Another update!

I got a car end of May! Its almost kitted out to be dog-friendly. Just need a way to keep them in boot while at comps with the boot open to keep air flow.
I was doing ok for funds until Max (Its a Ford CMax) appeared as petrol is expensive!

The aviary got finished and we're slowly filling it with the Fellowship of the Seed, all hobbits (budgies) now sourced plus Gandalf and Legolas-Beachachu the cockatiels.

J is still working, the Brat is looking for work outside of London, he's still not paying her rent. She's currently in Lanzarote trying to work out what and how she's shipping stuff back.

I still hate my job. I very much doubt that I'll be kept on. I need to be kept on until the op at least.

Passed pre-op assessment end of May. Still no idea when surgery will be.

Started back at flyball. We got up at 2am to watch England play Mexico in the World Cup. We went and ate Yorskhire pudding flavour ice cream.

We plan on booking a trip to Romania for Sept. Still hoping for Thailand in May next year. 

 Its been a long time since I looked at this! Actually I still haven't looked as I'm at work at the moment.

I need to update but life has been absolutely hectic and stressful but if I start venting back into this, it'll help the mental health. 

So lets have a quick run down.

November - Mother and TMWMITW had a huge row, Ipads were smashed. She came home in a huff - admittedly they have a relationship ending row at least once every 18 months so although concerned I wasn't too concerned.

Became apparent though that this time its a big one. 

I finally got a confirmation for a hip arthroscopy surgery.

December - Mother is still at home. Concern is growing. The Brat realises that he can't stay out the house to avoid her. There's screaming rows over Facetime.

Spanieldog is starting to show early signs of doggy dementia.

January - 20 years anniversary! 20! Can you believe it? Mother is still at home, we veer weekly from her going on holiday with him and his sister to "get fucked". I realise that she's blown through the 100k inheritance funding him and now she's broke. I can't say anything about the "funding other peoples lives" thing after funding Welshy's for so long but am infuriated that she fell for it at her age. Turns out the apartment they have rented in the states doesn't exist and is a scam and I am roped in to help resolve this. I got confirmation for pre-op assessment mid April. I start to fret about if she'll be out of my hair by then.

February - She goes on holiday with him. She comes back and nothing is resolved. She veers in space of two hours, about tears about how much she still loves him to absolute rage about his actions. She gets her workplace pension cashed out early so she can afford to live out there. She goes to fly out to "talk" as he requested. She arrives at their home to find he's changed the locks. He refuses to meet her and says its her fault for leaving. She flies home the next day.

J has a birthday! We have an epic scavenger hunt where he has ChatGPT clues to help him uncover our next adventure. We do the Slide at Stratford, Crazy Pool, The Piano Works and the Back to The Future Musical. And the hotel I booked goes all out with an upgrade and decorations. It's a lovely day.

He finds out someone has made a complaint about him and is asked to work from home - turns out to be sexual harassment because he put his hand on a colleagues shoulders. 

I get made redundant! I get a 6k payout and use to pay off 5k's worth of debts and keep a small amount to pay for long haul flights to Thailand to see G when I'm fixed.

The Brat mentions he is now on single figures waiting list for a council place over in Richmond where he has been working last few years

March - I start a new job. I hate it, its loud, my training has been spotty at best. I am in the office 5x a week and doing the same long hours as I was doing 3x a week previously. I decide to stick it out until after the op. 

J gets sacked. The Brat gets sacked. I start funding both their lives.

End of March my pre-assessment gets cancelled cos of doctors strikes. Rescheduled for end of May

April - I carry on funding both J and The Brat. We use gift cards work gave me for the redundancy to revamp my aviary - just snagging work left to do and do it over Easter. I learn BH are not a thing at this job and have to book them as AL. Mother continues to spiral from not knowing what is happening. Turns out they are getting evicted from their apartment due to a clause that kicked in when he changed the locks and took her name off the tenancy agreement.

The Brat gets a job working as a grocery delivery driver.

May so far - Mother starts to come to realisation that it is definitely over for them. I've been called fat twice. I start getting up at 5.10 so I can do housework before leaving for work as I can't bear the mess that both of them are leaving. And that apparently she doesn't have time to do in between binging crime shows. She cannot afford to buy or rent solo either here or in Spain. She cannot afford to live solo without the rent that we give her, so if Brat goes, I am stuck and J still can't move in. If dogs die, I cannot move in with him as she needs my money. I don't know what the answer is but I'm constantly stressed at home and at work, I refuse to spend the last two hours of my day doing housework so getting up early seems to be the best answer as the dogs get a better walk - also stress-free as have lost the Spanieldog a couple of times as she can't find me and has gone scavenging food from the idiots who put bread down for the birds. New park is further away but bread-free and at 6am, empty of people and dogs, its nice and peaceful!

I give my Thailand fund to The Brat and mentally say goodbye to the one thing I was going to treat myself too with the money after being sensible.

J gets a new job! 

I start looking semi-seriously for a new car. I need the green and open spaces for my mental health. 

The pre-op is currently just over 3 weeks away.  

 So Christmas has come and gone. The Anniversary has come and gone - 20 years!!!

I in a ADHD frenzy decided to cut up all my credit cards in an attempt to try and help pay them off before realising that I need to use them to get through the month as we're in the spiral of only being able to pay minimum payment and then use what's left after the interest has gone to pay for you know, such extravagant things as going to work, or eating.

Mother is still here, its definitely over between them but yet they're going to the States for 2 weeks next week? 

I might be getting made redundant. This obviously ties into my earlier paragraph about not being able to get through the month and knowing I'm going in May or June have an operation that means I'll potentially be bed ridden for a month unable to interview.

BUT at the moment I'm filled with false confidence. I mean I walked into my last two jobs being the first interviews I had and I could get a reasonably decent payout after 6 years. Enough for me to pay off some credit cards should I walk into that next job....

We'll ignore the fact its absolutely shit out there jobwise! 

 She's still here. I'm exhausted by trying to be the Go-Between. So she's not entitled to benefits so in order to go back, she needs The Brat to match the rent money I give her - he pays less as "he has a car to run" I mean this is historical from our early 20's, so we'll gloss over me driving for the last 10 years and also having more outgoings in terms of the dogs, and debts which - can we still blame her and the family for me getting sacked? I mean I should take responsibility for the other debts I got after that myself now.

Anyway - digressing. If he matched what I pay and between us we took over the water bill and TV licence (we pay for them now out of the "rent" money, but it is all in her name as she wants to keep proof of UK addresses) on top of that. Then she could get TWMWM (ha that'll have to change!) out their home and live there and it'd be a bit tight and she'd need a parttime job but her pension kicks in, in a few years time and then she'd be ok.

So you'd think that, that wouldn't be too much of an issue yeah? An extra 50 for him and splitting 110 between us each month. I mean, it'd be bollocks for me but worth it.

But no. He refuses to give her any extra "it's her mess, I don't see why I need to help her out of it?" and "I can't afford it" Bitch. I pay 732 a month in credit card repayments and if I think its do-able, you and your 2k debt to pay off a car loan, that ends this summer anyway isn't a big deal. Especially when you earn 1 or 2k a year more than me. 

I tried to reason with him using that. I tried to explain how miserable all three of us are. "Don't care. I'm 310 places on the Council Housing list and when I go, it's her problem."

EXCEPT if he went and went for good J would move in, three years now we've been together. It's time. But he understandably won't live with Stephen. Won't give up the independence of his wee flat to live with Mother trying to control everything with her dramatics. So what do I do? I can't move in with J. His flat doesn't even have a balcony for the dogs for a start and if I move out, then Mother is even more stuck. 

Also. I suspect she may end up going doollay like her parents, who will be the one to pick up the pieces, quit their job and care for her then? Answers on a postcard please!

So its been difficult and she isn't making it any easier. She doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me. I'll come in and she'll leave whatever film she's watching and take her heater upstairs. She makes us some dinner and then goes back up.

If I go out, there's the thousand messages about what to do, what time I'll be back? I'm trying so hard to be patient with her and understanding but its so difficult and I've been spiraling so much about being awful to her and feeling guilty about going out and dealing with the never-ending feeling that I'm just not good enough in her eyes. 

I've had 19 days off and never looked forward to going back to work so much!

PS - had call from hospital. Pre-screening prior to surgery is on 13th April. Hopefully surgery mid-May and God I need her to be gone by then! 

 Mother is home, possibly for good?

I won't get too much into details, but she and TMWMITW fell out (I mean they have a bust up at least once every two years so I wasn't feeling TOO bothered) but she smashed his Ipad, he's drained their bank account, he's called her everything under the sun (some of which I *kinda* agree with). She flew home with just her passport and a change of pants.

She's gone to meet someone to talk about what benefits she's entitled too, after Christmas we'll have to start looking for a job for her.

NIGHTMARE. 

 I went to Derby last weekend with J for H2s wedding. 

A few small changes here and there but still the same. Pang of nostalgia as Friday night was DEAD everywhere. God I remember Our Beloved Friary always being busy and at one point we were the only ones there.

Showing him where MH got bottled, where we watched Dennis In The Last Minute. Showing him the pub where I watched Charlton thrash Arsenal at Highbury. 

Sitting in Seymours as well and expecting someone I knew or recognised at least to walk through the door. 

A nice nostalgic trip and I wonder how my life would have changed if I had been able to stay there. But on the other hand, I probably wouldn't have travelled to the countries I had, had the adventures I had. Ended up with J.

The wedding was lovely, glad J came as I wouldn't have known anyone, although awful pain flareup.

Speaking of which, I am hopeful to get a surgery date in next week or so, although earliest realistically it'll be is February.

I'm borderline an arthroscopy where they will pop my hip joint out, shave the wonky bits of bone smooth and staple the broken labral stuff together. 70% chance of working good odds, unless you're the Mothership who is very much focused on the 30% not working.

In that case, slightly more scary surgery of breaking my pelvis and resetting it. Not even going to consider that as an option.

She came back to visit the weekend before and we went to the Chocolate Cocktail club which was fun.  

 Not sure if the social media weaning is going well? I recorded an hour less screentime than last week. Although still 4 and a half hours a day!

I mean some of that is sensible stuff like online banking, messaging apps and stuff like Duolingo but fuck me. Small targets. See if I can now reduce it to four hours a day. I feel thats acceptable considering duolingo and whatnot for the way to work.

The Brat went away for his 40th! WE ARE ALL GETTING SO OLD!!!! And J who is on Jury service in London and has met me for lunch last few days stayed Friday night until today.

I can't ask him to live with the Brat who still seems incapable of flushing toilets and tidying up after himself and equally I cannot move in with him because of my furry dependents. 

It was nice though - We went to a gig! My first real gig unless you count Jason Donovan back in the days of Derby's Desperate and Easy. or Girls Aloud and Chesney Hawkes at the Uni Ball in May 2003? 2004?

Anyway I saw Feeder and I enjoyed it very much although I knew about half the songs. J loves live music and indie sleaze type stuff and I enjoy it too although I'm a bit of a music magpie and pick up odd songs here and there unlike him.

Payday tomorrow and need to organise trains up to Derby. Remember when I started this? I had my student rail card and it was 18 pounds return! Now I'm thinking myself lucky to get returns for us both for under 100 quid!

I do miss my car! 

 I'm trying to wean myself off of the social media addiction. I just find myself doomscrolling and getting angry at the state of the world. 

I had my anaesthetic procedure on the 1st. Very strange, also surprised at how tired I was considering they didn't do anything. That was on the Monday and I went back to work on the Thurs but I was fighting to stay awake past 2pm.    

I'm trying not to panic about how when he came to see me the pain had returned and he said that, that made surgery less likely. Of course the minute he left the local kicked in and I was pain free until about 2pm.

I'm more panicking at the moment as on Fri night/Sat Morning I woke up at 3.30 in pain and it was 5am by the time I was able to go to sleep again. I took some of the heavy painkillers so I could go to the Charlton-Millwall game and then to J's mums birthday party but I was pretty much glued to my chair all night, not wanting to move about too much and trigger pain.

Need to stop second guessing and ChatGPTing everything!

Mum comes home on Thurs as we're going to the funeral of the guy I mentioned previous post. the Brat turns 40 this week and had packed himself off to go to the Lakes. 

 Oh one more little August update. On the day of the BBQ, I learnt that JW a childhood friend had a sudden heart attack and died. He was my age. We used to play in and out of each others houses, cops and robbers and rode our bikes together.

Haven't spoken in maybe 15, 20 years but always think fondly of him and his family 

 August update!

Still struggling along with no car. J got a little inheritance though and we did go to Bristol for my Birthday!
Amazing to see CL, went to a buffet and worked our way into a food coma, on Friday we went to Bath, looked at the Roman Baths and then did a modern day Spa.
Sat, Went to see Charlton play Bristol City and got a credible 1-1 draw. They were the better team in the first half, we were in the second, probably a fair result.
Also during that week off, we went to see Hercules at the Theatre, went to Camden, visited the Ice Cream Project and climbed the Cutty Sark rigging. 

Over the Bank Holiday we did the very adult thing of hosting a BBQ in my garden - imagine! Having the garden tidy (ish) enough for that!

I'm going into Guys on Monday for a procedure under anesthesia for my hip. Getting quite nervous about that.

Also slightly concerned about Mrs Spaniel. She got a clean bill of health on her vet check up, but the same night was lying in my lap and wet herself. And worst of all didn't seem to realise what she'd done.

Apparently its a sign of doggy dementia but she's not ticking any of the other boxes, so I think I'll monitor and if it happens again then, she can cost me another fortune at the vets getting scans and God knows what else done. 

My car fund sits at 400 so far, not nearly enough and not impressed if I'll have to use that for her checkups - although I will without question. We'll see. 

 My car has gone to the great scrapheap in the car. I was actually quiet sad about it, "Cars" has a lot to live up too!

It was just too expensive to repair. I can't afford a replacement any time soon, but i'm hoping to save anything from 100-300 quid a month with it gone, we'll see. I've long since given up any hope of being able to predict this. 

Sorry for the dogs too as I've had to cancel all their hobbies as I just can't get them there any more. Our walks have been so very boring. 

I will try to reassess come October/November but I think it'll be well into the New Year before I could feasibly consider starting to save for a new one.

TP and TJ bless them sent over a wee donation towards The New Car Fund and that's locked away in a 95 day account to be added too whenever I can.

Reality is starting to hit me with this though, not only the utter boredom all three of us have now but the practicality of it. I have Mrs Spaniel booked in for a groom this Friday - ordinarily not an issue, nip down on my lunch break, pick up at the end of my working day.

Now it involves two buses- a predicted heatwave of 28 degrees and she will hate it. Getting a Pet Uber will cost me nearly 60 quid! Just to go to Lee and back and its not like I have anyone else who will take me.

Getting their jabs done in August (there goes any potential savings that month!!!!!) There is no bus that runs from my house down to the vets so its a bit of a walk and then a bus and then another walk. Muzzling Mrs Collie who will be snappy and barky about it.

J is off that week, maybe he will stay over and help. Can't rely on it though.

Food also majorly cut back as again no direct bus so limited on what I can carry from Charlton.

J and I were planning on going to the Bristol City away game in August. Not sure that'll happen. Not sure how I'll get to Derby in November for H2's wedding - very much thinking longingly about my student railcard and how it used to be £23 return!!!! 

We'll manage. We did before and hopefully I can save it away and stop having disasters that cost me all my money every time I start to be able to push away from the edge of being absolutely destitute.

Had a call from the hospital apologising about my long wait - considering the 4 years its taken to get me to this point I feel things are whizzing along! They sounded like they would try to prioritize me and maybe the op will happen before the end of this year.

Again NHS waiting lists so we will see. Pre- assessment assessment due in August..... 

 So in March, life was full of hope.

It no longer is, the car requires a lot of work to keep it road worthy, cheaper than buying a new car but yet will take away the cards I've cleared.

I had a huge dent in one of them regardless as I had two flat tyres just before we went away to Wales so I ended up using the money i'd saved for that and then having to hit the cards to survive.

We went to Chester and Wrexham btw. Bit strange being there since Welshy. Place still looks pretty similar, we kayaked over the highest aquaduct in Europe and had a lovely time.

I've met with the hip surgeon, been given a new MRI, new X-rays, a CT scan for first time ever and now on a waiting list to have a procedure under anesthetic before they decide to put me on a surgery waiting list. They prescribed me Tramadol which i'm yet to take as the side effects have put fear of God into me. 

Its stopped any idea of Thailand this year (even if the car wasn't buggered....) and from the face he pulled, I'm guessing next year also iffy.

G did come back for the playoffs - another Wembley win! The '98 play off shirt lucky again!!! Good to see him as well.

Things with J still going really well. Hoping to have a weekend away in August perhaps to co-incide with Bristol away and meet up with CL.

H2 is getting married again in November and hip-dependent we're hoping to go away to Derby for that. So looking forward to it and showing him Our Beloved Friary and other places from all those years ago that still exist.

So yeah, maybe no further abroad trips this year. I'm back to be horrendously broke and already just a few hours after payday, worrying about how I'll make it through the month but hopefully can get those little trips under our belt and it'll be better than nothing and hopefully next update won't be 3 months later and I'll be able to tell you about the procedure and that i'm on the hip replacement waiting list. 

 So here we are in March. I'm trying to organise my finances. I took out a loan hmm, maybe two years ago. Because of Spanielface becoming Piratedog and the car being constantly on life support, i'm not in a position to pay it off like I was hoping to in September.

In fact I'm almost worse off than I was before I took the loan out. But. I've been working hard at it. Thanks to flyball, I've mostly paid off one credit card (took a small dip in it to cover an unexpected outgoing in Morocco and I'd planned to use part of it for J's 40th present) but its minor. 8.99 when I get paid this month.

Another is well on the way - it was 700, i've got it down to 200. I've taken another loan out, which will cover the remainder of Original Loan and leave me 100 a month better off - oh no, it won't because the fucking council tax is now due. But I tell myself at least it wont leave me worse off. 

The goal is to lose those two small cards and then pick another (three other cards and a paypal credit limit) all of which are over a K each.

 Mother and TWMWB came back, I have a lovely new kitchen floor. My back room is almost useable. Spring is finally in the air and my garden will spring into life - i'm now a person who has daffs and crocuses in their lawn instead of bramble.

I'm still (I think this got mentioned in Oct last year's update) working on removing all the paint from the stairs so they can be varnished. My house is slowly starting to look like a house.

I spent a lot of my thirties, depressed, unable to afford food. Finances are still a HUGE HUGE worry, I still hate living at home but I've accepted my fate now and I'm going to damn well outlive him even if its only out of pure spite and I'm going to make this somewhere I want to spend the rest of my life. 

I want to go visit G next year in Thailand. I've spent nearly 10 months saving airmile points for me and J to visit for 300 each. We can hopefully book in May and then spend the rest of the time saving for hotels and adventures. 

I'd like to go away again this year but that's me living in fantasyworld and anyone who's been reading this for a long time knows, that I'm prone to disasters that are beyond my control. 

I have my next hip consultation in two weeks time, I'm not expecting the MRA that I was back in Oct, reality has sunk in and I think it'll be another pointless chat and then the waiting list for the MRA.

I don't know what else to update this with, apart from I veer from sleepless nights worrying about my life to absolute daydreams about backpacking around Thai jungles.

In the real world? God I suppose I should mention Trump being absolutely Batshit, how uneasy Musk makes me. The way it feels inevitable that we are slowly, slowly pulling towards a war, the way everything is so expensive I can barely afford to breathe.

But the sun is almost here, Spring is almost here. I'm ever so slowly going the right way financially and I'm going to carry on day dreaming because that's all I have. 

 Marrakech was awesome! I loved it! It was kinda like a toned down, more sanitised India. We did a sunrise Hot air balloon ride, amazing experience! Quad biking in the Desert - I got mine to at least 42kmph and had no control and drove straight into a bush.
We saw snake charmers and monkey handlers, and had a traditional hamman spa experience (they go EVERYWHERE with their hands!), rode a camel and had ice creams and cocktails and a fabulous time.

4 days was the perfect amount of time to do everything we wanted and made such a change from the -5 to +15! I'm very broke now and will need to be good for a bit as its J's big 40th next month and lifes expensive! 

 19 years guys! 19 years since that call. Insanity really. 

So i'm behind as always and really only doing this for my own benefit but here's my life update!

J and I are still good, two years now! Also insanity. We're going to Marrakech in a fortnight. 

I'm not doing brilliantly financially but equally I'm better than I was the last time I blogged. I paid one card off as mentioned and I'm working on another. I'd like to have paid it off and a decent dent into another by the end of the year. We'll see.

I somehow have missed the hip injury update/s. So I saw a specialist in September. He recommended me a steroid injection. Which worked until the local anaesthetic wore away and then I spent the month in more pain that before, pain sleeping, sitting, standing. It started to affect the other leg and end of Oct I actually went home from work as I couldn't concentrate on anything.

So now i'm in the queue again (April!) for a fancypants MRI with glow in the dark dye to try and see more of whats going on and then I expect after that I'll be on the waiting list for an op and God only knows if that will happen this year!

Spanieldog still manages to compete Flyball, she was out yesterday actually and her team came third and Colliedog's team 2nd.  

I saw CL for the first time in two years and she dropped the bombshell that she and UDOBF had split after 10? ish? maybe slightly more, I can't be arsed to check. Years of marriage. Wow. But it was lovely seeing her and I'd like to do it again. Such a shame everyone is so far away!

Christmas was surprisingly good. The Brat (he's 40 this year - should I give him a more age-appropriate name?) FINALLY got rid of Granddad's car that was sitting on the drive, undriven for 7 years so we could get a skip (Mother - "ooh wasn't he brave to do that, it must have been hard for him to do so" and then several days of follow up questions about if he had spoken about it at all - I mean its a car, not pulling the plug on someone's life support....)
We needed a skip as the kitchen floor decided to collapse so now there's a hole in it. And the back room has just been full of junk and shit he's pulled from other skips for years so we (I) cleared it, I cleared the cupboard under the stairs and a bit into the shed as well. 

I repainted the hallway and bathroom and regrouted the bathroom floor. I'm actually really sad about this as I did it with glittery grout and it looked amazing, until I realised I do not live the lifestyle intended and the glitter collects dog dirt and hair and is now discoloured and worse looking than before.

Sigh.

I found a sander in my tidying and my plan is over next few weeks to sand the stairs as they're half painted, half bare wood and then repaint the skirting.

Finances of course might affect this....

I spent Christmas Eve with J and his family and then on the day itself I took the dogs to Dymchurch and we went to the beach and then on a walk around the edge of Port Lymphe safari park and it was worth the climb in the mud as I got really close to giraffes!

Boxing day J and I went to Charlton and basically I've spent nearly three weeks just drinking alcohol and eating sugar to the point where real food felt like a Rustlers Burger! 

Today is first day back at work and a WFH day so a soft start although it was a shock to the system getting up in the dark! Still just the one week and then holiday! We're hoping to do a hot air balloon ride! 

Somehow forgot to publish the last blog entry but never mind.

Life hit an all time low last week when IdiotCollie ATE my drivers seatbelt while at flyball training. There were many tears and hysterics and yeah somehow now everyone thinks (to be fair not far off) that I'm totally poverty stricken, lent me 500 quid - they say its a gift but I WILL pay it back somehow.
And someone bought me a massive bag of dog food. I'm incredibly grateful as it has paid one of the credit cards off minus something stupid like 5 quid and I've got enough money to get through until payday.

But I hate, LOATHE being thought of as a charity case. Hate sponging off of people. Makes me feel like such a loser. 

 I am SO SO grateful to TP and TJ who got me through September. I told them about Spanieldog and they sent down a care package including a £50 Tesco gift card. They even sent money down so she could have a groom and tidy herself up after all the drama of August.

Its still been a really, really rough month financially, October is still going to be really rough but hopefully we'll get through and November will see it start to ease off although it's going to take quite some time to get myself back to where I was this time last year - even this time in Feb when I was feeling relatively confident that even though I'd overspent a bit, I was still on course to be debt free by Sept '25.

Spanieldog has adapted really well to now being Piratedog, we've had to learn to do things like keep the washing machine door shut and chairs pushed in so she doesn't walk in them and finding her more underfoot than before. She's running flyball a second slower than before but she's still doing it, still happy to do it and still able to do it safely. I'm going to try her indoors in November but if the light and shadow prove too much then she can sit it out until we go outside again. 

I do want to start competive Obedience with her but as of yet haven't managed to get her to any of the classes as life keeps getting in the way.

 This has been one of the WORST August's ever.

I mentioned in previous blog entry that I suspected something was up with Spanieldog's eyes. I wasn't concerned enough to take her to the vets before, there was no rubbing, no irritation, no gunk, so I thought I'd monitor it and bring it up at the vets when she went for her jabs and annual check up.

Big BIG mistake, turned out the poor fucker had a tumour in one eye and would need it removing. They were happy for me to take her to the flyball champs as it had obviously been there some time and yet didn't seem to be causing any issues and I'd book her in on return to have ultrasound and tomography testing.

The jabs were Tuesday, I was going Wednesday to Monday and then I had birthday plans (God this makes me sound so selfish and uncaring!!) so the appointment was made for Friday.

We travelled up to Tamworth ok, checked into the most gorgeous little cottage on Wednesday, Thursday arrived at the venue for speed trials. She arrived at the venue ok, I raced Colliedog, then went to get Spaniel out of the car.

OMG her eye was glued shut and massively, massively swollen with gunk. It didn't seem logical that 48 hours could have made such a difference when the vets had looked at it and deemed her fit to race so I wondered if it was an infection or a sting. She still wanted to run so we let her and over the course of the few days cleared up pretty well.

I went to see H2 on Friday. She ran in the comp Saturday and her team got a 1st place! Sunday Colliedog ran and got a 3rd. 

Came home Monday and confirmed appointment, mentioned the gunk and swelling. Vets still thought she'd be ok for Friday as it was clearing up.

Tuesday I went to Brighton with J, had a lovely time on the coast and came home Weds, checked on her and we went to see Wicked.

Thurs took them for a nice walk, she's still chasing a ball, bullying Colliedog so I'm still not too worried and on Friday she went into the vets and then my world caved in as they said that they thought the other eye was starting to get issues and wasn't sure if the tumour had spread. Well. I know some dogs can lead perfectly nice lives with only one eye but she's not one of them. She loves to be busy and explore and compete so I said if it had, to PTS as it would be kindest, she said that she wasn't 100% convinced it was a tumour but wanted to send to RVC over in Hertfordshire as they obviously have more ways of testing.

I was in bits but agreed so found myself in a traffic jam trying to get through Blackwall Tunnel in order to get her there. Got lost on way. Got her there and all the vets and students are trying to work it out, she's loving the attention and again they mention that it may now be in the other eye. They're wondering if a tick or something has caused all this.

I sit and wait in the reception area while she has various scans and when they tell me its not spread as far as they can tell and the only thing left is to remove it.

It turned out to have caused a massive haemotoma which was starting to press on the other eye, but luckily now its removed her eye is fine and we're all adjusting to life with one eye. Of course it means the end of her agility career but at 10 she was due to retire soon anyway. I'd like to start Competive Obedience with her as she still wants to be out and busy and she seems ok doing flyball outside. 

So I'm 4k down, maxed out all my credit cards. yeah. The ones i've spent ages paying off. Lucky me. And owe The Brat something like 1400 quid, Mother 600 and J  - well he won't tell me what he paid to have the car camchain sorted for me.

And speaking of the car, it only just scraped through the MOT. Its on life support and really should be scrapped but obviously I can't afford to replace it. Can't afford the repair bills. URGH. 

 So it turns out that I have a CAM deformity of the ball part of the hip joint, I have mild osteoarthritis. Its possible that the uneven part of the bone has ground through all the protective material and is grinding on bone.

I have trochanteric bursitis as well. Been referred to a surgeon, possibly might need a hip replacement. Won't know really until I've spoken to them, other options are more physio waiting for it to get worse and need the surgery - been off and on physio for nearly 3 years so enough of that nonsense thank you very much!!

Or having an op like Andy Murray and having the ball shaved smooth. Both operations sound terrifying, both sound like it'll be a good 6 month recovery.

I am in a lot of pain today, The Brat's car broke down so i've been up at 4.30 three days in a row to drive him to work, its a 2 hour round trip through London so not sure if all the gear changing has buggered me.

Very tired lol!

Dogs off to national flyball finals in two weeks, I think this is the end of Mrs Spaniel's career. I'm not sure if she's losing the vision in one of her eyes and she's still not completely right after damaging herself in June.

Things with J are ok, he still makes me very happy and if I could just turn off the internal voices I'm sure i'd be happier! 

 Struggling mentally again at the moment. The Brat came home with two Guinea Pigs(!!!!) having split with his girlfriend again. Possibly this time its for good and now its me looking after the guinea pigs and having the sudden, horrific realisation that he will never go for good, that I'm always going to have him to look after.

And looking after is what it is, its taken him a good month to move the piles of clothes that are on the kitchen floor, the piles of DVD's and CD's and the house is slowly getting messy again. I had hoped - dreamed that this was it, that perhaps I could move J in, in the winter. But three weeks ago, I had a stayaway competition. I left at 5.30 on Saturday morning, got home 6.30 Sunday evening and he'd not flushed the toilet in that entire spell and it was a hot weekend! 

So how can I ask anyone to come live with me in that kinda condition? I know Welshy did but Mother was at home for some of the time and anyway he was sponging off of us - which I realise now - so who gives a shit when we were paying for his food and rent and cleaning?

Speaking quickly of Welshy - guess who's now married! Fuck you, hobbity cunt. 

I have been feeling neglected by my flyball friends in a kinda stroppy teenager way, realising that they were slowly moving away from me, going around Paws without me, finding out after everyone else that one was buying a flat, another getting a new dream job, another dating someone and the two that I'm closest too, the ones that I've vented to about the Boy and Mother both pretty much told me they were bored of hearing about it and to speak to a therapist and not them and then I remember the 7 weeks 4 days of lockdown when no one reached out to me, when I reached out to others and they made excuses as to why they couldn't bubble with me or talk and then THAT cycles further back to the time I tried to tell Mother about being bullied when I was 16/17 and how she just shrugged and said my life was worthless anyway, so very much clammed up there and I'm cautious about how much I say to J in case I get the same reactions.

So its been safe to say I'm struggling and then Mother came home this week, leaving today and I'd built it up in my head to tell her about J and it was making me sick with anxiety, remembering how when I bought Welshy home the first time, she proceeded to remove her jeans to prove she had better legs than me.

And then he was sick both days we arranged to meet and I'm feeling so bitter and resentful thinking about how I struggled on my bad leg to meet his family earlier this year and there was snide comments about if he really existed and I know she was thinking bad about him, even though it was me pushing for the meet and I don't think she's even asked what his name is or anything apart from how it would affect The Brat. Actually thats a lie, she did ask what his job was but that's about it and TBF I'm so wary of her that even if she did ask, I'd be so brief with details that she probably thinks better not to ask and this is how she gets me second guessing myself and doubting everything.

And then I've been making a huge effort to sort the back garden out, buying plants and weeding and digging plants up and spending more money than I can really afford only for her to tell me I'm wasting my time. And even though at the start of this month I'd checked the tyres, somehow they were flat and rubbed to the wire and I genuinely don't know how that happened as two week previous they were fine, but apparently I hadn't looked after the car and I drive it too much and she bought two new tyres so she was pissed with me about that.

And on Friday I took her to an agility show and she caused an accident with Mrs Spaniel because she didn't listen to me asking her to wait so she didn't worry about her and all she did was moan about the wind and the cold and the rain and then dig and dig in the queue pre-accident about how this was going to be a car-crash that the people in front of me turned to give me a sympathetic smile and now I've got to get the physio out early for her as the poor old dog is still stiff and sore. She tried to go onto her usual spiel about The Brat and I cut her off telling her I was bored of hearing it, that he won't have owt to do with her ( he's slept in his car rather than come home this week).

We went to a party in the evening, she's known the family all her life, babysitting them. I grew up three doors down living next to them for 12 years before we moved here. They didnt recognise me, they all asked after The Brat. Even someone that I'd never met. 

Struggling. Struggling so much.

And on Saturday I was trying, trying so hard to make up for being short and arsey with her and J was supposed to meet us for dinner but bailed again so I bought her dinner at the Harvester and then Sunday was flyball training and I finally cracked when Colliedog was naughty and chased other dogs because they ignored me when I tried to tell them it wouldn't work and I finally cracked and spent the whole session in tears in the car and the older people tried to see if I was ok and tell me I can speak to them but I can't because its in the back of my mind all the time that they don't really care, that i'll just be 24 hours gossip.

 That there's no point talking about it because nothing will ever change and one of the girls I mentioned earlier made a huge show of giving me a hug when I did emerge to help pack up and yet, it's 24 hours later and only the old people have reached out to see if I'm ok. None of the ones that I thought were my friends.

And I came home and felt guilty about the way I've acted to Mother and treated her to FrancoMarco's which was expensive and both that and the Harvester meal is out of my budget and J who is TBF useless with contact anyway hasn't got in touch since Sat and I know he went to a Peter Kay gig Sunday and if he could do that, surely he could have seen me? So i'm again acting like a child and not messaging him and really I need some space from him even though he's supposed to be the one I can rely on.

And just to finish this very self-pitying woeful message, I'm awaiting an MRI for my hip and the current thought is that I'm dislocating it or there's a tear in the labral fibres (which I just want to point out, I suggested to the GP in Jan 2021) and there's also a train of thought that this is related to my as a baby being slow to learn to walk about was supposed to be investigated for hip issues then, but no one bothered so its entirely possible that this is a long standing issue and the fall bought it all to the surface and Mother was very gleefully talking about if this meant I'd need a hip replacement.... 

So tired of it all, so tired of always being in pain, so tired of being lonely and so very tired of being broke financially.