It was odd being in Derby this time. I remember when I knew the name of every station even the ones that I didnt stop at on the way up and now I can't remember if Wellingborough comes before or after Market Harbourgh.
And things there have changed.
Its not the 5 of us any more. R has moved to St Lucia, A is working in Southhampton at the moment and STF was in Germany, although he did come home for this weekend and we went out.
Places I know have changed, and I'm no longer part of that inner circle, there's all kinds of adventures and plans that I'm not part of any more.
I guess its all to be expected really. I'm not living there. I'm not sure if I'll ever go back to live there again and I still want things to be the way they were.
Odd to seeing H2 so pregnant. Hearing that the day before I came up CL's UDOBF had proposed and they're thinking of getting married in April 2008.
Hearing MH talk about her continuing hunt for the perfect man and how she at 25 feels the need to settle down and do housewifey things and that she's sick of the student lifestyle.
I know I'm not ready, not willing for that, I feel sometimes that I was robbed of being careless and not worrying about it all.
I know I'm not the same person I was when I left Derby, I can't barely remember the person that I was 5 years ago when I moved up there.
So why should I want things to stay the same so much?

I had a great time nonetheless, I stayed with N and like I said STF popped home and we went out on a tame (for their standards) night out, where I got shamefully hammered and then overly fascinated with the fact that I could see double when we came home and how many times I needed to tell them I didnt like Indian food when they were shoving it under my nose.
And then they passed out and I curled up in the corner of the bed and got busy with some of my other favourite drunken past times when I can't get near a computer of drunken texting.
I'm still trying to remember what and who I texted though!
And then on Saturday I met MH and I felt sick at the thought of meeting her, I dreaded the invevitable and vile questions of "how are you coping?"
Why can't it be like the lads who greeted me with "Alright Charlton? Get t'bar and getter round in!"
But I lived and we came back to H2's house and played with her cats and played endless games of "I remember such and such an incident"
And then we went to Asda mainly cos I wanted to remember those funny trips up there, when I'd go straight to the items I needed and not waste time going up and down the aisles like they did and it was kinda like old times, especially cos they had an aisle devoted to the World cup and football stuff and showing the Portugal game, (Oh I remember how they did the same during Portugal 2004 and I'd sit in a chair there and watch a DVD of Englands 50 greatest goals while they did endless girly things)
I miss those days where everything now seems careless and carefree. You can forget the bad stuff like how our house was always cold and the Co2 leak we had and how the lad we originally stayed with stunk and made a horrible atmosphere.
So we went for this meal for H2s birthday and of course MH flirted stupidly (I can see it now and how I still sit back and wait for her to get it on with them before I go over and make friends, the way I used to see myself as the hanger-on, the not really in the way but not really wanted by either of them to be there.)
So I drank loads again, combatting my fierce hangover.

Today I met up with The Lizard and it was nice and we went for dinner and a trip to sainsburys (Where me and Mum and Dad had our first ever meal in Derby! And where I took LF once and he offered to buy me flowers and I laughed at the idea that someone would want to buy me flowers and what the hell I'd do with them)
And again it was nice, and nostalgic and I'm all caught up in wanting things to be like they were but knowing that it can't be exactly how it was.
There wont be a red taxi waiting for me at St Pancras every other weekend and there wont be my Dad standing on the platform, waiting to greet me with a huge grin and likeways there isn't the commute up to my house and up those hills every other Sunday.
And a whole weekend without a trip to Our Beloved Friary! Now there's a good reason for another trip!

I ache for things to be like that, and I think I'm also very tired, mentally and physically.

Do you ever get the feeling that sometimes you just can't cope with everything your friends place upon your shoulders?
That you feel like breaking down in tears and crying "no! Enough! I can't do this anymore, I can't be that rock for you, when you're not there for me"
I saw scars on N's arms, deep, ugly red scars and asked him and felt them.
He cuts himself and I feel so bad and so want to help and yet I can't bear the thought of shouldering another burden, I carry too many other peoples burdens.

Why can't things just stay the same?