch who was too lazy to organise all this her end when she knew she was coming back at least 3 weeks ago can get a bike and an airer sent to her in Spain.
I also however have spent today Googling how to get housing benefit. She claimed it was too hard to organise and never bothered during her week of drinking and hanging out with friends here.
So thats what I plan on doing Wednesday.

Lets bring it all up to speed. - I didn't get the kennel club job, they said it would be mundane and beneath me. Really disappointed about that. No other interviews on horizon and I'm starting to get worried about funds and whathaveyou.
Booked Driving test. No one knows when it is and I plan to keep it that way.
Got approved to go on council housing list. Boom! Of course I can't do that until I get a job and the list is so long I might even end up being able to afford to buy (insert sarky laugh).
Mother was home, she castigated my lack of cleaning up after the Boy - who is also not working and has moved down into the living room to sleep and live. She spent more time going out with her friends and telling me in one breath how poor she was and needed me to carry on giving her rent (am only one out of the three of us who has!!) and in the other breath how she is diving three or four times a week and goes out most nights to "support" him and the band.
Welshy - Oh God I don't know what's going on there. When he came home he was full of the pits of despair about how he's a hindrance to my life and stopping me doing things cos he doesn't support my dream of escape from London.  We just had a really nice week together, and we both agreed how easy it was to forget the problems of the last two weeks.
He told me he loved me yesterday. Urgh. Not reading into it at all. He is now away again for 2 weeks. Just playing it all by ear which makes me seem like a victim I guess but I'm prepared for either eventuality so am just rolling with it all.
The medical trial people got back in touch out of the blue. I qualify for a different experiment so am going Thursday for a health MOT (ECG's the works!) and then we'll see! I could get locked up for 11 days but get 3k for my troubles. Which would be very very handy.

And that is just about it really. Riding tomorrow and then the week starts again with a trip to sign on.

Had an interview with the Kennel Club yesterday. Was hoping to hear back today regarding a second interview (even took a handbag with me!) haven't heard.
Had a reasonable driving lesson and then went to see the horse, felt sudden attack of the blues so didn't ride when I should have as it always perks me up but weather was grey and I hate riding in the rain. Of course it didn't and still hasn't rained so should have done it.
Will go to the gym later though, get some endorphins into me and that'll help.
He comes home on Sunday as does Mother and I'm not excited about either.

Oh yeah - Let me share this story with you from yesterday! I went for an interview arranged at the place where Lady who owns Horse works. Apparently I was tied top candidate along with another person - Reason they chose other person?? I showed up without a handbag......
WTF? I had keys, bus pass, phone. It all fitted in my pocket. You may be unsurprised to learn that I don't even own a handbag......

In the midst of all the misery I've been posting recently I've just had the best day out I've had for ages!
We hired an arena and showjumps and took the horse out to play. She was so excited! Took two of us to hold her still to tack up and I'm sure she was hyperventilating with it all!
I let her owner ride her first as I was a bit nervous of how excited she was, then it was my go! Once again steering let me down as did confusion over left and rights. We practised perhaps 7 or 8 jumps individually and then strung them together to make a nice course. Where I got lost! Hey Ho!
Got some ok photos too!
When I start working I plan on taking up more jumping lessons and I have my fingers crossed that perhaps her owner will let me take her to some low level jumping contests.
Then home and straight out to football where we put an end to a miserable season by winning 3-1! Luckily staving off relegation!
Also! The temping lady got in touch about possibly setting me up with an interview with the Kennel Club! And I have an interview in Sutton Coldfield Tuesday! Haven't really looked into it too much yet. If I go without Welshy, the wage might be a teeny bit too low.
Will look into it properly tomorrow although to be honest, far more excited about working for the Kennel Club!

Urggh. So poor! Reluctantly transferred all my savings from Tower Bridge job into my account to cover my overdraft. Now out by 15 pounds! Yikes. I was 600 quid into it. Bad times. 1k into my credit card due to season ticket and driving lessons.
I get 123 pounds from the JSA people later this week, that'll cover pony this week anyway and bus pass. but then two long long weeks before I get paid again. I must get another job soon????

So I am now officially confused. I spoke to him yesterday - I got a letter confirming our entrance to the council housing list we just need to provide evidence. I didn't obviously know if I should go to them and say, actually its now a single application.
He still doesn't know. We spoke and laughed and it was like normal and the air I got was that things will go back to normal. But I don't want to think that in case I am wrong and in any case I don't know if I want him back if he does. I can't take any more hurt.
URGH.
Anyway. Plus news! I drove on the A2 all the way to Gravesend! That's twenty miles! And back again! I over took shitty terrifying big lorries and stuff. And I navigated my way back singlehandedly using road signs and he thinks I should be test ready come end of May/Start of June.
So that's something at least! Yay Charbs!

So. Maybe watching Frozen wasn't the best move. I'm doing ok. I will be ok. Whatever happens I can be ok again. Play at being Pollyanna and keep on waiting. Three days down. 10 days to go. Then I can move on. Interview went ok, will find out soon. Driving went ok. This week of hardcore lessons is good. I WILL BE OK. I am not pathetic. I am strong. I have always been strong.

No more tears. I will not shed any more for him. I have booked driving lessons for every day this week and I will be riding as usual (fab lesson today working on my errant lower leg position!) and preparing for an interview tomorrow and looking forward to my showjumping schooling adventure at Felbridge next week.
I am satisfying myself with thoughts of breaking his face should he tell me it was a mistake and if he doesn't.... Well the worst is over now, its just a matter of telling people. (giving mother the pleasure of saying "I told you so."
I'm gonna book myself the holiday I wanted last year as soon as I get a job and fuck being scared to fly alone. I'll just get hammered on the flight. Then start to save again.
Starting to replace some old clothes that are older than this blog! Holey socks, tatty undies. I deleted What's-App (he was the only person I spoke to on it anyway) and deleted all text history from him to prevent me from being tempted to contact him. Space is what he needs and Space is what he will get from me.
When he comes back it will hurt no doubt all over again but I'm not pathetic. I can't believe I allowed myself to get in that state last week where I didn't eat for 5 days. Where I cried often and randomly. Yes I'm devastated but I have re-grouped now and this bit of breathing space is good for me. Hopefully it will be good for him too and help him to make the right decision. What ever that is.

Saturday night and I couldn't bear the distance between us any more, in private we're stupidly tactile, where as in public we're not. We both cried again and then ended up having sex, cuddling, kissing and talking for ages and again the next morning when I woke. I'm not stupid and I'm not reading into anything when he told me how nice it all was.
Goodbye Sex I guess. We did it again last night and spent a long time snuggled up reminiscing about various adventures and mishaps we've had over the last 7 and a bit years. Reassuring each other that they'll be ok.
He says he's torn 50/50 but he's hurt me so badly I don't know if I could forgive him if he changes his mind again. Whether or not it would always be at the back of my mind that this could happen again and I need to protect myself.
Tired of people constantly letting me down.
So. Now what? He left last night and we agreed not to talk unless it was essential. Give him the space he needs to decide. He says the big test would be if he felt sick at the thought of leaving me to go away last night and I'm desperate to know but space. space is important.
Today is the first day of my new life alone again.

Too many tears over the last few days. Both sobbing Thursday night almost hysterically.
Last night he wanted me, I refused. I held him as he cried. He says he still thinks I'm "hot", "cute" "awesome" its not enough. We tried to go out for a drink, it got awkward. Hard sitting next to him and not resting my hand on his knee or whatever.
Trying to act normal through the day. He leaves Sunday night/Monday Morning. I begged him to come back after this two week stint. At least then if he is looking forward to seeing me, then we know. If not then we can move on with our lives. Trying to talk about the practicalities of it all. I told him he was welcome to come back here inbetween teaching stints, I can sleep upstairs. He said he couldn't do that and then I said we need to decide what to do with his possessions. About the tortoise. About the holiday we have booked in July.
We both get upset talking about these things. I can't bear the thought that tonight is the last night I will have him curled up next to me snoring.
My life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it and if I don't get a job in the next month I will have to give up the horse and that is the only good thing in my life at the moment.

This is horrible. We have been for a nice playdate like we used to. Went to Crystal Palace and admired the dinosaurs and got happily lost in the maze, went and had ice cream sundaes and its like it should be all fun and affectionate between us, we had sex last night and this morning. But yet he says he doesnt know. Trying to give him space and not quiz too much. Suggested that maybe we should take some time apart when he leaves Monday and not communicate at all instead of texting and whats-apping and facebooking. To either start preparing for life without each other or maybe to make us realise that its worth carrying on with, that we miss each other too much.
Really have no idea what to do apart from try to make these last few days as fun as possible for us both and then at least it'll be left on a good note.

What with one thing and another 2014 is rapidly coming to be the shittiest year I've had for a long time.

Its been a strange couple of weeks and I don't know how to correctly articulate it all. I've not been excited by Welshy coming home, not like I should be. He's not been excited by coming home. On Saturday instead of coming right home, he spent the night with his friend.
We skirted round the issue until today and then talked, well I did mostly. Something has changed. Neither of us can particularly say what it is. But in the three weeks since I went to Salzburg something did.
Between tears in the park we tried to talk about it, tried to decide whether ending it was the right thing to do. Neither of us want that. Is it just because there's so much history there? That we're best friends? That we're clinging on for the wrong reasons?
I don't know. Trying to figure out what went wrong, trying to figure out how to fix it.
I tried to make him see that sometimes he treats me as badly as everyone else does. That I need to get away, that the only way to get out is to leave London. He refuses to even entertain the idea.
If I went, as I must do. It will be without him.
We agreed to try and see how the next few weeks go, he leaves again Monday. We will have a playdate tomorrow and hopefully a nice, fun day out now the pressure is off will help matters. Maybe we have just become stagnant and stale. I guess only time will tell......

So I went to see the Psychic/Clairvoyant. Whatever.
I went with the aim of being open-minded yet sceptical. I refused to give too much away and I know some people will mock and thats fine. I have done the same in the past, but I saw it as no different to going to Church and listening to the Pastor/Vicar/Priest or having visited some of the Hindi temples I have and having the experiences there.
So here is my report as honestly as I can remember it, I made notes as soon as I left and while waiting for the bus.
I was very nervous. I don't know why. I don't know if I was expecting her to "channel" Dad and what I'd have done if that had happened. (ran away probably!)
I went to the shop, up the stairs and was introduced to a friendly dark haired lady in a small white painted room, it had a telephone, a book (i forget the title) a tape recorder and she had some tarot cards and a box of tissues. It smelled of incense. I felt emotional straight away - not in the I'm going to cry sense but yet different. It started badly when she thought she had seen me before, that I looked like another lady she had seen and instantly I decided that this was going to be a waste of my time, and I vowed to be extra careful about what I said.
So she introduced herself, and started shuffling her cards. I was expecting her to select one but it seemed to be a much more random process with cards falling as she shuffled.
The first was signifying child. I know I've not had a period for about 5 months now (I really must see a doctor!) but I also know I'm not pregnant. If anything the gym has been confirming that as I've been loosing weight!
So when she asked that again I was a bit dubious, but then she talked about how it could be the end of a cycle and we/I briefly mentioned that I was living at home and Mother was leaving.
The next few cards that came out related to nature and water. She said I didn't drink enough (which is true. I can go all day with only one or two glasses) and she said that was why I was often tired. I found this quite spooky. E and P's mum often hands me water whenever I go there as she is always concerned at the little I drink.
Nature - pretty self explanatory. She asked and I confirmed my love of the outdoors.
Another couple of cards - relating to Welshy (and these came out randomly not one after the other but during the course of the half hour session)
The cards told her that we had been through a rocky patch (Spain) She asked if anyone else had ever been involved (me cheating either emotionally or physically) She said we needed to reconnect, that we were distant now so I mentioned him working abroad, she said (and I guess this is true of any relationship) that we were being complacent about our relationship,and we were slowly growing more distant, that we needed to work on it. That I would start to doubt, someone would make me interfere with it. Apart from the rocky patch I remain sceptical about this part, this is more common sense than any type of "magic". A final card revealed that we were "Twin Flames" and he has a good sense of humour and makes me laugh and that he would be there eventually with me (this will come clear later).
More cards relating to nature and being outdoors.
Cards relating to bullying. She asked and I confirmed that yes I had been bullied as a child. Another card asking if anyone helped and I said no, I said Mother hadn't been interested. She said that yes this has affected my whole life even if I didn't know it, that it had caused problems with self-doubt, self-love and belief in my own abilities. Again this resonated as anyone will know but I remain open about this, anyone who has been bullied probably has the same issues.
Other cards relating to this included that I was guarded, didn't trust easily and needed to open up more. Again this is pretty much me, but I will and do keep in mind that again this is probably true of many bullying victims.
Another card which connected with the child (first card) Redemption. She asked if I was good with children, if I'd worked with them. H2? Your opinions?! People have told me I am good with children and of course I have done some work with them in Spain as most recent example. She said that perhaps there would be some role with children in my future, either my own(!) or working with/alongside them. I laughed and said that I have little patience with them and thats why I didnt go into teacher training in the end.
A card relating to Dad and again here I got a little emotional. She asked if he had left me. She said I was angry about that. I said that he had been ill and I'd left everything in Derby to look after him. She reminded me that I had done the right thing there (I don't need anyone to tell me that) but yet I was angry that it had made part of my life come to an end and I'd had to rebuild it here.
She gave me an exercise to do. I have to in a notebook write down every negative thought I have about that time period and since and when I was done to read it all out loud and then destroy it, burn it, throw it away whatever. Then to do it again but this time positive, every good memory, time, discussion we had had and I am to read that for 28 days and this will replace the bad points. And this is the kind of thing I wanted really from the session. I wanted some way of replacing all the bad thoughts and feelings inside my head about that time, its hard to explain perhaps but I feel that it is holding me back and she confirmed this (without me mentioning it.)
She said I was facing a crossroads. That I was finally free to choose things that I wanted and I was to ignore anyone and everyone else around me. That Welshy (going back to above point) would come eventually. That within 3-6 months my life would be changed for the better, that I'd be out in the countryside or at least outside of London and I would be a lot, lot happier than I was here.
So. To sum up. Yes there was some things that I felt were good guesswork, body language reading, picking up perhaps on things I let slip unintentionally (perhaps by feeling so emotional)
The drinking water, the rockiness between me and Welshy, the nature side of things, the bullying. Those were things that I don't really see how she could pick up on. Even if she had the time and ability to google me, I don't think drinking little amounts of water is something that can be picked up on!
I will of course keep you all updated if in 3/6 months time I am out of London and if anything deteriates between me and Welshy although I am also consious that having these thoughts may unwisely influence decisions?!
I will probably do the exercise, it is harmless and can only help.
It was very surreal, emotional as I have said and although I don't see myself going again or becoming a convert and wasting loads of money on it, I would be open minded more so to those people who do this kinda thing. Basically an incense-scented therapy session with pretty cards!

  

Had an interview today. Not sure how to read company. Not on any of the frameworks. Spiffy office near London Bridge. Okish money, think I wanted more than they were prepared to offer. 9-5.30. Being near London Bridge isn't that bad though, its only an hour at most from there door to door.
They made me do a spelling test and a compliance test. I smashed the test. Did it in 5 minutes when they said at least 30 was available.
Pah.
I swear one of the nurses information that they gave me was one that I used to know at my first company. Name was familar.
Then rushing back to complete my new signing on application meeting. I specifically said that I wasn't about Tuesday afternoon. Sigh.
Its done anyway.
Not a lot else to report. Just applying away. Something will come up soon.
Oh and me and The Brat are still avoiding each other. Not spoken/seen each other for a week now. Hurrah for being grown up!

Urgh. Welshy is going to be home for a week and then away for another month. I agreed with him that it was ok for me to look for work outside of London.
Starting to fret about my dwindling funds so have started (reluctantly) to do signing on form. Hopefully will not need it.
Went to a Go Ape with E and her eccentric family on Saturday. I wish mine were like that. Taking her mum for a day out. Friendly banter. Nephews, Aunts, sisters.
I have been rejected from any more flucamp trials for the time being which is sad!
I have an interview tomorrow and will be crossing all fingers for that.
V's owner suggested we go hire a show jump arena to play with and I've booked myself another much needed McTimoney treatment.
I have - also and please don't mock - booked to see a psychic, it is something I've been curious about for a long, long time. I am healthily sceptical and I figure to see it more as a counseling session. Perhaps an outsider can come up with ideas to fix the mess my life is in.
Anyway, I shall report back on that and on my interview later in the week I guess.
And after this I shall cut back on spending and save some pennies!