I got a call from an agency yesterday, having found my details on Reed. Told me about a position they know of that is having a recruitment day. I had to prepare a 5 min presentation, and be there for 8.30 for a full day.
Kingston is quite a way from me, it cost me 16 pounds to get there and I had to leave at 6.40 to get there in time. Another gentleman came from Enfield and left at 5.40 to get there, after having begged a day off of work, short notice.
So yeah. Neither of us appreciated being told that someone or another was sick and we had to go home but they were prepared to interview 4 other people (who I happened to notice were fresh out of uni and local).
Apparently they'll re-arrange for us to do it over Skype and refund costs but as of yet no one has been in touch with me.
A - Why send the people who travelled the furthest home?
B - Why only interview a few people?
C - Why text me at 7am to remind me to bring my passport if they knew this was happening?
D - How can I do a presentation with handouts (as requested repeatedly) over Skype?
Anyway phoned them up and demanded that I get my money back..... watch this space....
Went out with Flashy as well tonight, great fun! Ended up meeting these two lads, who tried it on a bit but were a great laugh at the end.
Always good to be chatted up with the line "So would you kill a baby?"
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
So she went out earlier to see "someone". I suspect will nonsense. She told me she had a meeting at Nan's care home at 2. I said no worries I'd wait for her to come back before I went to the yard. So say the meeting went on for an hour and she spent some time with Nan (which technically I can't argue against [or I could as she knows I'm waiting and can spend all Wednesday and Thursday there]), its a 10 minute drive away. So where is she at 4.20? Or at least why not have the decency to text me and say I'm going here next.
It'll take me close to two hours to get there now via bus and I'm loathe to leave in fear she'll appear and I'll have wasted a two hour trip and 5 pound on the bus when I could tootle there in 20 minutes and it not cost me anything?
URGH. I am never gonna learn am I? I am the Reek to her Ramsey Bolton.
It'll take me close to two hours to get there now via bus and I'm loathe to leave in fear she'll appear and I'll have wasted a two hour trip and 5 pound on the bus when I could tootle there in 20 minutes and it not cost me anything?
URGH. I am never gonna learn am I? I am the Reek to her Ramsey Bolton.
So far car sharing includes me getting a bus whenever I need to go out in a three hour radius of her also going out.
I went with her to the solicitors. Basically woman got bitchslapped. Told to stop shirking her duties and delegating everything and step up to the plate. All of this drama could have been stopped with one phone call in February. Found it quite hard to keep the smirk off of my face and hide the annoyance that I've been dicking about as always trying to sort out her messes when she literally just needed to call social services and put them on the case and they would have dealt with it all.
Also. I got hit with the bombshell that he's asked her to marry him. Apparently she told him it was up to the children what she did. Boy will not be down with that. I am not keen either. She's known him a year FFS. I said this. She pointed out that she knew Dad a year. She was 18 then, had nothing. Now she's 50. Old enough to know better and owns a house.
He has nothing. If she marries him he would be entitled to half of it. I don't even know if it was serious and she said yes or not. I may be worrying unnecessarily about that but the fact that it's been brought up means that it will again, and she may not give him the same answer again.
She also mentioned yesterday changing her will. I didnt think too much of it, I've seen her will. Its dated 1996, so long before Dad ever got sick. Before we owned our house. But Now the thought is: Would she have the sense to make sure the house only went to me and Boy? Would she leave it to him?
Have I been watching too many TV dramas to be fearing the worst????
Have I been watching too many TV dramas to be fearing the worst????
Sunday, June 22, 2014
She came back yesterday. Wasn't expecting her until tomorrow. Course the living room was a mess cos Boy lives down there now and I spend all my time in my room (which come to think of it, would have been good training for the medical trial had I got it). So yeah, told off for not tidying that. Told off for tidying snotty tissues and 4 year old Sainsburys reciepts out of the car in case I'd thrown something important(!)
And today I was asked why I had bothered to tidy the back garden when no one can see that, I should have either left it or done that and the front garden.
Which to be fair is not the expected criticism. Gone out in what I already think of as *my car* to see her friend and have dinner with her.
I expect at some point she might ask me how I am but until then I'm busy sorting out all the printing that needs doing for the solicitors. (reason she's back is that Granddad's will/estate has still not been settled and as mentioned someone is challenging her for power over Nan's finances.)
And today I was asked why I had bothered to tidy the back garden when no one can see that, I should have either left it or done that and the front garden.
Which to be fair is not the expected criticism. Gone out in what I already think of as *my car* to see her friend and have dinner with her.
I expect at some point she might ask me how I am but until then I'm busy sorting out all the printing that needs doing for the solicitors. (reason she's back is that Granddad's will/estate has still not been settled and as mentioned someone is challenging her for power over Nan's finances.)
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Today I learnt I have two birth certificates. One for when I was born and one for three years later.
My original one confirms that mother wasn't married to Dad when I was born, no big secret I'm in all the wedding photos.
The second is dated when I was 3 and a bit years old and confirms that mum is now married to Dad.
Which is fine you know. Except it was done a year after my brother was born and 2 years 9 months after their wedding.
Well just call me Meg 'afterthought' Griffin from here on in...
"DEAR MEG. FOR THE FIRST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIFE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HOUSECAT."
My original one confirms that mother wasn't married to Dad when I was born, no big secret I'm in all the wedding photos.
The second is dated when I was 3 and a bit years old and confirms that mum is now married to Dad.
Which is fine you know. Except it was done a year after my brother was born and 2 years 9 months after their wedding.
Well just call me Meg 'afterthought' Griffin from here on in...
"DEAR MEG. FOR THE FIRST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIFE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HOUSECAT."
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
I got summoned on Friday to an agency office on Monday, to be put forward for a role within the NHS, I really wanted it, it sounded exciting, it paid well, I had visions of being able to move out, to solve all money crisises and problems forever. I thought it was fate, that it was part of Perfect Friday, having passed my test.
Of course I didn't get it.
Went for another interview today and I'm not sure I performed as best I could for it. It was at Welshy's old halls of residence and made me rather nostalgic for those years way back when I was working in The Health Food Shop That Shall Not Be Named and a lot more carefree despite everything than I am now. Back in the day when I thought I'd be able to use my degree, and escape the Mother.
Foolish child that I was.
The driving is coming along. I *may* have accidentally forgotten to turn off my right indicator and cruised happily along the A2 for about 10 minutes before realising and I'm stalling occasionally and bunny hopping a bit, but the car is a lot more powerful, larger and longer than what I learnt in so it'll take time and every trip fills me with a little more confidence. I had a pass plus lesson and drove to Gatwick Airport which filled me with terror but yet confidence in my abilities, so yay me!
If I do not get a job by the end of this month I will give up the horse, I decided last night. I meant to do it in May but I had a few interviews and postponed it hoping. I cannot afford this expense any more. It will break my heart but there will be other horses that need riders once I am employed again.
Of course knowing my luck the week after giving her up, I'll get another job and it'll be too late!
Of course I didn't get it.
Went for another interview today and I'm not sure I performed as best I could for it. It was at Welshy's old halls of residence and made me rather nostalgic for those years way back when I was working in The Health Food Shop That Shall Not Be Named and a lot more carefree despite everything than I am now. Back in the day when I thought I'd be able to use my degree, and escape the Mother.
Foolish child that I was.
The driving is coming along. I *may* have accidentally forgotten to turn off my right indicator and cruised happily along the A2 for about 10 minutes before realising and I'm stalling occasionally and bunny hopping a bit, but the car is a lot more powerful, larger and longer than what I learnt in so it'll take time and every trip fills me with a little more confidence. I had a pass plus lesson and drove to Gatwick Airport which filled me with terror but yet confidence in my abilities, so yay me!
If I do not get a job by the end of this month I will give up the horse, I decided last night. I meant to do it in May but I had a few interviews and postponed it hoping. I cannot afford this expense any more. It will break my heart but there will be other horses that need riders once I am employed again.
Of course knowing my luck the week after giving her up, I'll get another job and it'll be too late!
Thursday, June 05, 2014
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
Oh dear. Once again naivety regarding Mother has been my downfall. I had been hoping that the housing benefit would be mine to keep - apart from usual rent that goes to her. This would mean that I can live and pretty much break even each week.
BBBBUUUUUUZZZZ!
FAIL!
After lecturing me for ages about how wonderful her life is, how she only dives 3 or 4 times a week, only eats out once or twice a week, how they have a cleaner and how she only works now 4 hours a week, I then got told how she wants all of it otherwise she will be eating into her savings.
Well hang on. I'm about 1400 into my credit card and at least 800 into my overdraft (too scared to look any more). She has 3k in savings and TBH perhaps she should have thought about this.
Or maybe I'm the one being stupid and childish? I mean if it was a normal landlord I'd not know anything about their lifestyle so it'd be one of those things. And it is kinda benefit fraud otherwise.
Welshy rightly pointed out that he doubts very much if Boy will give it to her seeing as I'm the only one out of the two of us who does pay rent at the moment! And he gets to do " I told you so." as he was unwilling to sign the contract anyway necessary for this. And now I'm fretting that she'll want all of that still if I do go get a real job.
Had an interview on Friday, hoped to hear back from them before today. Haven't. Agency called me up to see if i'd be interested in a HR/Admin role. I said yes, but I learnt in the conversation that they've merged with another charity that I interviewed with earlier this year.
So yeah, it'd be the same role so not convinced I'll get a call back or interview! Hey ho. Just gotta keep on plugging away!
BBBBUUUUUUZZZZ!
FAIL!
After lecturing me for ages about how wonderful her life is, how she only dives 3 or 4 times a week, only eats out once or twice a week, how they have a cleaner and how she only works now 4 hours a week, I then got told how she wants all of it otherwise she will be eating into her savings.
Well hang on. I'm about 1400 into my credit card and at least 800 into my overdraft (too scared to look any more). She has 3k in savings and TBH perhaps she should have thought about this.
Or maybe I'm the one being stupid and childish? I mean if it was a normal landlord I'd not know anything about their lifestyle so it'd be one of those things. And it is kinda benefit fraud otherwise.
Welshy rightly pointed out that he doubts very much if Boy will give it to her seeing as I'm the only one out of the two of us who does pay rent at the moment! And he gets to do " I told you so." as he was unwilling to sign the contract anyway necessary for this. And now I'm fretting that she'll want all of that still if I do go get a real job.
Had an interview on Friday, hoped to hear back from them before today. Haven't. Agency called me up to see if i'd be interested in a HR/Admin role. I said yes, but I learnt in the conversation that they've merged with another charity that I interviewed with earlier this year.
So yeah, it'd be the same role so not convinced I'll get a call back or interview! Hey ho. Just gotta keep on plugging away!
Saturday, May 31, 2014
It had been a really nice week with him, he was settled, funny, caring and almost like old times. Then last night before he flew away I ruined it by being tactless and acting without thinking as I usually do. Then I realised I'd said the most stupid thing and also that apologising wouldn't fix it. And then of course by the time I did apologise, he felt it was too late and I didn't really mean it. URGH.
Back in a months time and now back to stressing over him and his mental health and indirectly us again.
Drivings going ok, fingers crossed for upcoming test!
Mother and TMWMinW are back on Monday - He has an interview to busk on the South Bank for 6 weeks. So plans on giving up key holiday season time and gigging most nights in bars and what have you for 6 weeks busking. Of course me questioning this leads to accusations of not being supporting enough!
Had a job interview yesterday, think it went well, lost a bit of interest when they mentioned the long hours. Applied for housing benefit so just waiting to see if that goes through....
Still. At least if I pass the driving thats 155 pounds saved and then if I don't get the benefit I'd have to think seriously about giving up the horse. I said I would unless things improved in May.
There are 4 jobs that I'd really like (any of them) with deadlines in first two weeks of June so perhaps if the benefit comes through then I can hang on and wait for them?
Got rejected for the medical trial after being sent for a second stage screening which is a shame. 3k would have come in handy!!!
Onwards and upwards! I do feel positive though despite my dire financial situation and crashing and burning relationship!
Back in a months time and now back to stressing over him and his mental health and indirectly us again.
Drivings going ok, fingers crossed for upcoming test!
Mother and TMWMinW are back on Monday - He has an interview to busk on the South Bank for 6 weeks. So plans on giving up key holiday season time and gigging most nights in bars and what have you for 6 weeks busking. Of course me questioning this leads to accusations of not being supporting enough!
Had a job interview yesterday, think it went well, lost a bit of interest when they mentioned the long hours. Applied for housing benefit so just waiting to see if that goes through....
Still. At least if I pass the driving thats 155 pounds saved and then if I don't get the benefit I'd have to think seriously about giving up the horse. I said I would unless things improved in May.
There are 4 jobs that I'd really like (any of them) with deadlines in first two weeks of June so perhaps if the benefit comes through then I can hang on and wait for them?
Got rejected for the medical trial after being sent for a second stage screening which is a shame. 3k would have come in handy!!!
Onwards and upwards! I do feel positive though despite my dire financial situation and crashing and burning relationship!
Friday, May 23, 2014
I've depressed myself this week by realising how much in debt I am. Fingers crossed I pass this driving test soon so at least thats one less debt to worry about! Welshy comes home tomorrow and we'll see how things go...... Stupid mental illness.
Been gardening this week mostly inbetween applying for jobs. Quietly pleased at the job i've done so far. Its shame that I can predict what Mother will say when she sees it
It'll be A. "Oooh now you'll need to keep it like that." (Well duh) or B. "Well you could have done the front as well."
I plan on starting on the front at some point, I just dislike people watching and judging. Also I can't afford flowers and shit to put in there to make it pretty. And lets not pretend. I enjoy the slicing with strimmers and secateurs more than actual gardening. Its a good thing to take my rage out on!
Been gardening this week mostly inbetween applying for jobs. Quietly pleased at the job i've done so far. Its shame that I can predict what Mother will say when she sees it
It'll be A. "Oooh now you'll need to keep it like that." (Well duh) or B. "Well you could have done the front as well."
I plan on starting on the front at some point, I just dislike people watching and judging. Also I can't afford flowers and shit to put in there to make it pretty. And lets not pretend. I enjoy the slicing with strimmers and secateurs more than actual gardening. Its a good thing to take my rage out on!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Another crazy outburst from Welshy. I am so worried about him but he refuses to seek help. So what can I do but try to listen and understand? God it hurts though.
Went dumper truck racing with P, E and triple l. I won yay! Was harder than it looked! They skidded everywhere and I nearly went over backwards!
I found a novel I wrote at work and am amusing myself by typing it up. The middle is missing so I will have to work on that.
Brought a fab toy today and am enjoying it far too much!
Went dumper truck racing with P, E and triple l. I won yay! Was harder than it looked! They skidded everywhere and I nearly went over backwards!
I found a novel I wrote at work and am amusing myself by typing it up. The middle is missing so I will have to work on that.
Brought a fab toy today and am enjoying it far too much!
Friday, May 16, 2014
Luckily found Geronimo yesterday after an epic 24 hours of freedom and my 3 hours of gardening. I should really keep this up as it looks alright the bit I cleared!
Went out to the second part of my medical trial testing. Had lots of random tests done including an ECG and a wee test!
Now just waiting to see what happens after that!
I had a mock driving test today. Drove abysmally. Although it wasn't as bad as I feared, it would have been a fail. Urgh. Had had a good couple of lessons prior to this so lets hope it was just a fluke!
Two lessons next week and then gonna do another hardcore week so we'll see!
Went out to the second part of my medical trial testing. Had lots of random tests done including an ECG and a wee test!
Now just waiting to see what happens after that!
I had a mock driving test today. Drove abysmally. Although it wasn't as bad as I feared, it would have been a fail. Urgh. Had had a good couple of lessons prior to this so lets hope it was just a fluke!
Two lessons next week and then gonna do another hardcore week so we'll see!
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
God I hate, hate that woman! Boy accidentally or didnt know that stuff in the back room was to be shipped out. Its a bike, a clothes airer and some other little bits and pieces. So she wanted me to run about tomorrow like an idiot taking it all up to heathrow on the tube. When I refused she got on the phone to her friend W guilted him into driving her car without tax and insurance to do it. So tomorrow I have to give him the car keys just so that selfish bitch who was too lazy to organise all this her end when she knew she was coming back at least 3 weeks ago can get a bike and an airer sent to her in Spain.
I also however have spent today Googling how to get housing benefit. She claimed it was too hard to organise and never bothered during her week of drinking and hanging out with friends here.
So thats what I plan on doing Wednesday.
I also however have spent today Googling how to get housing benefit. She claimed it was too hard to organise and never bothered during her week of drinking and hanging out with friends here.
So thats what I plan on doing Wednesday.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Lets bring it all up to speed. - I didn't get the kennel club job, they said it would be mundane and beneath me. Really disappointed about that. No other interviews on horizon and I'm starting to get worried about funds and whathaveyou.
Booked Driving test. No one knows when it is and I plan to keep it that way.
Got approved to go on council housing list. Boom! Of course I can't do that until I get a job and the list is so long I might even end up being able to afford to buy (insert sarky laugh).
Mother was home, she castigated my lack of cleaning up after the Boy - who is also not working and has moved down into the living room to sleep and live. She spent more time going out with her friends and telling me in one breath how poor she was and needed me to carry on giving her rent (am only one out of the three of us who has!!) and in the other breath how she is diving three or four times a week and goes out most nights to "support" him and the band.
Welshy - Oh God I don't know what's going on there. When he came home he was full of the pits of despair about how he's a hindrance to my life and stopping me doing things cos he doesn't support my dream of escape from London. We just had a really nice week together, and we both agreed how easy it was to forget the problems of the last two weeks.
He told me he loved me yesterday. Urgh. Not reading into it at all. He is now away again for 2 weeks. Just playing it all by ear which makes me seem like a victim I guess but I'm prepared for either eventuality so am just rolling with it all.
The medical trial people got back in touch out of the blue. I qualify for a different experiment so am going Thursday for a health MOT (ECG's the works!) and then we'll see! I could get locked up for 11 days but get 3k for my troubles. Which would be very very handy.
And that is just about it really. Riding tomorrow and then the week starts again with a trip to sign on.
Booked Driving test. No one knows when it is and I plan to keep it that way.
Got approved to go on council housing list. Boom! Of course I can't do that until I get a job and the list is so long I might even end up being able to afford to buy (insert sarky laugh).
Mother was home, she castigated my lack of cleaning up after the Boy - who is also not working and has moved down into the living room to sleep and live. She spent more time going out with her friends and telling me in one breath how poor she was and needed me to carry on giving her rent (am only one out of the three of us who has!!) and in the other breath how she is diving three or four times a week and goes out most nights to "support" him and the band.
Welshy - Oh God I don't know what's going on there. When he came home he was full of the pits of despair about how he's a hindrance to my life and stopping me doing things cos he doesn't support my dream of escape from London. We just had a really nice week together, and we both agreed how easy it was to forget the problems of the last two weeks.
He told me he loved me yesterday. Urgh. Not reading into it at all. He is now away again for 2 weeks. Just playing it all by ear which makes me seem like a victim I guess but I'm prepared for either eventuality so am just rolling with it all.
The medical trial people got back in touch out of the blue. I qualify for a different experiment so am going Thursday for a health MOT (ECG's the works!) and then we'll see! I could get locked up for 11 days but get 3k for my troubles. Which would be very very handy.
And that is just about it really. Riding tomorrow and then the week starts again with a trip to sign on.
Friday, May 02, 2014
Had an interview with the Kennel Club yesterday. Was hoping to hear back today regarding a second interview (even took a handbag with me!) haven't heard.
Had a reasonable driving lesson and then went to see the horse, felt sudden attack of the blues so didn't ride when I should have as it always perks me up but weather was grey and I hate riding in the rain. Of course it didn't and still hasn't rained so should have done it.
Will go to the gym later though, get some endorphins into me and that'll help.
He comes home on Sunday as does Mother and I'm not excited about either.
Had a reasonable driving lesson and then went to see the horse, felt sudden attack of the blues so didn't ride when I should have as it always perks me up but weather was grey and I hate riding in the rain. Of course it didn't and still hasn't rained so should have done it.
Will go to the gym later though, get some endorphins into me and that'll help.
He comes home on Sunday as does Mother and I'm not excited about either.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Oh yeah - Let me share this story with you from yesterday! I went for an interview arranged at the place where Lady who owns Horse works. Apparently I was tied top candidate along with another person - Reason they chose other person?? I showed up without a handbag......
WTF? I had keys, bus pass, phone. It all fitted in my pocket. You may be unsurprised to learn that I don't even own a handbag......
WTF? I had keys, bus pass, phone. It all fitted in my pocket. You may be unsurprised to learn that I don't even own a handbag......
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
In the midst of all the misery I've been posting recently I've just had the best day out I've had for ages!
We hired an arena and showjumps and took the horse out to play. She was so excited! Took two of us to hold her still to tack up and I'm sure she was hyperventilating with it all!
I let her owner ride her first as I was a bit nervous of how excited she was, then it was my go! Once again steering let me down as did confusion over left and rights. We practised perhaps 7 or 8 jumps individually and then strung them together to make a nice course. Where I got lost! Hey Ho!
Got some ok photos too!
When I start working I plan on taking up more jumping lessons and I have my fingers crossed that perhaps her owner will let me take her to some low level jumping contests.
Then home and straight out to football where we put an end to a miserable season by winning 3-1! Luckily staving off relegation!
Also! The temping lady got in touch about possibly setting me up with an interview with the Kennel Club! And I have an interview in Sutton Coldfield Tuesday! Haven't really looked into it too much yet. If I go without Welshy, the wage might be a teeny bit too low.
Will look into it properly tomorrow although to be honest, far more excited about working for the Kennel Club!
We hired an arena and showjumps and took the horse out to play. She was so excited! Took two of us to hold her still to tack up and I'm sure she was hyperventilating with it all!
I let her owner ride her first as I was a bit nervous of how excited she was, then it was my go! Once again steering let me down as did confusion over left and rights. We practised perhaps 7 or 8 jumps individually and then strung them together to make a nice course. Where I got lost! Hey Ho!
Got some ok photos too!
When I start working I plan on taking up more jumping lessons and I have my fingers crossed that perhaps her owner will let me take her to some low level jumping contests.
Then home and straight out to football where we put an end to a miserable season by winning 3-1! Luckily staving off relegation!
Also! The temping lady got in touch about possibly setting me up with an interview with the Kennel Club! And I have an interview in Sutton Coldfield Tuesday! Haven't really looked into it too much yet. If I go without Welshy, the wage might be a teeny bit too low.
Will look into it properly tomorrow although to be honest, far more excited about working for the Kennel Club!
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Urggh. So poor! Reluctantly transferred all my savings from Tower Bridge job into my account to cover my overdraft. Now out by 15 pounds! Yikes. I was 600 quid into it. Bad times. 1k into my credit card due to season ticket and driving lessons.
I get 123 pounds from the JSA people later this week, that'll cover pony this week anyway and bus pass. but then two long long weeks before I get paid again. I must get another job soon????
I get 123 pounds from the JSA people later this week, that'll cover pony this week anyway and bus pass. but then two long long weeks before I get paid again. I must get another job soon????
Friday, April 25, 2014
So I am now officially confused. I spoke to him yesterday - I got a letter confirming our entrance to the council housing list we just need to provide evidence. I didn't obviously know if I should go to them and say, actually its now a single application.
He still doesn't know. We spoke and laughed and it was like normal and the air I got was that things will go back to normal. But I don't want to think that in case I am wrong and in any case I don't know if I want him back if he does. I can't take any more hurt.
URGH.
Anyway. Plus news! I drove on the A2 all the way to Gravesend! That's twenty miles! And back again! I over took shitty terrifying big lorries and stuff. And I navigated my way back singlehandedly using road signs and he thinks I should be test ready come end of May/Start of June.
So that's something at least! Yay Charbs!
He still doesn't know. We spoke and laughed and it was like normal and the air I got was that things will go back to normal. But I don't want to think that in case I am wrong and in any case I don't know if I want him back if he does. I can't take any more hurt.
URGH.
Anyway. Plus news! I drove on the A2 all the way to Gravesend! That's twenty miles! And back again! I over took shitty terrifying big lorries and stuff. And I navigated my way back singlehandedly using road signs and he thinks I should be test ready come end of May/Start of June.
So that's something at least! Yay Charbs!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
So. Maybe watching Frozen wasn't the best move. I'm doing ok. I will be ok. Whatever happens I can be ok again. Play at being Pollyanna and keep on waiting. Three days down. 10 days to go. Then I can move on. Interview went ok, will find out soon. Driving went ok. This week of hardcore lessons is good. I WILL BE OK. I am not pathetic. I am strong. I have always been strong.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
No more tears. I will not shed any more for him. I have booked driving lessons for every day this week and I will be riding as usual (fab lesson today working on my errant lower leg position!) and preparing for an interview tomorrow and looking forward to my showjumping schooling adventure at Felbridge next week.
I am satisfying myself with thoughts of breaking his face should he tell me it was a mistake and if he doesn't.... Well the worst is over now, its just a matter of telling people. (giving mother the pleasure of saying "I told you so."
I'm gonna book myself the holiday I wanted last year as soon as I get a job and fuck being scared to fly alone. I'll just get hammered on the flight. Then start to save again.
Starting to replace some old clothes that are older than this blog! Holey socks, tatty undies. I deleted What's-App (he was the only person I spoke to on it anyway) and deleted all text history from him to prevent me from being tempted to contact him. Space is what he needs and Space is what he will get from me.
When he comes back it will hurt no doubt all over again but I'm not pathetic. I can't believe I allowed myself to get in that state last week where I didn't eat for 5 days. Where I cried often and randomly. Yes I'm devastated but I have re-grouped now and this bit of breathing space is good for me. Hopefully it will be good for him too and help him to make the right decision. What ever that is.
I am satisfying myself with thoughts of breaking his face should he tell me it was a mistake and if he doesn't.... Well the worst is over now, its just a matter of telling people. (giving mother the pleasure of saying "I told you so."
I'm gonna book myself the holiday I wanted last year as soon as I get a job and fuck being scared to fly alone. I'll just get hammered on the flight. Then start to save again.
Starting to replace some old clothes that are older than this blog! Holey socks, tatty undies. I deleted What's-App (he was the only person I spoke to on it anyway) and deleted all text history from him to prevent me from being tempted to contact him. Space is what he needs and Space is what he will get from me.
When he comes back it will hurt no doubt all over again but I'm not pathetic. I can't believe I allowed myself to get in that state last week where I didn't eat for 5 days. Where I cried often and randomly. Yes I'm devastated but I have re-grouped now and this bit of breathing space is good for me. Hopefully it will be good for him too and help him to make the right decision. What ever that is.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Saturday night and I couldn't bear the distance between us any more, in private we're stupidly tactile, where as in public we're not. We both cried again and then ended up having sex, cuddling, kissing and talking for ages and again the next morning when I woke. I'm not stupid and I'm not reading into anything when he told me how nice it all was.
Goodbye Sex I guess. We did it again last night and spent a long time snuggled up reminiscing about various adventures and mishaps we've had over the last 7 and a bit years. Reassuring each other that they'll be ok.
He says he's torn 50/50 but he's hurt me so badly I don't know if I could forgive him if he changes his mind again. Whether or not it would always be at the back of my mind that this could happen again and I need to protect myself.
Tired of people constantly letting me down.
So. Now what? He left last night and we agreed not to talk unless it was essential. Give him the space he needs to decide. He says the big test would be if he felt sick at the thought of leaving me to go away last night and I'm desperate to know but space. space is important.
Today is the first day of my new life alone again.
Goodbye Sex I guess. We did it again last night and spent a long time snuggled up reminiscing about various adventures and mishaps we've had over the last 7 and a bit years. Reassuring each other that they'll be ok.
He says he's torn 50/50 but he's hurt me so badly I don't know if I could forgive him if he changes his mind again. Whether or not it would always be at the back of my mind that this could happen again and I need to protect myself.
Tired of people constantly letting me down.
So. Now what? He left last night and we agreed not to talk unless it was essential. Give him the space he needs to decide. He says the big test would be if he felt sick at the thought of leaving me to go away last night and I'm desperate to know but space. space is important.
Today is the first day of my new life alone again.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Too many tears over the last few days. Both sobbing Thursday night almost hysterically.
Last night he wanted me, I refused. I held him as he cried. He says he still thinks I'm "hot", "cute" "awesome" its not enough. We tried to go out for a drink, it got awkward. Hard sitting next to him and not resting my hand on his knee or whatever.
Trying to act normal through the day. He leaves Sunday night/Monday Morning. I begged him to come back after this two week stint. At least then if he is looking forward to seeing me, then we know. If not then we can move on with our lives. Trying to talk about the practicalities of it all. I told him he was welcome to come back here inbetween teaching stints, I can sleep upstairs. He said he couldn't do that and then I said we need to decide what to do with his possessions. About the tortoise. About the holiday we have booked in July.
We both get upset talking about these things. I can't bear the thought that tonight is the last night I will have him curled up next to me snoring.
My life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it and if I don't get a job in the next month I will have to give up the horse and that is the only good thing in my life at the moment.
Last night he wanted me, I refused. I held him as he cried. He says he still thinks I'm "hot", "cute" "awesome" its not enough. We tried to go out for a drink, it got awkward. Hard sitting next to him and not resting my hand on his knee or whatever.
Trying to act normal through the day. He leaves Sunday night/Monday Morning. I begged him to come back after this two week stint. At least then if he is looking forward to seeing me, then we know. If not then we can move on with our lives. Trying to talk about the practicalities of it all. I told him he was welcome to come back here inbetween teaching stints, I can sleep upstairs. He said he couldn't do that and then I said we need to decide what to do with his possessions. About the tortoise. About the holiday we have booked in July.
We both get upset talking about these things. I can't bear the thought that tonight is the last night I will have him curled up next to me snoring.
My life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it and if I don't get a job in the next month I will have to give up the horse and that is the only good thing in my life at the moment.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
This is horrible. We have been for a nice playdate like we used to. Went to Crystal Palace and admired the dinosaurs and got happily lost in the maze, went and had ice cream sundaes and its like it should be all fun and affectionate between us, we had sex last night and this morning. But yet he says he doesnt know. Trying to give him space and not quiz too much. Suggested that maybe we should take some time apart when he leaves Monday and not communicate at all instead of texting and whats-apping and facebooking. To either start preparing for life without each other or maybe to make us realise that its worth carrying on with, that we miss each other too much.
Really have no idea what to do apart from try to make these last few days as fun as possible for us both and then at least it'll be left on a good note.
What with one thing and another 2014 is rapidly coming to be the shittiest year I've had for a long time.
Really have no idea what to do apart from try to make these last few days as fun as possible for us both and then at least it'll be left on a good note.
What with one thing and another 2014 is rapidly coming to be the shittiest year I've had for a long time.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Its been a strange couple of weeks and I don't know how to correctly articulate it all. I've not been excited by Welshy coming home, not like I should be. He's not been excited by coming home. On Saturday instead of coming right home, he spent the night with his friend.
We skirted round the issue until today and then talked, well I did mostly. Something has changed. Neither of us can particularly say what it is. But in the three weeks since I went to Salzburg something did.
Between tears in the park we tried to talk about it, tried to decide whether ending it was the right thing to do. Neither of us want that. Is it just because there's so much history there? That we're best friends? That we're clinging on for the wrong reasons?
I don't know. Trying to figure out what went wrong, trying to figure out how to fix it.
I tried to make him see that sometimes he treats me as badly as everyone else does. That I need to get away, that the only way to get out is to leave London. He refuses to even entertain the idea.
If I went, as I must do. It will be without him.
We agreed to try and see how the next few weeks go, he leaves again Monday. We will have a playdate tomorrow and hopefully a nice, fun day out now the pressure is off will help matters. Maybe we have just become stagnant and stale. I guess only time will tell......
We skirted round the issue until today and then talked, well I did mostly. Something has changed. Neither of us can particularly say what it is. But in the three weeks since I went to Salzburg something did.
Between tears in the park we tried to talk about it, tried to decide whether ending it was the right thing to do. Neither of us want that. Is it just because there's so much history there? That we're best friends? That we're clinging on for the wrong reasons?
I don't know. Trying to figure out what went wrong, trying to figure out how to fix it.
I tried to make him see that sometimes he treats me as badly as everyone else does. That I need to get away, that the only way to get out is to leave London. He refuses to even entertain the idea.
If I went, as I must do. It will be without him.
We agreed to try and see how the next few weeks go, he leaves again Monday. We will have a playdate tomorrow and hopefully a nice, fun day out now the pressure is off will help matters. Maybe we have just become stagnant and stale. I guess only time will tell......
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
So I went to see the Psychic/Clairvoyant. Whatever.
I went with the aim of being open-minded yet sceptical. I refused to give too much away and I know some people will mock and thats fine. I have done the same in the past, but I saw it as no different to going to Church and listening to the Pastor/Vicar/Priest or having visited some of the Hindi temples I have and having the experiences there.
So here is my report as honestly as I can remember it, I made notes as soon as I left and while waiting for the bus.
I was very nervous. I don't know why. I don't know if I was expecting her to "channel" Dad and what I'd have done if that had happened. (ran away probably!)
I went to the shop, up the stairs and was introduced to a friendly dark haired lady in a small white painted room, it had a telephone, a book (i forget the title) a tape recorder and she had some tarot cards and a box of tissues. It smelled of incense. I felt emotional straight away - not in the I'm going to cry sense but yet different. It started badly when she thought she had seen me before, that I looked like another lady she had seen and instantly I decided that this was going to be a waste of my time, and I vowed to be extra careful about what I said.
So she introduced herself, and started shuffling her cards. I was expecting her to select one but it seemed to be a much more random process with cards falling as she shuffled.
The first was signifying child. I know I've not had a period for about 5 months now (I really must see a doctor!) but I also know I'm not pregnant. If anything the gym has been confirming that as I've been loosing weight!
So when she asked that again I was a bit dubious, but then she talked about how it could be the end of a cycle and we/I briefly mentioned that I was living at home and Mother was leaving.
The next few cards that came out related to nature and water. She said I didn't drink enough (which is true. I can go all day with only one or two glasses) and she said that was why I was often tired. I found this quite spooky. E and P's mum often hands me water whenever I go there as she is always concerned at the little I drink.
Nature - pretty self explanatory. She asked and I confirmed my love of the outdoors.
Another couple of cards - relating to Welshy (and these came out randomly not one after the other but during the course of the half hour session)
The cards told her that we had been through a rocky patch (Spain) She asked if anyone else had ever been involved (me cheating either emotionally or physically) She said we needed to reconnect, that we were distant now so I mentioned him working abroad, she said (and I guess this is true of any relationship) that we were being complacent about our relationship,and we were slowly growing more distant, that we needed to work on it. That I would start to doubt, someone would make me interfere with it. Apart from the rocky patch I remain sceptical about this part, this is more common sense than any type of "magic". A final card revealed that we were "Twin Flames" and he has a good sense of humour and makes me laugh and that he would be there eventually with me (this will come clear later).
More cards relating to nature and being outdoors.
Cards relating to bullying. She asked and I confirmed that yes I had been bullied as a child. Another card asking if anyone helped and I said no, I said Mother hadn't been interested. She said that yes this has affected my whole life even if I didn't know it, that it had caused problems with self-doubt, self-love and belief in my own abilities. Again this resonated as anyone will know but I remain open about this, anyone who has been bullied probably has the same issues.
Other cards relating to this included that I was guarded, didn't trust easily and needed to open up more. Again this is pretty much me, but I will and do keep in mind that again this is probably true of many bullying victims.
Another card which connected with the child (first card) Redemption. She asked if I was good with children, if I'd worked with them. H2? Your opinions?! People have told me I am good with children and of course I have done some work with them in Spain as most recent example. She said that perhaps there would be some role with children in my future, either my own(!) or working with/alongside them. I laughed and said that I have little patience with them and thats why I didnt go into teacher training in the end.
A card relating to Dad and again here I got a little emotional. She asked if he had left me. She said I was angry about that. I said that he had been ill and I'd left everything in Derby to look after him. She reminded me that I had done the right thing there (I don't need anyone to tell me that) but yet I was angry that it had made part of my life come to an end and I'd had to rebuild it here.
She gave me an exercise to do. I have to in a notebook write down every negative thought I have about that time period and since and when I was done to read it all out loud and then destroy it, burn it, throw it away whatever. Then to do it again but this time positive, every good memory, time, discussion we had had and I am to read that for 28 days and this will replace the bad points. And this is the kind of thing I wanted really from the session. I wanted some way of replacing all the bad thoughts and feelings inside my head about that time, its hard to explain perhaps but I feel that it is holding me back and she confirmed this (without me mentioning it.)
She said I was facing a crossroads. That I was finally free to choose things that I wanted and I was to ignore anyone and everyone else around me. That Welshy (going back to above point) would come eventually. That within 3-6 months my life would be changed for the better, that I'd be out in the countryside or at least outside of London and I would be a lot, lot happier than I was here.
So. To sum up. Yes there was some things that I felt were good guesswork, body language reading, picking up perhaps on things I let slip unintentionally (perhaps by feeling so emotional)
The drinking water, the rockiness between me and Welshy, the nature side of things, the bullying. Those were things that I don't really see how she could pick up on. Even if she had the time and ability to google me, I don't think drinking little amounts of water is something that can be picked up on!
I will of course keep you all updated if in 3/6 months time I am out of London and if anything deteriates between me and Welshy although I am also consious that having these thoughts may unwisely influence decisions?!
I will probably do the exercise, it is harmless and can only help.
It was very surreal, emotional as I have said and although I don't see myself going again or becoming a convert and wasting loads of money on it, I would be open minded more so to those people who do this kinda thing. Basically an incense-scented therapy session with pretty cards!
I went with the aim of being open-minded yet sceptical. I refused to give too much away and I know some people will mock and thats fine. I have done the same in the past, but I saw it as no different to going to Church and listening to the Pastor/Vicar/Priest or having visited some of the Hindi temples I have and having the experiences there.
So here is my report as honestly as I can remember it, I made notes as soon as I left and while waiting for the bus.
I was very nervous. I don't know why. I don't know if I was expecting her to "channel" Dad and what I'd have done if that had happened. (ran away probably!)
I went to the shop, up the stairs and was introduced to a friendly dark haired lady in a small white painted room, it had a telephone, a book (i forget the title) a tape recorder and she had some tarot cards and a box of tissues. It smelled of incense. I felt emotional straight away - not in the I'm going to cry sense but yet different. It started badly when she thought she had seen me before, that I looked like another lady she had seen and instantly I decided that this was going to be a waste of my time, and I vowed to be extra careful about what I said.
So she introduced herself, and started shuffling her cards. I was expecting her to select one but it seemed to be a much more random process with cards falling as she shuffled.
The first was signifying child. I know I've not had a period for about 5 months now (I really must see a doctor!) but I also know I'm not pregnant. If anything the gym has been confirming that as I've been loosing weight!
So when she asked that again I was a bit dubious, but then she talked about how it could be the end of a cycle and we/I briefly mentioned that I was living at home and Mother was leaving.
The next few cards that came out related to nature and water. She said I didn't drink enough (which is true. I can go all day with only one or two glasses) and she said that was why I was often tired. I found this quite spooky. E and P's mum often hands me water whenever I go there as she is always concerned at the little I drink.
Nature - pretty self explanatory. She asked and I confirmed my love of the outdoors.
Another couple of cards - relating to Welshy (and these came out randomly not one after the other but during the course of the half hour session)
The cards told her that we had been through a rocky patch (Spain) She asked if anyone else had ever been involved (me cheating either emotionally or physically) She said we needed to reconnect, that we were distant now so I mentioned him working abroad, she said (and I guess this is true of any relationship) that we were being complacent about our relationship,and we were slowly growing more distant, that we needed to work on it. That I would start to doubt, someone would make me interfere with it. Apart from the rocky patch I remain sceptical about this part, this is more common sense than any type of "magic". A final card revealed that we were "Twin Flames" and he has a good sense of humour and makes me laugh and that he would be there eventually with me (this will come clear later).
More cards relating to nature and being outdoors.
Cards relating to bullying. She asked and I confirmed that yes I had been bullied as a child. Another card asking if anyone helped and I said no, I said Mother hadn't been interested. She said that yes this has affected my whole life even if I didn't know it, that it had caused problems with self-doubt, self-love and belief in my own abilities. Again this resonated as anyone will know but I remain open about this, anyone who has been bullied probably has the same issues.
Other cards relating to this included that I was guarded, didn't trust easily and needed to open up more. Again this is pretty much me, but I will and do keep in mind that again this is probably true of many bullying victims.
Another card which connected with the child (first card) Redemption. She asked if I was good with children, if I'd worked with them. H2? Your opinions?! People have told me I am good with children and of course I have done some work with them in Spain as most recent example. She said that perhaps there would be some role with children in my future, either my own(!) or working with/alongside them. I laughed and said that I have little patience with them and thats why I didnt go into teacher training in the end.
A card relating to Dad and again here I got a little emotional. She asked if he had left me. She said I was angry about that. I said that he had been ill and I'd left everything in Derby to look after him. She reminded me that I had done the right thing there (I don't need anyone to tell me that) but yet I was angry that it had made part of my life come to an end and I'd had to rebuild it here.
She gave me an exercise to do. I have to in a notebook write down every negative thought I have about that time period and since and when I was done to read it all out loud and then destroy it, burn it, throw it away whatever. Then to do it again but this time positive, every good memory, time, discussion we had had and I am to read that for 28 days and this will replace the bad points. And this is the kind of thing I wanted really from the session. I wanted some way of replacing all the bad thoughts and feelings inside my head about that time, its hard to explain perhaps but I feel that it is holding me back and she confirmed this (without me mentioning it.)
She said I was facing a crossroads. That I was finally free to choose things that I wanted and I was to ignore anyone and everyone else around me. That Welshy (going back to above point) would come eventually. That within 3-6 months my life would be changed for the better, that I'd be out in the countryside or at least outside of London and I would be a lot, lot happier than I was here.
So. To sum up. Yes there was some things that I felt were good guesswork, body language reading, picking up perhaps on things I let slip unintentionally (perhaps by feeling so emotional)
The drinking water, the rockiness between me and Welshy, the nature side of things, the bullying. Those were things that I don't really see how she could pick up on. Even if she had the time and ability to google me, I don't think drinking little amounts of water is something that can be picked up on!
I will of course keep you all updated if in 3/6 months time I am out of London and if anything deteriates between me and Welshy although I am also consious that having these thoughts may unwisely influence decisions?!
I will probably do the exercise, it is harmless and can only help.
It was very surreal, emotional as I have said and although I don't see myself going again or becoming a convert and wasting loads of money on it, I would be open minded more so to those people who do this kinda thing. Basically an incense-scented therapy session with pretty cards!
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
Had an interview today. Not sure how to read company. Not on any of the frameworks. Spiffy office near London Bridge. Okish money, think I wanted more than they were prepared to offer. 9-5.30. Being near London Bridge isn't that bad though, its only an hour at most from there door to door.
They made me do a spelling test and a compliance test. I smashed the test. Did it in 5 minutes when they said at least 30 was available.
Pah.
I swear one of the nurses information that they gave me was one that I used to know at my first company. Name was familar.
Then rushing back to complete my new signing on application meeting. I specifically said that I wasn't about Tuesday afternoon. Sigh.
Its done anyway.
Not a lot else to report. Just applying away. Something will come up soon.
Oh and me and The Brat are still avoiding each other. Not spoken/seen each other for a week now. Hurrah for being grown up!
They made me do a spelling test and a compliance test. I smashed the test. Did it in 5 minutes when they said at least 30 was available.
Pah.
I swear one of the nurses information that they gave me was one that I used to know at my first company. Name was familar.
Then rushing back to complete my new signing on application meeting. I specifically said that I wasn't about Tuesday afternoon. Sigh.
Its done anyway.
Not a lot else to report. Just applying away. Something will come up soon.
Oh and me and The Brat are still avoiding each other. Not spoken/seen each other for a week now. Hurrah for being grown up!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Urgh. Welshy is going to be home for a week and then away for another month. I agreed with him that it was ok for me to look for work outside of London.
Starting to fret about my dwindling funds so have started (reluctantly) to do signing on form. Hopefully will not need it.
Went to a Go Ape with E and her eccentric family on Saturday. I wish mine were like that. Taking her mum for a day out. Friendly banter. Nephews, Aunts, sisters.
I have been rejected from any more flucamp trials for the time being which is sad!
I have an interview tomorrow and will be crossing all fingers for that.
V's owner suggested we go hire a show jump arena to play with and I've booked myself another much needed McTimoney treatment.
I have - also and please don't mock - booked to see a psychic, it is something I've been curious about for a long, long time. I am healthily sceptical and I figure to see it more as a counseling session. Perhaps an outsider can come up with ideas to fix the mess my life is in.
Anyway, I shall report back on that and on my interview later in the week I guess.
And after this I shall cut back on spending and save some pennies!
Starting to fret about my dwindling funds so have started (reluctantly) to do signing on form. Hopefully will not need it.
Went to a Go Ape with E and her eccentric family on Saturday. I wish mine were like that. Taking her mum for a day out. Friendly banter. Nephews, Aunts, sisters.
I have been rejected from any more flucamp trials for the time being which is sad!
I have an interview tomorrow and will be crossing all fingers for that.
V's owner suggested we go hire a show jump arena to play with and I've booked myself another much needed McTimoney treatment.
I have - also and please don't mock - booked to see a psychic, it is something I've been curious about for a long, long time. I am healthily sceptical and I figure to see it more as a counseling session. Perhaps an outsider can come up with ideas to fix the mess my life is in.
Anyway, I shall report back on that and on my interview later in the week I guess.
And after this I shall cut back on spending and save some pennies!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Such a stressful day!
URGH!
Left for my theory driving test. I planned to arrive with 15 mins to spare and a 7 min walk to find it. Good old public transport let me down. I arrived with 5 mins to find it. Got lost. Did lots of running. Arrived at wrong place. Did more Running. Got there 15 minutes in, unable to breathe, verge of tears and exhausted.
Anyway I passed - by 1 mark - not bad for no revision!!!
Came home and ended up having a steaming row with The Brat. He accused me of being a dictator and a cunt. Told me I was as bad as him. WHAT?!
Threw his house key at me and stormed out. I cried hysterical tears for about 5 minutes and then taking H2's advice have spent the last two hours applying for jobs out of London.
Fuck this shit.
URGH!
Left for my theory driving test. I planned to arrive with 15 mins to spare and a 7 min walk to find it. Good old public transport let me down. I arrived with 5 mins to find it. Got lost. Did lots of running. Arrived at wrong place. Did more Running. Got there 15 minutes in, unable to breathe, verge of tears and exhausted.
Anyway I passed - by 1 mark - not bad for no revision!!!
Came home and ended up having a steaming row with The Brat. He accused me of being a dictator and a cunt. Told me I was as bad as him. WHAT?!
Threw his house key at me and stormed out. I cried hysterical tears for about 5 minutes and then taking H2's advice have spent the last two hours applying for jobs out of London.
Fuck this shit.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Salzburg was lovely! So pretty and I love how easy it is to travel about there! Nice to catch up with Welshy too. I went and trotted up to the fortress and around Mozart's house and we went underground to a salt mine with slides and boats!
Massive ice creams and the most random zoo!
I came home and instant despair. Two lots of dishwashing to be done. I didn't go to football cos the house was so messy and I was so stressed about the birds not being fed/watered (only one dead and I guess it had been there a while due to lack of head.....)
I tidied thoroughly and then utter despair today to see mess everywhere again.
I cracked. I shouted at him. He stormed out. I made a rosta and emailed it to mum and Welshy. I plan on talking to him about it when he gets in.
One of the rules were that if someone forgets their week then they don't pay rent that week. Considering I don't think he flushed the loo all week I don't think that's unreasonable.
Mother thinks so. Unsurprisingly.
Things are esculating quickly. I expect to find myself homeless by the end of the week......
OH I had a job interview today! More important than before I get a job now!!!!
Massive ice creams and the most random zoo!
I came home and instant despair. Two lots of dishwashing to be done. I didn't go to football cos the house was so messy and I was so stressed about the birds not being fed/watered (only one dead and I guess it had been there a while due to lack of head.....)
I tidied thoroughly and then utter despair today to see mess everywhere again.
I cracked. I shouted at him. He stormed out. I made a rosta and emailed it to mum and Welshy. I plan on talking to him about it when he gets in.
One of the rules were that if someone forgets their week then they don't pay rent that week. Considering I don't think he flushed the loo all week I don't think that's unreasonable.
Mother thinks so. Unsurprisingly.
Things are esculating quickly. I expect to find myself homeless by the end of the week......
OH I had a job interview today! More important than before I get a job now!!!!
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Just in my way up to the airport so I can go see Welshy. Pretty excited about it
. Yesterday I went to the nmm to see G one of the n.m
M..c.a.s.c (on phone apologies) to drop my ticlet for him to lend to his mate. Anyway. I got there for 12.30 but it was 4 by the time I found him. Too many people to stop and chat and catch up with!
Then a bit of a blast from the past when Flash told me he was local so we had some cheeky drinks and a nice catch up on life since blogging - well since he stopped.
Feeling good :-)
. Yesterday I went to the nmm to see G one of the n.m
M..c.a.s.c (on phone apologies) to drop my ticlet for him to lend to his mate. Anyway. I got there for 12.30 but it was 4 by the time I found him. Too many people to stop and chat and catch up with!
Then a bit of a blast from the past when Flash told me he was local so we had some cheeky drinks and a nice catch up on life since blogging - well since he stopped.
Feeling good :-)
Saturday, March 15, 2014
OMG!!! Just realised this is my 10yr blogger-versary!!!
Much love to my old school blogger friends, most of whom seem to have grown away from blogging and who's lives I follow on Facebook now.
Love to the old commenters R and co who I never knew.
And love to the few real life people who I shared this with. Welshy. H2. Red Squirrel.
And love to people I only know through blogging. Weenie, Alecya, Cody Bones.
Much love to my old school blogger friends, most of whom seem to have grown away from blogging and who's lives I follow on Facebook now.
Love to the old commenters R and co who I never knew.
And love to the few real life people who I shared this with. Welshy. H2. Red Squirrel.
And love to people I only know through blogging. Weenie, Alecya, Cody Bones.
If there's anyone out there who reads this now who would like to say hi and share in some cake please feel free. I'd love it. I know you're out there.
But equally its cool if you don't and carry on worshipping me from afar.
Pretty busy little day today. Had a gym session - scales say I lost 2kg! Considering I've hardly been last two weeks through a bad back and then leaving my pass at the stables this week I'm impressed with that progress in a month.
I suppose it could be more if I ate sensibly in the meantime. I'm not exactly dieting or calorie-counting but I am monitoring what I am eating with an app on my phone (phones do so much now days *said in old woman voice*) and I find that is preventing me from going to Greggs and buying cream scones!
Not that there will be much visiting Greggs any more! I now have left the national diabetes charity amid much dismay from the team that I worked with. I genuinely think they would have preferred me to stay and I got a lovely card from them all.
Absolute disaster however when Royal Mail lost a passport and wedding certificate that a lady posted to me. Its not my fault and I'm completely blameless but yet feel incredibly guilty about it!
Anyway, after going to the gym I washed all my bedding, woke a grumpy and sleepy tortoise from hibernation and fed the birds. Mum's friend W came over and he took me to the pet shop and I brought a large outdoor pen for him to go and frolic in, I cut some of the grass to go along with it and then dug out a bit of the top soil. Tomorrow or Monday I plan to go and buy some gravel and little plants to go into his pen and then he just needs a new dry house and he will be a spoilt tortoise with a summer home!
Riding tomorrow and all being well it shall be another hot sunny day so I can do some pole work and jumps on my lesson.
Off to Salzburg on Tuesday! I wish Welshy was back today but this is better than no Welshy!
I suppose it could be more if I ate sensibly in the meantime. I'm not exactly dieting or calorie-counting but I am monitoring what I am eating with an app on my phone (phones do so much now days *said in old woman voice*) and I find that is preventing me from going to Greggs and buying cream scones!
Not that there will be much visiting Greggs any more! I now have left the national diabetes charity amid much dismay from the team that I worked with. I genuinely think they would have preferred me to stay and I got a lovely card from them all.
Absolute disaster however when Royal Mail lost a passport and wedding certificate that a lady posted to me. Its not my fault and I'm completely blameless but yet feel incredibly guilty about it!
Anyway, after going to the gym I washed all my bedding, woke a grumpy and sleepy tortoise from hibernation and fed the birds. Mum's friend W came over and he took me to the pet shop and I brought a large outdoor pen for him to go and frolic in, I cut some of the grass to go along with it and then dug out a bit of the top soil. Tomorrow or Monday I plan to go and buy some gravel and little plants to go into his pen and then he just needs a new dry house and he will be a spoilt tortoise with a summer home!
Riding tomorrow and all being well it shall be another hot sunny day so I can do some pole work and jumps on my lesson.
Off to Salzburg on Tuesday! I wish Welshy was back today but this is better than no Welshy!
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Had an interview today. Went ok, clearly as stupid as the first jokers I worked for. I told them i'd only work for them if it was more than I got with my last job. I clearly aced interview though, we'll see what happens. Am pretty indifferent.
Went to the prescreen of my medical trial, had a blood sample taken now to wait 3-4 weeks to see what happens next.
Welshy isn't coming home next week. Someone he worked with had a grandparent die so he stepped into the breech. I'm gonna go see him though. Not been to Salzburg before so that should be nice. It looks really pretty and I can step into Germany too to wrack up another country. :)
Lovely sunny day today and tomorrow is my last day with the diabetes charity which is a shame. I will miss the bookshops!
Went to the prescreen of my medical trial, had a blood sample taken now to wait 3-4 weeks to see what happens next.
Welshy isn't coming home next week. Someone he worked with had a grandparent die so he stepped into the breech. I'm gonna go see him though. Not been to Salzburg before so that should be nice. It looks really pretty and I can step into Germany too to wrack up another country. :)
Lovely sunny day today and tomorrow is my last day with the diabetes charity which is a shame. I will miss the bookshops!
Monday, March 10, 2014
I think I'm really spinning into a bad time. I feel distance from it all, mild irritability at everyone. There was nothing for me to have for breakfast or lunch today. Had to eat out. Mother told me to eat Boys crumpets. I refused. That makes me as bad as him and I will hold onto the moral high ground as much as is possible.
Did little work today, dicked about online. Tried to get Welshy to show some enthusiasm in a groupon deal to get SAGE qualifications.
Failed as I knew I would.
Confirmation of my blood test for the medical trial.
Came home, sat in the bath and read an entire book for two hours. Came out and then tried to get my shit together for riding tomorrow. Except there's huge tears leaking from my eyes. Because I can't find my black jods? I don't know. I have at least two other pairs of jods.
Huge tears, without sobbing and pain in my chest and stomach. I feel like I've eaten too much junk and am going to be sick.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to be one of those people who sail through life without any problems or dramas. I wish that was me and I feel bad cos hundreds of people the world over would wish to have the life I live.
Urgh. I will go to bed early and then hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. It will be a better day because I will be going riding and it means Welshy will be home in 4 days.
Did little work today, dicked about online. Tried to get Welshy to show some enthusiasm in a groupon deal to get SAGE qualifications.
Failed as I knew I would.
Confirmation of my blood test for the medical trial.
Came home, sat in the bath and read an entire book for two hours. Came out and then tried to get my shit together for riding tomorrow. Except there's huge tears leaking from my eyes. Because I can't find my black jods? I don't know. I have at least two other pairs of jods.
Huge tears, without sobbing and pain in my chest and stomach. I feel like I've eaten too much junk and am going to be sick.
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to be one of those people who sail through life without any problems or dramas. I wish that was me and I feel bad cos hundreds of people the world over would wish to have the life I live.
Urgh. I will go to bed early and then hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. It will be a better day because I will be going riding and it means Welshy will be home in 4 days.
Sunday, March 09, 2014
I have an interview lined up for Thursday and I plan on doing my blood test for this trial as well then.
Mother is home but plans on going away again come Wednesday. Temporarily halting my job search just until I know what happens with this, if I will be locked away for two weeks.
I went up to Derbyshire yesterday to see TP. We had a lovely stroll with her dogs around Chatsworth Estate. Ended up telling her more than I wanted to about all the dramas that have been going on.
God I love the country, so wild and fields and woods as far as I can see when I looked out of my bedroom window this morning.
I wish Welshy could be convinced that its the way forward.
Lovely evening with her, and the dogs and mildly jealous that she can live in such a big house on her own on what cannot be a good wage.
Went across for the FA cup quarter final in Sheffield after that and the least said the better.
Home and there was no food for me, no food for breakfast tomorrow and nothing for my lunch at work.
Instantly putting me into depression.
I feel restless, lost somehow. I am doing this medical trial for me and Welshy. I plan on trying to do more/others. I hate medicine, resent taking my contraceptive pill (incidently its nearly 4 months since I misguidedly stopped it and nothing has happened. Should I go to the doctors? The one thing I'm fair confident about is at least I can't be pregnant but surely something should have happened now? More reason as to why I hate medicines, nasty chemicals in my body fucking it up.)
Of course I will counteract this by saying obviously some medicines are super important and essential but I try to even avoid taking paracetamol for a headache. Yet here I am preparing to lock myself away and be deliberately infected with an flu-like illness and then given some experimental drug to see what happens.
It is safe, I am sure of that. And I may get the placebo control stuff which will be vitamins at most.
Unfortunately I cannot see any way of making a change to the life we lead now and therefore this is the only way to go about it.
Selling my body for science.
I feel changed now. Feel I am even less carefree than I was before. I need change. And this is as good a way as any to make it happen.
Mother is home but plans on going away again come Wednesday. Temporarily halting my job search just until I know what happens with this, if I will be locked away for two weeks.
I went up to Derbyshire yesterday to see TP. We had a lovely stroll with her dogs around Chatsworth Estate. Ended up telling her more than I wanted to about all the dramas that have been going on.
God I love the country, so wild and fields and woods as far as I can see when I looked out of my bedroom window this morning.
I wish Welshy could be convinced that its the way forward.
Lovely evening with her, and the dogs and mildly jealous that she can live in such a big house on her own on what cannot be a good wage.
Went across for the FA cup quarter final in Sheffield after that and the least said the better.
Home and there was no food for me, no food for breakfast tomorrow and nothing for my lunch at work.
Instantly putting me into depression.
I feel restless, lost somehow. I am doing this medical trial for me and Welshy. I plan on trying to do more/others. I hate medicine, resent taking my contraceptive pill (incidently its nearly 4 months since I misguidedly stopped it and nothing has happened. Should I go to the doctors? The one thing I'm fair confident about is at least I can't be pregnant but surely something should have happened now? More reason as to why I hate medicines, nasty chemicals in my body fucking it up.)
Of course I will counteract this by saying obviously some medicines are super important and essential but I try to even avoid taking paracetamol for a headache. Yet here I am preparing to lock myself away and be deliberately infected with an flu-like illness and then given some experimental drug to see what happens.
It is safe, I am sure of that. And I may get the placebo control stuff which will be vitamins at most.
Unfortunately I cannot see any way of making a change to the life we lead now and therefore this is the only way to go about it.
Selling my body for science.
I feel changed now. Feel I am even less carefree than I was before. I need change. And this is as good a way as any to make it happen.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Well I passed the first section of the medical trial, next step is to arrange a blood test. I'm still unsure how I'm going to pass away my up to two weeks in hospital. We'll figure that bit out when/if I get there.
If this works out I could get up to 3,750 quid for it. Which would pay for Mum's car should I pass the test, it would be enough for a horse.
Or more sensibly it would be a sizeable chunk for a deposit anywhere or be savings should it be ages before I get a job again.
I'm assuming that I will be going in 8 days time..... and no feasible interviews lined up.....
If this works out I could get up to 3,750 quid for it. Which would pay for Mum's car should I pass the test, it would be enough for a horse.
Or more sensibly it would be a sizeable chunk for a deposit anywhere or be savings should it be ages before I get a job again.
I'm assuming that I will be going in 8 days time..... and no feasible interviews lined up.....
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Another busy week. Riding. Gym-ing, driving, All going well, I'm still a bit struggling with getting over a new bout of loss of nerve after the rear the other week, but its ok.
Driving too. My stupidity meant I got the days muddled up that I was supposed to go do my driving theory test so that was 30 quid down the drain and unable to go again now for nearly a month.
Second lesson last Wednesday, practised bay parking and emergency stops, all went well, my old nemesis parallel parking went badly, not badly bad just not accurate and close to the kerb enough.
Went out with the N.M.M.C.A.S.C plus one to Leicester and had a lovely time with the boys ending in a bar drinking ice cream cocktails and beer on the way home.
Next Saturday I am going to see TP of which I am hugely excited about and then Charlton are playing Sheffield in the quarter-finals of the FA cup. I can see it being a game too far for us but it'll be a nice excuse to see TP and hang out with the boys.
What else is new?
Well I decided to put myself on the council housing list. I'm expecting to be turned down. In fact i'm 95% sure I will but its the only way of escape I can see at the moment.
I also applied for a medical trial so we'll see what happens there. Pays well for a week in hospital!
I have this week left at work and next as well and then I don't know whats happening. I really need to get some interviews lined up although its not through want of trying!
Welshy is home on the 15th and the end of the month will be a year playing with Vimto!
Driving too. My stupidity meant I got the days muddled up that I was supposed to go do my driving theory test so that was 30 quid down the drain and unable to go again now for nearly a month.
Second lesson last Wednesday, practised bay parking and emergency stops, all went well, my old nemesis parallel parking went badly, not badly bad just not accurate and close to the kerb enough.
Went out with the N.M.M.C.A.S.C plus one to Leicester and had a lovely time with the boys ending in a bar drinking ice cream cocktails and beer on the way home.
Next Saturday I am going to see TP of which I am hugely excited about and then Charlton are playing Sheffield in the quarter-finals of the FA cup. I can see it being a game too far for us but it'll be a nice excuse to see TP and hang out with the boys.
What else is new?
Well I decided to put myself on the council housing list. I'm expecting to be turned down. In fact i'm 95% sure I will but its the only way of escape I can see at the moment.
I also applied for a medical trial so we'll see what happens there. Pays well for a week in hospital!
I have this week left at work and next as well and then I don't know whats happening. I really need to get some interviews lined up although its not through want of trying!
Welshy is home on the 15th and the end of the month will be a year playing with Vimto!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
I am enjoying how busy my week has been. I've been doing something every night and this week looks like the same.
Riding didn't go as well. She did a proper rear on Friday which scared me and today was very windy and i was on edge from the other day so didn't push through it. But I didn't get off, so its a positive.
Football and we won and now i'm really looking forward to the game at Leicester on Saturday.
Found a few jobs to apply for and i'll crack on with those, they have long expiry dates so i'll leave them a bit longer so I can feel justified in adding this work now into the mixture.
15 work days left! Gotta get something lined up for it just in case it doesn't get extended.
Riding didn't go as well. She did a proper rear on Friday which scared me and today was very windy and i was on edge from the other day so didn't push through it. But I didn't get off, so its a positive.
Football and we won and now i'm really looking forward to the game at Leicester on Saturday.
Found a few jobs to apply for and i'll crack on with those, they have long expiry dates so i'll leave them a bit longer so I can feel justified in adding this work now into the mixture.
15 work days left! Gotta get something lined up for it just in case it doesn't get extended.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
So far it'#s been a good week!
Temping has been going ok, very quiet compared to what I've gotten used too, but I need that at the moment I think. Commuting has been predictably hellish but what can you do?
I went to the gym on Monday - Go me!
And riding was awesome, more canter legyields and spirals and shallow loops, lots to work on but yay.
I went for my "first" driving lesson tonight! Glad to know I hadn't forgotten most of it, my first night drive too!
Applied for a few more jobs and booked train tickets for me and the N.M.M.C.A.S.C to go up to Leicester next weekend!
Now I just need to get paid as I'm painfully aware I'm a bit poor lately!
Temping has been going ok, very quiet compared to what I've gotten used too, but I need that at the moment I think. Commuting has been predictably hellish but what can you do?
I went to the gym on Monday - Go me!
And riding was awesome, more canter legyields and spirals and shallow loops, lots to work on but yay.
I went for my "first" driving lesson tonight! Glad to know I hadn't forgotten most of it, my first night drive too!
Applied for a few more jobs and booked train tickets for me and the N.M.M.C.A.S.C to go up to Leicester next weekend!
Now I just need to get paid as I'm painfully aware I'm a bit poor lately!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
A busy week, had a meeting with a temping agency and it seemed to go well and I have a meeting with a national diabetes charity tomorrow. Goes well and I start immediately for a 4-6 week temping gig. Money is the same as what I would have got at the last job so I don't lose out any and it will keep me running while I look for something else. I must remain focused on that so it doesn't creep up on me and I find myself with nothing to go to.
I rode this week and have been absolutely soaked each time. Good session with my trainer today which made me happy. I did a gym induction too! I went on Thursday but haven't been since. The plan is to try and go on the days I don't go play horses.
Welshy is away for a month now anyway so I need to keep myself busy!
Speaking of keeping busy I start driving lessons again this week! Thursday! And I booked myself into a theory test on the 26th.
I'm going to smash it this time.
We did some tidying and got drunk on Friday night. Daring each other to try a bottle of gin that expired in 1992.
Yesterday we went for a meal at Burger or Steak, the meal was ok, the setting was ok but the waiting staff were rubbish.
Very tired now and I need to do some revision for this so I am prepared for tomorrow.
I rode this week and have been absolutely soaked each time. Good session with my trainer today which made me happy. I did a gym induction too! I went on Thursday but haven't been since. The plan is to try and go on the days I don't go play horses.
Welshy is away for a month now anyway so I need to keep myself busy!
Speaking of keeping busy I start driving lessons again this week! Thursday! And I booked myself into a theory test on the 26th.
I'm going to smash it this time.
We did some tidying and got drunk on Friday night. Daring each other to try a bottle of gin that expired in 1992.
Yesterday we went for a meal at Burger or Steak, the meal was ok, the setting was ok but the waiting staff were rubbish.
Very tired now and I need to do some revision for this so I am prepared for tomorrow.
Monday, February 10, 2014
The funeral today went reasonably well.
Luckily there was no dramatics and all very civil. I did a reading. Moment of panic when my script was different to Aunt G who was doing the other section.
Afterwards Uncle I gave me a ring. "To remember Granddad by." I don't wear jewellery and I don't need a ring to remember him. It is pretty nice to be fair though, garnet and zirconia. Red and White for football.
Where did the money to get it come from? Why didn't they give me something for Brat? Did everyone get the same thing? Too many questions.
Too nice to wear everyday even if I did wear jewellery and its slightly too big for me. I would lose it in a muck heap or something.
I had to hide it from Mother, will have to continue to hide it.
Luckily there was no dramatics and all very civil. I did a reading. Moment of panic when my script was different to Aunt G who was doing the other section.
Afterwards Uncle I gave me a ring. "To remember Granddad by." I don't wear jewellery and I don't need a ring to remember him. It is pretty nice to be fair though, garnet and zirconia. Red and White for football.
Where did the money to get it come from? Why didn't they give me something for Brat? Did everyone get the same thing? Too many questions.
Too nice to wear everyday even if I did wear jewellery and its slightly too big for me. I would lose it in a muck heap or something.
I had to hide it from Mother, will have to continue to hide it.
Friday, February 07, 2014
I got sacked on Wednesday. It was a little unsurprising but yet surprising at the same time. I get paid till the end of the month and can have a good reference.
I cried.
I'm trying to make this a positive thing. I was stressed there, constantly battling to hit the targets and please people that never could be pleased. Its one less thing to worry about.
On Monday I had to meet my Aunts and Uncles to talk Funeral. I felt guilty. I didn't tell Mother I was going. I felt that was for the best. They told me what music would happen, they previously said I could say a few words if wanted but it turns out they had written a script/terrible poem for me to talk about.
I don't care. I just want this over as painlessly and peacefully as possible.
Mother has taken my sacking well. I planned to just take it easy until Tuesday, after the funeral but of course she is busy fretting about the money she is missing out on from me and will continue to miss out on.
I got more fucking sympathy from my riding trainer who hugged me today.
I've applied for a few jobs, but yes. I'm tired, exhausted and speaking frankly. So stressed I've not had a period in 4 months - and I'm definitely sure I'm not pregnant!!!
This is positive. No more leaving the house at 7 and getting home at ten or even twenty past 7. I've booked my theory test. I have joined a gym. I will get another job soon - sooner than the last time I was unemployed I'm sure!
I will cram in as many driving lessons as I can in this period. I have applied for 9 or 10 jobs already and not even looked properly.
Tuesday I will make appointments to sign on, will speak to the recruitment guy who got me this job.
People kept phoning me previous to this bombshell to ask me to interview and I turned them down.
I will not cry and be weak.
I will not cry.
I cried.
I'm trying to make this a positive thing. I was stressed there, constantly battling to hit the targets and please people that never could be pleased. Its one less thing to worry about.
On Monday I had to meet my Aunts and Uncles to talk Funeral. I felt guilty. I didn't tell Mother I was going. I felt that was for the best. They told me what music would happen, they previously said I could say a few words if wanted but it turns out they had written a script/terrible poem for me to talk about.
I don't care. I just want this over as painlessly and peacefully as possible.
Mother has taken my sacking well. I planned to just take it easy until Tuesday, after the funeral but of course she is busy fretting about the money she is missing out on from me and will continue to miss out on.
I got more fucking sympathy from my riding trainer who hugged me today.
I've applied for a few jobs, but yes. I'm tired, exhausted and speaking frankly. So stressed I've not had a period in 4 months - and I'm definitely sure I'm not pregnant!!!
This is positive. No more leaving the house at 7 and getting home at ten or even twenty past 7. I've booked my theory test. I have joined a gym. I will get another job soon - sooner than the last time I was unemployed I'm sure!
I will cram in as many driving lessons as I can in this period. I have applied for 9 or 10 jobs already and not even looked properly.
Tuesday I will make appointments to sign on, will speak to the recruitment guy who got me this job.
People kept phoning me previous to this bombshell to ask me to interview and I turned them down.
I will not cry and be weak.
I will not cry.
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