How on Earth do you get people to realise your brother is a selfish cunt without sounding like you're a 14 year old whiny brat?

I'm sick of it. I give my Mother a quarter of what I "earnt" through JSA, I do the washing, the hoovering, the tidying away of tea things, of the breakfast things. I fold clothes and I tidy after everyone. I run errands for her and him, I empty the bins and weed the garden and cut the grass when the rain isn't lashing down. I did all this even when I worked and Boy was unemployed for a year and didn't give her any rent.

But its not enough. No thanks for giving her the money that I/we can't afford to give her, even though she's made no mention of us giving her rent, its been hinted at and it wasn't my fault that the JSA didn't give me anything for six weeks.

I came home yesterday after a lovely afternoon with Sunnypony, to find one of her friends lurking in the kitchen. Her friend informed me that they'd made a list of things that I can do around the house when Mother goes away for a month to Lanzarote. I was a bit stung at this, and pointed out that its all stuff I do anyway.

Apparently I'm also to fully weed and cut the grass tomorrow (today) as its now nice for a few days rather than the odd bits I've been doing. Again Boy isn't to do any of this. I asked what he'd be doing to help and got the smirk and the "told you." to her friend.

Later at dinner it got broached again and I asked what Boy would do and was told "nothing, he's working." I  said that he couldn't work 24/7 and that I did all of the above when I was working.

But I just sound like a brat, a selfish brat and as she comments enough when I say these things, that "I'm frightened I'll do more to help around the house than he does." That "If you're not working, you can do these things as you have the time on your hands."

So. How is it she's forgotten, or failed to notice that he spent that unemployed year drunk? That I did all these chores when I was working, that I do them all anyway? How does she fail to notice that he hasn't given her two months rent money and that's the reason she's had to cut back on her shopping? ~And going back several years now, how can she forget or fail to see, the time I spent with Dad, the time I spent running about the hospital when she was ill, when he didn't visit her at all? How can she not notice that he left me to struggle home on the bus with seventy pounds worth of shopping because he threw a strop about taking me there?

She says he helped. Before. I would have ended up agreeing, thinking that she was right, that I was a selfish brat. That he did help, that once again I was an awful person, self-centred. Now. Welshy sees these things, he can't say anything, can't butt in. And sometimes I wish it was the other way, because then I didn't see the unfairness of it all, just believed it all.

Now I try to defend myself and I sound like a whiny, petulant brat, just like i'm doing now. I'm 29 in a month. I shouldn't be acting like a brat or feeling like one. I shouldn't be living at home, I shouldn't be careerless and drifting. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for going out and leaving her home alone. I shouldn't be made to feel worthless. The way they make me feel like I'm an awful spoilt brat.

So, unsurprisingly got rejected from the job in Bromley. Severe lack of potential interviews at the moment and still waiting for news from that dental job although the longer I wait the more I'm sure its no good.
My JSA money has been sorted out! Huzzah!
Pony fun is going ok Had a huge set back the other Saturday but then I rode Monday and he was good. I now have an arena to work in! And am toying with the idea of taking him to a introductory dressage competition.
Welshy is going to Germany to work for a week in two weeks or so and i'm only awaiting one more set of Olympic tickets to come! Hurrah!

Apparently I've been rejected from applying to go on BBC's Mastermind. Apparently Welshy applied on my behalf drunkenly in Spain. My Specialist subject was going to be "Glittery things".
Scored free tickets though to watch it being filmed subject to my travelling to Salford though!

Welshy came home Saturday, yay!
I went on a nice chilled hack on Sunday in which we battled road sign monsters hidden in the undergrowth and walked through a Tunnel Of Terror in which the water was ankle deep on the pony, bearing in mind that he most definitely doesn't like getting his delicate hooves wet, the fact that we eventually got him walking over it and indeed leading the way was an achievement.

Time to start job hunting again, see where we get this week. E is making me laugh, she keeps complaining about hating her job but seems to do very little in the way of actually looking for others. Anyway she reckons she's going to quit in time for the Olympics and just live off of her savings for a bit as she'd not be entitled to jobseekers. She's so tight with her money I can't see it happening, but! Stranger things have happened!

I wish I had more money. There's currently a £225 body protector, top of the range and top of the safety league on offer for 40 online. I can't really justify a new credit card purchase as my bill at the start of this month was 850, plus I put 50 on for my cross country ticket and today I cracked and put 400 on it for my season ticket.
It will take forever to pay off so I need to be strict and remember that I already have a body protector, albeit over 10 years old and in need of replacement. (same with my hat really!!) Hopefully I'll be able to see another such good offer once the JSA comes and I can pay off some credit cardness

Went to Bromley for an interview today. Probably wasn't best to answer the question of "Why should I employ you?" With "Because I'm awesome."

Yeah. Good skills, Charbs!

Also. Disgustingly. I was on the road by the company and on the floor was a dead collared dove half grown chick and a pigeon. Not just dead, by falling whatever. No the heads were missing and just nasty bloody stumpy spines poking out of their necks. How gross. Someone/thing must have ripped their heads off. Wasn't an animal.

 I emailed the dental practise back regarding the second interview I went on and they're STILL considering their options.
Stupid company. Looks like I've failed in my vow to get employed by the time Welshy returns from Austria! (6pm tomorrow!!!)

Ho hum. ALSO! THIS time next month I'll be on my way back from Olympic Dressage. WHEEEEEEEE!!!!

Two more sleeps. Wheee!

Its been such a hot, humid and muggy day here. Up in the midlands apparently there's been storms and hail! And flash flooding! Its the end of the world. A Day when I should be preparing for my interview tomorrow has resulted in me planning a solo hacking route, visiting The Job Centre again and still getting no where with the money I need from them.
I went to see Granddad afterwards. Unfortunately it seems Alzheimers is catching and he is deteriorating rapidly. Not yet to the same extent as Nan (who I can no longer visit as she doesn't recognise me and gets agitated by that fact, so its not fair on her) but it will happen to him as well.

Positive news though. I have this interview, still waiting to hear back from the others, applied for a shitload more this week and heard from the twins who are going to Southend in a fortnight and want to meet.
And tomorrow marks one month until I get to achieve a life-long dream and go to the Olympics! And get to see three days of horsey adventure. I can hardly wait.

Also! Two more sleeps! Yay!

Hmmm.. I thought to myself. It's a bit sunny out, but cloudy. I'd best put some sun cream on.
So I coated the pony's nose and muzzle in it, while he tried his hardest to lick it off.

Did I think of doing it to myself? Fuck no. Am I paying the price now? Fuck yes.

4 more sleeps till Welshy comes home, hurrah!
Off to play with Sunnypony tomorrow! Double Hurrah!
Went to the shops and brought two bikinis and amazingly neon green bra and pants - triple Hurrah! (if only I had a holiday to go to!)
Got paid for my work trial, money not so drastically needed! Quadruple Hurrah.

Forgetting that I was supposed to sign on yesterday and finding out they refuse to give me any money until Welshy comes home and want to dock a weeks JSA anyway because of this??
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octruple (is that a word?) Boooo's!

Another interview lined up this week Whoop Whoop. Applied for another job as well. Still waiting for the one I had last week to get back to me. TBH am starting to think its a no go if they've not bothered to reply.
We went out on penalties. Such an average side.

I thought out of interest I should see what I've been doing on this day (or as close as) since I started this. (boredom avoidance tactic ahoy!)
Anyway.

This time in 2004, I was preparing to leave the house I shared with MH and CL. Incidentally the night before England lost to Portugal in Euro 2004! Postiga! Me and MH ended up in hospital after someone threw a bottle at her.
 The next day I learnt Dad's cancer was terminal.

A year later I was still unemployed, living at home, lost and lonely, missing everything and everyone I had left in Derby. Deeply miserable, not knowing what to do for the best. Who to help first. Longing for help myself. On the 28th I took another driving test and failed. I was wondering if this was as good as it got. Whether that would have been the highlight of my life.

2006 saw me working in The Health Food Shop that Shall Remain Nameless and Volunteering at the London Aquarium. I loved my fishy friends there! I was preparing for a promotion at work but never got it, on the 28th I went to The Tower of London. I'd just been to Derby and was bemoaning the fact that everything changed. H2 was pregnant! CL had just got engaged to UDOBF! It was another World Cup Year and me and Welshy had become friends and it was only months until his confession. Me and E were idly planning our trip to NZ and had been to Iceland and Ireland.

2007 and me and Welshy had gotten our act together and had spent the night in a hotel in Covent garden after a hugely random night out. I was working in the Museum as a seasonal after returning from New Zealand and this happened.

2008 and my world was rocked again with the news that my Granddad had cancer. I'd been to a Lock-in with Welshy and some of his friends. Blogging began to take a back seat as my days were full. Welshy moved back to London soon after.

2009 and I vowed to get out of a rut. the 19th of June saw me decide to re-enrol to take my Maths GCSE again. I made these vows.


1 - I will either own my own place or be living away from home.
2 - I will have that maths GCSE.
3 - And a horse.
4 - I'll have a good job to pay for said horse.
5 - I'm gonna go back to the old driving and very determinedly pass the damn test.


Well, so far I got the GCSE! The rest is up for debate!


I hardly posted in June 2010, but I was living in the Isle of Dogs with Welshy and Flatmates from hell. We'd been to India. and I was preparing for my GCSE exam. I'd fallen out with MH over a year ago and suddenly had heard that she was expecting a sperm donor child.

2011. Last year! I'd just returned from a holiday in the Lake District and been to R's wedding. What a fab night and holiday that was! I had no idea that three months time would see me pack up and move to Spain! I'd been accepted onto the MSc Course (Just finished the first stage of it! - Probably last stage as well!) and me and Welshy had booked a trip to Vegas!

What a nice way of looking back on everything and seeing my moods, interests and whims at the time!

So had my second stage interview and am still waiting to hear. First they told me it would be the day after the interview. Then the Friday. Now I'm wondering if I was rejected or if I need to be more patient and see what happens.
Still not got any JSA money. I'm starting to struggle for pennies. I have 70 quid left until the end of my overdraft. I desperately need that money to come in soon and the money I am owed for the week trial I did at Eurostars.
No idea when any of that will come through. Am assuming that the Eurostars money will come on Friday if its not stuck in limbo somewhere with the Natwest problems.
Have another meeting at the JSA on Tuesday, not the one I need before I can get any money off of them.

Welshy comes home on Saturday, am looking forward to it immensely. Its been nice to have that space but I miss him now, bothering me all the time.

Riding Sunny has been hit and miss, we had a lovely three hour hack a week ago and a really nice schooling session on Monday after my interview, we're working on teaching him half halts which is a way of getting the horse's attention, to pause and slow his pace momentarily and prepare for another change, either into canter or downwards. I really felt like he was starting to get somewhere and we had a lovely session.

Friday... Hmm. I learnt he doesn't like being ridden in the wind and the rain, he was very nappy and threatening to buck the whole time. I built some trotting pole exercises and tried to make it into a small jump just so he did something different and doesn't get bored of the same exercises but to be honest. It was just written off. He wasn't happy about being ridden and made it quite clear. He's a baby still and I need to make allowances for this, perhaps I should have taken him for a trot down the lane instead of forcing him.

I spent today making a nice table in Excel so I can chart his progress and what I plan on teaching him and things I aim to achieve with him each month (a jumping class, some countryside rides etc)

Handed my last uni essay in. I hope it gets a decent mark. I failed the previous essay. Yuck. Depression Central.

10 minutes to go and then this England game is heading to penalties.....

Things are good. Getting better. Had an interview last Wednesday. Just had email asking if I can come for a second stage interview on Monday, bit nervous about that as its an "assessment" apparently.
Had a lovely day hanging at the yard with Sunny yesterday. He's a lot better to ride although annoyingly nappy still when he sees the gate. I enquired into the possibility of someone showing me hacking routes. Looking forward to that.
I did cut my fingers to shit on his field gate which has now swollen and gone purple, very attractive when I have an interview to prepare. Hope it heals soon.
Welshy is still in Austria, been good to have him away, everything's gone a bit like it was originally when he was in Wales. Looking forward to his return though in two weeks.
 Met the boys for football on Monday and England play again tonight. Happy days.

Tedious apparently.

When I met you, it was clear that you were ill. Mentally ill. I pitied you, I recognised such things. Believed I could help. You tell me I did, that I taught you how to live life and enjoy it.
I'm ill too you know. But you tell me i'm self-pitying. That I'm tedious. I am. I realise this. I fight just as hard as you do.
Lately. I'm not winning. Maybe it's being back here. Maybe its the fear that you've never understood, but its suddenly paralysing me. I'm frightened. I had a panic attack last night about getting on a plane. I don't even have a fucking flight booked.
I see people in the street and I know I have done more than they have with their lives, that I have more to fight for. But I see other people, the old people shuffling down the road and I ache for them. I wonder if they remember the joys of skipping through puddles, and to go out with abandon. I pity the people who have nothing left and I am so scared that will be me. You know what I'm scared of. You've never understood it. But I fear the days that I have now, of nothing to leave the house for. No more holidays, No more adventures. No more friends. Of being alone. Of dying. Of dying alone.
I'm 28, I shouldn't be feeling this way. You know I have for a long time, since I was 9 when I realised I wasn't immortal.
Lately, this is weighing on me. A pain in my chest. I spent a day in bed in San Adrian. I wanted to tell you then, except I knew your reaction. Today, tonight I told you and I got the reaction I expected.
I cried. I cry now. I've grown soft and weak. I felt like I did when I tried to tell Mother about being unhappy at school and she told me I was worthless.
If I'm supposed to be able to tell you anything, then why do you react this way? I can't tell you. Sometimes I feel even though you're sat next to me, as lonely as I did before you come along.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being sucked into this black hole, of the way I get treated by the others in my family. You're right. I do believe I'm shit. Currently. I fought through this once, twice, many times before and I will again. But its hard. Hard when I'm treated like they do, hard when you tell me I'm too boring and dull now. The ways you try and motivate me it doesn't work. I just feel worse.
It doesn't help. You don't help. I suffer from things the way you do too. Remember that.

I really need to leave the house. Except I can't bear the kids off on their half term holidays. Today I spent the day looking up New Forest pony genetics. Not even remotely related to the uni course I'm doing (this month, Nutrition and Digestion).
I did apply for a few jobs today though, and started a new Jobseekers application.

Enjoyed a nap around 2pm as well.

Going to visit Sunny Pony again on Wednesday. I plan some hardcore schooling, am going on Sunday too. Hopefully I can convince Mother to come and either critique what I'm doing (she has some uses!) or to walk along with us if we go for a ride in the woods.
I fear that could be a bit naughty as he's not been out on his own before and doesn't like leaving his chums. So to have her there as something that he can take a lead from would be useful. Or to drag him along while I do pony club kicks and try to keep him moving forwards!

So I don't really know what to put. I'm not returning to the NMM. I can't really tell you why, Needless to say I've had a harsh lesson in internet naivety and trust.
Welshy was called up to go to Austria for a month by this company again last week. The thing about Austria is that its close to a lot of different countries. He'll be racking them up while I'm here counting pennies.
He also got a call on Friday from a recruitment agency wanting to pass his details on to a company in Richmond. Obviously he is in Austria for the month but we'll see if they get in touch upon his return.

Me? Well I've applied for a job with the Natural History Museum, still waiting to hear back from TFL and the Houses of Parliament job. I've spent most of this week, in an outraged funk, considering whether I can get in touch with citizens advice, or whether I should suck it up and move on.

I rode Sunny Pony on Thursday. He's a little dick of a pony. He put in a couple of little bucks as soon as I got him into the field and then was rude the rest of the time I rode.
I only popped on for 10/15 minutes. To be honest I was uncomfortable riding him, he'd not had any exercise apart from turnout for over two weeks. I did consider not getting on him, but felt obliged.
He did produce a few strides of good trot and we finished on a good note, where I was walking up back to the gate and he kept rushing back so, i'd turn him in a big circle and we spiraled our way back to the gate, by the end however he did walk sensibly up so we ended it there.
I had to be very forceful and rough with him though, because of his lack of manners. I hated that, I've never been a member of the "yank and kick" school of riding and especially not on a small pony just starting his training. But I needed to do it.
He's not dangerous, just naughty, having toddler tantrums in a hope that it means he can avoid work. I'm not soft enough to let him get away with this. THAT will result in a dangerous pony. Certainly not one that's supposed to be a child's first pony.

Oh yes. Yesterday Me and Welshy were discussing that if we managed to get work, we should go back to India for a week in the New Year and then a week on the Anaman Islands before moving on to Thailand for a week.

NEED WORK THOUGH!!!!!

Just two more days at that place to go. Today wasn't too bad, just deadly boring. I was taking card payments, a fiddly process.
Come Monday I go back to the NMM, and I can get my rosta and then plan a time to go ride Sunny Pony for the first time :)
Yay!
I got some good schooling books to give me some ideas about what to do with him, although I think to begin with I shall take it easy, do some inhand walks (he's never hacked out alone before), a little schooling and some bomb-proofing maybe. Let him get to know me, and get confidence in me.
I'm planning to arrange a lesson with the lady who broke him (isn't that a horrid word?) in next week. She rides at Advanced Medium Dressage and is a BSJA so higher than any instructor I've had. I'm hoping to learn loads off of her.
I can't wait for this week to be over. I'm a bit confused as I applied for a receptionists job but this week I've just done admin.
Ho. Hum.
Still I can put this into a CV and big it up for further job applications I guess. Welshy is home on Saturday from his adventure in remote Austria. It sounds quite nice from what he says. Only 2,000 people. It makes San Adrian seem a thriving bustling city.

Oh God. I really can't face the idea of going back tomorrow. Can you have a fake sicky from a work trial?

Let me talk you through today. I had to finish off my task from yesterday. Only my 164 pages bred overnight to become 214. I had to place a plain white sticker on all of these, and match the form up with the correct students registration form.
So I got stuck in, adding the stickers as I went. My potential boss didn't like that method.
"No you have to put the stickers on before."
"Why?"
"That's the way I want it done."
So I shrugged, silently fumed and stuck all the stickers together and then started to match them up. I was left with about 100 stickered forms.
"what shall I do with these?" Expecting a place to store them.
"Oh shred them all."
Wow. So that irritated me. Not only is it a huge waste of my time but its a waste of resources. Poor trees!

So my next task was to open the mail and organise it, so I did, my office handles all the post for four different centres. Again doesn't seem the most efficient way of running things but ho hum.

There was a Polish girl working next to me, taking payments. She had a massive stack of paperwork and seemed to be one of only two people in an office of 6 that could answer the phone. So I asked her what to do with them. She said to start by checking all the information was there, payment, passport photos etc.
So while I was doing that Potential Boss asked me to answer the phone if anyone was calling and the two girls were busy.
Which, you know, I don't mind, although I was a bit put out, that no one else seemed to answer the phone and that she hadn't given me any information about what to say on the phone to people.
So I asked Polish girl when we went to lunch.
After Lunch she asked me to make sure all these people from the mail were in the register for the right centres. So I did that, changing the paperwork from pencil to pen and adding in if I needed.
So I did that, that occupied me for most of the rest of the day, I felt good. I felt useful, I was helping her by answering the phone. I was getting work done. Proper work.
Then Polish girl had to take the banking away so Potential Boss decided to show me how to take payments. All going well, exactly the same as in Bookings at the NMM. Then after she'd taken the payment, she said about recording reciepts at the end of the day. Which seemed bad to me. I'd get confused. I'd put the wrong receipt with things. So I said why can't I do it as I go? Again seemed more logical to me.
"Oh no, that's not the way we do it."
Fixing me with a steely look.
She then looked at the pile that looked like it was threatening to engulf the table. Taking one piece and holding it between her fingers.

Turns out I'd been doing it wrong, had to record what course they were doing, any medical needs and write more stuff on. Also I'd stapled them together wrong. So I had to take it all apart, rebuild her pile.
She didn't believe me when I said I hadn't been told all this, that some of the mistakes weren't mine.

Oh and because of this, the whole office left work 10 minutes late. People were angry with me

New job.

So I knew it'd be a bad day when I smashed a button against my finger getting dressed. It stung like shit.
Trying to get things sorted to go to work, and mums decided that suddenly its drastically important that she goes and orders a moonpig card for her friend's birthday. Despite already having got her a card.
So she bitches that I was rushing her and making her flustered but I was in a hurry! I only needed to print a damn form but it made me late. 
I got the bus full of schoolkids. One decided to drip his ice pole all down my leg. From 11.30 - 4pm I shredded 23 bin bags of paper. Then Then I looked through 164 sheets of paper to find 6. I then had to go through the stack again and put stickers on.Then my bus drove past me on the way home.  
Tomorrow my task is to match all 164 pieces of paper with the students register details. 
Helpfully both sets of papers are not in alphabetical order.

Still Roast dinner for tea and then a nice bath. 

Oh Welshy is in Austria teaching supply English classes. So not fair.

Sunny.

So I went to see Pony today. He was adorable. A newly turned 5-year old Liver chestnut with white socks and a stripe.
His owners are complete novices but very sweet seeming. They seem to think that I'd be able to give them all sorts of advice - like an expert! - and be able to ride him through his problems.
I didn't ride him then, he was a bit footy. He def needs his hooves trimmed and being a native is at risk of laminitis, they also suspect he has a bit of sweet itch too.
They kept telling me all his bad habits - which really are nothing considering his age. He just seems a typical cheeky pony who's getting away with a few naughty habits despite their attempts to be strict.
Anyway, hopefully I'm going to visit him again in a few days and then we'll ride. He apparently has a bit of a buck on him! I've ordered some good schooling books online and am looking forward to pottering about the countryside on him. Maybe we'll even get some jumps sorted, once all his flatwork is established.

Job Hunting.

So we've been job hunting both of us. We went to Reed recruitment and they offended Welshy greatly by telling him he was unemployable.
We've had mixed success, the usual amount of more rejections than invites for interviews. But Welshy had two for a data mining job, that he found out today he didn't get and a phone interview to another place.
He signed up for a job teaching TEFL as a supply and has been offered a chance to go to Austria next week for the week. He's mulling it over.
Also he's been offered an internship at another language school starting on the 1st of next month. Not what he wants but its a start.
And me? Well I had an interview for a receptionist's job in a school in Lee Green, going on a week's trial for that next week. Its not filling me with joy tbh. Mainly cos the moneys not great and I don't like the idea of places telling me when I can and can't go.
The NMM has finally sorted out when I can restart there, I only did it a month ago! Moving quickly for them! Lol. I only want to do three days a week there to get money coming in and to stop myself falling into the trap there.
What else? Oh yes, I applied for a job for TfL working as a receptionist in the taxi section. This was a month ago and THEY'RE still considering their options as to who to interview. But I consider it good that they emailed me today to ask me if I'd like to also be considered for a job working admin three days a week in another section. This'd be good as they pay masses better than the NMM and three days a week there means no weekends. Whoop Whooop!
So next week I go on trial at this school, the week after that I return to the NMM and I wait for TfL to get back to me - oh and I applied for a job at the Houses of Parliament, deadline for that is on the 25th. If I don't get an interview I will be outraged. I have everything they require for that job.
H2 and her kids came to visit at the weekend, we spent the day at the Transport Museum. Honestly I never realised it would amuse the kids for FOUR hours straight. Longer if she hadn't gotten bored!

Other news!

I answered an advert for someone looking to share their very green chestnut NF pony. Just 5 years old. I go to meet his owners at the weekend. I've done a bit of facebook stalking and that along with some of their photos and comments make me suspect that they are also novice owners. They seem very nice though. I'm looking forward to meeting him and meeting what I already consider my pony!

So life as an unemployed bum continues.
However I do have an interview on Wednesday, to do a Tues-Fri job as a receptionist at a language school in Lee Green. I can't tell you any more about it than that because I know nothing else. Can't even remember what the wage is. I saw it on the jobseekers website so can't be much pennies.
I applied for it during my resignation rage and that was over a month ago. Meh. We'll see what happens.
Two jobs that I have applied for, that I want though. One is for Transport for London, its ok money, local and best of all I get two free oystercards for free London travel. That would make me happy. I can't believe since starting this blog, fares on the bus have gone from 80p to a whopping 2.30-ish.
The other is to do gallery and tour guide work at the Houses of Parliament. I know I left the NMM vowing never to get back into that work again, but for 19k (3k a year more than what I left with, wage wise) starting salary (rising to 24k) no Sunday work and alternate Saturdays would suit me ok. Hopefully would work ok so I can go to football anyway :)

Speaking of football, my beloved Charlton gained promotion back to the Championship. I was very happy, but also sad as I have no money to afford to renew for next year.

Welshy also has an interview for "data mining" whatever that means. He's been trying to teach himself HTML with thanks from H2's husband. I hope he gets it. We went to a recruitment agency last week and the man told him he was unemployable and couldn't help him and he's been a bit depressed and mopey ever since.

Oh yes. Bored last week I did a bit of advert reading and responded to a woman who wanted someone to school her horse for her as she didn't have time. Free Horse Fun! Who could resist! So I replied telling her what I could and couldn't do, height/weight etc and where I was based and now I'm waiting a reply. I say waiting. Obsessively checking my email is more realistic!
I'm starting to fret that because I didn't give any details (other than my email address that I had to fill in when I applied) that she won't/can't get back to me.
More realistically, its because I'm not good enough for her pony.
I REALLY need a job so I can ride again. Spending my days reading Horse and Hound Forums and looking at ponies I can't afford to keep as of yet is not a suitable substitute for Pony Fun

And. Final good thing (for now) H2 + children are coming to visit next Saturday! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2 headed shark attack....

.... is the name f the film I'm currently watching. Its as amazing as the name suggests.

Anyhoo, today I went to see my pony friends hooved and footed. And here's the questions(s)

1. Where would you draw the line at, for riding I mean. I love it more than anything else in the world ever. But, when do you say its time to stop? My Mum quit after her car accident, she can't risk any more damage to her back and neck. But she misses it greatly. One of the Instructors at my old year broke her back falling off onto a pile of bricks. She was warned that any more damage could result in her being in a wheelchair for good. But she still rides. I wonder if it was me, whether I'd carry on or quit. Riding's an addiction pure and simple. A guy today fell from a horse, not the horses fault. He was doing a stretching exercise and simply lost balance and slipped. Turned out that he recently recovered from being in a wheelchair. Wouldn't that make you think. Yeah. I'll stay away from high-risk sports. I wonder if something like that might make me quit.
2. Do you think animals can feel guilt? Or shame? Or is that anthropomorphising a bit? I ask because when this rider came off and was paralysed unable to move, his horse stayed by his side. He could have wandered off anywhere, but stayed a few steps from his downed rider. The instructor was busy with injured man, so I nipped into the school and grabbed the horse. Poor Bo, instantly buried his head in my armpit and just looked so sorry and guilty, I had to keep petting him to cheer him up. 

My beautiful ship is all fixed again! :)
Remember this?

Its now repaired and back to normal. Opens again to the public on Thursday. 

I love *my* ship :)

Its a bit ridiculous that after a 10 hour sleep, and having been awake for just over an hour, I'm ready to do back to sleep.

I'n sure people told me there was a drought in the UK. How comes its rained virtually every day since we've been back?
This is all deadly familiar. Applying for jobs I fear I won't get. Feeling desperately unqualified for everything. Looking at jobs and dismissing them. I felt like this when I returned from Derby. Do you remember? Feeling lost and lonely and missing what I had.
Mum keeps on at me to go back to the NMM or apply for shop work, I don't want that. But there's that niggling feeling that perhaps thats the best I can aim for.
Welshy scorns me. Tells me I'm pathetic for feeling this way. How can I tell him when he doesn't understand? I don't want to. Am I imagining all this and being stupid and girly?
I don't want to go and work in the City and commute. I hate that. I feel it raising my blood pressure being jostled and pushed by busy rushing people.
I wish I could get a decently paid job locally and not commute. I want to leave London and not return. I want to be secure somewhere and not leave home and be forced to come back within a year or so.

This gloomy weather gets me down. I need to snap out of this and readjust to being at home again, being dependent on Mother's whims and moods. Convince myself that she's wrong and I can do more than what she expects of me. And wait for Welshy to come home and see what happens.......

Home again...

I don't even understand what's going on with Blogger now.

Anyway. I'm home from Spain. I'm absolutely heart broken about this. I love that Bumpkin Town. I love travelling 14 hours to get home. I love walking through the town square and being besieged by kids calling me.
I miss 2 euro bottles of wine and the honesty system in Anai, which led to us racking up whats possibly a 50e if not more bar bill because we kept forgetting to pay. I miss warm freshly made bread from Ogipan. I miss crazy people singing and dancing on the streets at 6am.
I miss three day weekends and I miss going to Calahorra for riding. I miss the sheer friendliness of the people. And the insanity of fiestas for Domestic Pets.
So why am I home? Two months earlier than planned?
We resigned. Our boss was crazy, forgetting to pay us, paying us a LOT less than what he initially promised when we left the UK. He dropped classes on us with no warning, meaning we had no plans ready. He interrupted classes and insisted on talking Spic to them.
Cracks appeared in mine and Welshy's relationship. We bicker a lot, but our arguments became serious. Drunkenly several times we discussed ending it. Sometimes I felt like there was a distance and I couldn't talk to him like I've always been able too.
It was hard. We're both independent people, we both drive each other crazy and we need our own space from each other. Suddenly we couldn't do that. We worked together, we lived together. We had no other friends, we couldn't go out without each other. The only break I got from him (and vice versa) was when I'd go for an hour to do a company class, or when I went for 3 hours on a Friday to ride.
It was stressful. He decided we needed to come home for our sanity, for our relationship to survive. Our boss had taken out a small argument with me, out on my class of 4 year olds, nearly reducing them to tears.
He blamed Welshy for him having to take a class, and both of us going home. That Welshy should have checked and confirmed this class with my boss. My boss has been taking this class since Feb. Three Months. As far as we were concerned there was no mistake with the timetable, but my boss felt there was. Conviently forgot that it was his class and then blamed us for it.
We fought that night and on Wednesday two weeks ago, I woke to the sound of Welshy writing his resignation letter. Mine followed shortly after. Our boss ignored the emails even though we knew he had read them and on Friday we were on holiday in Lisbon - a beautiful place - and we forced the issue, offering to go at the end of the week, to not work a notice.
Monday night we got the reply that he would meet us at 8am and discuss it. Tuesday 8.45, he knocks. We sign our resignation letters and that was it.
We took a weeks holiday in San Adrian and then drunkenly, sadly returned home a week ago.

So now what? I don't want to go back to the NMM. Welshy doesn't want to go back to Car Counting. So we're both signing on and applying for many things. The mother is pleased/angry that we are back, take your pick. She keeps talking about how she cant afford to keep us and how we need to do work about the place. Chores. I bite my tongue and try not to remind her that The Brat lived for a year on the dole and didn't pay rent, how he never helps about the house and how he can't be expected to help now as he's working, but yet I was still expected to do chores while I was working. Nothing changes there.....

I want to go back. I miss the lifestyle, the bumbling struggling attempts to speak Spanish. I miss going to different Spanish cities. I miss going to Camp Nou and the Bernabau. I miss discussing the football with the little kids. I miss playing with my Toddler students. I miss the fact that we didn't go out on an evening until 2am, instead of coming home at 12 and thinking I've had a good night. I miss coming home at 3am and seeing little old ladies just heading out for their night of fun to get started.

I miss the dust, the boredom, the being bemused by the culture and eccentricities of it all.

Welshy is visiting Wrexham now, it will do us good to have this break from each other. We'll see what happens when he comes back.

Yes. Here you can buy Barca crisps. Or even Real Madrid crisps if thats more your thing.

There's a new giant sweety shop thats opened up here over the xmas break. Still not sure i'm down with sweet shops selling pickles, onions and olives. Doesn't seem quite right.

Urk. Talking over last nights events and wondering why I stink so much of smoke, I realise that I drank a hefty amount of wine last night.

Not bad for someone who hates it normally.

Its 1am, me and welshy have just performed "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" on a table in front of a baying audience.

The town is full of fire. I can see at least 7 from where I am. We have returned from our invited party where we ate chops, TDR risked Pig Cheek. (horrible looking, greeny and reminded me of a cross between bacon and intestine).
My glasses got smashed by a misplaced football pass.
A man kept leaping through the BIGGEST fire shouting "Viva San Anton! Viva San Adrian!"

(Apparently he is the patron saint of animals)

Anyway, we left that about midnight. Walking by Ogipan Welshy gets hailed by a student. We join his party Welshy is told that "You speak English well. Not very Well, but well."

The man who's party this is, is trying to ride a fold up bike on one of those giant cotton reel type things, the kinda that you get in factories with cable on.
He earlier was trying to walk along it and nearly got run over. His girlfriend tried it and fell, hitting her head with a crack. She seems ok. 
Me and Welshy are curious as to whether we are the responsible adults in this party. 
Its fun shit like this that makes me love Spain and love this crazy ass town we live in. Surely nothing this fun can happen in a city like Madrid or Barca?
Its time to do some dancing I think.....

I am probably the only retarded person who is capable of walking into a fucking huge fuck off sign on a motorway. We were walking along the Road of Death to Calahorra, and I was looking down at my shoes, wondering if I should stop now to take a stone out, or should I wait a little longer till I was across the roundabout.

Looked up a little too late.... BANG..

Fucking OUCH!

TDR was full of concern. Welshy has seen too many stupid accidents of mine to be concerned and merely fell over laughing. I had a lump, a small cut and my nose hurt like shit.
I got across the road, laughing at my stupidity and then shot a lot of shit out of my nose. Certainly cleared me out!

Anyway, we had a little potter and dinner and then a walk amongst the old town in Calahorra.

Today I was cordially invited to "Fire Day". by one of the locals on Sunday. He announced that there will be much drink and much food.

I fear the fire I saw the other day was a prelude to this and I shall be burnt at the stake and eaten while the locals let their tails out of their trousers and dance about with pitchforks.

"Come to Spain Charby, its hot here."

Today its a whopping 2 degrees. In England its currently a heady 5....

After a day chilling out, I took TDR on a tour of the town today while Welshy got on with my Stats thats due in tomorrow.

We wandered about the town, took all of 5 minutes. I took him to see the school, I took him about the fields and we met Grey Pony.

Now, bored I decided to go to Ogipan and get a barra for our tea.
Walk down the street and there are men building a fuck off giant fire in the street and preparing some kinda barbeque. Its so dry here, I'm not sure fires are a good sign. If you hear of a town burning down in the news, that'll be San Adrian.

Either that or they're planning a ritual sacrifice of the infidel outsiders....

This is Spanish Christmas. Well they have recently started celebrating the 25th December as well (the kids tell me that they can have up to three presents depending on how their families choose to celebrate, Xmas eve, Xmas Day and Dia de reyes. [day of the kings]). This is to signify the day that the kings arrived at the manager to meet Baby Jesus.
It also happened to be the day me, Welshy and TDR (who is here to help while my bosses are collecting their baby in Vietnam) arrived back in Spain.
We didn't have any food in our cupboards, so went to Eroski to collect food. Bad times. Eroski was shut. So onwards to Ogipan, now even on fiesta days Ogipan bakery is open as it also doubles as a bar. Not today however.
So we went home and made a makeshift meal out of sweetcorn and mint matchmakers.

So. Traditional New Year round up.

High points of this year? Promotion at the Museum, Getting Olympic tickets (208 days to go!) my holidays to the Lake district and Vegas, leaving the Museum at last and moving to Spain.

I remember at the start of the year somehow knowing that this year would be different, that I wouldn't end it how it started and this has proved to be correct.

My Bucket list to achieve before I am 30, is reaching another target ticked with my slow, unsteady progress in Spanish. Welshy is more fluent than me, but I have been lazy practising. We're hoping to take the equivalent of a GCSE in May.

Our contract in Spain ends in June. I'm not sure what to do next. I kinda like the idea of staying in Spain for another year. Maybe not where we are now, I love the eccentricities of our town but 14 hours to get home is a bit much and its impossible for visitors to come.

If I am to progress onto year 2 of my course I need to try and get a new job, either in England or in Spain. To have at least that first k saved for the fees. I need to get CELTA qualified in order to help my job prospects if I go to Spain. There goes another grand.

But June is a long time away so there is plenty of time to decide whats best then.

Bad points to 2011? I'm not sure really. Nothing that affects me personally too much, of course The Crisis as those in Spain refers to the Economy. The Riots certainly weren't pleasant but nothing to bother me really.

No. I think 2011 is the first time in a long time where I can't think of any real bad point to the year.

So I won't tell it to Fuck Off. I'll wish it a pleasant farewell and now look eagerly forward to 2012.

I had a class today full of boys that love football, their grammar is pretty good but they lack any vocab, they clearly dont care about education at all and happily tell Welshy that they are being forced to repeat years and have been banned from x, y and Z classes.

Anyway we get on Ok-ish with them. For some reason today they all wanted to discuss their muscles and this involved me desperately trying to keep them on track as they wanted to arm wrestle.
Anyone one of them made a pretty unmistakable gesture and the other laughed in that kinda teenage boy way, and said that was why he had arm muscles.
So I whacked in "Wank" into Google translate and asked him if that was the reason.

Apparently he was miming going to the Gym.....

So got up early only to find that my early morning class didnt arrive.
I promised my noisy class that they could try peanut butter and marmite sandwiches this week as part of our food topic.
For the next hour, it resulted in kids running down the corridor to spit out their sandwiches into the toilet.

In our Spanish lesson today, we went and learnt how to play a popular card game with pesatas. Never seen a pesata before FYI.

Basic rules of the game is that you have 4 cards, can swap them once, then have 3 rounds of betting, for high card, low card and pairs. Then you bet on the nearest to 31 and then someone work out who won.
Spanish cards are funny looking. Like tarot cards.

We went out to watch Madrid V Barcelona. The score flattered Madrid.
We stayed out. I got drunk. I fell over in front of some of Welshys students.

This place really needs a decent take away to fulfill my salt craving. We ended up going to the only takeaway in the town where the man serving refused to believe that we were teachers and not working in one of the factories. 

I got a kebab, I asked for it plain, unfortunately plain here seems to mean drowning in salad cream. Gross. I took it home and rinsed every indivdual piece in the water and then felt violently ill for the rest of the night.

They eat thistles here in Spain. Gross.

Public holiday part two this week.

Welshy has a two hour lesson as one of his students is preparing for the FCE exam in English.

Me? No work. I'm slowly getting hammered on Tinto de verano and listening to Cliff Richard.

Yay.

Oh god, somehow I've brought tripe sausages....

Today - Tuesday and Thursday are public holidays here in Spain. No one can tell you what they are though. Saturday was a Saint's day. Today is the Immaculate Conception day? Thursday may be another Saint's day.
Who knows?
Anyway admitting defeat in the attempt to make pupils come on the holidays we just has lessons for the adults today.
Idiot boss arranged for us to meet him at 10.30 for a start at 11am.
10.15, our landlady comes to tell us that the lesson started at 10am.
*sigh*

Anyway it recovered OK and we ended up in one of the local bars ordering food, I tried pincha's which are bar snacks that you pay for unlike the free tapas.

Bad move. One was a battered calamari ring. The other was a battered hard boiled egg. With some kinda mayonnaise in it. The calamari was ok, the egg - revolting!

El Gordo

People here in Spain go crazy for this lottery. It means the Fat. (I think) When I was in Barcelona, people were in huge queues to pay for tickets. Welshy reported that people have admitted to spending thousands on tickets.
Even those who are unemployed.
Will in Barcelona also says that he has seen people paying for their lottery tickets with scrap metal.

So.

how much do you think the grand prize is? Bearing in mind all this mania, that tickets cost about a fiver?

4million.

Yeah. Alright 4 million isn't to be sniffed at, but I believe thats the same amount that you get on a Saturday night lotto jackpot at home?

Carmen is a spoilt brat of about 15/16, She thinks she is a big person in the town as her father owns the car dealership. If she is not happy with something she will phone her Mother to get her to complain.
She took today to mocking my accent, both in Spanish and in English, and said something clearly insulting about me in Spic.

I lost my temper.

"Carmen, you are the rudest, most unintelligent girl I have ever met."
"Que? What is rude?"
Javier looked it up in the dictionary. I thought she was going to faint.
"Miss Karran.... You... You insult me!"
"Yes Carmen, just like you insulted me, just now in Spanish. The way you insult my Spanish. You insult me by mocking my way of talking. You insult me by not doing your work or listening to what you have been told. You insult me by wasting my time."

From the look on her face no one has ever spoken to her in that way and she meekly got on with her work in silence.

Still alive I see?
Here I am to tell you about my trip to Vegas.
My Christ what a tiring place it is. A week, I found far too long. Welshy wanted to return home after 4 days. A friend just kept saying about wanting to go home and do the ironing.
Too many lights. Too much attacking your senses. Too much happening.
I liked the colours and lights. Cant get sick of those. Got attacked by Gamblor when it came to virtual Craps. And I played Roulette - a tenner on black. Didnt come through. Learnt how to play poker and won 80 dollars which pleased me.
I spent the money on cute underwear from Victoria's Secret. I like how they think I'm a D cup there.
We hired a muscle car, a chevy comarao and drove to the Hoover dam, We took a plane ride to the Grand Canyon. (how is it that all I can use to describe it sounds cliched? Its amazing. Awe-inspiring. etc.)
I rode a mustang western style-y along and saw a coyote.
We ate buffets at the Bellagio and Monte Carlo and ate sea food at Hurrah's. I challenged a friend and won a mechanical bull ride.
Me and Welshy fell out.
I got drunk and accosted a US Marine who looked far too young to be wearing the medals that he was "Did you get that one for colouring in? And knowing your 2x table?"
"No M'am. I got those for service in Iraq and Afghanistan."
My bad.
I brought amazing socks and lost all track of time and place in The Venetian and Caesar's place. 
I ate carrotcake cheesecake.
Me and Welshy dodged a bullet and didn't get married.
A strange Mexican stole my friends coat and then got drunk and passed out, the security at Monte Carlo put him to sleep in my friends bed. My friend and said Security guard beat the Mexican up when the mistake was realised.
I ate shitloads of macdonalds and discovered Denny's and decided I hate the way you have to add the tax on separately. I dont know how much tax is and if it changes for whatever you buy.
I hated tipping everyone. You've not provided me with superb service, why should I give you extra?
I watched the New England Patriots in Hooters (Big let down FYI)
I still think American Football is a stupid sport.

I did not sleep at all on the plane home convinced that if I did it would fall out of the sky.

Now I am back in sleepy Spanish Bumpkinville and its only 3 weeks till Xmas.

Hello all.

Still alive I see?

Here I am to tell you about my trip to Vegas.

My Christ what a tiring place it is. A week, I found far too long. Welshy wanted to return home after 4 days. A friend just kept saying about wanting to go home and do the ironing.

Too many lights. Too much attacking your senses. Too much happening.

I liked the colours and lights. Cant get sick of those. Got attacked by Gamblor when it came to virtual Craps. And I played Roulette - a tenner on black. Didnt come through. Learnt how to play poker and won 80 dollars which pleased me.

I spent the money on cute underwear from Victoria's Secret. I like how they think I'm a D cup there.

We hired a muscle car, a chevy comarao and drove to the Hoover dam, We took a plane ride to the Grand Canyon. (how is it that all I can use to describe it sounds cliched? Its amazing. Awe-inspiring. etc.)

I rode a mustang western style-y along and saw a coyote.

We ate buffets at the Bellagio and Monte Carlo and ate sea food at Hurrah's. I challenged a friend and won a mechanical bull ride.

Me and Welshy fell out twice.

I got drunk and accosted a US Marine who looked far too young to be wearing the medals that he was "Did you get that one for colouring in? And knowing your 2x table?"

"No M'am. I got those for service in Iraq and Afghanistan."

My bad.

I brought amazing socks and lost all track of time and place in The Venetian and Caesar's place. Me and Welshy dodged a bullet and didn't get married.

A strange Mexican stole my friends coat and then got drunk and passed out, the security at Monte Carlo put him to sleep in my friends bed. My friend and said Security guard beat the Mexican up when the mistake was realised.

I ate shitloads of macdonalds and discovered Denny's and decided I hate the way you have to add the tax on separately. I dont know how much tax is and if it changes for whatever you buy.

I hated tipping everyone. You've not provided me with superb service, why should I give you extra?

I watched the New England Patriots in Hooters (Big let down FYI)

I still think American Football is a stupid sport.

I did not sleep at all on the plane home convinced that if I did it would fall out of the sky.

Now I am back in sleepy Spanish Bumpkinville and its only 3 weeks till Xmas.

One of the things we have been accused of often by our mental bosses is that we don't have a bond with the kids, despite them telling us that kids are excited to see us, that they look forward to our lessons. That they run shrieking to us in the streets.
Today, further proof. One of my toddlers came to class with holiday photos. Photos that only I was allowed to see, not my boss.
Hmmm. 

Anyway we have been paid and we are now RICH!

There's an impromptu brass band concert walking down the road and hanging out outside a local bar here.
I swear I'll never get used to the mentalness of this town.